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You Won't Believe This!

Bruce Krasting's picture




 

 

I was driving north on the Beltway, getting outside of DC. In the fast lane, going a pretty good clip, not many cars, sun out. In my side view mirror I see a car in the HOV lane coming up quick. A black Bimmer. An old 3 series, with the top down. As the car rips by, I caught a glimpse. I saw lots of blond hair blowing in the wind, dark sunglasses and very red lips. She was singing, I was thinking the radio was on loud. I also noticed that she was blowing black smoke from the car's dual exhaust pipes……

 

Not two miles on, coming up a hill, and I see a car in the left-most lane. It’s black. And it’s not moving at all. My heart skips a few beats; this looks like trouble. I hit the brakes and try to move right, but I’m blocked. As I was adjusting to where I wanted to be, a China Town Bus, marked NYC, comes flying by on my left.

 

The bus driver did a hell of job. He hit the brakes hard, and brought the bus to a halt as quick as a bus with 600k miles, and worn brakes could. Unfortunately, he missed by about five feet. That proved to be a critical five feet, the bus smacked into the back of the car, and of course, it was blond hair and red lips that he hit.

 

You would be amazed at what the front bumper of a bus can do to a BMW, even if the impact is at a low speed. Basically, the trunk of the car ended up in the back seat.

 

I pull over, other cars are slowing down. I get out, and run the two hundred yards to where the car and the bus have ended up. I get close; the lady is fine, she's trying to open the now stuck side door.

 

I yank the door hard – nothing. So I did what I thought might be the right thing – I kicked the door as hard as I could in the hopes of getting it loose. Some how, that single kick tripped the side airbags off.

 

Bang! A cloud of white smoke, black sunglasses flying, Blondie is covered with dust, and she is pissed.

 

The bus driver is out by now, seeing that no one is hurt, him laughing at the airbags going off, saying, “What the F...!” “Why did you stop on the road?”

 

Blondie is out of the car (the door was locked, not jammed), her looking pretty good in spite of the white powder and all, saying to the driver, “F-you!” then turning to me, “F-you too”.

 

She reaches into the car, grabs a briefcase and yanks it out (I did think "gun" for a second or two). She was just going for a phone, but the latches were loose on the case; the top flipped open, and papers and junk went flying into the air. That was Blondie's last straw, she's screaming obscenities, chasing paper. The bus driver is looking at the Bimmer, surprised by what he sees, saying, "It was just a tap".

 

I grabbed a few bits of loose paper, handed them to Blondie. She grabs them, looking at me as if this all my fault. So I leave the scene, thinking what a hard-boiled egg this lady is. By my car, I find another set of papers, no doubt, part of Blondie’s litter. I thought about going back, to give it to her, then thought better of that, threw it in the back seat, and took off.

 

I just looked at those papers. Holy Smokes! What do you make of this?

 

Scan

 

Scan 3

 

Scan 4

 

++

 

If you've made it this far, and your confused and a tad angry, relax; this is just a story. There was no Blondie, or a found memo.

I will say that all of things in that bus accident actually did take place at one time or another with me in the picture, I just mushed them together to tell a tale.

And as for the memo, well there is a fair bit of truth behind my cynicism. You'd never see those words in print, nor spoken by anyone, but the sentiments and thinking I tried to portray are very real. My point here, this is going to get ugly before it ends, and the two sides really do hate each other.

Now you can rail me for stringing you along. My thinking is that if the Onion can do it, I can try. I'm just hoping that few folks in D.C. get a chuckle or two.

So you know, that logo from the letter? That is from the Boy Scouts of America, so I don't think this fooled the D.C. folks for too long....

 

red+lips

 

 

 

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Tue, 01/08/2013 - 16:37 | 3133986 TonyCoitus
TonyCoitus's picture

2013 prediction:

Krasting gets a day job with Mother Jones and a freelance gig for Penthouse forum.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 14:43 | 3133570 silverserfer
silverserfer's picture

Oh wait it looks like the algo's got ahold of this story and are goin crazay!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 14:15 | 3133482 TahoeBilly2012
TahoeBilly2012's picture

I lived in DC for a summer...used to skateboard down Wisconsin Ave to park cars at the Presidents Club near the WH. I lived in Georgetown and it was a pretty surreal place. The women, even the young student one's around G-Town were so uppity and aggressive. I lived with a few guys from crusty families in NYC. They couldn't believe I was just bouncing around, tramping Europe and so on. "Investment banking" was what they all chatted about, the next big thing. I did manage to bag a few upitty gals who probably later in life might have become this woman. Lotsa screaming and scratching but not very cuddly.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 14:06 | 3133447 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

i dont believe your story, that this is NOT TRUE !

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 16:39 | 3133994 negative rates
negative rates's picture

Oh yes it is SISTER, tick tock, I hear in z clock!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:50 | 3133384 linrom
linrom's picture

Just send the memo to Alex Jones or Drudge, they'll fall for it.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:44 | 3133358 onlooker
onlooker's picture

Great story Bruce. I think we have all met this woman several times.

 

a little chart for car smoke

 

  1. Black: too much fuel (running rich) mechanical failure somewhere. Car will keep getting slower and may stop. You may be able to continue to next service center or home.
  2. Grey: engine burning oil or an oil leak on the exhaust system. Possible fire, or engine damage. Pull over and look for leaks and check oil level.
  3. White: water leak from hose or head gasket. Look at engine temperature. When it goes to ¾ hot, pull over to avoid engine damage and or sudden stopping of car in the wrong place.

 

If she has red lips, follow 1 mile behind to rescue if needed.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:34 | 3133298 Benjamin Glutton
Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:41 | 3133343 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

You gonna get raped.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 14:26 | 3133513 Benjamin Glutton
Benjamin Glutton's picture

better bring reinforcements.

 

btw, I am not the hack faking official communications.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:15 | 3133225 IamtheREALmario
IamtheREALmario's picture

A little over the top on the red comments ... but funny.

It is clear that you would never post something real of this sort without all hell having broken out first and/or lawyering up.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:01 | 3133169 Getting Old Sucks
Getting Old Sucks's picture

OH SHIT!

While I was reading the third page, I copied and pasted them all and sent to my Congressman!

Sorry Bruce.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:16 | 3133230 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

LOL That's awesome!

Perhaps we should all send them to everyone there?

You know, for teh lulz (the only reason anyone does anything).

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:26 | 3133270 Azannoth
Azannoth's picture

Let's all(who are American) do this

The_Twelve_Tasks_of_Asterix #8 - Find Permit A 38

to your local Congressman, just copy&paste Bruce's text without providing any links :), let's have some fun!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:03 | 3133174 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Whoops.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:00 | 3133160 HurricaneSeason
HurricaneSeason's picture

I knew for sure it was BS when I saw "we must get a continuing resolution from congress as part of the debt limit deal". There isn't going to be any "debt limit deal". Congress may go home and pout for a month or so, like they did in the 90s, but nobody will notice they are even gone, including the lamestream media. It's hard to write a story about nothing (although you seemed to have whipped one up). They go on 5 week vacations every other month anyway. They'll be embarrassed, but they'll come back. They only have a couple months to figure out there isn't going to be any debt limit deal. That's not enough time, kinda like doing a u turn with a train. It reminds me of the 21 year old girl who doesn't like people getting government checks without a government worker searching their homes for an xbox and government workers analyzing their urine for nicotine. Meanwhile she is actually a 56 year old man who is a "computer specialist" for the Texas Department of Transportation. He probably makes $60K a year for ordering inkjet cartridges and attaching printers when best buy could probably do it for $3000 a year. Then he opts out of social security (wish i could have done that) and goes with a pension plan that will pay him 2 to 4 times as much with him contributing 1/4 as much as social security, while he would like social security recipients to eat dog food. Their pension plans are based on 7 1/2%-8% returns per year and are still 33% unfunded, but they're still collecting. He was also in the army for 20 years at a time there was no mission(that's why we have missions now) and has a chance of getting 3 retirements and 3 healthcares for life for probably jogging around the barracks now and then.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 12:59 | 3133159 NoTTD
NoTTD's picture

Thanks for wasting my time which, oddly enough, has a certain value to it.

 

Also, the thing about hunor is that is supposed to be funny.  And not just to the writer.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 12:38 | 3133090 blindchicken
blindchicken's picture

During the last year i noticed ZH to be following the capitalistic path: add more shit, reduce quality, increase price.

This article is an example.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 12:09 | 3133017 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Bruce! It's six o'clock in the morning here; I just took my first pain pill of the day and I'm not really awake. You shouldn't do things like this; I'm an old man, anything could happen. As it is, I spilled my weak tea. I believed you! And I was starting to think now we've got 'em; then I find out it was just a joke. Sigh.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 11:54 | 3132987 EverythingsSuper
EverythingsSuper's picture

Ha I knew this was a joke, because finding a natural and good looking blonde these days in DC is next to impossible. Just like Rome, during its decline, rich ladies fashioned blonde wigs from hair of the Germanic "barbarians", because they were continually getting darker and darker as more and more nationalities, ethnicities and races mixed in a melting pot....

 

The days of Marylin are long gone.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:07 | 3133189 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

LOL,

The only way Bruce could tell if she was a natural blonde was if she was driving while inverted.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 11:44 | 3132951 SmoothCoolSmoke
SmoothCoolSmoke's picture

Bruce, just one question....did you get a boner writing this?   

 Thought so.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 10:41 | 3132682 geno-econ
geno-econ's picture

What a disappointment .  I thought it was the memo on" Weapons of Mass Destruction" by Goerge II.  Those lips---definitly Condolliza Rice---do you suppose she is Red Dress ?

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 09:29 | 3132434 paint it red ca...
paint it red call it hell's picture

the fictional bitch said it best, “F-you too”.

Wed, 01/09/2013 - 08:54 | 3135817 Bruce Krasting
Bruce Krasting's picture

Like I said, all of the things I described actually happened, just not in the cronology I described.

I was on the Taconic Pkway, uspstate ny, icy conditions. A car in front skids, does a 360 and hits the guard rail. I stop, run to the car, and asked the very nice looking lady behind the wheel, "Are you okay?". It was at that time that the steering wheel airbags go off. Blew up right in her face, knocked her back hard.

She takes a few seconds to gather herself (yes, covered with white powder) and says, "Fuck me!. Then she looked at me and said, "Fuck you too!", so I left.

Wed, 01/09/2013 - 11:46 | 3136550 csmith
csmith's picture

Nice callout in the WSJ today Bruce!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 09:56 | 3132422 Freedomtosayno
Freedomtosayno's picture

The Boys Scouts of America logo had me confused until the end. It reads like so many sociopaths in Washington, (the blond) sounded like an Ann Coulter composite. DePublicans and the RemoCrats, it doesn't matter whom the mouth pieces are, you stated it very well on the psyco/sociopathic megalomaniacal mindset in the District of Confusion as the power behind the throne wants this. Well done and thank you.

 

Eventually it reaches a point of essential alienation, where it can no longer pretend to represent the governed. The American government is now the most powerful human organization that has ever existed. It has made a stupid habit of exercising power arbitrarily, uninhibited by moral or constitutional principle. It is not a conspiracy masterminded by some cunning genius at the center; it is a system of power which large numbers of greedy and ambitious people have learned to use. It has ceased to be a problem for Americans only; it has become a problem for a large part of the human race.   Joseph Sobran  

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 09:23 | 3132420 El
El's picture

There went ten minutes of my life that I can't get back.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 09:11 | 3132391 Downtoolong
Downtoolong's picture

Now you can rail me for stringing you along.

I guessed it by the fourth paragraph. It you had held me to the end, you would have missed your opportunity to be a salesman for Goldman Sachs.

 

 

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 08:39 | 3132342 overmedicatedun...
overmedicatedundersexed's picture

what two sides hate each other...repubsare like us or demsforbush

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 08:38 | 3132338 sangell
sangell's picture

Come to think of it, you might get Dan Rather to bite on your 'papers'. Tell him a man named "Kenneth" passed them to you.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 08:34 | 3132332 sangell
sangell's picture

Washington Post 'reporters' have won Pulitzers for less skillful forgeries!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 08:10 | 3132295 JuicedGamma
JuicedGamma's picture

Thanks Bruce! and it's not even April Fools (I was beginning to wonder and then I saw the document and knew it was a hoax).

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 07:54 | 3132276 mogul rider
mogul rider's picture

I hope they make a 1 trillion dollar platinum coin out of 5 ounces of platinum.

 

cause that makes gold worth about roughly give or take 10 or 20 million about 110 million an ounce

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 07:43 | 3132265 mogul rider
mogul rider's picture

Well done BK

But does this mean also that the platiunum coin isn't real too? They were tricking me???

I kinda liked the idea of seeing 1 trillion dollars worth of platinum rolling down the street to the Fed.

That would have been a great pic.

Oh wait - they would only put 1 trillion on the coin not have 1 trillion in platinum. Now i get it.

You just put a number on the coin, it's not really 555,555,555 ounces of platiunum

 

Gee I'm dumb

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 07:04 | 3132237 sadmamapatriot
sadmamapatriot's picture

Never fooled me. The scribbles gave it away. Women don't talk like that.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:04 | 3133164 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

I beg to differ,

As a youngster I got a job with a construction crew and one of my jobs was to demo out the women's rest room in a warehouse office.

The stuff I read written on the walls forever changed my admittedly limited understanding of women's inner thoughts. Some of that shit written was absolutely depraved beyond anything I could imagine.

It also wised me up to the fact that you could almost get away with anything you could want to do sexually because they've already thought about it/ done it themselves.

Handy stuff to know at 17.

BTW, nice one Bruce...had me going for a bit.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:34 | 3133301 Proofreder
Proofreder's picture

Oh FFFFF  .... coffee all over-

Stop, stop, please!

Sides ache and there are dribbles from the nose.

Laughter is good medicine but I have overindulged.

And it's all your fault, (and BK's).

Sadist.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:18 | 3133239 SAT 800
SAT 800's picture

Absolutely. The only reason it's a seller's market is that they're smarter than men and they pretend we're the ones who "want it". I had two girlfriends who let me in on the real info.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 09:56 | 3132513 Bruce Krasting
Bruce Krasting's picture

Well, I'm not so sure you're right about that.

I did this up, handed it to a nice lady I know, she read it through, and started with the scribbles. I did not write that copy. She did. She was laughing her head off thinking about the necessary lines.

Yeah, she made em up, but I think that she might have said a few of those lines at one time or another. They came too easy...

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 13:13 | 3133218 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

She sounds horny.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 06:17 | 3132214 hustler etiquette
hustler etiquette's picture

I got my shine box. Quite clever Kasting.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 06:10 | 3132209 Tenshin Headache
Tenshin Headache's picture

Always enjoy your writing, Bruce.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 05:53 | 3132200 PUD
PUD's picture

Well done!! Drew me right in!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 05:14 | 3132184 Wakanda
Wakanda's picture

I liked the Christmas story better, but this would make a better movie.

Keep writing BK!  Storytelling can be a very important and emotionally rewarding occupation.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 04:20 | 3132155 pfairley
pfairley's picture

Not bad. The Christmas party story was better. Bruce should report on more social events...then after 20 or so he could cash in with a easy book deal. 

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 04:09 | 3132145 Element
Element's picture

Top stuff bruce, funny too. I see the phantom down-arrower has struck the thread, again, hilarious.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 02:06 | 3132008 DeadFred
DeadFred's picture

For a while I was worried our best top-of-the-page guy was going to visit a certain place in SE Cuba. Whew!

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 02:26 | 3132037 Dr. Sandi
Dr. Sandi's picture

I hear the beach is nice. But the rooms really suck.

Tue, 01/08/2013 - 01:06 | 3131879 lunaticfringe
lunaticfringe's picture

My brother n law is a Boeing engineer. He laughs at the alleged engineers with Chinese degrees. He says they and their degrees are every bit as good as the products you buy at Walmart.

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