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(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI - Single Male and Female Category
(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI - Single Male and Female Category
By
Cognitive Dissonance
A massive cold front moved through the area where I live last night just as I was Hurricane Irene shopping. Unfortunately the rapid moving, but still very nasty, line of storms brought 60-80 MPH winds and sideways rain for 10 minutes in order to soften everyone up for Hurricane Irene’s coming beat down.
Since I was fueling my car and backup 5 gallon gas can just as hell descended I was drenched in 15 seconds flat. Abandoning any hope of hitting the grocery store for fear of being poisoned like any other large wet rat, I headed home for a change of clothes only to watch the area descend into darkness as an area wide blackout hit once again.
Oh goody. I was reminded of the joys of rural living in a kilowatt deprived area.
After changing into dry clothes and pitifully chipping away at a still frozen dinner for some meager nourishment (use it or lose it is the blackout mantra) I then moved on to clearing some of the fallen branches from the back yard until dusk finally fell. Thoroughly exhausted I collapsed into my favorite rocking chair for some deep contemplation and penetrating introspection.
Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.
Waking an hour later in pitch black and with no flashlight or candle at hand I discovered the joys of blind circumnavigation of my home. Trust me when I tell you that it is not as you remember it. The good news is that toe nails eventually grow back almost as good as new. The bad news is that there is no effective cast for a broken big toe. Suck it up CD.
Falling into bed (literally since that was where I broke my big toe) I fitfully waited until the pain subsided enough to enter dream land. Sadly, all those friendly and comforting red, blue and green power LEDs that normally surround us 24/7 were extinguished and suddenly I realized I had never really gotten over my childhood fear of the dark. All of which got me to thinking about surviving the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI).
Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.
Blessedly I was so exhausted from my tree limb clearing duties that I sleep straight through my wetting of the bed (damn prostate) and awoke at 3 AM as every light in the house suddenly flashed on. God is a cruel jokester because the wet spot was now plenty cold and it’s a new mattress to boot.
After removing the linens and digging out the wet/dry Shop Vac to salvage my pride (but not the mattress) I limped into my home office to see how the world faired during my absence. Clearly I had hired the right people because things were still just as screwed up as when I left them so I turned to writing down my thoughts on the coming end of the world.
Written from the point of view of a single male or female who has just experienced a blackout and must adjust his or her disaster planning based upon the new information just gleaned, I hope you find it useful as you contemplate your own personal Armageddon.
And just in case any of you males out there scoff at the idea of a female being equal to a male during the end times, a dear and trusted female friend of mine assures me that a well armed and pissed off female is not someone you want to mess with. We all know who really would have run Bartertown if Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) had been suitably armed and thus properly motivated.
Below please find the lessons learned from the blackout. Then turn on The Weather Channel and watch Hurricane Irene Rototill the East Coast for a primer of what’s to come.
1) Nearly everything in your house, including half the furniture, was designed with electricity as a vital function. Which means most of the home furnishings will be useless when the world comes to an end, including that La-Z-Boy heat and vibrate recliner/Jacuzzi with the built in toaster oven/microwave. Consider barter opportunities for a Guillotine before the end times.
2) Since we are all modern intelligent pampered man and women, it is clear that we will become so angry when electricity is removed from the earth forever that the vast majority of us will go postal. Consider warning select family members to stay away from you during this period of your transition. Or skip the family warning and just settle some old scores.
3) Despite spending the last four years trying to encourage your neighbors to minimally prepare for disaster, not a fracking one within a quarter mile even had a candle during the blackout and all immediately showed up on your doorstep looking for handouts. Looks like you’ll need to double your guns and supplies. Consider creating an underground supply depot off-site just in case the extended family comes to visit when the world ends. Then you can fall back, resupply and retake your house when they are sleeping. Tear gas is considered essential.
4) You finally got a chance to check out the next door neighbor’s wife or husband in low light conditions. S/he is still a fine looking potential spouse and most definitely worth trading your generator for. However, first check to see if your neighbor will take beads and trinkets for the spouse. Remember that it is a sin to over pay.
This hurricane weekend might be the chance to test the barter waters. Note to self: Make sure you have at least two generators on hand when the end comes because the traded-for spouse might not be too happy coming to your cold and dark place after you just traded your only generator away. Whatever you do, remember to keep your firearms under lock and key lest your new spouse decide to go into business for him or herself.
5) Thank God you always buy the physical book even when purchasing the Kindle version. If you survive your mass murder phase of TEOTWAWKI you will have plenty to read. Check to see if the next door neighbor’s so-to-be ex-spouse can read before consummating the trade.
6) Up to now your large supply of hand tools were used as door stops and paper weights. Now’s the time to organize them into small, medium and large door stops as well as dead weights for body disposal duties.
7) People seem to drive slower and more erratically during blackouts, even though their car works perfectly and they’re driving on the same dark country road that never had street lights to begin with. Note to self: Keep several guns in the car during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event.
8) Your entire life is stored on your electronic devices, all of which will become completely useless during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event. Make sure all data is backed up on a portable hard drive so that you can sleep with it when the end comes. This assumes your new spouse will be agreeable to the ménage-a-trois. Barter him or her away if not.
9) Begin replacing all wall to wall carpet with tile, wood and brick. Without electricity you will not be able to vacuum the carpets, making then a breeding ground for fleas, ticks and sexually transmitted disease. Make your new spouse wear a chastity belt or lockable stainless steel jock strap to prevent unintended infection. Always have a spare spouse ready to go just in case you lose the first one.
10) Immediately covert all precious metal stock shares held electronically into physical stock certificates. This will make you insanely rich when the end comes because 99.99999% of the world won't be able to prove they own anything. Barter up to a better spouse at this time.
BTW the bartering for a new spouse also works with married couples and those in long term relationships. Just understand that you might need to give someone the generator in order for them to take your spouse. And make sure your spouse isn’t making a deal to barter you away first. Know your enemy.
08-26-2011
Cognitive Dissonance
Be the good Boy Scout and be prepared.
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LOL!
While you're at it, learn to farm, fix small engines and set broken limbs. Then, when you stub your toe, you can fix it; when the generator pops a gasket, you can fix it; and when you run out of canned supplies, you can grow more.
You DID remember to buy some seeds, right?
Enjoyed your article. Someday, after all this is over, maybe I'll write one....
What do you mean, the grid goes down without coal / natural gas / nuclear? How will I write articles to ZH without juice?
Oh well, another aspiring author crushed by the cold hand of callous nature. :(
Seriously, my sister and brother-in-law just finished a course in small engine repair at the local community college. I figure they'll be some of the most popular folks in the county after the Crunch hits ... until spare parts become hard to find.
Machine shops and machine tools and raw materials, bitches!
http://www.amazon.com/Ecotechnic-Future-Envisioning-Post-Peak-World/dp/0...
awesome book on the post-peak everything cycle - guy is a 12th level druid but the book is not flaky
(duplicate submission)
(don't watch this space)
You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but I'm getting blown away.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H1JPWESillg
;-)
And here I thought I was the only one that was hooked up to Beelzebub Light & Gas Co-Op. A heavy morning dew knocks mine out...lol.
I'm hooked up to Beelzebub's spawn, Dominion Light and Power.
The bad news is I get a lights out event about once a month. The good news is that they usually don't last more than 12 hours. Sometimes I wonder if my sparesly populated county is used as a Dominion L&P training area for their company repair crews. Meaning they sabotage a line, then send in rookie crews for training.
Mine is strictly due to them not trimming back the trees.
The pattern here seems to be, wait for a hurricane to snap trees & limbs across the lines, get FEMA money, act as a conduit for said money (with appropriate carrying charges held back for themselves), hire outside contractors (usually Pike Electric) to invade my now hurricane soaked soggy property and create four inch tire ruts criss crossing my backyard that I am left to deal with through two summers of mowing.
Then the cycle repeats ;-)
The tree trimmers around here are much the same. They come in, cut stuff back 5 feet and are back out the next year or so doing it all over again. Job security. Had one tree they said was too tall to reach the top with the bucket truck and I looked at the guy and said 'Well why don't you start cutting it from the ground up?" We had a tree fall across the road and take out all the lines and it had a huge bees nest in it. The power company truck showed up and they didn't have spray, a winch, or 4x4 to get around it. It was a weekend and I asked when the tree crew would be out and they said 'Monday'. I put on a paintball helmet, a mosquito headnet, and 2 layers of clothes and went and sawed the tree up and pulled it out of the way with my own truck. We sat around laughing and drinking beers until the power came on about 2 hours later. Out here you can't depend on anyone but yourself, your friends, and then neighbors, in that order. '05 hurricanes left us without power for 7 days...that was an eye opener. I now have 3 generators, 2000 gallons of stored water, and a lot of no-cook food.
"and they said 'Monday'. I put on a paintball helmet, a mosquito headnet, and 2 layers of clothes and went and sawed the tree up and pulled it out of the way with my own truck. We sat around laughing and drinking beers until the power came on about 2 hours later. Out here you can't depend on anyone but yourself, your friends, and then neighbors, in that order."
That is exactly how it works...LOL!!!
I'm fortunate to have a tractor with a front end loader. Bought it 4-5 years ago (15K?) and I don't know how I survived without the front end loader part of that for all these years.
I use it for pushing large fallen trees off the driveway (driveway is about 800' long) and back into the woods, to season for cutting up in the fall. Have used it to bury large dead animals, move boulders around for landscaping etc. I highly recommend you look into one...they're great.
Yeah, we had four hurricanes come through back in 04 and one left us out for five days another for two or three. We have a generator as well. There was no fuel locally of course without power but I work out of town so I filled up cans there everyday on the way home for the night. Got a grill with a sideburner so thats how we cooked...and lots & lots of paper plates and Solo cups. And candles are essential. Bought a "window shaker" for the bedroom...can't stand to sweat when I sleep...lol...not the end of the world but definitely a drag.
"Yeah, we had four hurricanes come through back in 04 and one left us out for five days another for two or three."
Let me guess... The azz kicker was named Charlie... :)
It took out our power for 7 days but we have a 12kw diesel generator... finding diesel fuel became a problem after 3-4 days.
I can't really remember which one it was. But I always remember "four in 04" to remember the year they all hit. It was like one after another it seemed.
Man you got a generator! My little Honda EG3500 has feelings of inadequacy now or maybe me...lol.
Yeah, I been thinkin about the full monty, pad mounted with house disconnect. My neighbor next door has one. Fires up as soon as the power goes out and turns off when it comes back on...so far he doesn't know how envious I am of him...lol...but he's retired, he earned it.
Anything you'd recommend?...Generac?
Bought a propane powered Generac(12kw) off eBay for $1100(retail $3k) which had never even been hooked up. Now people who are being foreclosed on are selling them off. Craigslist had a 15kw with transfer switch, tank, and off-ground stand for $2.4k obo recently. I have a 6500 watt and a 2500 watt gas model for backup and general use around the property. I keep about 50 gallons of gas on hand plus 8 or so cans. A much bigger propane tank is a must but stil working on it. I have 6 20's and 2 40's and refills are just 2 miles away. If you're not in a hurry and just shop eBay and CL you'll find deals sooner or later. If you have a transfer switch wired in, make sure your backup genset has an outlet to your panel on a separate breaker or use the old dryer plug method. Just make sure it's done in advance. There's nothing like being short a proper plug and doing a half-assed wiring job that burns your house down. I know, it's good for cooking hot dogs but a roof does keep rain off...oh, here's the ad: http://tampa.craigslist.org/hil/for/2538203352.html
Hey, thanks for the advice & leads.
I was looking at the 20-25kw Generacs yesterday on their site. They have a tool there that calculates whats needed (probably calculates to the high end of course) my house is around 2000 square feet with a well. I'm pretty good at electrical behind the panel but this would be something more than I think I would be comfortable with so I'd, farm it out...the disconnect/transfer switch. I'm thinking propane as well.
I'll keep my eye out...thanks for the link krispy, I appreciate it.
Whoa, that's big! My neighbors have a 20kw and they're over 5k sf. Panels: mine has 12 circuits I wire in separately off my panel. Some units simply sit inline between you and power company and swap the entire load over. I can pull my own meter so reworking was easy. Not easy to do and you have to know what's what. Loading: Keep in mind you probably won't need the big useage items much during your average outage. A unit that's too big is going to waste fuel and if running under 50% load, will be very inefficient. I'd do some hunting around for optimums on loading and look at what you really need to power in an outage. Your power bill is the best place to start. Average your daily useage and plan for start-up amps for a/c, etc. Adding up max amps for everything in the house is a foolish way to figure running load. A house using 1500kwh a month is using just 2kw per hour. If you want every house light on when you bake bread in the electric range while cooking spaghetti and microwaving sauce as you're sitting in the hot tub watching the big screen with Zeppelin blaring on the monster stereo as the wifey takes a 20 minute steamy shower, well, then by all means...but a dollar saved today is a dollar spent on PM's tomorrow... ;)
LOL!!!...all excellent points.
I hadn't considered it running at 50% load and fuel will be scarce to unavailable after a major event. Thanks for bouncing this around...but I do like my Led ;-)
Worst thing I ever did was sell my Kubby. I cleared and excavated for the house with it but when the builder walked off and sued I sold it to a friend nearby, thinking I was leaving here. I'll get another one when my house is completed and I need to transform the landscape again. For now, the neighbors all lend me theirs when I need one. I might also pick up a used mini-excavator, that is another handy machine to have around.
Ahhh, I didn't know you'd had one before. So you were way ahead of me, I don't know how I got by without it.
As a matter of fact, I just had to drive around another one (downed tree) coming back in. Looks like a two beer evening job...lol...too damned hot right now ;-)
Don't forget the chocolate.
LOL
How could I forget? Great for barter or to entice prospective spouses into the house. I suggest you order this keyboard. When the computer dies you can eat it or keep the new spouse happy for a few more days.
Might also want to make a note to not forget the combination to the safe. Might feel like quite the fool if the whole arsenal is in there and you can't get in when the cannibals/inlaws/bankers/cops show up. Double for burying goodies, don't want to let your age show and have a senior moment and forget where the supply cache was buried, make a treasure map. that way you remember and it's fun!
"cannibals/inlaws/bankers/cops"
You left out nazis/aliens/zombies.
Son? Is that you? Dammit, I told you to use code when communicating with me.
I won't forget the safe combination because it's your birthday, which is..........you were born on..............OK, maybe I should write it down. And I did make a map to the buried goods. It's safely stored on the home office computer. :)
there's always money in the frozen banana stand
(obscure arrested development allusion)
Don't count on "writing it down".. I don't know how many list I have written to myself and then forgot were I placed the list!
when you suspect descendants in an anonymous blog read worldwide, you should allow a bit self-criticism regarding promiscuity, daddy.
I recommend renting the prospective wife first, and taking her for a test drive. caveat emptor ( I know you wrote the combination to the safe down dad, but where did you put it?) I put it with the rest of my important papers, in the safe
"I recommend renting the prospective wife first, and taking her for a test drive."
Pay the wife's husband five bucks for the rental of wife... Pay the wife five bucks to go home after rental...
Repeat as necessary...