The Hilarious G-8 Declaration Decoded

RobertBrusca's picture

Rewriting the Camp David Declaration
– or what they couldn’t say and why they said what they did

1. We, the Leaders of the Group of Eight, met at Camp David on May 18 and 19, 2012 to address major global economic and political challenges (and to get out of our countries for a few days where things are getting downright oppressive).

The Global Economy

2. Our imperative is to promote growth and jobs, but we are failing miserably and do not have a clue what to do…

3. The global economic recovery shows few signs of promise, significant headwinds persist and we have not agreements on key areas of need. Each day the ECB gets more overextended and is without a plan. Below we offer up some nice sounding verbiage that won’t do a thing…

4. Against this background, we commit to take all necessary steps to strengthen and reinvigorate our economies and combat financial stresses, recognizing that the right measures are not the same for each of us and that each of us is likely to fail do exactly what is needed. Germany is more likely to be too austere; Greece is more likely to be too slow to implement any meaningful reforms. Political impasse in Greece continues to point a loaded gun at the head of the euro-or would do so if the euro had a head. Instead the gun is pointed at its financial groin.

5. We welcome the ongoing discussion in Europe on how to generate growth, while maintaining a firm commitment to implement fiscal consolidation to be assessed on a structural basis. This phrasing means nothing to everybody in Europe (or something different to everyone)! We agree on the importance of a strong and cohesive Eurozone for global stability and recovery, and we affirm our interest in Greece remaining in the Eurozone while respecting its commitments. This statement is 180 degrees at odds with where Greece seems to be politically at the moment, but the G-8 can agree on it and it sounds good. It does not reflect any new or existing consensus in Greece, unfortunately. We all have an interest in the success of specific measures to strengthen the resilience of the Eurozone and growth in Europe. But, again, we haven’t the foggiest idea how to do get it. We support Euro Area Leaders’ resolve to address the strains in the Eurozone in a credible and timely manner and in a manner that fosters confidence, stability and growth, but we cannot agree on what these things are, so don’t hold your breath waiting for results.

6. We agree that all of our governments need to take actions to boost confidence and nurture recovery including reforms to raise productivity, growth (this is the German part of the statement) and demand (this is the Greek and French and Italian/Spanish/Portuguese part of the statement) within a sustainable, credible and non-inflationary macroeconomic framework (this is the fanciful part of the statement). We commit to fiscal responsibility and, in this context, we support sound and sustainable fiscal consolidation policies that take into account countries’ evolving economic conditions and underpin confidence and economic recovery (This is the totally oxymoron part of the statement; a bit like the line in the old Blood Sweat and Tears song...’you can help yourself but don’t take too much’).

7. To raise productivity and growth potential in our economies, we support structural reforms, and investments in education and in modern infrastructure, as appropriate (note, not as inappropriate…). Investment initiatives can be financed using a range of mechanisms, including leveraging the private sector (where it is not already dead or too busy avoiding paying taxes). Sound financial measures, to which we are committed, should build stronger systems over time while not choking off near-term credit growth. (…unless, of course, we actually implement them in which case growth of all sorts is likely to be choked off even more. But for now we can stand agreeing that we are ‘committed to them’ as long as we do not have to DO anything). We commit to promote investment to underpin demand, including support for small businesses and public-private partnerships. (?? Is this US language with a commitment to help small business? What the heck is this??)

8. Robust international trade, investment and market integration are key drivers of strong sustainable and balanced growth (This is a sop to traditional neoclassical economics). We underscore the importance of open markets and a fair, strong, rules-based trading system- even though we do not have one and have not had one for 20- to 30-years. We will honor our commitment to refrain from protectionist measures, protect investments and pursue bilateral, plurilateral, and multilateral efforts, consistent with and supportive of the WTO framework, to reduce barriers to trade and investment and maintain open markets. We do this even though WTO does not work and even though the WTO has major hole in its structure by having no clause insisting that currencies trade freely and coalesce around true equilibrium values. We call on the broader international community to do likewise- even though it makes no sense. Recognizing that unnecessary differences and overly burdensome regulatory standards serve as significant barriers to trade, we support efforts towards regulatory coherence and better alignment of standards to further promote trade and growth (perhaps some statement about abolishing graft and bribery especially though the public sector would be helpful here too? Or was that too controversial? Does this mean that the regulatory encroachment is the US in going into reverse? Uh, oh, never mind…).

9. Given the importance of intellectual property rights (IPR) to stimulating job and economic growth, we affirm the significance of high standards for IPR protection and enforcement, including through international legal instruments and mutual assistance agreements, as well as through government procurement processes, private-sector voluntary codes of best practices, and enhanced customs cooperation, while promoting the free flow of information. (This is basically the G-8’s anti-China statement) To protect public health and consumer safety, we also commit to exchange information on rogue internet pharmacy sites in accordance with national law and share best practices on combating counterfeit medical products. (This clause is to make America safe for Viagra use since it’s about the only recreational activity many Americans can afford these days)

Link to actual: There are 40 paragraphs

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DaveyJones's picture

10. We hope you don't read up on Iceland  

fuu's picture

Rubber Scrota made a funny!

azzhatter's picture

Do these fucktards actually think anyone listens to their bullshit statements?

Muppet Pimp's picture

Ol' Brusca may turn out to be a keeper after all ;-)'s picture

why to they hold these meetings in large cities where rioting and destruction can occur? they should meet in Bermuda, Caymans and the Big Island of Hawaii has plenty of empty hotel rooms and facilities. Why cause chaos and confusion? Weird.

GCT's picture

I think Robert is learning a sense of humor from the commentors here.  This is actually funny.

fredquimby's picture

Our imperative is to promote growth and jobs, but we are failing miserably and do not have a clue what to do…

Kill all the machines and we can have our jobs back?!

gojam's picture

I loved this, It's funny 'cause it's true.

If I had one tiny criticism it would be that making the translation bold or a different colour would make it easier to distinguish between the actual text and the translation.


RECISION's picture

I think we may have stumbled onto an answer here.

Whenever the Ministry-of-Truth puts out a statement, or the puppets get up and make a speech, all we need to do is write a "There, fixed it for you.." version.

Our versions will be much more interesting and entertaining to the public.

As well as having the supreme advantage of also being actually true.

Their "Truth-speak" will look instantly ludicrous and non-credible in comparison.

Go to it all you budding writers - expose TPTB to ridicule. 

I am on to you's picture

It went from Social state,to(minimal) Total state,thats where it went wrong.

This is a book by The Nato Theif in command,the Abe Of Jylland:Anders OranguTango Fogh,former tailpipe to Bush and Blair,now Hornblower of The Bilderbergs!Give me room,this planet aint big enogh for all of,ME!

Buck Johnson's picture

They don't know what to do, basically that is what was said in the whole speech.

HarryM's picture

This is the ultimate high stakes poker game on earth - surely no one expects that they would share the truth or their real plans .


RECISION's picture

Albeit, that would suggest they actually have a plan...

As opposed to spastic reaction.

TBT or not TBT's picture

Sure they know what to do.   They're parking their personal assets in sure places, and riding out the perks of their jobs while they last.

Bansters-in-my- feces's picture

If these so called "leaders" want to boost confidence and nuture the recovery........

Put a WHOLE LOT of fucking bankers in jail.......

And oh ya,Free Jon Corzine...!!!!

Fucking Jokesters.

JeffB's picture

"2. Our imperative is to promote growth and jobs, but we are failing miserably and do not have a clue what to do…"


That's the crux of the matter. They are operating under a completely and utterly failed paradigm and will never be able to make headway until they throw that paradigm on the trash heap of history where it belongs. That fatally flawed paradigm is Keynesianism, of course.

Jettisoning true money for a debt based fiat monetary system is a sure fire formula for an economic disaster.

You can't get out of a debt based hole by issuing more debt.

You can't spend more than you produce for very long, though printing money to pay for it may postpone the disaster for awhile. But it punishes savers and rewards those living above their means, the exact opposite of what a healthy economy would do.

Postponing the day or reckoning only makes it worse when it inevitably arrives. It cannot be postponed forever.

Throwing fiat money into the furnace may help the economic train pick up enough speed to stay ahead of the debt collectors for awhile but it's running too hot and the pressure's building to dangerous levels. Something's got to give, and if they keep throwing more money at it, the whole thing's going to blow.


azzhatter's picture

I'm glad Wen clarified that he was in favor of growth. I was concerned he was anti-growth.

Like a meeting of the short bus kids


with apologies to the short bus kids

shovelhead's picture

Drivin' that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
watch your speed
Trouble ahead
Trouble behind
and you know that notion
just crossed my mind

Trouble ahead
The Lady in Red
Take my advice
you be better off dead
Switchman sleepin
Train hundred and two
is on the wrong track and
headed for you

AnAnonymous's picture

That's the crux of the matter. They are operating under a completely and utterly failed paradigm and will never be able to make headway until they throw that paradigm on the trash heap of history where it belongs. That fatally flawed paradigm is Keynesianism, of course.


The paradigm is not Keynesianism. The paradigmi is US citizenism.

Keynes was not born while 'Americanism' led to a global mess like the GD.

Same root cause: failure to expand.

All these G8 US citizens know the deal: they are expansionists and no expansionist in human history has never managed to go round the expansion stage known as saturation.

They have US citizen tricks though like triggering a new wave of colonization.

Growth will be hard to find in US citizen nations. Pouring that too much of US citizens on other countries, where growth can be emulated, is one of the tricks.

JeffB's picture

"no expansionist in human history has never managed to go round the expansion stage known as saturation.


You're still thinking within the Keynesian paradigm, where you can reach a "saturation stage". Actually, it's more of reality pulling an economy that was pushed beyond it's inherent growth rate back to the mean and beyond. Unfortunately, that necessarily entails a liquidation of malinvestments that were squandered in the foolish goosing of the economy beyond it's legitimate limits via artificially low interest rates and loose money.

If an economy is allowed to freely grow at its own pace without government intervention in that growth, advancements in technology and in making processes more efficient there is no "saturation point". It can continue to improve and become more efficient indefinitely.

People can live below their means and save. Those savings can be used to fund capital intensive efforts to improve productivity or new and improved products for society. Some of those efforts fail, but that is a necessary part of the process. The successes outweigh the failures and the economy and society and the savers all benefit.


TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

AnAnonymous said:

The paradigm is not Keynesianism. The paradigmi is US citizenism.

The paradigm is not US citizenism. The paradigm is Chinese citizenism wearing of green hat with number 1679.

They have Chinese citizenism citizen tricks though like triggering panda hobnobbery.

Blobbing up, to emulate fabled past, is one of the tricks.


ihedgemyhedges's picture

Brusca asks this question in his tease at the top:

"Why do they hold these meetings?"

My answer: Simple, Bob. The same reason you post here.  Trying to act like you're doing something of value.................

Cheeky Bitch's picture

Value to ZH via his contributions...Tyler likes the man! You on the other hand do what for ZH?

ihedgemyhedges's picture

keeping failed wall street economists in check, and doing so with a sense of humor..............

azzhatter's picture

I still want to know why that fucking sack of shit Barrosso was there?

Fix It Again Timmy's picture

The bar for leaders has been lowered considerably; myself, I believe I will vote for a sea cucumber for President - it just might be an improvement.

As for the G-8 summit, here is a summation:

1. Eat

2. Drink

3. Piss

4. Shit

5. Sleep

6. Exchange pleasantries

7. Photo shoots

8. Get some...

You would expect more but:

DaveyJones's picture

9. as for the citizens, see 1 & 4

CH1's picture

9. Drive around in limos, enjoy watching the untouchables outside.

You shoud also revise #8 to "Hookers & Blow."

TBT or not TBT's picture

Um, DSK was not at the party.   Hollande was.

RECISION's picture

It started out very well, but kinda slid as it went.

Although, I guess given the source material that was inevitable.

Not even a great joke can survive bureaucrat-babble...

mt paul's picture

it makes perfect sense..

if you freakin, read it backwards


eloquently written too....

nick howdy's picture

Let's not forget the satanic messages..

jwoop66's picture

I'm surprised this article got a low rating.   It was funny.  I looked at the actual page it mocked and was flabbergasted!   Our leaders are an embarassment.   I remember when I was young, it seemed to me that world leaders were serious men who were at least trying to do the best for their countries and their citizens.   Now they are an outright joke.   Obama?! Medvedev?! Hollande?!  Barrossa?!   OMFG! WTF?   Were doooomed!!

upWising's picture

¿ Where is the Missionary Position Statement ?

Charles Wilson's picture


"Hey now baby, get into my big black car
Hey now baby, get into my big black car
I wanna just show you what my politics are.

I'm a political man and I practice what I preach
I'm a political man and I practice what I preach
So don't deny me baby, not while you're in my reach.

I support the left, tho' I'm leanin', leanin' to the right
I support the left, tho' I'm leanin' to the right
But I'm just not there when it's coming to a fight.

Hey now baby, get into my big black car
Hey now baby, get into my big black car
I wanna just show you what my politics are."


Cream, from "Wheels of Fire"



Umh's picture

Pass all the money through us and we will see that 40% is applied to the problems we think are important.

hooligan2009's picture

you will be able to count on one finger how many of these g8 leaders will be in power in two years. you will also be able to count on zero fingers which of these leaders has been enabled via a majority vote (more than 50% or even 40% of voters) to actually enact any policy whatsoever in the directions they have taken. the cures to global ills lie in home economies, not with global agreements. global trade is desirable, but not at the expense of poorly though out policy at home.

FrankDrakman's picture

OK, Harper's one. Shurely Hollande will still be there .. he's not likely to resign, is he? Anyone else?

Paul the Great's picture

Blame Bush.

It's worked so far.


DaveyJones's picture

Veterans march on the NATO Summit & throw back thier medals including ones almost killed at occupy Wall Street:

Revert_Back_to_1792_Act's picture

I was reading about the Postal Accountability and Enhancement Act of 2006 today.  That is a doozy.  It was signed on Bush's watch.  It certainly wasn't just his responsibility though.  It took a lot of people to come up with something like this.    I love how they name these Bills.  Until 2006 the Post Office was a NET Cash Cow for the Federal Government.  This act requires them to pre-fund their health benefits for 75 years in advance.

Since that bill was signed they have been running a huge deficit, closing post offices, etc.  Here is a guy from the League of Postmasters explaining it.

Here is another quick information video.

I wonder what corporation is going to manage all that money?  Of course if the Post Office goes out of business, then there won't be any employees to have health care benefits or money coming in to fund them.

Anyways, the MSM constantly puts out the line that the Post Office is going broke because of email/internet, less people using it, etc.   Most people in the USA believe this but it is just not true.  Why are they messing up this institution of the United States Government.  It would be really easy to fix this problem.


ebworthen's picture

Well done.

When reality intervenes there are always mountains of paper promises and proclamations to attempt to bury it.

Summit in Chicago?  Can you say political payback?  The old mobsters would be jealous.

slaughterer's picture

Fuck em  They are meatheads that deserve to be canned.  And they will be canned.  

DaveyJones's picture

Well said. Reminds me of this piece by Arthur Silber:

"This is one of the great problems with political commentary: politics is only a symptom of a more fundamental condition. Unless we address these more fundamental concerns, the symptom will never be altered in a lasting way. Yet we (and I) spend so much time on political matters because politics affects our lives so dramatically and with such immediacy. Because politics has the power to alter our lives so profoundly and, far too frequently, even to end them, some of us fiercely resist the especially destructive aspects of its operations. Yet this will never be enough by itself, as history, including our recent history and ongoing events, prove repeatedly.

I will rephrase the idea of that last paragraph to express the thought more forcefully. It is not simply that politics is a symptom of more fundamental factors. Politics, in itself, is a sideshow, a distraction, a camouflage. Politics is the means by which power is wielded over human beings. That is all it signifies; that is all it has ever signified. A few of the critical questions are: Who wishes to wield such power? Why? To what ends? And, why are so many people willing to submit to the demands of power?

When we begin to understand the answers to those questions (and many related ones), we begin to see the outlines of what ought to concern us -- where, if you will, the real action is. Political developments are the final result of these underlying dynamics. To focus on politics alone is to engage in the futile rearrangement of derivative elements. This is also why politics is so endlessly repetitive and stultifying, and why a focus on politics alone is so sickeningly boring, when it is not horrifying. Today, it is usually both. "Oh, God! Another horror! How awful!" If you pay attention, you realize that all the horrors you note are the same horrors that occurred a year ago, half a century ago, 200 hundred years ago. This is true even in periods of tragically temporary revolutionary change; see "Concerning the American Change in Management" for an extended consideration of how the American "Revolution" quickly abandoned genuine revolutionary change and instead resurrected age-old patterns of exploitation and oppression. The American "Revolution" ended immediately after it had begun.

If by some series of miracles (none appear to be on offer), significant change were to occur in the American polity, there might be a short-lived victory -- but as with the original American "Revolution," the victory would vanish before it could be enjoyed. The underlying dynamics would reassert themselves once more; the specific forms of exploitation and oppression might be somewhat different, but exploitation, brutality, oppression and death are humanity's constant companions. To concern oneself with politics alone is to deaden one's soul, and to permit the horrors to continue beyond the horizon.

Yet it need not be so. So we must examine why it has been so in the past, and why it is so today. And then we must see how we can change it, finally. "

StychoKiller's picture

Doesn't the World have enough Spam?