The Pope Quits: Now What?

Tyler Durden's picture


While Dan Brown fans are intimately familiar with the details of Conclave, there are those who have not studied Robert Langdon's every clue-busting eureka moment under a microscope. For them, the AP has this handy step-by-step guide for how a new pope is chosen. Traditionally, this flowchart if followed upon the death of the Pontiff, but following today's first papal resignation since 1415, it is time to apply a little of the "New Normal" to the Catholic church as well. The only unknown after reading the below flowchart should be how Diebold will rig the Cardinal vote so that a Goldman partner is elected.

From AP:

Electing a pope: conclave, oath, chimney smoke


Pope Benedict XVI's resignation sets in motion a complex sequence of events to elect the next leader of the Roman Catholic Church. The laws governing the selection are the same as those in force after a papal death. Here is the procedure:


— The Vatican summons a conclave of cardinals that must begin 15-20 days after Benedict's Feb. 28 resignation.


— Cardinals eligible to vote — those under age 80 — are sequestered within Vatican City and take an oath of secrecy.


— Any baptized Roman Catholic male is eligible for election as pope, but only cardinals have been selected since 1378.


— Two ballots held each morning and two each afternoon in the Sistine Chapel. A two-thirds majority is required. Benedict in 2007 reverted back to this two-thirds majority rule, reversing a 1996 decision by Pope John Paul II, who had decreed that a simple majority could be invoked after about 12 days of inconclusive voting.


— Ballots are burned after each round. Black smoke means no decision; white smoke signals that cardinals have chosen pope and he has accepted. Bells also signal the election of a pope to help avoid possible confusion over color of smoke coming from chimney of the Sistine Chapel.


— The new pope is introduced from the loggia overlooking St. Peter's Square with the words "Habemus Papam!" (Latin for "We have a pope!") and he imparts his first blessing.

* * *

Perhaps most surprisingly, in the Paddy Power Pope Prediction list which has already been compiled for the degenerate gamblers out there, we have yet to find a former Goldmanite in the list of likely successors. What is certainly ironic, and shows the transcendence of Hopium in the New Normal, is that Paddy Power gives the odds of Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini becoming pope at 200/1. Only problem: Cardinal Carlo Maria Martini is dead.

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Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:06 | 3233465 Haole
Haole's picture

Catholicism is a scourge and a disease.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 17:47 | 3234803 tickhound
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Religion creates an unnatural barrier within any natural human thought experiment.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:06 | 3233466 Frank N. Beans
Frank N. Beans's picture

the pope says, "iQuit"


Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:06 | 3233468 Meatballs
Meatballs's picture

With regard to the headline question, frankly, who cares?

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:08 | 3233480 Central Wanker
Central Wanker's picture

Habemus Goldman, bitchez!

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:09 | 3233490 americanspirit
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I remember several stories here on ZH and elsewhere that the Vatican is heavily involved in the bank scandals in Italy. How deeply and in what ways - who knows. But I think Pope Rat is getting off the sinking ship.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:10 | 3233491 spanish inquisition
spanish inquisition's picture

I am going to go with an African. I am sure the SW franchise would spend a few mil on the Pope naming rights

Go after the Star Wars crowd and name him Lando II. It would fit on a lot of levels, both him and his namesake are black and it would be a traditional name. Re release all of the SW episodes, pure marketing genius.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:11 | 3233497 Falconsixone
Falconsixone's picture

Which one look the most like darth vaders anal probing dark saber force thusting maul extraordinaire?

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:14 | 3233518 optimator
optimator's picture

Guys from ZH visit the vatican.


Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:37 | 3233624 CitizenPete
CitizenPete's picture

it's so stupid, that it's funny

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:57 | 3233522 earleflorida
earleflorida's picture

let's go the obama way?,... it's a great time to rectify history's sad past and eliminate the color-fast barrier, once and for all-- now... would be the time to go-long AfricanBlack...???

Plea's, take serious note... the christian church was founded on the teachings of Jesus Christ, whom never wrote anything, his apostles preached the word that was the great and holy word for those that had ears to listen. 

Paul, whom the rewritten bible spends most time on was never in Jesus presence, nor was he even alive when Jesus preached. It wasn't until ~ three-hundred years later that selected? scriptures made it to the masses... used by a demonic Roman Emperor to save Rome from a crushing an most surely self-immolating destruction civil-war-- eventually having Rome succumb unto ashes! Not to mention that the reasoning was mostly in the 99.9% range to save his own hedonistic satanic, ass,... Constantine the Great, The Charlatan, The Coward!

The christian's would fight for his cause as he had made Christianity worthy of the Roman Empire. Without the Christian's, Constantine and the Roman Empire would have met their doom quite soon!!!

He appointed all the phony, money hungry, power hungry, hypocritical popes that have reigned over the Catholic Church since... having made a mockery of the 'True word of Jesus  Christ"!!!

take my words to heart...


thankyou Tyler

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:19 | 3233543 Banksters
Banksters's picture

A Priest, Pedophile and Con-artist walk into a bar...

He orders a drink...

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:22 | 3233565 Mad Mohel
Mad Mohel's picture

Now what? All the deaf, blind, big-tittied girls of Rome no longer have to be snuck in to visit good old Joey Ratz.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:23 | 3233568 Zymurguy
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I have no fucks to give...

Gas prices are climbing through the roof... that's news.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:26 | 3233584 TalkToLind
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The smoke signal from the chimney is by far the stupidest gimmick I've seen.  His last official act should be to get rid of that tired bit.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:50 | 3233878 Vooter
Vooter's picture

The smoke thing would be fine if they put the pope in the oven and let THAT make the smoke...

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:33 | 3233608 CitizenPete
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They have been "blowing smoke" since the Romans. 

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:42 | 3233613 Kastorsky
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Now we are fucked.

This was the last pope in the Prophecy of Popes.

Unless he was Mayan - then it's a joke.


Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:46 | 3233631 CitizenPete
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Bullish Pizzas, find the Pope...  bitties

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:39 | 3233632 Jab Cross Hook
Jab Cross Hook's picture

Getting out before hard evidence of extraterrestrial life drops -- and invalidates all Earthly religions?

Tue, 02/12/2013 - 01:01 | 3235828 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Hmm, makes just as much sense as a lot of stuff I've read in the past year...

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:44 | 3233637 conspicio
conspicio's picture

Let the Catholic bashing begin! 60 non-stop days of fuck you up-yours and anti religious bigotry! wooo-hooo! Publish cartoons of him bending over, make implied jokes and tear everyone around you that is Catholic a new ass! After all, fuck them!

Meanwhile, back in the real world, your child is more likely to be molested by a unionized public school teacher than any priest, and most Catholic bashers are scared shitless of offending Muslims.

So, as I said, let the Catholic bashing begin because we are not in the real world and hey, Catholics aren't going to blow up your fucking building, chop off a few journalist's heads, or swear to destroy a fucking country in the middle east to make their point. Go ahead, push 'em over. Again! More abuse for the weak! Jeezuz fucking keyrist we live in a sick world.

And yet the train accelerates unbidden to the next moment of navel gazing. All aboard...

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:47 | 3233867 Vooter
Vooter's picture

"Let the Catholic bashing begin! 60 non-stop days of fuck you up-yours and anti religious bigotry! wooo-hooo! Publish cartoons of him bending over, make implied jokes and tear everyone around you that is Catholic a new ass! After all, fuck them!"

Well, if you weren't a superstitious monkey, you wouldn't have to worry about these things!

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 14:26 | 3234011 Colonial Intent
Colonial Intent's picture


Tue, 02/12/2013 - 01:02 | 3235831 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

So, you're a Pastafarian?

Tue, 02/12/2013 - 02:49 | 3235948 matrix2012
matrix2012's picture

The muslim and all the jihadists can only yell yell in pathetic and futile ways, they may be crying out loudly with all the obvious deadly threats...BUT THEY ARE ALL POWERLESS, and at best they are under control, just look at the Haus of Saud and those theocratic monarchies ruled by the installed puppet bloodthirsty Caliphates and Al-C.I.A-DA terruriz...

On the contrary, the Black Pope Worldly Kingdom is in a deafening silence.... they have less words but are maintaining the omnipotent and omnipresent faithful and dreadful armies and drones and zombies to execute their very wishes... diabolically dreadful power!!!

ps. One should not deny all the good things being accomplished by the many worshiping fraters and nuns in many places in the past and at present. What we all should care, pay close attention and be afraid are those on the top of the power structure in Vatican, esp. the corps of the Jesuit Order!

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:41 | 3233639 mantrid
mantrid's picture

in the age of technical governments, it's time for technical Pope

but this one contrary to others will at least be elected.. wait, no, he's elected by the unelected too

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:43 | 3233649 SRVDisciple
SRVDisciple's picture

If the pope can resign because he can't in good conscience perform his duties why can't Obama? 

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:50 | 3233667 Kastorsky
Kastorsky's picture

don't kid yourselfs - the next pope will be from golman sax

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:53 | 3233681 PUD
PUD's picture

If anyone made a study of the "church" you would sooner be a neo nazi than a catholic. Their entire history is full to the brim with criminal activity, genocide, sexual impropriety, money laundering, murder, conquest, witch trials, suppression of science, superstition, propaganda, lies to children, rape of children, book burning, racism etc etc. It is one of the most vile institutions to have ever existed on the face of the earth. 

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 14:10 | 3233750 medium giraffe
medium giraffe's picture

The Catholic Church actually helped some of the original Nazis escape Germany.

"You would sooner be a Neo-Nazi". If you are a commited participant in any of the modern Western 'democratic' frameworks you are already a fully paid up fascist regime supporter, no?


Mon, 02/11/2013 - 16:20 | 3234509 Uskatex
Uskatex's picture

The Catholic Church also helped many thousands of Jews to escape from Nazis.

I had an aunt who was nun in Rome during the war, and in her convent they concealed hundreds of Jews, and this happened in almost all convents in Rome (that you can bet were very many...).

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 14:26 | 3234012 squexx
squexx's picture

Not nearly as bad as the record of the Satanic Tribe!

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 14:37 | 3234047 medium giraffe
medium giraffe's picture

No doubt they'll be jumping with joy at the thought of Pope number 112.

I really hope the world doesn't turn out to be an episode of Supernatural, that would be such a disappointment.  I hate lazy obvious plot lines.....

Tue, 02/12/2013 - 01:04 | 3235841 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

My favorite was the Pope that turned out to be a female (a pregnant one at that!) :>D

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 12:55 | 3233682 Pseudo Anonym
Pseudo Anonym's picture

sadly funny

how Diebold will rig the Cardinal vote so that a Goldman partner is elected.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:01 | 3233708 Gimleteye
Gimleteye's picture

Obama has no conscience--also, glad he is not Catholic--I think, he might issue an EO, would be the perfect combo, God of America then of Earth

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 18:07 | 3234855 DoneThis2Long
DoneThis2Long's picture

nor is he an American Citizen by birth, yet it did not stop him from claiming it, and his merry crooks gang from allowing him to 'front-run' the presidency, and all the eternal perks!!!

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:08 | 3233728 ugmug
ugmug's picture

The headline should read.....


First Pope To Recieve Pension Benefits - Paid Out In Gold Indulgences

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 16:50 | 3234614 DoneThis2Long
DoneThis2Long's picture

Do you mena he gets a Golden Parachute?

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:10 | 3233739 Alpacanio
Alpacanio's picture

What's the going odds in Vegas for the next Pope? 


Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:35 | 3233825 francis_sawyer
francis_sawyer's picture

Sheldon Adelson is 4-5...

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 14:20 | 3233992 squexx
squexx's picture

Cardinal Peter Turkson is 1 : 2 to win.

Funny how St. Malachy says Pope 112 is the last Pope and is known as "Peter the Roman." The Pope (number 111) quits on 11 Feb (11/2) in favor of Pope number 112.

Tue, 02/12/2013 - 14:02 | 3235918 matrix2012
matrix2012's picture

If it does happen so, we all are better to get ready to embrace the end, it may not be just another Mayan hoax! Scary...scary...indeed scary

Here's an excerpt from Eric Jon Phelps interview by Rick Martin from the May 2000 issue of The SPECTRUM Newspaper:

Martin: Let’s talk about Elizabeth II.

Phelps: Elizabeth II is a wicked, evil queen. She is the head of the Knights of Malta in England. She curtsies to the Lord Mayor in Old London, and she goes and visits the Jesuits of Stonyhurst and kisses their derrières. She has complete allegiance to the Jesuits of Stonyhurst, and will do anything they tell her to do, or they’ll get rid of her just like they got rid of all the rest of the monarchs in Europe.

Martin: So you see her as a pawn.

Phelps: She’s just a pawn, sure. She’s nothing. Remember, White men rule the world. Evil, White, sodomite, homosexual men rule the world, and these are the High Jesuits, with their High Knights of Malta and High Freemasons, they rule. And these women who are involved are just pawns in their game, like the queen, the queen of Holland, just to give the appearance that these nations have a sovereign monarch, when in fact, they’re just tools.

England has done some awful, terrible things, but all of the things that they have done increase and benefit the Jesuit Order. They never resisted Napoleon III. Napoleon III was a fanatical Roman Catholic Freemason, subject to the Jesuits, who was the King of France for 18 years, second Empire. England never resisted him. They fought with him in the Crimean War. And Napoleon III dedicated all of his ships to the Virgin Mary. England has been on the side of the Jesuits since 1815, no later. So, that means that the British Secret Service is totally working for Rome, all throughout the 1800s.

Martin: How did the Jesuits regain control of the Vatican in 1814?

Phelps: Remember that they were in control of Napoleon. A Jesuit by the name of Abbie Sieyes—you can find him, again, in Ridpath’s History Of The World—Abbie Sieyes was a Jesuit-trained individual, and I believe he was a Jesuit. He was on the Directory, and he was also on the Consulate; he was the second counsel. Napoleon was the first; he was the second. He was the advisor and director of Napoleon. Abbie Sieyes, being the Jesuit that he was, ordered Napoleon to imprison the Pope for 5 years, and he did! So, the Pope was in prison for 5 years until 1814, when he restored the Jesuit Order. The Pope, prior to that, was killed. They brought him over the mountains of the Alps, and he died through that debacle.

The Jesuits thoroughly humiliated the papacy. They used their French soldiers to overturn St. Peter’s chair, and they found, written in Arabic: "There is no other God but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet." And THAT is what is under St. Peter’s chair today. That was stolen from some kalif during the Crusades.

So, they completely intimidated the Pope and showed their power. The Pope then restored them with a Papal Bull, calling upon the vengeance of the Apostles Peter and Paul, blah, blah, blah, for anyone who would ever suppress the Jesuit Order ever again. When the Jesuits were "reinstalled" in all their power, that’s when they were in control of the Pope, and from then on they have been.

Any Pope who resists them gets punished or murdered. And all the Popes know it. When Pius IX wanted a liberal constitution for the Italian people in 1849, all of the Italians were delighted. Here is a liberal Pope; he’s going to give us constitutional rights; we’re going to have a constitution.

The Jesuits raised up a revolution with Garibaldi and their Freemasons, and drove Pius IX from his throne. He had to stay in Gaeta for about a year. When he returned to Rome, under the protection of Napoleon III’s French army—actually, it was the republic’s army that would later be his "army of the empire"—but they returned with a French army, protecting the Pope, he became the most fanatical absolutist, pursuant to the wishes of the Jesuits.

So, Piux IX was punished. But the Popes who don’t obey, like, what was it, In God’s Name, the Pope who was murdered after 33 days, when he didn’t go along with the Jesuit Order, they ended his life.

[Editor’s note: Eric is here referring to the very well researched and deeply insightful 1984 Bantam Books gem (that’s very hard to find, for "some" reason!) by David A. Yallop, called In God’s Name, which details the author’s thorough investigation into the murder of Pope John Paul I the night of September 28-29, 1978 after John Paul had been digging into the massive web of corruption surrounding the Vatican Bank. For all of you who look for clues, note well the choosing of day 33 since his election for the execution of the murder.]

When you steal from the Vatican, like the Cardinal did at the PII Lodge, they killed him (Kalvi), and they hanged the other guy, beginning with the admiralty jurisdiction, at their first bridge of the sea. So they have their assassins everywhere to carry out orders. They are machines. They are the perfect "Manchurian Candidates" and they will kill popes, cardinals, presidents, kings, and kaisers, to maintain Jesuit power. They are utterly ruthless—just like they said they would be in the Protocols: "We are merciless."

LOOK FOR AND READ FURTHER AT "A Woman Rides the Beast"  the whore of Baylon

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:45 | 3233860 Vooter
Vooter's picture

"The Pope Quits: Now What?"

Ummmm...we laugh as he slowly dies?

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 16:49 | 3234611 DoneThis2Long
DoneThis2Long's picture

"Ummmm...we laugh as he slowly dies?"

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:49 | 3233868 piceridu
piceridu's picture

I heard that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have both tendered their resignations. Santa Claus claims that he will be applying for SSD because he can no longer reach down to buckle his boots past his 64 inch waist and as for the Easter Bunny, he states it's time for Hop & Change.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 14:53 | 3234129 FubarNation
FubarNation's picture

We can make fun of the Pope and Catholholics but the reality is that the Church is a poweful force in the world. 

Fucking with it is not a good idea IMO. 

I have a feeling that it will die a slow death and if so it would be best to let it without intervention.

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 16:27 | 3234533 DoneThis2Long
DoneThis2Long's picture

"as for the Easter Bunny, he states it's time for Hop & Change"

I heard he - along with many others - lost the Hope, and has no more Change!!!

Mon, 02/11/2013 - 13:50 | 3233879 Don Diego
Don Diego's picture

If the Church elects a Negro as Pope I will never take again my children to church.

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