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(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI - Single Male and Female Category
(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI - Single Male and Female Category
By
Cognitive Dissonance
A massive cold front moved through the area where I live last night just as I was Hurricane Irene shopping. Unfortunately the rapid moving, but still very nasty, line of storms brought 60-80 MPH winds and sideways rain for 10 minutes in order to soften everyone up for Hurricane Irene’s coming beat down.
Since I was fueling my car and backup 5 gallon gas can just as hell descended I was drenched in 15 seconds flat. Abandoning any hope of hitting the grocery store for fear of being poisoned like any other large wet rat, I headed home for a change of clothes only to watch the area descend into darkness as an area wide blackout hit once again.
Oh goody. I was reminded of the joys of rural living in a kilowatt deprived area.
After changing into dry clothes and pitifully chipping away at a still frozen dinner for some meager nourishment (use it or lose it is the blackout mantra) I then moved on to clearing some of the fallen branches from the back yard until dusk finally fell. Thoroughly exhausted I collapsed into my favorite rocking chair for some deep contemplation and penetrating introspection.
Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.
Waking an hour later in pitch black and with no flashlight or candle at hand I discovered the joys of blind circumnavigation of my home. Trust me when I tell you that it is not as you remember it. The good news is that toe nails eventually grow back almost as good as new. The bad news is that there is no effective cast for a broken big toe. Suck it up CD.
Falling into bed (literally since that was where I broke my big toe) I fitfully waited until the pain subsided enough to enter dream land. Sadly, all those friendly and comforting red, blue and green power LEDs that normally surround us 24/7 were extinguished and suddenly I realized I had never really gotten over my childhood fear of the dark. All of which got me to thinking about surviving the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI).
Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.
Blessedly I was so exhausted from my tree limb clearing duties that I sleep straight through my wetting of the bed (damn prostate) and awoke at 3 AM as every light in the house suddenly flashed on. God is a cruel jokester because the wet spot was now plenty cold and it’s a new mattress to boot.
After removing the linens and digging out the wet/dry Shop Vac to salvage my pride (but not the mattress) I limped into my home office to see how the world faired during my absence. Clearly I had hired the right people because things were still just as screwed up as when I left them so I turned to writing down my thoughts on the coming end of the world.
Written from the point of view of a single male or female who has just experienced a blackout and must adjust his or her disaster planning based upon the new information just gleaned, I hope you find it useful as you contemplate your own personal Armageddon.
And just in case any of you males out there scoff at the idea of a female being equal to a male during the end times, a dear and trusted female friend of mine assures me that a well armed and pissed off female is not someone you want to mess with. We all know who really would have run Bartertown if Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) had been suitably armed and thus properly motivated.
Below please find the lessons learned from the blackout. Then turn on The Weather Channel and watch Hurricane Irene Rototill the East Coast for a primer of what’s to come.
1) Nearly everything in your house, including half the furniture, was designed with electricity as a vital function. Which means most of the home furnishings will be useless when the world comes to an end, including that La-Z-Boy heat and vibrate recliner/Jacuzzi with the built in toaster oven/microwave. Consider barter opportunities for a Guillotine before the end times.
2) Since we are all modern intelligent pampered man and women, it is clear that we will become so angry when electricity is removed from the earth forever that the vast majority of us will go postal. Consider warning select family members to stay away from you during this period of your transition. Or skip the family warning and just settle some old scores.
3) Despite spending the last four years trying to encourage your neighbors to minimally prepare for disaster, not a fracking one within a quarter mile even had a candle during the blackout and all immediately showed up on your doorstep looking for handouts. Looks like you’ll need to double your guns and supplies. Consider creating an underground supply depot off-site just in case the extended family comes to visit when the world ends. Then you can fall back, resupply and retake your house when they are sleeping. Tear gas is considered essential.
4) You finally got a chance to check out the next door neighbor’s wife or husband in low light conditions. S/he is still a fine looking potential spouse and most definitely worth trading your generator for. However, first check to see if your neighbor will take beads and trinkets for the spouse. Remember that it is a sin to over pay.
This hurricane weekend might be the chance to test the barter waters. Note to self: Make sure you have at least two generators on hand when the end comes because the traded-for spouse might not be too happy coming to your cold and dark place after you just traded your only generator away. Whatever you do, remember to keep your firearms under lock and key lest your new spouse decide to go into business for him or herself.
5) Thank God you always buy the physical book even when purchasing the Kindle version. If you survive your mass murder phase of TEOTWAWKI you will have plenty to read. Check to see if the next door neighbor’s so-to-be ex-spouse can read before consummating the trade.
6) Up to now your large supply of hand tools were used as door stops and paper weights. Now’s the time to organize them into small, medium and large door stops as well as dead weights for body disposal duties.
7) People seem to drive slower and more erratically during blackouts, even though their car works perfectly and they’re driving on the same dark country road that never had street lights to begin with. Note to self: Keep several guns in the car during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event.
8) Your entire life is stored on your electronic devices, all of which will become completely useless during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event. Make sure all data is backed up on a portable hard drive so that you can sleep with it when the end comes. This assumes your new spouse will be agreeable to the ménage-a-trois. Barter him or her away if not.
9) Begin replacing all wall to wall carpet with tile, wood and brick. Without electricity you will not be able to vacuum the carpets, making then a breeding ground for fleas, ticks and sexually transmitted disease. Make your new spouse wear a chastity belt or lockable stainless steel jock strap to prevent unintended infection. Always have a spare spouse ready to go just in case you lose the first one.
10) Immediately covert all precious metal stock shares held electronically into physical stock certificates. This will make you insanely rich when the end comes because 99.99999% of the world won't be able to prove they own anything. Barter up to a better spouse at this time.
BTW the bartering for a new spouse also works with married couples and those in long term relationships. Just understand that you might need to give someone the generator in order for them to take your spouse. And make sure your spouse isn’t making a deal to barter you away first. Know your enemy.
08-26-2011
Cognitive Dissonance
Be the good Boy Scout and be prepared.
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Your reply is exactly the reply I always get! So yes, you made my point precisely.
Alaska is 2.5 times the landmass of Texas. It is a big place. Like many big places, it has multiple climates. You were clearly "north". I live "south". Visit the Wiki for Anchorage, Fairbanks, and Juneau. They have climate information.
Junuea, as is almost all of the SE, is like a slightly colder Vancouver/Seattle. The proximity to the Pacific regulates the temperature quite effectively. So much so that I live in a temperate rainforest (the largest in North America to be precise).
I moved here in Feb and quite enjoyed the winter. In fact, I think I like the winter more than the summer, as the mountains/trees/snow can make for stunning vistas. There was only one "cold" week which got to the 20s in the day and the wind was pretty high. Other than that, low 30s during the day, 20s/teens at night was pretty standard.
Regards,
Cooter
Is it close to the Costco?
New Jersey.
Get some LED lanterns that run off rechargable AA batteries, get some solar panels and 12v deep cycle batteries.
Forget the spouse if they are in any way a yuppie princess/prince. They'll be deadweight going forward and you'll regret taking them on.
This brings back memories from decades ago during a surfing trip to baja. I mentioned to my buddie that a new girl friend was flying down to join us in LaPaz. "Girlfriend traveling with us" says Carl, "why that's almost as good as a dog".
Just remember the last paragraph where I give the following warning. :)
Here's your shopping list:
http://www.thepowerhour.com/news/items_disappearfirst.htm
Good list. Here is another list of 50 "essential" items:
https://quantumpranx.wordpress.com/50-items-you%E2%80%99ll-need-in-exten...
...and don't forget the Insect repellent...they can be brutal in some areas outdoors!
And there I was charging through every single hardware, grocery, drug store and AAA office trying for the goats and chickens first. Silly me.
"Goats. Price check. Aisle three." Ahh, the good old days...
Twitched....
Geez, CD.. never walk around in the dark without illumination, especially during a TEOTWAWKI emergency.
Thats what Tac lights on Glocks are for.
At one point my big toe was throbbing so much I considered shooting myself in the arm so I would forget about the big toe. Thank God I fell asleep before I could do so.
Been there, done that. Ouch.
Actually, I don't like wearing the 3V lithiums in any of the tac lights down, so if agressors are not in the picture, I have those little cheap LED flashlights scattered everywhere.
Regular ol' alkaline batteries last for years and the LED's give off servicable light for many hours.
Smashed nails hurt badly particularly if the pressure is not relieved.
If that's the case a neat remedy is to sterilize a common sewing needle, or a pin, in the flame of a match (red hot should do) and drill through the nail until the blood and such is let out.
Oh, btw,that will be $400.
There's the one with the frozen knitting needle inserted under the eyelid to relieve the pressure when you've got a black eye, too.
Are you fucking crazy?
The power's out.
The governor has declared the whole state a disaster area and
anybody outside their home will be round up and exported to Tripoli.
The lights are out.
You haven't even got a flashlight
And you're heating up a needle with your last match to push it through your toenail into your foot in the dark and you'll wind up with an infection and die of the heebiejeebies alone in the cold dark cruel world.
Son, have you ever considered running for the Senate?
I went to sleep in my boat one time. Another fisherman woke me up. I asked him if he was a pirate looking to hijack the boat. He said no, he wondered if I was dead.
Spent the night in the ER from the worst sunburn the doctor said he'd ever seen. Gave me some painkillers that made me sick, so I sufferred for two weeks.
Just closed my eyes for a minute......
don't mean to one up you but you reminded me of a story that is only funny in hindsight. my wife's uncle used to party down at the dock with his other boating friends every weekend. one sunday night he slipped on the dock on the way to pass out for the night and broke several ribs. of course the anesthesia he had been imbibing wore off by the morning and he found himself an immobile mountain(he is a big guy) of excruciating pain. because he couldn't move he couldn't call anyone and he was baking in the hold of the boat as the day wore on. no one knew he was there. it wasn't until monday evening that his wife went to the marina to see if he was there(actually to bitch at him for spending so much time drinking with his buds). eventually it took 8 paramedics to daisy chain him out of the cabin of the boat because of his size, the lack of room and the tiny door. my uncle in law was screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs the whole time. that was teotwawki to him.he still gets reminded of it every family gathering.
Holy ribs Batman! Shit, at least I got a shot of Demoral which killed the pain right quick, but then it wore off.....
Remind me to count my beers, that hurts my ribs thinking about it
.......goes to get another beer....
:)
Though I've read your article twice I can't seem to find instructions for butchering your neighbors and preparing them for consumption. An oversight on your part perhaps?
It gets worse: http://www.amazon.com/Contingency-Cannibalism-Superhardcore-Survivalisms...
http://www.amazon.com/Eat-Thy-Neighbour-History-Cannibalism/dp/075094373...
They had 7 used copies for sale... Used copies.
What the fuck?
You probably don't need to keep the resource around once you get the hang of it I'm guessing. Much like riding a bike I'd imagine?
Why forever get rid of it? Just think what a great coffee table book it'd be. "Oh Marie, I just love your cannibal book, it's so earthy...."
Kinda like those Spirit "All Natural" Cigarettes.
And everybody keeps talking about "When" the shit hits the fan. I got some timely news for 'em....
I guess it wouldn't look toooo out of place next to the necrophilia for dummies book series.
That's just wrong man. Damn.
Tastes like chicken.
Can't remember the name of the book for sure (Alive! ???) about the soccer team plane that crashed in the Andes sometime in the 70's. They said "Tastes like frozen ham."
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Live here almost 2 miles from the pavement. Rural roads here are already showing green (cracked pavement sprouting growth), a sign of structural failure.
Locals are gardening and trying to sell veggies in greater numbers.
Unemployment is rampant, so is the stealing. Government has taken a hit in the last election but is ready to strike back, gobbling up the resources.
Have heat for a year, food in the yard, on wing and hoof.
Get a dog, skip the wife, better yet, have a 3 Dog Night when it really gets cold...They do not sue for 3 forths.
And they demonstrate LOYALTY.
Funnnnnnnnnnnnnnny!
Great read, thanks!
I gotta agree, when the grid goes out, for good, the thin veneer of civility will peel quickly.
Oh-
I have a surefire way to keep the relatives and neighbors under control.
After the collapse, go to each of them, at least once a week and beg for matches and a can of beans, anything.
It'll sting the pride, but they'll never come near your place.
Leave the mattress outside and the rain will wash it clean. Just don't forget to tie it to the tree and try not to fall asleep on it this time... :)
Hmm, that already happens to me and I'm barely middle-aged. Uh oh.
had a broken toe once...damn they hurt.
I was a young tough, and was gonna put some hurt on another kids snowman.
Unfortunately it was built the day before, partially melted and refrozen into IceMan.
I limped for two years.
BTW, send us some of your rain. TX can use it.
I may have exaggerated the broken toe a bit. It might just be a bad strain. But not the busted big toe nail.
We shall see once the black and blue turns to yellow.
had my thumb nail obliterated this year. Finally played my first round of golf two weeks ago. Still...my hand modeling career has been RUINED. I was going to sue but then i fell asleep.
Man ... buy a flashlight.
Shotguns. The preferred method of survival is to remain quiet, bunkered down, and mind your own business. Therefore, unless you are bugging out, where weight is a factor and range may be important, most engagements will be at short ranges and shotguns will the weapon of choice. Zombie repellant would be nice too.
Problem is the goonies could just sit out there at 100-200 meters and practice siege warfare. Good to have at least a little mid to long range capability. Plus, the farther out you tag em', disposal is someone elses problem.
ROTFL Cossack,
"Buzzards gotta eat." (spits tobacco juice)
Given the wide variety of ammunition for the 12 gauge it remains one of the most adaptable and easiest to handle weapons around. A saboted slug can reach well over 100 meters with a good degree of accuracy and provide devastating stopping power when it arrives. From close quarters with 00 and shotshell to long range slugs to rubber and beanbag rounds just for deterrence, the 12ga is hard to beat. New mini shells allow you to carry much more ammo than previously thought. 'Cut shells' turn an ordinary waterfowl round into a devastating slug with wall penetrating/room clearing power. If there's one thing you must have, it's a decent shotgun. Me? Mossberg 500 & 590's, scoped, tactical outfits, tons of ammo...
Top end build (for reliability) Saiga-12 with 20 rd. drum and single O buck = 8 shots (96 .30 cal pellets) downrange in 2.1 seconds.
Lots of other fun stuff, but that's the big'un.
"If you don't have to call in a contractor, it ain't a real gunfight."
(Smacks self in head) "Saiga!" Thought about it but you can hardly find them used...dangit!
Humor. Try it. :)
Hey Jackass, you're the one who broke your toe in the dark, not me.
I'm laffin' and it ain't at me!
My apologies Steve.
I assumed you understood the role storytelling, fiction and exaggeration play in writing this humor piece. I suppose you also believe everything Dave Barry discusses about himself.
http://www.davebarry.com/
I would recommend a large inverter, powered by (installed in) your auto, for emergency power. it already has gas in it. electric start, quiet, effecient, and portable. for larger power draws, dual batteries do the job. 5000 watt is good http://www.invertersrus.com/pwrinv500012w.html
That's ridiculous. For 5000 W you need more than 400 Amps at 12 V. (Compare that to what your car's generator produces!)
Buy a dedicated generator unit instead, if you need more than 200 W sustained. (yes, twohundred)
I never figured out the Amps, thanks.
When I put an inverter in my truck, I put a toaster on the floor of my truck before my son jumped in. He didn't see it. When the toast popped up on the way to school, I grabbed one and offered, "toast?"
I want all the comforts of modern living during the zombie apocalypse.