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Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Via Michael Krieger of Liberty Blitzkrieg blog,

Advice From The Department Of Homeland Security: "If Attacked By A Shooter, Grab Some Scissors"

We first heard about this from a New York Post article on the topic.  Then we watched the video for ourselves.  It’ll make you want to defund the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) immediately.  While the whole “grab scissors” to defend oneself during a mass shooting is pretty amusing, the more disturbing part is that 90% of the video just consists of people on their knees in cubicles cowering in fear or running panicked with their hands in the air.  All the while police in black uniforms and “assault weapons” race in to save the day!  The video is a great representation of how the DHS views the citizenry.  Feeble, helpless, pathetic little children.  You’ve gotta watch it for yourself! 


 

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Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208305 Boondocker
Boondocker's picture

if you really think the cops will get there that fast, i want to lnow where you live.   even in my small town you would 2 or 3 minutes from calling 911 to a cop showing up

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:44 | 3208918 mumcard
mumcard's picture

Or the one in Arizone where the cops shot the homeowner in the back and were heard over the radio agreeing to cover it up, but then were cleared.

http://www.azcentral.com/community/phoenix/articles/2009/09/25/20090925p...

http://www.courthousenews.com/2009/09/23/Family_Says_911_Tape_Caught_Cop...

 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:54 | 3208683 PrintemDano
PrintemDano's picture

The police don't enter until the shooting stops.  The police won't risk their lives to save innocent children if there is any chance of them getting hurt.  Even if a few wanted to, the orders from on high say safety [for the police] first.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:49 | 3207938 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

See something... scissor something. 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:13 | 3208022 SilverTree
SilverTree's picture

Fucking priceless! 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:56 | 3208377 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Now if we can just get that displayed at Walmart and all the interstate information display panels.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:36 | 3207940 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Not much different, nor any more absurd, than the 1950's "Duck and Cover" public service announcements to 'protect' yourself from a nuclear bomb attack.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:53 | 3207941 Laser Shark
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:21 | 3208056 Gohn Galt
Gohn Galt's picture

scissor me timbers!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:53 | 3207944 BrianZeroHedge
BrianZeroHedge's picture

"This is 911 - what would you like us to write on your tombstone?"

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207945 sitenine
sitenine's picture

Better buy your scissors now!

I have some suspicion that Feinstein might try to classify them as assault weapons, require a background check, and possibly even ban them all together. I suspect Governor Cuomo will announce a ban for New York sometime next week.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208306 howenlink
howenlink's picture

They used to be called American Scissors, now they're called Assault Scissors, and they are NOT for hunting deer.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:59 | 3208381 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

You didn't scissor that!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:56 | 3208607 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

(but Janet did)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:52 | 3207946 alfbell
alfbell's picture

Rather than scissors which are dangerous, I'd prefer to throw donuts at a violent intruder or sociopath. Or maybe just hide under the nearest woman's skirt until the bad guy goes away.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:40 | 3208133 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

You could try applauding the guy, cheering him on, and going "niice shot" "ohhh yeah" and so on.   Get on his good side. 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:00 | 3208387 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Especially if he/she, gotta be gender neutral here, is poppin' off a few of your co-workers that you'd like to see put down.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:24 | 3208444 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

The cup is half full with Pure Evil, gotta respect that.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 08:51 | 3208881 tradewithdave
tradewithdave's picture

America runs on Dunkin'.... Americans don't run from Dunkin'.  Keep ruining all those donuts and see how much help you get from law enforcement.  See something like Hot Donuts Now... Say something like "Hot Donuts Now".  (apologies to Krispy Kreme and the TSA: Thousands Scissoring Around). 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207949 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

just call the cops and wait for them-oh wait-you'd be dead by then. last night on local Chicago news there was a story on how DHS is throwing top-notch military equipment at all of the local podunk PDs and the reporter's gripe was the taxpayer $ that was being spent on MRAPs and night vision(not that $ is not a concern) but said nothing as to WHY all of this shit is needed by Barney Fife. DHS has shut down their gun giveaway because too many were turning up missing especially w/ Chicago PD-shocking-I know.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:48 | 3208920 mumcard
mumcard's picture

It'll be stolen or lost within a few years.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207954 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

Duck and cover bitchez!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:08 | 3208001 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

As requested Dr E.  Have fun with ths site if you have never visited it before.

http://archive.org/details/DuckandC1951

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:54 | 3207955 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Fuck you Janet.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:11 | 3208240 bank guy in Brussels
bank guy in Brussels's picture

That's what Hillary says when they have a strap-on session

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:16 | 3208543 samsara
samsara's picture

That's MR. Janet to you....

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:57 | 3207956 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

Well, if someone waved a box cutter at me, I might die, but it would be from laughter - seriously folks, box cutters?  Does anybody believe that shit from 9/11?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207971 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I could believe the box cutter thing especially since US intelligence turned a convenient blind eye to all of the obvious bullshit going on.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 02:20 | 3208708 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

The FAA trained aircraft personnel to act that way in case of a hijacking, for decades.   They drilled and drilled and drilled on that.   That was of course based on non-suicidal hijackers, of which there were a lot in the news around the world up until that then, particularly in Europe.    The suicidal type of hijackers, just about uniquely islamic, were a pretty novel thing.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:57 | 3207958 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 If under attack, I'll threaten the shooter with a spitwad soaked in snot. No one wants the COOTIES...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:03 | 3207981 Seize Mars
Seize Mars's picture

I guess you only get justice if you are a Praetorian.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:43 | 3208005 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  Good post. We need moar Praetorians.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:59 | 3207962 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

"Or maybe just hide under the nearest [good looking] woman's skirt".  If I'm going to die, I want to die happy...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:00 | 3207966 Yes_Questions
Yes_Questions's picture

 

 

Just don't run with those scissors and whatever you do, DO NOT RUN OUT OF THE BUILDING WITH THEM EITHER.

 

While yelling or otherwise.

 

Big Bro.

We got this.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:21 | 3208062 Raymond K Hessel
Raymond K Hessel's picture

Since these things are happening at schools, I think you'd get left back for running for your life with scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:55 | 3208507 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

The idea is that you convince the perp to run with the scissors, thereby ensuring he injures himself.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 20:58 | 3207967 Overfed
Overfed's picture

I need a shoulder rig fer mah scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207972 NOTfromSanFrancisco
NOTfromSanFrancisco's picture

 

 

"... and remember, if no scissors are available, grab paper, as many sheets as you can. When the active shooter passes by, take the edge of the paper and drag it across his neck from behind him, preferrably across his jugular vein if possible. Severe paper cuts and confusion on the part of the active shooter may be your only way out of this terrible situation... That or a S & W 357 with jacketed hollow points... Your choice..."

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:06 | 3207996 otto skorzeny
otto skorzeny's picture

I learned how to kill a man with just a withering look when I was in the SEALS

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:02 | 3208388 XitSam
XitSam's picture

The SEALS you say, Obersturmbannführer?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:01 | 3207973 Taint Boil
Taint Boil's picture

 

 

JFC, what have we become? It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:00 | 3207974 dobermangang
dobermangang's picture

Scissors, swords or a sharp stick just not gonna cut it at a gun fight.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anEuw8F8cpE

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:39 | 3208662 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

"When scissors are outlawed, only seamstresses will have scissors".

 

(After paying $150 for a safety course and passing a suitable background check, being fingerprinted and having her medical records searched)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 03:46 | 3208744 knowless
knowless's picture

Do you realize how bizarrely likely that Is? Chefs would hide their knives and have to license each one, kept under lock and key, only someone in good standing would be allowed a kitchen knife.. Or those who work in the right house, where such rules are of course unnecessary. Metals confiscation is not limited to the precious variety. Understand a society in decay, understand what it means to go without on a grand scale with a government beholden only to those whose influence they must buy, the level of control garnered unbridled is near limitless.

I love that i sound like a lunatic and all, but i am completely serious.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:02 | 3207976 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

You mean big sis is going to let us keep pointy scissors? Are you sure those aren't assault scissors? The sheep might hurt themselves , better pass some legislation so that we can only have scissors with rounded tips.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:02 | 3207978 alfbell
alfbell's picture

FUCK HOMELAND SECURITY!

Goons for a corrupt State.

Did you hear that Utah Data Center?

FUCK YOU TOO YOU DESPICABLE TRAITORS!

 

LONG LIVE PUSSY RIOT!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:13 | 3208014 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

Pussy Riot is all CIA from what I hear.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:41 | 3208139 CompassionateFascist
CompassionateFascist's picture

Communist lesbians defacing churches. So far, synagogues exempt.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:14 | 3208540 samsara
samsara's picture

Yes

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:02 | 3207980 de3de8
de3de8's picture

Department of Homeland Absurdity.

Mon, 02/04/2013 - 09:38 | 3208164 rufusbird
rufusbird's picture

Hiliarius!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:04 | 3207985 Overfed
Overfed's picture

And who the fuck ever wanted to fund DHS in the first place? I sure as fuck didn't.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:07 | 3208000 sitenine
sitenine's picture

None of us did, now STFU and follow orders!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:11 | 3208015 Overfed
Overfed's picture

yes, master. (skulks off to hide under the desk.)

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208052 sitenine
sitenine's picture

Make sure to remain absolutely silent, but call 911 and talk to the operator with details. Yes, we are aware of the conflict in that sentence, but information we can get from you before you die is worth a hell of a lot more to us than your life. OK. Good consumer!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:36 | 3208108 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Not any more. Just dial 911 they know  where you are all the time..

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:42 | 3208129 sitenine
sitenine's picture

True that, but the video specifically instructs you, the about to die consumer, to give the operator details of the situation.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:04 | 3208401 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

And, you especially want to stand in front of the office plate glass window so that if the shooter happens to walk by he can put a slug into the back of your head.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:08 | 3207988 de3de8
de3de8's picture

DP again, stinking ipad

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:06 | 3207995 traderdwa
traderdwa's picture

Reminds me of the 'duck and cover' procedure we did many years ago in grade school in case of nuclear attack. The importance of those desks has not diminished with time. And all of our scissors had rounded points!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:07 | 3207999 vintageyz
vintageyz's picture

Oh, they should mention that needlepoint hoops are a deadly device as well.  Or, crochet needles!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:57 | 3208192 Manipuflation
Manipuflation's picture

LMAO!  One can never be too "safe" now can they?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:08 | 3208006 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

all Patriots from 1776 are spinning in their graves

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:42 | 3208666 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

Must be the 'great rotation' everyone's been talking about.........................

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:08 | 3208008 whiskey_tango_lima
whiskey_tango_lima's picture

C'mon, this isn't bad advice for people without the will or means to defend themselves...even it it did come from DHS.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:21 | 3208063 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

You can tear somebody's ass up, UP, with a soap on a roap.   Ain't banned yet either, anywhere.   So have one.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:37 | 3208583 Teamtc321
Teamtc321's picture

I've been priviledged to read some pretty fucking funny post here TBT but that rope soap, tearing ass takes the cake, lmfao.

 

Good grief.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:51 | 3208675 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Now, if I could only get a day job...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:29 | 3208086 notadouche
notadouche's picture

In other words be a lamb.  I think this is how those Lambs get Silenced.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:09 | 3208010 Gohn Galt
Gohn Galt's picture

This might explain why they would always take my scissors back in the day when I would fly peasant.

Who needs gun rights when you have scissors.  The insanity is never going to end, keep training.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:50 | 3208168 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

On 911, the best legal weapon for a passenger would have been....a pack of bacon.   Thick sliced or thin, hickory smoked, any brand.    Those retards went the extent of shaving their nads and oiling themselves up so they'd slip into heaven more easily.   Bacon strikes real fear into them.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:29 | 3208300 Gimp
Gimp's picture

The shaved "nads" story? Was that on MSN or CNN?

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:48 | 3208671 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Seriously, the islamic suicide prep involves shit like that, usually.    The 72 virgins things is right there in the sacred scripture, for jihadis dying giving it to the infidels.   But you can't be unclean, so, bacon.  QED

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 09:15 | 3208899 Just Ice
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:11 | 3208013 e_goldstein
e_goldstein's picture

If scissors are unavailable, try rock or paper.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:14 | 3208021 mendolover
mendolover's picture

FUCKING CELL PHONE!  WHERE THE HELL IS A SIGNAL WHEN I NEED IT!  Good thing I brought my Ruger to work today!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:15 | 3208026 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

No doubt there were plenty of scissors available at Columbine and Sandy Hook.  How'd that turn out, fucktards?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:08 | 3208405 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

They were the rounded end type, so no good in a shootout. Only scissors with pointed ends will allow you to emerge victorious.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:14 | 3208027 enoch_root
enoch_root's picture

ever heard the saying ....

"... like taking scissors to a gunfight."

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:14 | 3208029 zerozulu
zerozulu's picture

Ultimately citizens of the this country will be left with alternate second amendment, hide under the table and crap in your pants.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:16 | 3208030 William.M.Tweed
William.M.Tweed's picture

When law enforcement officals arrive... immediately raise your hands and... BOHICA!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:16 | 3208031 Seasmoke
Seasmoke's picture

well thats why we never see any mass killings in barber shops !

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:15 | 3208034 q99x2
q99x2's picture

If attacked by the Dept. of Homeland Security grab a shooter.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:20 | 3208046 notadouche
notadouche's picture

Don't trap yourself but hide under your desk using a waste basket and a chair to protect yourself from what I suppose must be a very wicked paint ball attack.  I heard that little video cost about 5 Million to produce and is titled Zero 9 to 5:30.  What no Jessica Chastain?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:19 | 3208050 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

Something I never thought I'd see : NYS people fighting back!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTdhVxva5KU

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:26 | 3208080 mendolover
mendolover's picture

I have a good friend up that way and he tells me people up there are PISSED OFF!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:09 | 3208533 samsara
samsara's picture

There are TWO NY States,

1. The CITY

2. Everything North of Westchester.

 

#2 ALWAYS has and ALWAYS will HATE #1.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:22 | 3208557 Bandit und Buster
Bandit und Buster's picture
PAY ATTENTION FOLKS, there is a plan here:"When the conspirators get ready to take over theUnited States they will use  fluoridated water and vaccines tochange people's attitudes and loyalties and make them docile,apathetic, unconcerned and groggy. According to their ownwritings and the means they have  already confessedly employed,the conspirators have deliberately planned and developed methodsto mentally deteriorate, morally debase, and completely enslavethe masses. They will prepare  vaccines containing drugs thatwill completely change people. Secret Communist plans forconquering America were adopted in 1914 and published in 1953.These plans called for  compulsory vaccination with vaccinescontaining change agent drugs. They also plan on using  diseasegerms, fluoridation and vaccinations to weaken the people andreduce the population."  (Impact of Science on Society, byBertrand Russell)
Sat, 02/02/2013 - 04:10 | 3208756 knowless
knowless's picture

Nearly the entire us is now fluoridated, even while nearly all us conquests after ww2, after regaining some democratic authority over their own people have chosen to forego and discontinue public water supply fluoridation. Vaccinations can greatly reduce your chance of contracting specific strains of a disease, but over vaccination, like the over use of antibiotics leads to newer more pervasive and deadly strains of viruses and bacteria, it's best to forego vaccination in many cases, but not all. A naturally built immune system is your best defense, which is wrought through exposure to people, places, and at its best the natural world. And by the way, your food is tainted, invest in yore health by choosing as close to the source as possible.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 14:48 | 3209296 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

Don't forget the dihydrogen monoxide that's been a big component of city water since the romans first put up aqueducts

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:43 | 3208339 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Let me tell ya something, NYC is not NYS. I Grew up in Kansas and rednecks in middle NYS make Kansans look like Princeton grads. They are pissed! I got cousins. They ain't giving up shit. "Cuomo the Homo" has lost 20 pts on his job performance rating in 2 weeks.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:47 | 3208347 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Awesome.

I was at the Glenview Il "forum" last week.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C44B55YYLQ

 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:55 | 3208506 lolmao500
lolmao500's picture

Those coward statists trash should have their teeth kicked in...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:59 | 3208514 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

That's why they (New Trier Democrats) moved the "forum" from the library to the police department.

They got word that we were coming.

They had the cops walk them to their cars afterwards.

Truth.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 04:14 | 3208758 knowless
knowless's picture

Jack boots for all!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 11:00 | 3208980 Svendblaaskaeg
Svendblaaskaeg's picture

+1 for hope

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:28 | 3208053 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 I can have "metal scissors in  kindergarten?   It's tough [for us adults], to get a plastic fork on an Aeroplane.

  I wonder if my "G.I. Joe" lunchbox would pass muster?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:22 | 3208059 Whatta
Whatta's picture

Why am I hearing the Stones in my head...

Oh, a storm is threat'ning
My very life today
If I don't get some shelter
Oh yeah, I'm gonna fade away

War, children, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away
War, children, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away

Ooh, see the fire is sweepin'
Our very street today
Burns like a red coal carpet
Mad bull lost its way

War, children, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away
War, children, it's just a shot away
It's just a shot away

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:38 | 3208115 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Rape, Murder!

It's just a shot away

Rape, Murder!

It's just a shot away

It's just a shot away

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:07 | 3208530 samsara
samsara's picture

Mary Clayton...  Great Verse

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:17 | 3208261 blindman
blindman's picture

The Rolling Stones - Street Fighting Man
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUO8ScYVeDo

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208082 nonclaim
nonclaim's picture

Scissors ... how about a *bayonet*?

Makes a rifle a lot more useful when bullets are running low.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:27 | 3208083 dobermangang
dobermangang's picture

Using scissors against a well-armed, mass shooter.  Hmmmm. 

Are we trying to get the killer to laugh himself to death?

 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:31 | 3208092 reTARD
reTARD's picture

I recommend you do a "rock, paper, scissors" face-off with the active shooter.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:14 | 3208420 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Now, that's going full-reTARD!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 04:24 | 3208765 knowless
knowless's picture

Misrepresenting different modes of cognizance deters society from recognizing significant potential . I still think it's insane that i can't just fucking insult someone if i want. And retarded, is a legitimate and long used root, no worse than dumb, or stupid. If you want to destigmatize, then work on more properly defining and assisting individuals who fall outside the "normal" spectrum of or society, on your time. They will prove their worth.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 13:04 | 3209124 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Dude, are you retarded?

Effects of retarded thinking: In a situation where the post of another post is retarded too far, namely knowless, the poster fails to percieve the joke stemming from a previous poster avatar name, reTARD, along with the combination of previous ZH posts, see link: FULL RETARD, allowing it insufficient time to burn cognitively in the brain. This causes a loss of sense of humor and poor understanding of the human condition. Hesitation and backfiring will accompany the loss of comprehension causing the brain to foul while becoming a FULL LIBTARD which results in leaving pussy assed comments in the ZH blog-o-sphere.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:31 | 3208093 blindman
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:31 | 3208096 reTARD
reTARD's picture

Oh... if you have an iPhone or an iPad, throw it at the active shooter. See, more useful than gold. LOL

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:39 | 3208107 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Uncle Janet loves scissors.

The haircut is a tell.

Also, DHS employees will make for great human shields.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:38 | 3208334 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Uncle Janet....FUCKING L O L.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:38 | 3208112 Hotmustard
Hotmustard's picture

They should warn you NOT to run with Scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:39 | 3208118 Monedas
Monedas's picture

The deadliest scissors are the female kind .... two well turned legs .... hinged at the pussy .... cut your balls off !

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:30 | 3208422 Pure Evil
Pure Evil's picture

Not only that, but those deadly scissors will empty your wallet. And, the closer you get to the hinge the more the money falls out.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:41 | 3208126 hannah
hannah's picture

i killed a guy on alpha centuri VI with a tea cup....and a sugar spoon.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:45 | 3208145 s2man
s2man's picture

I knew there would be lots of good comments on this one...

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:43 | 3208147 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Jeez how about wrist rocket and a high capacity pouch full of ball bearings.

 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:32 | 3208311 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

DoChen's got you covered.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:05 | 3208525 samsara
samsara's picture

And a M80 or two in between the bearings....

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:56 | 3208684 ZeroAvatar
ZeroAvatar's picture

They forgot to outlaw firecrackers in Egypt, so, wouldn't you know it, the damned protestors have started using them!

 

(Rocks and laser beams are readily available, as well)

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 20:33 | 3209963 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Heh.  When I was a kid we used to fire cherry bombs with our slingshots.  M-80 ballistics aren't so good.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:45 | 3208150 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

SHIT! all i got is a safety scissors!  I think i'll staple the fucker.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:47 | 3208155 847328_3527
847328_3527's picture

"Run like hell" is better advice.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:19 | 3208265 Whatta
Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:48 | 3208160 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Fucking scissors........What no one is saying, and it's so blatantly obvious that you should all be ashamed, is there is absolutely no need for scissors, or guns, or knitting needles, or even hiding under desks if you simply TAKE THE FUCKING TIME to understand the aggressor. Get to know him a bit, sympathize with his situation, try giving him a hug........Who doesn't fucking like hugs?? Everyone just jumps to conclusions and gets all paranoid when a 300lb scary looking dude kicks the fucking door to the office down and starts screaming and waiving a gun around.......

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:35 | 3208325 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

DHS next video will be "Stop a Mugging by Hugging".

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:44 | 3208591 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

The shit is flying fast and furious on this thread.

Good times!

 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:01 | 3208620 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

As a guy who did a stint in comedy, this thread is gold.

 

 

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:49 | 3208672 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

Yep.

 I was a "kid in the hall" during "Consumer Economics" class.

It only took one question to light the fire.

"Why isn't it called producer economics?"

 

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:52 | 3208167 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Has anyone ever seen a 100 round magazine for an AR15 (semi-automatic) .... that "Piers of Shit" Morgan keeps implying every one has one ?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:09 | 3208231 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Google C-mags; and yeah, I've seen them.......in my AR even.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:57 | 3208612 OldTrooper
OldTrooper's picture

Sure, I've seen them and used them.  They're typically heavy and don't work worth a damn, not to mention hellishly expensive.  Major feeding issues.  I'd rather have three 30 round mags.  That's the way of many extended magazines.  They sound/look scary until you actually try and use the damn things.

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:53 | 3208678 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

They're called CLIPS, and they're MAGIC.   Don't you watch TV man?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:59 | 3208172 notadouche
notadouche's picture

I predict sometime in the next few weeks there will be an "active shooter situation" and  CNN will report about the "hero" that managed to difuse the situation by using a sharp object, perhaps a pair of scissors.

DHS is giving advice that is contrary to conventional wisdom for many years. something to do with not bringing a knife to a gun fight".  Really, a pair of scissors?  Scissors never beat gun, not even a fucking musket.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:34 | 3208315 IridiumRebel
IridiumRebel's picture

Like the off duty cop in Atlanta yesterday?....oh wait that was a gun and not scissors.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:53 | 3208178 Lord Drek
Lord Drek's picture

Department for Helpless Sheeple.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:33 | 3208310 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Dead people Holding Scissors........

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 23:25 | 3208445 token
token's picture

+1 trillion.  Best comment yet!  I have tears coming out of my eyes over that one!

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 00:36 | 3208578 The Gooch
The Gooch's picture

That was good.

Very good.

Passing it on.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:55 | 3208180 PUD
PUD's picture

Be like Billy and Jane! When you see the nuclear flash..."duck and cover"...sing it with me...

Sat, 02/02/2013 - 01:55 | 3208681 TBT or not TBT
TBT or not TBT's picture

If you put on that zinc oxide paste really thick, that'll give you a few extra milliseconds to get behind something.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:56 | 3208182 Monedas
Monedas's picture

An RIP uncle of mine .... who was in the navy .... said the hookers in Panama city .... kept long hat pins .... in their coiffures .... to poke eyes with ?

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 21:55 | 3208185 Max Power
Max Power's picture

I'd call for pizza delivery. All that fighting off terrorist with sissors would make me hungry.

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:00 | 3208198 blindman
blindman's picture

Grateful Dead - U.S. Blues (Studio Version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdPOAhBp2Ag
.
".. wave that flag, wave it wide and high ..
summer time done come and gone my oh my .." r.h.
.
oh, but terrorism is quite the economic stimulator !
it must be all good in summerland vile.
.
Terrorism as economic stimulus for US
Posted on February 1, 2013 by stacyherbert
http://maxkeiser.com/2013/02/01/terrorism-as-economic-stimulus-for-us/
.
brought to you and yours by the sick and the dimmest
designing the future as if there were no tomorrow or
knowledge of yesterday, begging you to stay on the same
page of their comic horror script. living with/among/under psychopaths
does not get easier, it gets harder as time goes on. no/?
anyway....

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:00 | 3208205 strangeglove
strangeglove's picture

Muppet Skool!

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:04 | 3208220 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

In moments of self-defense, my favorite weapon is a cherry bomb...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icCM3MvlXks

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:08 | 3208230 notadouche
notadouche's picture

Isn't it ironic that the generation that stuck flowers in the rifles of "the man" and rioted against the authority protesting Vietnam and the tyranny of government is now leading the charge in giving the "man" all the power and weaponry and supporting government abuse of power and tearing apart the very civil rights they worked so hard for in the first place?   

Fri, 02/01/2013 - 22:09 | 3208232 enoch_root
enoch_root's picture

New rules ...

... rock, paper, scissors, AK-47 ...

sorry you lose.

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