The Pope Quits: Now What?

Tyler Durden's picture

While Dan Brown fans are intimately familiar with the details of Conclave, there are those who have not studied Robert Langdon's every clue-busting eureka moment under a microscope. For them, the AP has this handy step-by-step guide for how a new pope is chosen. Traditionally, this flowchart if followed upon the death of the Pontiff, but following today's first papal resignation since 1415, it is time to apply a little of the "New Normal" to the Catholic church as well. The only unknown after reading the below flowchart should be how Diebold will rig the Cardinal vote so that a Goldman partner is elected.

From AP:

Electing a pope: conclave, oath, chimney smoke


Pope Benedict XVI's resignation sets in motion a complex sequence of events to elect the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church. The laws governing the selection are the same as those in force after a papal death. Here is the procedure:


— The Vatican summons a conclave of cardinals that must begin 15-20 days after Benedict's Feb. 28 resignation.


— Cardinals eligible to vote — those under age 80 — are sequestered within Vatican City and take an oath of secrecy.


— Any baptized Roman Catholic male is eligible for election as pope, but only cardinals have been selected since 1378.


— Two ballots held each morning and two each afternoon in the Sistine Chapel. A two-thirds majority is required. Benedict in 2007 reverted back to this two-thirds majority rule, reversing a 1996 decision by Pope John Paul II, who had decreed that a simple majority could be invoked after about 12 days of inconclusive voting.


— Ballots are burned after each round. Black smoke means no decision; white smoke signals that cardinals have chosen pope and he has accepted. Bells also signal the election of a pope to help avoid possible confusion over color of smoke coming from chimney of the Sistine Chapel.


— The new pope is introduced from the loggia overlooking St. Peter's Square with the words "Habemus Papam!" (Latin for "We have a pope!") and he imparts his first blessing.

* * *

Perhaps most surprisingly, in the Paddy Power Pope Prediction list which has already been compiled for the degenerate gamblers out there, we have yet to find a former Goldmanite in the list of likely successors. What is certainly ironic, and shows the transcendence of Hopium in the New Normal, is that Paddy Power gives the odds of Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini becoming pope at 200/1. Only problem: Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini is dead.

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ZeroAvatar's picture

Speaking of age-related mental illness, Pelosi and Feinstink are  about due for evaluations.

eaglerock's picture

I'll go with Cardinal Francis Arinze at 7-2.  He generally plays well at Vatican away games and matches up well against the cardinal defense. 

mickeyman's picture

Why don't they go for a Mome this time?

Paul Bogdanich's picture

"Perhaps most surprisingly, in the Paddy Power Pope Prediction list which has already been compiled for the degenerate gamblers out there, we have yet to find a former Goldmanite in the list of likely successors."

A left handed way of saying that even for Goldman Sachs getting a non-Catholic, or a person who behaves as one, elected Pope is a bridge too far.


DeadFred's picture

Historically speaking someone who behaves as a non--Catholic has almost been a prerequisite.  I have a fair bit of respect for Catholics but as with some other systems meant to remove the less savory aspects of life, the stuff that rises to the top is not always the best.

Herdee's picture

And the Vatican will give back all the stolen gold looted from native tribes...

otto skorzeny's picture

as soon as you turn over the little patch of land that your cardboard box occupies to the natives

skydrake's picture

Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini (150/1) is dead

AngryGerman's picture

doesn't matter, they are quite good in the resurrection business...

Quinvarius's picture

I don't see Obama or Hillary on that list.

AngryGerman's picture

you must be male to be obama does not have a chance...but hilldog might

bank guy in Brussels's picture

Former UK prime minister Tony Blair, he converted to being Roman Catholic after leaving office, and he has worked for the major banks 'consulting' for millions

He is thus 'qualified' ... And Blair is said to like young boys too ...

Blair was visiting the US White House when Bush had the gay prostitute 'MilitaryStud' Gannon - Guckert visiting late

And then there was when Blair and George Bush had their joking talk about going to the 'Gay Bar' ...

fuu's picture

Off to Disney Land?

Kaiser Sousa's picture

man can we ditch the pope poop...

the catholic church's history is dirtier than Pig Pen....

fuck the mother fucking Pope, man.....

Super Broccoli's picture

you're right ! it's about time we know if he poops in the woods !

Commander Cody's picture

Bono at 1000/1?  Maybe I'll take it.  What with all other kinds of crap going down, who knows?

mick_richfield's picture

Bono the singer?

I thought he died in a skiing accident some years ago.

gmcniff's picture

Benedict is a very holy man who has made a very tough decision.  If only our politicans took note of how to put the greater good above themselves.  

otto skorzeny's picture

good to see not everyone on this site is a heathen soddomite

Banksters's picture

You know why they call it the holey bible don't you?



dick cheneys ghost's picture

cause 'fuck you' was already taken?

bank guy in Brussels's picture

The Bible is a very difficult book

Many beautiful things in it ... and some horrifyingly ugly things

The worst being the genocides supposedly 'ordered by God' ... with God supposedly 'ordering' the Jews to kill men, women, children, babies and animals ... Ordered to leave nothing left alive breathing in their massacres in Palestine, supposedly according to the God of Israel

And those Bible passages now helping crazy Israelis to justify murdering Palestinians today

Those passages are tough to explain away ... for those of us who believe in God and like the anarchist Jew Jesus, it is a persistent difficult question, re identifying at all with the Judaeo-Christian tradition

Maybe the ancient Israelites got it very wrong, and told false stories about God, to cover their past crimes of murdering children

Bible books of Numbers, Deuteronomy, Joshua and Judges

As for example discussed here:

Raymond Reason's picture

It is tough to understand, and that is why most must take it on faith.  But for those who must have rational explanations, they are there, but they are not presented on a silver platter. 

LFMayor's picture

yeah, holy man.  Waffen SS member, too.  Oh, yeah, he did that when he was young, it was just a youth organization, you know, camping out, things like that.

Seb's picture

You are confusing Hitlerjugend with Waffen SS.

Super Broccoli's picture

hey i'm looking for a new high payed job under the sun, can i apply to this ? where do i send my resume ? ?

shovelhead's picture

Bono 1000/1?

Just as well.

I'd hate to see him sing 'Il Nomine Patre' instead of 'In the Name of Love'.

But the tinted glasses would be very Fr. Guido Sarducci.


Dominic Go Friskem.

lizzy36's picture

The French Cardinal Cardinal ftmfw ;)

Coming from Quebec he will make a perfect EURO.

shovelhead's picture

And you will be able to smoke in Church again.

bank guy in Brussels's picture

From the US dissident and now EU citizen, who barely escaped alive out of the US ... all his websites blocked from Google search

Americans Murdering Their Judges, and the US Crisis of Judicial Corruption

Live Photo: Google Inc. Caught Censoring EU Search Results on US court corruption (for USA - CIA)
Google Internet Censorship - Censure d'Internet par Google - Internet censuur door Google

Bandit und Buster's picture

Bank guy,

Thanks for that link!  Have experienced this first hand!  Too Few realize the truth of this article!

derek_vineyard's picture

isnt it time for a gay female of color pope?

Anglo Hondo's picture

As in "I've seen God, and She's Black!"


are we there yet's picture

So does she have big boobs and is she hot? Hotter than Athena? I love double D broads that are goddesses. / male Oink Ouik off

supermaxedout's picture

good point. Under normal circumstances a colored pope from South America or Africa would be logical. But now the church is under extreme pressure from many sides. So it is going to be an Italian. A pope one has to count in. A tough, highly political pope ready to take the gloves off.

TrumpXVI's picture

Okay, so the next Pope will be former Goldman Sachs.  This is starting to make more and more sense.  According to the prophesies of St. Malachy, the next Pope will be the last one and a very special Pope.  He'll be the Pope who ushers in the end of the Catholic Church and the End Times.

This shit just keeps getting better and better. 

Sudden Debt's picture


The Gold Theory's picture

According to the prophecy of the Popes the next Pope will be the final pope; "Peter the Roman, who will nourish the sheep in many tribulations; when they are finished, the city of seven hills will be destroyed, and the dreadful judge will judge his people. The end."

Jonas Parker's picture

According to prophecy, and also predicted by Pope John Paul II, the next pope will be in league with the anti-christ.

ugmug's picture

The Vatican will now be able to select Barack Obama as the next Pope since he was so worthy of his Nobel Prize.

Obama's first directive as Pope will be to construct the first ever Pope Golf Cartmobile.....

Anglo Hondo's picture

The Cardinals should just choose someone who is already "Doing God's Work".


Job done.


gwar5's picture

I still remember the Pope who got white smoke around 1980 and dropped after a month, like the USSR guy around the same time.


Pope Benedict was a place holder after John Paul, can't believe there's no front runners or good candidates in the time they've had to think about this. When you pick  75 year old Popes you better have a deep bench.


 A Goldman Sachs alum as the new Pope would sure help quiet the masses.




optimator's picture

Um, I don't think he'll be from Goldman, I can't think of anyone influential at Goldman that can meet the #1 qualification requirement.

jmcadg's picture

'Paddy Power gives the odds of Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini becoming pope at 200/1. Only problem: Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini is dead.'

He's now 150/1. Has he risen from the grave?

Falconsixone's picture

He should have given away all the gold first and spilled all the lies in detail.

My Days Are Getting Fewer's picture

The Pope quites on the eve of the G-20 Currency War conference.  An Austrialian newspaper stated that the Pope was a horrible administrator.

The butler steals confidential papers and gives them to a journalist, claiming at trial, that the Pope was uninformed and needed to have this bad stuff brought to his attention.  The Butler was convicted and then pardoned by the Pope.

Popes just don't un-Pope themselves for without a very compelling reason. Old age or infirmity beset many a Pope in the last 600 years - they all toughed it out until the grave.

Perhaps some Vatican gold has gone missing?

IridiumRebel's picture

They get a new Pope and we continue to not give a article.