Big Mouth Strikes Again

Tim Knight from Slope of Hope's picture

A reader sent me a link to a video of Slope mascot AJC. I didn't want to watch it, but I glanced at the text summary, which stated:

"Abby Joseph Cohen, Goldman Sachs' senior investment strategist, says shares are set to hold value for the long run but may cheapen over the summer."

OK, so this lady (it's a lady, right?) gets paid millions upon millions of dollars for observations like this. So let's disect this a bit. She (again - sorry to trouble you - we're talking about a she, correct?) says that shares are set to hold value for the long run but may cheapen over the summer.

What does "set to hold value" mean, exactly? What percentage volatility is she talking about?

What is long-run? A year? Five years? A decade?

And stocks may cheapen? May? So if they don't cheapen, she only said "may", so she's off the hook. And if they do cheapen, she predicted it. Oh, and how by how much? I "may" join the Blue Man Group next year. But I probably won't.

I mean, hell, I can make these predictions too. Stocks may rise in value over the summer and may dip in the fall, but overall, equities should outperform in the long-term. There. I did it. Where's my check?

Checking Google's auto-fill, by the way, we can see that the Internet population has two prominent questions on its mind, both of which - curiously - are related to matrimony. I shall not comment further on this topic.

0510-abby

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Moe Howard's picture

This bitch is the insider elitist of the year.

"Cohen began her career as an economist in 1973 at the Federal Reserve Board in Washington, D.C. serving until 1977.

From 1983 until 1988, Cohen was the vice president in charge of investment strategy at Drexel Burnham Lambert.
 
Following the Michael Milken fiasco and subsequent United States Department of Justice investigation into Drexel Burnham Lambert's affairs that led to the firm's demise, Cohen worked for a short time with Barclays de Zoete Wedd, then joined Goldman Sachs in New York City as a vice president and co-chair of the Investment Policy Committee in 1990, and was named a managing director in 1996."

"She is famous for predicting the bull market of the 1990s early in the decade. However, she failed to predict the dramatic stock market decline of the early 2000s and developed a reputation as a so-called "perma-bull" and was ridiculed for her continuous bullish predictions after March 2000 as market indices fell. Her reputation was further damaged when she failed to foresee the great crash of 2008. On a CNBC appearance in March 2008, she predicted S&P 500 at 1550 by end 2008."

Hedgetard55's picture

Abby is 3/32 Cherokee, bitchez.

Don Diego's picture

No way, a member of the priestly caste of the cohenim would have never intermarried with a goy, especially one with a funny haircut.

rosiescenario's picture

Abby was one of the prime cheerleaders encouraging the sheep to the cliff during the internet bubble.

 

Why anyone would give her any sort of credence is beyond me.....Google Abby and Internet Recommendations.....you'll be amazed at the bs that cost investors billions. She is one of the reasons why small investors have left the market.

Savyindallas's picture

Is Abby gay? (not that there's anything wrong with that) Obama says being gay is good. He should know -he and Rahm have had a thing going for many years - and I don't mean that in a negative sense. Nothing wrong with being gay. I think all kids should be encouraged to experiment with their sexuality (excluding mine, of course) It should be taught in schools. Gay is good. I'm no nazi. If guys want to take it up the old poop shoot- who am I to judge? Fudgepackers are people too. When Obama announces his support for gay marriage -vaseline, condoms and cocaine sales skyrockedted last night- thousands of jobs were created. If he made such an announcement every day-we'd have full employment in 6 months.

WAMO556's picture

Not only that, but there should be public nudity, gay people should be able to have anal sex in public, churches, where-ever.

Fuck, lets make it a mandatory event that ANY person who says that they are straight should have their shit pushed in at least once so that they can find out if they are "TRULY" gay or not, because there just may be a host of closet homo's floating around just waiting to have some dude fuck'em in the rusty sherif's badge. I mean, who am I to judge???!!! I think that the Civil Rights Act should be amended to read that being a HOMO is not a behaviour issue it is a civil rights issue.

Alas, all of those bible thumping right wing haters need to be re-educated. I have an idea that could really re-educate the way all of these staid hetero haters think... I think that if we got some real civil rights activists on the side of this issue, say Sharpton and Jackson to renounce being straight and will not look at another female, ever, and start romping and packing each other (publicly... of course) that that would be crystalizing event to legitmize and de-stigmatize this rather current abhorrent behavior into a mainstream portion of americana. There can be only good in this....

Fudge Packers UNITE!!!  

LOTS OF SARCASM!!! BITCHEXXX

Savyindallas's picture

Is Abby gay? (not that there's anything wrong with that) Obama says being gay is good. He should know -he and Rahm have had a thing going for many years - and I don't mean that in a negative sense. Nothing wrong with being gay. I think all kids should be encouraged to experiment with their sexuality (excluding mine, of course) It should be taught in schools. Gay is good. I'm no nazi. If guys want to take it up the old poop shoot- who am I to judge? Fudgepackers are people too. When Obama announces his support for gay marriage -vaseline, condoms and cocaine sales skyrockedted last night- thousands of jobs were created. If he made such an announcement every day-we'd have full employment in 6 months.

Clever Name's picture

+1 for the Smiths reference.

fredquimby's picture

Yup, it's why I clicked the story too. That and the fact it didn't have frikkin Greece in the title

TGR's picture

Same. But quite a funny article none the less.

lsbumblebee's picture

Abraham Joseph gets her numbers straight from the source.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlWsqDNvHQ0

Downtoolong's picture

Don’t kid yourself. When she’s off camera she drops the granny garb, puts on a pair of jack boots and breeches and starts whipping the Goldman trading staff with a crop to front-run her latest advice to muppets. Behind the curtain, she’s like Mom on Futurama.

LowProfile's picture

Don't be dissin' Mom, fucker!

Her galactic monopolies produce Old Fashioned Robot Oil, robots and other desirable goods and services!

AJC just pushes paper around with her greasy sausages.

Also, Mom isn't a fat ass.

JuicedGamma's picture

Here I was having a nice evening and then you had to bring up this bore^h^h^h^h. boar.

Ah well.  Maybe I'll go read Stephen King or something.

Taint Boil's picture

 

 

Wow, it looks like someone fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. 

midgetrannyporn's picture

I have a prediction: The squid will pay out the lion's share of earnings to insiders while shareholders get reamed.

AGuy's picture

Who do you think we are, a bunch of Muppets? Thats not a prediction, that is a Fact!

 

 

 

israhole's picture

Hard to believe, but TK showing up means S&P +20% in the next few months.

dolph9's picture

I wonder who this jap blew to get where she is.

cheesewizz's picture

now she can use a good tan....OK i'll stop

ThisIsBob's picture

She has to have some pictures of Blankfein with a goat - no other explanation for her being around.

shovelhead's picture

Shhhhhh!

Don't embarrass the goat. He had to submit or lose his job.

Long-John-Silver's picture

I can time travel too, I just can't control it at all. I'm stuck in normal forward and can't divert from the disaster dead ahead.

Coldfire's picture

Abby Joseph Blowin'

LowProfile's picture

UGH...

Not even with Bobby Brusca's dick!

cbxer55's picture

I "may" fart here soon. Coyote chow, knowhatimeanvern? ;-)

I "should" be able to catch that dang road runner in the near future.

I should avoid falling off cliffs for my healths sake.

markar's picture

"is Abby Joseph Cohen married?

 

Yes. To Christina Lagarde

smlbizman's picture

have you ever seen christina lagarde and tan mom in same place?

Manthong's picture

I kind of figured they just both had the same Kenyan alcoholic bigamist Harvard scholar father.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama,_Sr

smlbizman's picture

when the fuck did raj from whats happening become obama.....

Rusty_Shackleford's picture

Zing!  

I thank you for that one sir.

Manthong's picture

That was a direct reply to the comment above re. tan mom and lagarde who also have white in their ancestry.. just going with the flow when given an opportunity to denigrate the denigrator-in-chief. I inadvertently left off "as Obama" at the end of the sentence.  

ihedgemyhedges's picture

And Merkel is their "third" when they're really feelin' naughty....................

Levadiakos's picture

I "may" be Cramer