The Zero Hedge Daily Round Up #124 - 09/11/2012

dottjt's picture

Finally, I've manage to post this thing on time - due to a lack of technical errors! To celebrate, I've decided not to bore you with my diatribe. I will say though, I was having one of those days where I simply couldn't pronounce anything. I've also decided to change the date format to a U.S. resemblance, because it occured to me how nonsensical it was to have the podcast "available at 8pm New York Time", yet have the date as a European format.

I broke my promise. This is the Zero Hedge Daily Round Up.

1. U.S tax authorities award $104 million to UBS whistleblower. 2. House Speak Hoehner not confident on debt resolution. 3. 11 years on. Reality vs dissonance. 4. Entitlements up, jobs down. 5. Spain housing prices plumet. 6. Global protesting madness. 7. Chinese crude imports hit 2010 levels. 8. Fed 3Y auction love story. 9. America trade deficit ONLY $44.4 billion. 10. 7/11, oh wait, 9/11. Sorry, craving slurpee.

Alternatively, you can download the show as a podcast on iTunes or any RSS capable device.

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Julius Reade

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janus's picture


I like your style. 

I suppose introductions are in order, so allow me to introduce me; my name is janus...i'm a demigod, and i stopped apologizing for it a long time ago. 

I have a few random topics to exlore; and so i reckoned i'd set to exploring on your post -- insofar  as random-topic-exploration is sort of your mileu. 

Before I get cranked up, I'd like to honor a lost amigo...GORE VIDAL.  Bon Voyage, you prissy sage!  It's slipped several notches beyond sad, losing so many from a literary Golden Age.  Gore, you are beloved by many and are hereby lionized by janus, forever and ever amen, comfortably vested among the Truly Great.  I cannot readily conjure the name of another that could match your artful and elegant construction; when it came to the sentence and its basic mission -- to effectively and poignantly convey a thought -- there aren't many among his generation we can list as peers.

Now that Gore is gone, janus hasn't any living rivals.   But it's good to be alone.

let me share a song or two with you all before I catch you up on my commings and goings...prowling about as a lion is wont to do.

awesome...and i agree, madness it is.

okay, the following is from some clever and talented lesbian that goes by this name: aimee mann (german lesbians are like some sort of sci-fi-porno-horror sub-genre made manifest and living and breathing among us...cyborg man-haters, i say).  I say all this because it seems ms. mann thinks she has janus figured out.  she has nothing figured out; except how to craft and preform a brillant song that gets very close to the truth of things.

good show, ms mann.

it really is tough being so fucking charming...the expectations are high; and folks are deflated when you fail to meet them.  sometimes you just don't care. 

and then, all of a sudden, you care again.

so, dottjt, i intend the following to be hilarious and instructive independent of everything i've previously posted -- it will stand on its own merits; but it would be oh-so hilarious and instructive had you been following janus.  you see, context can add so much to these little narratives; and my particular context is rather peculiar -- but in a specifically hilarious and instructive fashion.  to put it another way, i cannont get you up to speed on my's all in the archives; all the same, it would behove you to familiarize yourself with my commings and goings...reason being, they are hilarious and instructive, and they layer atop one an alluvia of wisdom and whatnot.

dottjt, i've been thinking about the things i've posted here on ZH, and if there's a single flaw that stands out all prominent-like, it's that i've been WAY to humble and obsequious.  just a meek lil titmouse, i've been.  no more, i say.  time to be honest.

the meek may ineed inherit the earth, but meekness don't count for shit at Fight Club.  inheriting the earth ain't cool...seizing the universe is cool.

i may have mentioned this before, and if i did, i had a damned good reason.  i wouldn't bring it up again if it weren't germaine to everything that follows...but it's germain; it's totally germaine.  the fact is that i'm obnoxiously charming and handsome; and so it naturally follows that i would be the owner of a super-hot foxy wife. 

well, times are tough; and so i've had to turn her out.  she's working outside the home for the first time since we started farming children.  i was ambivalent at first; and little has changed since.  i do not like to look after myself.  i'm no good at it and i prefer to leave such things to others.  all that being said, she has less time now for tending to me...and it makes me sigh in a peevish sort of way. 

you see, until i moved to boston, i'd never-ever done a load of laundry.   the whole prospect of it was daunting...i mean, i'd heard about all the complexities and perils associated with those frieghtening machines: hot/cold...whites/darks...perma-press/cotton...............egad!!!! it's enough to make your head explode.  but, turns out, there's nothing to it.  i did, however, ruin six wool sweaters.  que sera sera, i say.

anyway, my wife is good for more than laundry.  i knew other men would undersand this; and i expected something at some point.  what i got was way past bizarre; and it continues apace.  allow me to expalin:

it seems that these hebrews are obessesed with my wife.  and, for the most part, they behave themselves.  but sometimes...well, have you ever seen the seinfeld episode where elaine discovers that she is likewise cursed?

shiksa appeal, i believe it's called.

it's more than a myth.  i have nine pages of proof printed on cotton bound paper with fancy water marks. 

this baby-boomer jew has gone and gotten himself fired and nearly committed over a stupefying obsession with mrs. janus.  he wrote her this letter that, if i were to share its contents, would boggle all of your minds.  he's been an employee there for nearly ten years; and now he's totally flipped.  the police had to get involved.  it was eerie.  i feel the worst is yet to come.

at least she gets to park right up front, all in all, it's been a net positive.

as far as janus goes, well, things are good.  to begin with, my mississippi state bulldogs just committed some sort of felony against auburn in starkville this saturday.  it was a goddam gore-fest.  we just emasculated them up one end and down the other...every bit as brutal and savage and beautiful as it sounds. 

now we just sit back and wait for that rotton institution to collapse in upon itself.  auburn...all-barn bunch-a ill-bred bitchez.  something fowl is brewing over the plains...and you worthless cunts deserve everything that's coming.  pat dye is a craven liar and shameless cheat.  the chancellor of auburn, which, not so long ago, was struggling to attain full accredidation, is the highest paid in the nation.  little wonder, what with all-barn churning out nothing but scandals and america's dullest and most lethargic minds, it makes sense that he would out-earn his peers at MIT and Harvard.

enough about auburn, i want to take a minute and praise our coach, Dan Mullen. 

there are three types of genius in this world (actually, there are four; but the fourth is so rare it's not worth mentioning):  there is conceptual genius and there is practical genius; and then there is the rare individual that is invested with both.  dan mullen is among this elite caste. 

it's a good year to be a bulldog.

perhaps a song or two before i move into the next phase of this post...

(under my thumb...a siamese cat of a girl)

you can't always get what you want...but if you try sometimes, you'll get what you need...

and so it is.  i try to live by a philosophy, and a cardinal doctrine of my philosophy is the ablation of "or".  janus is all about "and".  i don't want to choose; i want both, and more.  that's all i need.

sometimes i need inspiration; sometimes i'm glum.  i was for a little while.  two reasons: 1) i didn't know how to best go about actualizing my grand designs. 2) i was brooding over the hazards associated with fame and whatnot. 

regarding the second point, my concerns are legitimate.  fame is, for the most part, all rot and ruin.  i know the kind of man i am.  i have little doubt that i will suddenly change into a boy scout when publicly scrutinized.  i understand that my tendencies toward and access to luscious young ladies will overwhelm my best intentions and rational judgement; and further, that i will be unable to keep such matters private.  privacy and annonymity are such wonderful things...i mean to say, if there's one thing i cannot stand, it's being accused of things i've done.  i just won't tolerate it.

regarding the first point, we can draw on our discussion of the second point, wherein i was discussing the luscious young ladies.  i have often asked myself, 'janus, what is it with you and hairdressers?'  i can now further qualify that question asking the more specific, 'janus, what is it with you and irish hairdressers?'  allow me to elaborate:

you never know what form a muse will assume; and if you're the guessing sort, and you guessed that the muse in question came in the form of a lusty young irish hairdresser, give yourself a gold star. 

let's just say she made janus feel warm and fuzzy all over.  it is my contention that irish hairdressers have a knack for that sort of thing...seem to be made for it.  anyway, there i am, gettin fuzzed something stupid, and it hits me!  what i'm gonna do.  it was obvious all along; and, well, i guess i just couldn't do it living in rural alabama.  anyway, i'm going to totally disappoint you and not even hint at what it might be that i'm up to.  but you can rest assured that it's awesome.

 it's getting harder and harder to ignore the beckoning of Destiny. 

otherwise, things in the world have gotten so routinely bizzare that i'm only amazed at the lack of creativity.  it's not even intended to be funny anymore.  it's total central command and control of everything at all times.  there's a real evil overwhelming the world in which we live; and people are truly beginning to comprehend it.  i don't think they will stand for it.  i just don't see how any existing institutions can address the intrinsic flaws of the system because the institutions are themselves flawed portions of the broken system.

i've been knocking these thoughts around the ole mellon, and i think i may have hit on something.  the way i see it, the social networks, at least as they now commonly exist, will fade substantially.  i believe a new sort of hub will emerge and begin to attrack the bulk of online social interaction; but that they will be private and by invitation only.  no one wants to be the member of a club that anyone can join.

don't get me wrong; i do think that there will always be open forums.  i'm only saying that the sort of intimate and personal interaction that facebook is designed for will migrate to invitation only type clubs...where the participants don't feel obliged to consider what anyone from their grandmother to their dental hygenist thinks of what they may be posting.  some of these private groups may be large.  some may be very large.  some may be activist.  some may be conducted through TOR.  something like that has the potential to change things on an ever-so-grand level.

it's getting late and i'm playing golf for the first time in a long time tomorrow morning.  so i will post another song or two and say, as always, you're welcome.

oh, right, i guess i should tip my hat to you nitwit political-types and this election fever that grips you so...



fredquimby's picture

Dear Janus,

Please STFU.


The World and his Mother.

janus's picture

Dear nobody,

Your mother just got fucked in the face (and i was rather ungentlemanly about it). 



WeeWilly's picture

Janus, it is a safe bet the "I" key on your keyboard is used up, along with the "M" and "E" keys. Look up "egocentrism" and get a clue...

janus's picture

try again.

really?  'using up' letters on a keyboard...WTF?

if you're gonna come at janus; make it fuckin count.

dottjt's picture

Charles Dickens was funny back in the 19th century; not so much now.

You are neither. 

Here's the problem: The joke is quite simple. It's all about reinterpreting the premise within the reader's mind. You must shatter their interpretation and 'wow' them. 

That is why humour is synonymous with wit. It's a word game. 

The problem is that your premise AND interpretation is rediculous, thus none of it makes any sense. It's just a non-sensical diatribe. No perceivable wit nor intelligence. 

It doesn't help that you don't use proper grammar and spelling.  

In other words, your own interpretation of life is fucked up and you cannot relate to the common person. 

Which means failure on your behalf as a comedian, if you're trying to communicate with others. This isn't about you. This is about the reader, unless if you admit yourself that you only write for yourself, by which you should have zero expectations for the reception to your own humour from others. 

That's not to say it's a bad thing and that you're not funny. I'm just explaining why 99.9999% of people don't understand your humour and why no one finds it funny, myself include.

janus's picture

sorry it took me a bit to get back with ya...too busy being awesome on the golf course and elsewhere.

let me make haste and instruct you on a few matters:

1) you know nothing of dickens.  he was no humorist.  ever heard the term dickensian?  it's a way of saying 'grim, desperate, moribund (perhaps you should look that one up, too) and dismal' but in a specific context -- methinks you should select metaphors from sources more familiar...i don't know, say, video games (just a hunch). 

all of which does not mean he (dickens) lacked wit; but, again, a field with which you're unfamiliar.

2) yes, you stick with simple jokes for simple folks; and janus will write for the few.  in other words: most think jay leno is funny (i reckon you're among them).  janus has higher standards.

3) let me get this straight:  you think you're gonna teach janus something about the wow factor?  wow. 

4) i think you've identified the salient difference between us: you want to wallow in the praise of commonness.  janus rejects the common and searches out the extrodinary.  you sir, are oh-so meanly average.  just as common as can be.  so, i congradulate you!  you are stuck, fat-dumb & happy, smack-dab in amongst the dreck that stuffs the flabbiest portion of the bell-curve.  ZERO SIGMA EVENT = djtwitt.

5) it is all about janus. 

6) i don't give a fuck what 99% of people like.  the great unwashed love arby's, spam, USA Today, fiat, dems/repubs and warfare.  they can rot in hell for all i'm concerned.  i'm after the minds of the 1%...not defined by bank accounts; but by a less tangible quality.  seems you're unaware that it even exists...outside money and popularity, there are other metrics that matter -- but only to those who avoid people like you when searching out someone interesting. 

finally, i will not give up hope for you, djtwitt!  but, it's gonna be tough love.

i was hoping one of the 'official' posters from ZH would draw my ire.  lucky you, djtwitt! 

hope you have a very thick skin...yer gonna need it. 

Disclaimer: janus bears no responsibility for the condition of your ego; nor for any things you may do to yourself as a result of the evisceration you are to receive over the coming weeks/months (as long as i'm amused, really).

now, let the games begin.

all in good fun,


Ar-Pharazôn's picture

myself too.


that guy is annoying, very annoying

janus's picture

thank you, sir.  best compliment yet!

i am indeed the Great Gadfly!  the burr in yer fuckin saddle, bitch.


Temporalist's picture
1.5 million take to streets of Barcelona in support of independence As many as 1.5 million took to the streets of Barcelona on Tuesday in an unprecedented show of mass support for autonomy from Madrid, blaming Spain's economic crisis for dragging their wealthy region down.


Britain and US 'have no moral right to prevent Israel acting against Iran' Benjamin Netanyahu denounced American and British efforts to restrain Israel from striking Iran, saying that no-one had a "moral right" to prevent his country from acting against a mortal threat.


Coldfire's picture

You are some kind of firecracker, dottjt. Thank you for your service.

dottjt's picture

Thank you, sir. Touch me and I'll explode. It takes a little less if you're a girl. 

hannah's picture

"Don't worry man. It's a lot easier if you just become religious. Then you won't need to think about life's tough, unanswerable question. 

Worked out for Jesus!

PS: Zero Hedge don't allow you to delete comments, do they? "


just delete the edit and your comments will go away......

dottjt's picture

Don't worry man. It's a lot easier if you just become religious. Then you won't need to think about life's tough, unanswerable question. 

Worked out for Jesus!

PS: Zero Hedge don't allow you to delete comments, do they? 

White.Star.Line's picture

I'm still trying to catch up on all the current news.

Bit behind, I'm still wrapping my head around the reasons for Garfield's assassination!

dottjt's picture

Don't worry man. It's a lot easier if you just become religious. Then you won't need to think about life's tough, unanswerable question.

Worked out for Jesus!

dottjt's picture

haha someone isn't familiar with sarcasm. It's difficult when you don't have a brain, it's understandable.