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You Won't Believe This!
I was driving north on the Beltway, getting outside of DC. In the fast lane, going a pretty good clip, not many cars, sun out. In my side view mirror I see a car in the HOV lane coming up quick. A black Bimmer. An old 3 series, with the top down. As the car rips by, I caught a glimpse. I saw lots of blond hair blowing in the wind, dark sunglasses and very red lips. She was singing, I was thinking the radio was on loud. I also noticed that she was blowing black smoke from the car's dual exhaust pipes……
Not two miles on, coming up a hill, and I see a car in the left-most lane. It’s black. And it’s not moving at all. My heart skips a few beats; this looks like trouble. I hit the brakes and try to move right, but I’m blocked. As I was adjusting to where I wanted to be, a China Town Bus, marked NYC, comes flying by on my left.
The bus driver did a hell of job. He hit the brakes hard, and brought the bus to a halt as quick as a bus with 600k miles, and worn brakes could. Unfortunately, he missed by about five feet. That proved to be a critical five feet, the bus smacked into the back of the car, and of course, it was blond hair and red lips that he hit.
You would be amazed at what the front bumper of a bus can do to a BMW, even if the impact is at a low speed. Basically, the trunk of the car ended up in the back seat.
I pull over, other cars are slowing down. I get out, and run the two hundred yards to where the car and the bus have ended up. I get close; the lady is fine, she's trying to open the now stuck side door.
I yank the door hard – nothing. So I did what I thought might be the right thing – I kicked the door as hard as I could in the hopes of getting it loose. Some how, that single kick tripped the side airbags off.
Bang! A cloud of white smoke, black sunglasses flying, Blondie is covered with dust, and she is pissed.
The bus driver is out by now, seeing that no one is hurt, him laughing at the airbags going off, saying, “What the F...!” “Why did you stop on the road?”
Blondie is out of the car (the door was locked, not jammed), her looking pretty good in spite of the white powder and all, saying to the driver, “F-you!” then turning to me, “F-you too”.
She reaches into the car, grabs a briefcase and yanks it out (I did think "gun" for a second or two). She was just going for a phone, but the latches were loose on the case; the top flipped open, and papers and junk went flying into the air. That was Blondie's last straw, she's screaming obscenities, chasing paper. The bus driver is looking at the Bimmer, surprised by what he sees, saying, "It was just a tap".
I grabbed a few bits of loose paper, handed them to Blondie. She grabs them, looking at me as if this all my fault. So I leave the scene, thinking what a hard-boiled egg this lady is. By my car, I find another set of papers, no doubt, part of Blondie’s litter. I thought about going back, to give it to her, then thought better of that, threw it in the back seat, and took off.
I just looked at those papers. Holy Smokes! What do you make of this?
++
If you've made it this far, and your confused and a tad angry, relax; this is just a story. There was no Blondie, or a found memo.
I will say that all of things in that bus accident actually did take place at one time or another with me in the picture, I just mushed them together to tell a tale.
And as for the memo, well there is a fair bit of truth behind my cynicism. You'd never see those words in print, nor spoken by anyone, but the sentiments and thinking I tried to portray are very real. My point here, this is going to get ugly before it ends, and the two sides really do hate each other.
Now you can rail me for stringing you along. My thinking is that if the Onion can do it, I can try. I'm just hoping that few folks in D.C. get a chuckle or two.
So you know, that logo from the letter? That is from the Boy Scouts of America, so I don't think this fooled the D.C. folks for too long....
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Take a look. It seems the a Chinese woman offers quite a bit of knowledge. Oh, and she is not an engineer. Pretty interesting.
http://www.flixxy.com/volkswagen-levitating-car.htm
Same with so called chinese developers...
I was a Boeing engineer and your Brother-in-law is full of crap ... those from China that I worked with were just as proficient as any American and they sure worked harder.
I was a Rockwell engineer and you are dead wrong buddy. There are certainly some very bright Chinese engineers (who I worked with or who worked for me) however most of their work was crap. They were only brought on because they worked for practically nothing (earning every penny of it but not more!)
My observation was, (thirty years ago), when we had a few Indian Engineers, that they couldn't invent anything. They memorized everything in their textbooks; they were expert at looking up reference materials, and they were "human calculators"; willing and able to plow through fields of equations to get whatever you needed. but if you told them you needed something nobody had ever done before; nothing happened; they would still be sitting there today. I believe the problem with the Chinese is the same; it's the educational system and the culture. I was hired, (head hunted, actually), because I could invent things; I got two "atta-boys" to hang on my wall for "significant contributions to this and that"; one of my screwball ideas was a top priority secret for fifteen years. This is what you don't get when you hire Chinese Engineering students, or so I have been told. Same as Indian graduates. (working on ballistic missile R&D).
so ann coulter walked away from the crash?
"this is going to get ugly before it ends, and the two sides really do hate each other" ... Yes they do ... ever since the election of 1796.
You fabricated a story to make a point? I don't believe it!
Making it his first fully coherent article!
Weird.
Good thing he made it all up, else he could've expected a visit from Droney at any time.
Bruce you are awesom! You totaly had me! Keep up the great writing! Your stories of talking squirrels in your backyard and mom's famous saurekraut pie keep me coming back for more! Keep em coming!
Dammit, you had me snowed all the way to the end Bruce. Still enjoyed it though, and was hoping it was Red Dress
I didn't bother with the memo... skipped right to the red lips....
Get Tarantino on the phone and tell him I have a script. I don't care who he's with get him on the phone. Oh and tell him I have Natali Portman on the other line and she's screaming she wants in! And who is this Krasting punk? Does he look anything like Bruce Willis because Bruce is totally gonna want that one. Does the Beemer go off a cliff? You said the beemer goes over a cliff, douche. It's gotta go off the fucking cliff already or Willis is not going to return my call bitch.
God this is gonna be hot. Wait a sec this is so good I gotta piss myself.
BW = BK 4 sure.
Bruce, you lost me when you kept the papers you found by the car. I knew the story was not real when I saw the letterhead for OMB on a memo that you were broadcasting to the world.
I imagine you as a man of intelligence and integrity based on what I have read of your writing so far. A.) Too much integrity not to return the papers to the lady, particularly if they had an OMB letterhead, and B.) Too intelligent to think there would be no serious repercussions for reproducing that kind of information on OMB letterhead for public consumption. So I didn't even bother to read the memo. But absolutely loved the lips, until the picture of Hilary ruined it.
Bruce, you are such a douche.
When The Onion does it, it is either so preposterous or banal as to be dismissed.
Neither type-text nor written prose on the alleged memo are capable of categorical dismissal. They just wouldn't risk traceable documentation of it.
Begging for a bias confirmation, I bit it hook, line, and sinker.
Well done.
Grammatically incorrect political tall tales is the new killing it.
My editor hated it. Said she would not work on it. Said it was sexist and inappropriate. Me thinking, "what's wrong with that?" So that was part of the problem.
I need a new editor now.
BTW, inventing all this took a long time, don't bitch.
So Bruce, were you dresses in a tight miniskirt and heels and hot lipstick on when writing this to get "into charachter"?
LOL
Ha Ha. Need a new editor. If she's serious about the sexist PC bullshit, you needed a new editor anyway; now you just know you need a new editor. very funny.
I'll continue to bitch with the hope that the bar is raised at Zerohedge. Have you considered doing something worthwhile with your life as penitence for your life spent as a paper-pushing/rent-seeking parasite, instead of this political drivel which "took a long time"?
If the bar was raised, we'd have to refuse your application to join. think first; type second.
Water is wet as you are:
A) Clueless
B) Grinding a Political ax of your own
C) Wrong
D) Not in the right area of the internet
E) All of the above
You have a nice touch for story telling. I want more.
Also, a knack for forging documents. Most people don't know what they're looking at anyway. As long as it looks official, it's good.
1990's murder mystery, Wall Street, shady characters, shady deals, shady women, love, sex and lies.
The murder goes unsolved until 2008 when.........
That's the book I keep fiddling with.
narrated by your brittish accent talking backyard squirrel, Harry Nutze?
...the murderer, now married to the victim’s sister and managing an MBS hedge fund within a prominent bank founded by his wife’s family, is forced into ever more desperate measures as the financial crisis peels away layer after layer of deception, betrayal, psychopathology and a criminal conspiracy that reaches from the highest levels of New York society to a secret sex club dungeon in the bowels of the Federal Reserve building on Liberty Street.
Brad King, once a rising star on Wall Street and engaged to the beautiful and now long dead victim, is living alone on Long Island, semi-retired and wrongly tainted by a scandal he has always suspected was contrived to de-rail his career. The chance discovery of a note inside a book that once belonged to his fiancé’s grandfather becomes the key piece in a puzzle Brad always knew was there….but could never have imagined the horror it would depict.
Just as the real story begins to emerge, the government’s sudden and massive bailout of Wall Street threatens to bury the past for good. Brad’s determination to bring to justice those who killed the love of his life along with what turns out to be a growing list of many others is thwarted at every turn. But those still alive and innocently standing between the secret cabal and the objects of their lusts are going to need his help much sooner.
Because no one can hear you scream when you're 40 feet underground and surrounded by three meters of solid gold!
Brad King - great name.. Not sure I'm with you with the sex-clubs at the Fed. That seems a bit over the top. Now the gold that there, well there have been 3-4 movies about stealing that already. Meaning it is a proven winner...
So keep going with that.
Bruce,
You had me until you mentioned Huffington. That's where the cynic met the laughter. But what you've created is good. You are defintely developing a style suited to the madness here. Keep up the show, man.
Washington, the place surrounded by reality.
I agree, this will be like high noon! Not like the Fight Club.
I wonder who will ride out of town with the lady?
If you have read Steve Moore's interv with Speaker B in WSJ today you will see just what kind of 1984 world these snakes are living in. Dearest Leader and his klak are hard to handle but handle they must be- otherwise what little is at stake will be gone in 4 years and never will it be able to be retrieved, which is just what they want. It is total full court press 24/7. Better get that, people of the loyal opposition.
my favorite so far is Obumbo's modest proposal that "We don't need no steenking debt limit; the debt limit will just be rraised by presidential fiat, (me!) whenever I feel like it". Apparently, according to the main stream press this was actually part of the "proposal" he presented to the Reps. in Congress for the fiscal cliff package. Mind blowing. Why not just elect a dictator and be done with it.
Freshman Congressman from TN or OK was on phone w/ FBN today.
Told the story about the legislature. Basically that with all the people fawning over those in the legislature, he could see how they could easily lose connection with back home. Congressman this and come this way Congressman privileges. Said there were three people fawning over his coffee order. Said it was madness.
Those in the legislature are out of touch with reality back home as they are treated like royalty where ever they go, especially the eateries and restaurants.
Splains why these assholes act like they do.
He vowed a 6 yr limit for himself. He's got a plumbing business he inherited @ 20 y/o w/$500k debt, which he/wife cleared in 3 yrs and went from 12 employed to over 130 now, and a cattle ranch already. Pretty sure it was in OK.
We need more like him.
OT on the topic of smoke - Whats up with Boeing BK ? Remember you putting some articles out on the company. The 787 is really having some tough luck post-launch. I wish their engineers good luck.
Actually, me calling for problems with this plane was not a big deal. Everything is new, and complicated. It had to have problems.
The latest fire in the hold sure makes for bad pics. I don't want to fly in this plastic boat.
Doesn't matter. The stock is pushing the highs. Go figure.
Animal spirits; bubble psychology; already short the ES; not doing me any damage so far. Human beings do bubbles; they get carried away; they always believe in the tree that will grow to the sky.
you got me goin
If you said this was from a Republican, Dan Rather would run with it. It's that good of a forgery.
Bruce, you're a dumbass.
Should'a run the story as fact from the get go. The Marixsts would have, truth be damned.
Would'a been a great story and lots of political friction.
Dumbass. Stop letting conservative morals get in your way.
Used to be I'd take the moral route, No More. My line in the sand was drawn and the commies have crossed it.
Time to go vertical on the payback and whack the progs with everything we've got.
Their time is coming. They will receive no quarter from me.
I think they prosecute you for things like that. No? not sure. not a lawyer, thank god. something like fraudulent pretense; or something. hmm. wait; the whole government is a fraudulent pretense. Oh, hell, I don't know.
Actually, it was um kinda like stuck to the back of yeah yeah a certain birth certificate! Move along now!!!
ROTFL!!!...I was really hoping it was "Red Dress"...you're gonna freak when it happens ;-)
I think this was the 'anti-red dress'. Red Pen perhaps?
Regular biz in white-Washing-town!
So this is every bit as true as anything else coming out of D.C.
Am I the only one who can't tell the difference between satire and reality anymore? After hearing the idiot congressman, Hank Johnson, worrying about the island of Guam capsizing, nothing surprises me.
Poe's Law, FTW!
That was funny, wasn't it; thanks for reminding me. I had a nympho girlfriend once who went to Guam to work as a bar girl, she said the military guys routinely called it Give Up And Masturbate. (not enough bar girls).
good try bruce, but every reader instantly recognized those lips
http://oi49.tinypic.com/34hvq6h.jpg
they even match the color of old glory
Bruce in drag?