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John Kerry Speaks On Ukraine De-escalation: Live Webcast

Tyler Durden's picture




 

First it was Lavrov announcing the "roadmap" to de-escalate Ukraine tensions. Now it is the turn of John Kerry.

 

Some of the highlights via Bloomberg:

  • KERRY SAYS GENEVA MEETING AMOUNTS TO `GOOD DAY'S WORK'
  • KERRY: UKRAINE REAFFIRMED COMMITMENT TO REFORM CONSTITUTION
  • KERRY: UKRAINE GOVT WILL HOLD BROAD NATIONAL DIALOG ON CRISIS
  • KERRY: ALL PARTIES TO SECURE UKRAINE FINCL, ECONOMIC STABILITY
  • KERRY SAYS GENEVA PARTIES MUST FOLLOW WORDS WITH ACTIONS
  • KERRY: MORE SANCTIONS IF NO ACTIONS FROM RUSSIA THIS WEEKEND
  • KERRY SAYS GENEVA TALKS ON UKRAINE ARE `JUST THE BEGINNING'
 

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Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:51 | 4669937 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Even his hair is poofy.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:52 | 4669944 StacksOnStacks
StacksOnStacks's picture

The fucker loves himself some Ketchup!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:54 | 4669952 smlbizman
smlbizman's picture

i am mr. ed.....a horse is a horse of course of course.....

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:56 | 4669965 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

John Forbes Kerry - Skull and Bones extraordanaire.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:59 | 4669973 GamesMaster
GamesMaster's picture

Has his water been spiked?

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:59 | 4669976 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

Long ago.  It's part of the initiation ritual.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:03 | 4669986 power steering
power steering's picture

What did the bartender say to the horse?

.

.

.

"Why the long face?"

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:16 | 4670028 Arius
Arius's picture

Gee, this guy dumps words like "Oblast" and "Meydan" in his replies ... designed to give the false sense that he knows what he is talking about ... well, i for one dont buy it ... sorry

 

amateur hour ... this is the C team

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:23 | 4670052 666
666's picture

Great! Now that the meeting is over and they did a "good day's work," Putin can now invade and occupy Ukraine.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:43 | 4670602 Manthong
Manthong's picture

. we need another few dozen extra warships in Vlad’s bathtub.

..for a lousy extra $5 Billion we can probably buy the Sea of Azof.

..and the swift boat stooge does not have a hair if he does not pick up where jjjjjjengis Con left off.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 16:00 | 4670684 negative rates
negative rates's picture

Looks like he's been the ring with something.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:19 | 4670253 dbTX
dbTX's picture

John Kerry doesn't know his ass from wild honey.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:07 | 4670001 Herd Redirectio...
Herd Redirection Committee's picture

The Wonderful Mr Kohn.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:17 | 4670035 john39
john39's picture

He is Exhibit A to prove the case that zombies do in fact exist.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:12 | 4670218 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

I wonder if John "Cohn" Kerry will have to register.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/04/17/jews-ordered-to-regi...

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:56 | 4670669 Manthong
Manthong's picture

usatoday.com”..   ---  according to Ukrainian and Israeli media”…

Does  his help in understanding the “news”?

WTF..  do we need a Swift Boat Hero with 3 purple hearts and no signs of damage to whisper sweet nothings in our ears?

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:33 | 4670308 Blazed
Blazed's picture

John Kohn, ethno-mafia extraordanaire, but we aren't supposed to notice such things. 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:55 | 4669956 Winston Churchill
Winston Churchill's picture

He curries it every night.

Has it braided before every Show.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:05 | 4669995 power steering
power steering's picture

I love the way he flecks out his tongue at every verbal pause.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:30 | 4670074 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

That's his directional sense of smell.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:42 | 4670347 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

Yep, snakes do that.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:56 | 4669960 y3maxx
y3maxx's picture

...Except for EBT Card carrying Americans and Extreme Left Liberals, nobody else across the Planet believes anything "Hafro Potus" or "Ketchup Kerry" have to say anymore.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:19 | 4670043 NOTW777
NOTW777's picture

this is obamas "flexibility"  - they will protest with empty words and allow putin to take what he wants in this post election period of flexibility

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 16:15 | 4670736 HardAssets
HardAssets's picture

Yeah . . . definitely looks like Lurch from the old Addams Family show

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lurch_%28The_Addams_Family%29

 

 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:51 | 4669938 Deathrips
Deathrips's picture

Fuck You Horse Face!!

 

RIPS

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:21 | 4670049 power steering
power steering's picture

You will soon be a recipient of AG"You so fly" Holder's ire when president Jarrett reports your insulting boast

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:19 | 4670255 Deathrips
Deathrips's picture

Good ..tell Holder to suck a horse dick, too.

 

RIPS

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:52 | 4669940 redpill
redpill's picture

Looking a bit gaunt these days, add some more oats to his feed bag, Wilbur!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:52 | 4669945 Bill of Rights
Bill of Rights's picture

This from a Tax dodger such a POS this entire administration is.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:53 | 4669948 A_Nejad
A_Nejad's picture

Don't want to look and hear the lying Z fucker, so I'll wait for a "rational" breakdown of his BS conference later ...

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:53 | 4669949 grgy
grgy's picture

Don't you get it Kerry?  The ethnic Russians in east Ukraine do not wish to stay in a country run by neo-nazi US puppets. 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:04 | 4669992 McMolotov
McMolotov's picture

Didn't you hear? Now it's the eastern Ukrainians who are neo-nazis. There are "flyers" that prove it, and I'm sure they're authentic!

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2014/04/17/jews-ordered-to-regi...

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 20:29 | 4670883 Rican
Rican's picture

Still milking the Jew thing? I guess you can milk anything with nipples.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:53 | 4669950 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

No Ukrainian flag?

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:54 | 4669951 loveyajimbo
loveyajimbo's picture

I guess Reggie caught Klown Kerry and Obunga together and that explains the marks on Kerry's grotesque mug.  Another failed diplomacy...

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:55 | 4669954 NOTaREALmerican
NOTaREALmerican's picture

Golly,  it's just like the middle east.     

Is there, perhaps, a city in the Ukraine where people with bushy eyebrows who cross themselves right to left are in disagreement with people with bushy eyebrows who cross themselves left to right are in dispute over whose imaginary-friend told them is the rightful owner? 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:04 | 4670446 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

Gullivers' Travels.

He didn't make anything up.

Europe really is populated by Lilliputians.  Just like the US is populated by 1 million copies of Boss Hogg, differing only in their appearance, region, and accent.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:55 | 4669955 Soul Glow
Soul Glow's picture

John Kerry deserves two black eyes.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:56 | 4669959 Charles The Ham...
Charles The Hammer Martel's picture

Secretariat of State John Kerry... a haircut in search of a brain... lol gets me every time

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:56 | 4669961 maskone909
maskone909's picture

i wonder if tesla has the pattent on this frankenstien technology?  his new lithium batteries seem to be lasting longer these days.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:08 | 4670018 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

He's hooked up by hidden wires to a 24v deep-state-cycle battery.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:56 | 4669963 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

  Instead of "swiftboat Kohn" old Horsehead should be nicknamed "squareone Kohn"... That's exactly where all of his negotiations since be appointed S.O.S. have landed U.S. foreign policy.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:07 | 4669964 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

Horseface LaGuerreKerry has instigated, aggravated, incited, provoked, and fomented.  Now he wants to play the peacemaker by reiterating threats !?!  What a sick prick.  Oh well, he just represents his boss.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:58 | 4669972 Dickweed Wang
Dickweed Wang's picture

Kerry (aka Horseface): ". . . . we will have no choice to impose more "costs" on Russia."

WHAT AN ASSHOLE!!!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:02 | 4669980 maskone909
maskone909's picture

its almost like they are begging the brics to dump the dollar.

they have to of ran simulations of these events and seen the outcomes.  i really dont see how this can possibly end well for USA.  no matter how you look at it its war and famin

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 12:59 | 4669978 replaceme
replaceme's picture

HURN!!!! RARNNNN!!!! GURNNNN.......  Penny for your thoughts, Zipperneck.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:06 | 4669983 sondernauch
sondernauch's picture

I would like to know what the approval rating of our politicians is at the moment. Somewhere close to zero, I hope.

I'd love to hear what Joe Biden "thinks" about all this. Not that would be entertaining!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:02 | 4670435 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

Depends on who you poll.

When the going gets tough, they make the pollsters poll their employees.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:03 | 4669984 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

Here's the part where John Kerry claims agreements were reached that will be immediately denied by the other parties.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:03 | 4669985 STG5IVE
STG5IVE's picture

Quiet everyone!  A Satanist is speaking.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:05 | 4669996 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Kerry: You know what goes good with ukrainian horse meat? Ketchup. I happen to have a contract right here...

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:09 | 4670007 Polymarkos
Polymarkos's picture

Why would ANYONE listen to this guy? He's a communist fool, has a face that looks like a testicle sac, and a proven track record of utter failure.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:10 | 4670012 thamnosma
thamnosma's picture

You can rest assured this "plan" is just more gobble-dee-gook.  Kerry is getting punked.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:11 | 4670017 navy62802
navy62802's picture

Fucking ass hole.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:13 | 4670021 valley chick
valley chick's picture

So everything is fixed, right?  /sarc

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:19 | 4670040 STG5IVE
STG5IVE's picture

Yup, all done.  Water under the bridge.  Back to work!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:13 | 4670023 mccvilb
mccvilb's picture

Kerry's voice was noticably horse.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:18 | 4670037 STG5IVE
STG5IVE's picture

As was his face

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:10 | 4670210 paint it red ca...
paint it red call it hell's picture

Maybe he has had something stuck in his throat....

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:10 | 4670467 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

a tiny ball of hypocracy 10 miles wide

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:32 | 4670555 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

"Maybe he has had something stuck in his throat...."

A) A big fat cum bubble.
B) Dingleberries
D) 3 inch body parts from Nixon's corpse
E) All of the above

 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 20:34 | 4671502 Emergency Ward
Emergency Ward's picture

I wondered why he was being such a naysayer.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:16 | 4670031 therevolutionwas
therevolutionwas's picture

The people of Crimea have overwhelmingly voted to get the h%@ out from under Ukraine, and Kerry says no you can't.  You just gotta love the freedom and democracy the good ole USA is pushing.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:18 | 4670036 SharkBit
SharkBit's picture

Why in the hell does the US feel the need to get involved in every single geo-political issue.  Play the global cop.  The moral authority.  Last week it was this country.  Last month it was that country.  Such a comedy.  It really amazes me.  Where is China, Brazil, Japan, Zimbabwe, Chile or even Belgium.  They don't give a shit that's where.  I know the answer is obvious but why is it not obvious to the masses?

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:34 | 4670083 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Because above all else, the masses need someone to "DO SOMETHING!"

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:50 | 4670388 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

Mark Twain said that being a politician meant being the one who jumps in front of every parade and pretends to be leading it.

The moral authority is the baton twirling.

This behavior just goes along with the Post-WWII order that left the US as a superpower.  

Before the US it was the UK, doing pretty much the same things for pretty much the same reasons.

Before that it was Spain, and so on, and so on, and so on.

 

Can we send all the politicians to antarctica and then give them each their own news conferences so they can pretend to be important?  It would be a lot less costly in money and blood.  It would also get them out of our hair.  Finally, it gets reallly cold there, and we could, maybe, get them to less us freeze them so their wizdom could be preserved for posterity - or maybe archaeologists - to experience first hand.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:19 | 4670042 thamnosma
thamnosma's picture

On a related topic of more bullshit, did anybody see the reports on the "big Al-Qaeda meeting" in Yemen this week?

I had to watch CNN at the gym yesterday including a "report" on this BIG meeting.   Much of the talk was about whether the US intelligence knew about it in advance or missed it (no mention that maybe they organized it).   Then it morphed into high comedy.  Over video of about 100 guys clad in the usual robes carrying AK47's walking along a dirt road, the CNN stooges questioned whether this was the beginning of a planned attack on America.   It's hard to make this shit up.  

No, no, that wasn't the most absurd of it.  The CNN national security bitch then made the point:  "where did they get the money to buy that fancy white truck"... the fancy white truck being a large open bed pickup with some sort of racing decal on the side driving along the robed horde with dirty rifles.  I'm still laughing how surreal that was.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:26 | 4670062 The wheels on t...
The wheels on the bus are going to fall off's picture

Erm, what is Kerry actually expecting in terms of 'Actions by Russia' lack of action equals sanctions this weekend?

I dont see any actions for Russia when i heard Lavrovs statement.....

The way i see it, is Russia are sat back saying to the west, you fucking caused this problem to start with, now go and fucking fix it. If any Russians get slaughtered and it is made public, then we will intervene

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:26 | 4670064 Squid Viscous
Squid Viscous's picture

New world Order crypto, i actually wanted him to win in '04 since dubya was an even bigger and dumber POS ... what a choice  

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:58 | 4670352 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

Naw,

 

Dubya just had a different accent.  Other than that they are essentially the same person.  They keep a mold in Princeston, that ll these empty suits are cast in.

 

Oh, yeah, there's one other difference between Dubya and Lurch.  Lurch speaks French.  Dubya speaks "ES-PAG-NOL".  And the language difference reflects differences in their characters.

French women are good-looking, but arrogant, self-important, and willing to overlook things like a horse face if it comes with a big wallet, and uses big words.

Hispanic women are also attractive, but more volatile.  At the same time they are more down to earth and care more about a man's - ahem - other qualities than about little things like his IQ.

So, I guess you have me.  Maybe they are a little different, even if they are cast from the same banker-family mold.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:27 | 4670067 Apeman
Apeman's picture

Fuck You, Curry!!!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:30 | 4670075 NoDecaf
NoDecaf's picture

The key part for me was when he made a comparison of Yats offer of more autonomy for Ukrainian Oblasts than for Russian ones. That tells me right there, that this is just a pause. They will not stop until they get an overwhelming response from Russia. This has all been tit-for-tat BS so far. They need a big splash to blame the next economic crisis on.

This is the last stand for these bastards. When everyone in the US is going buck wild because of food shortages and the lights are out. These mofos know there is no where on earth that they can hide. Any country that grants them asylum will quickly cough them up when the power shifts back to the American people and normalcy has returned.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:38 | 4670097 NotApplicable
NotApplicable's picture

Umm... when the lights to out, there will be no countries, or issues of asylum worthy of consideration.

What there will be? Lots and lots of "private security contractors."

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:36 | 4670090 DOT
Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:45 | 4670120 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

Kerry/Kohn: When a horse can be a complete ass

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:38 | 4670334 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

Your comment elicited an immediate guffaw.

 

Thanks!

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:45 | 4670126 grozniy
Thu, 04/17/2014 - 13:56 | 4670158 farmerjohn2112
farmerjohn2112's picture

And I thought that Schlafly bitch flapping her gums was the worst news of the day...

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:11 | 4670212 free_lunch
free_lunch's picture

Globalresearch.org has a story about Poland being involved in training EuroMaidan militants?

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:11 | 4670469 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

So are the Chechens.

Russia has not one neighbor that they have not occupied and ruled for decades at one time or another.

It leads those neighbors to throw obstacles in Russia's way at every opportunity.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 14:43 | 4670351 Duc888
Duc888's picture

Sharkbit: Why in the hell does the US feel the need to get involved in every single geo-political issue.  Play the global cop.  The moral authority.  Last week it was this country.  Last month it was that country.  Such a comedy.  It really amazes me.  Where is China, Brazil, Japan, Zimbabwe, Chile or even Belgium.  They don't give a shit that's where.  I know the answer is obvious but why is it not obvious to the masses?

 

This is the fight about the Petro-Dollar, that's why. 

Your Global Cop reference is somewhat true.  This is the cop shaking down the citizens.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:04 | 4670381 Zero Govt
Zero Govt's picture

the same John Kerry Govt who is illegally occupying both Iraq and Afghanistan (300-400,000 murdered civilians) is talking about a minor scrap in Ukraine?????

 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:07 | 4670459 Intoxicologist
Intoxicologist's picture

I was hoping someone would throw a horseshoe at him. 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:07 | 4670461 gcjohns1971
gcjohns1971's picture

Wow.

Superb.

Brilliance.

Does it occur to anyone else...

...That Obama's whole foreign policy regime is based on the French in Monty Python's "The Holy Grail"?

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:20 | 4670506 americanspirit
americanspirit's picture

While BigHair is off saving the Ukraine Heinz is eliminating 100% of its American jobs in Pittsburg. Nice work asshole.

http://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2014/04/14/heinz-offers-buyout-to-all-local-employees-prompting-concerns-about-future-here/

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:22 | 4670517 Youri Carma
Youri Carma's picture

Where ever country Skull & Bones Kerry shows his ugly Joker face, death and destruction will follow soon. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TlQsHC9WzO8

John Kerry's Strange Demonic Look at Syria Hearing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irlEYmGX838
Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:35 | 4670578 combatsnoopy
combatsnoopy's picture

The question is who bought Kerry off this time?
A) oil companies
B) the middle east...

Ho soon do we get them for treason?  :)

And why the hell isn't the U.S. providing SUPPLY SIDE DOMESTICALLY DRILLED OIL?!!!
Duh- income inequality = + high gas prices from oPEC due to USD death = price regressive taxation and extortion.

 

BTW, it's hilarious that Putin's Russia has business friendly policies and it's oil rich.
Funny how Putin's Russia is more Reaganesque than the baby boomer's AMerica.   

 

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 15:47 | 4670625 dizzyfingers
dizzyfingers's picture

Drop dead.

Thu, 04/17/2014 - 17:50 | 4670993 Goldilocks
Goldilocks's picture

William Shakespeare - All The World's A Stage - Monologue - Poetry Reading
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DmN9hr2wxUg (1:48)
All The World's A thought experiment (of sorts).

Fri, 04/18/2014 - 09:34 | 4672721 esum
esum's picture

Kerry: and when vlad turns off your gas i will be feeling your pain on my toasty warm tax free yacht with my wombat wife. 

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