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Apple Unveils World-Changing Wrist-Band - Live Feed

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Judging by the euphoric exaggeration and fanboyism on mainstream media this morning, today's Apple Watch (not iWatch, definitely not iWatch) unveiling promises to be "world-changing" for the 'wearables' industry (as well as numerous "first time ever..." comments). Of course, there are 'watches' on the market already, but as Reuters Jason Fields 'jokes', the Apple Watch, of course, does more. The face is high resolution and in color. It even has apps that allow you to do a few of the things you’d be able to do if only you could muster the strength to dig your hand into the front pocket of your jeans, or do a little digging in your handbag.

Netflix crushed...

  • *HBO SAYS APPLE WILL BE EXCLUSIVE LAUNCH PARTNER FOR STAND ALONE

Apple TV sales are doing so well, they are cutting prices?

  • *APPLE HAS SOLD 25 MLN APPLE TV UNITS TO DATE
  • *APPLE LOWERING APPLE TV ENTRY PRICE TO $69, FROM $99

Everything else...

  • *APPLE SAYS 700M IPHONES SOLD SO FAR: THE VERGE
  • *COOK: APPLE PAY OFF TO `MOST AMAZING' START
  • *COOK SAYS APPLE PAY SUPPORTED BY MORE THAN 2,500 BANKS
  • *COOK SAYS APPLE TRIPLED NUMBER OF PLACES ACCEPTING APPLE PAY
  • *APPLE SAYS EVERY MAJOR CAR BRAND HAS COMMITTED TO CARPLAY
  • *APPLE: MORE THAN 40 MODELS WITH CARPLAY SHIPPING BY YEAR END
  • *APPLE SAYS MORE THAN 900 APPS TRACKING HEALTH, FITNESS
  • *APPLE SAYS 'RESEARCH KIT' TURNS IPHONES INTO DIAGNOSTIC TOOL
  • *APPLE SAYS WORKED WITH MEDICAL INSTITUTIONS
  • *APPLE SAYS USERS DECIDE HOW MEDICAL DATA SHARED
  • *APPLE SAYS IT WON'T SEE MEDICAL DATA

Macbooks... (because it was really starting to get heavy)

  • *APPLE SAYS NEW MACBOOK 24% THINNER
  • *APPLE SAYS NEW MACBOOK THINNEST EVER AT 13.1 MM THIN
  • *APPLE SAYS IT INVENTED NEW KEYBOARD FOR NEW MACBOOK
  • *APPLE SAYS NEW MACBOOK HAS 12-INCH DISPLAY

Apple Watch...

  • *COOK SAYS APPLE WATCH THE MOST PERSONAL DEVICE THEY'VE CREATED
  • *APPLE WATCH HAS `GLANCES' FOR THINGS CHECKED MOST FREQUENTLY
  • *APPLE SAYS WATCH ALLOWS FULL E-MAILS TO BE READ
  • *APPLE: `DIGITAL TOUCH' ALLOWS FOR WATCH-TO-WATCH COMMUNICATION
  • *APPLE SAYS PHONE CAN BE SET DOWN AT HOME, WATCH STILL WORKS
  • *APPLE WATCHES TO COST $349-$1,099, HIGH-END TO START AT $10,000

*  *  *

How The Market Is Responding...

 

A Gold Macbook!!!!!! BUYBUYBUY

 

Timex... or time will tell?

 

BNN notes 5 Things To 'Watch' for...

HOW WILL THIS WORK?

You’ll need to have a smartphone on you in order for the Watch to connect to the Internet or to cellular networks: it doesn’t have its own wireless connection (unlike some devices that have been announced, like the LG Urbane, which runs on a WebOS system).

 

There seem to be three ways users can interact with the smart features of the Watch: it has a touchscreen for some functions, a scroll wheel/watch stem controller for navigation, and a companion app for your iPhone (no, there is no sign you can get an Android app for Watch). Through these controls users will be able to access and customize apps on the Watch. Expect to see extended demos of software made by Apple (iTunes, iMessage, etc.) and also third-party content from the likes of Facebook, Twitter and others.

 

There also appears to be a fourth interface strictly for consuming: the glance. Developers working with Apple have reported the company is urging any on-watch functions should take no more than 10 seconds. Notifications would obviously take less, but that focus on saving time (reported by Bloomberg among others) has another salutary effect: saving battery life.

 

HOW LONG WILL IT LAST?

This is the most critical aspect of the Watch, and Apple may remain vague about it. A watch that lasts all day is an expectation, not an option. (The latest Pebble smartwatch claims to last for a week on one charge.) In September, Apple suggested you’d recharge the Watch “at night.”

 

But battery power doesn’t just affect whether you get your retweet notification at 7 p.m., but also what kind of apps you get at all. Developers have realized that Apple’s rules for third-party apps restrict access to some of the key sensor tech; NFC (near-field communication that allows for mobile payments), heartbeat sensors and even the gyrometer (for motion-sensing) will all be locked down.

 

You won’t be able to wave your hand to activate something like a drone with your Watch, for example. And TechCrunch is reporting that notifications will cease when the Watch isn’t on your wrist. That will help extend battery life, but may eliminate some of the hoped-for “wow” features like gesture controls or games designed to measure your anxiety.

 

HOW MUCH IS IT?

The widely reported figure is that $349 (U.S.) will be the lowest price for a Watch. What we don’t know is what the average Watch will cost.

 

Nothing that Apple sells now has anywhere near the customization options that the Watch will have, from multiple colours, metals, sizes, bands, and who knows what other options (Bloomberg says Apple even has a fancy leather charging box). And there is cottage industry of guesses about the higher-end gold alloy Watches from tech figures like Marco Arment and John Gruber, who peg the luxury version price between $5,000 and $20,000.

 

We might even see retail boss Angela Ahrendts come up on stage to explain how the Apple store experience could be rebuilt to create a Watch boutique to help customers manage all these choices. What Apple doesn’t want are repeats of this kind of anti-Mac Genius rant/performance.

 

HOW MANY WILL THEY SELL?

Analysts are all over the map, but one recent guess from Strategy Analytics suggests it could sell 15 million Watches in 2015, translating into a 55 per cent global market share. That suggests we’ll see a lot of sales for the other smartwatch makers too, as there were only 4.8 million smartwatches sold in all of last year. “The Apple Watch is the catalyst to ignite the global smartwatch market,” wrote Cliff Raskind, Director at Strategy Analytics.

 

If that sounds pretty lofty, don’t forget Apple just kicked AT&T off the Dow Jones Industrial Average index and its market cap is almost $740-billion. Consider this nugget of Watch prediction wisdom from Stratechery analyst Ben Thompson: “Apple is on the verge of leaving the narrowly-defined smartphone market behind entirely, instead making a play to be involved in every aspect of its consumers’ lives.”

 

WILL THERE BE “ONE MORE THING?”

Do not expect news on the much-fantasized Apple Car, or the fever dream that is an Apple TV. Don’t plan on hearing new details about Beats Music service and don’t expect any news on bigger Microsoft Surface-style “pro” iPads. At most, there could be a Macbook update, or some other cheering about a peripheral product. This is Apple Watch’s second debut, but it will still take centre stage because we’re much closer to its arrival in stores: Most expect it will ship in April.

*  *  *

Live Feed (via Apple - note, only works on Apple products) - click image for link to feed

 

Alternative Live Feed (via CNET)

*  *  *

Some thoughts on Apple Watch...

 

*  *  *

Via Ransquawk, The following report provides a useful overview of some of Apple's biggest suppliers for iPhone parts, ahead of the well anticipated launch of the expected Apple Watch at the media event scheduled for 1700GMT/1200CDT March 9th 2015.

MAIN POINTS:

APPLE WATCH

As this event is expected to unveil the Co.’s watch product for the first time, the full list of suppliers for the Apple Watch is unknown as of yet. However, based on previous products, firms that could benefit from the launch include: Quanta Services (PWR), Micron (MU), NXP Semiconductors (NXP), Texas Instruments (TXN), Maxim (MMS) and Broadcom (BRCM). Furthermore, after last year’s media event, Goldman Sachs suggested the Apple Watch could include flexible OLED display supplied by Universal Display (OLED)

Conversely, firms that may be adversely affected by the announcement include: Sony (SNE), Qualcom (QCOM), Garmin (GRMN). Of note, luxury watch brands such as Rolex and Omega are not expected to be greatly impacted by the release.

MAIN FEATURES:

  • Sizes - Expectations are for 2 iWatch sizes and 3 styles.
  • Prices - Expected to start from USD 349 (Apple Watch Sport), with further price points of USD 350, USD 550 and USD 950.
  • Battery life – Apple is currently targeting 2.5 hours of ‘heavy’ use or 3.5 hours of ‘standard’ use. However, users will likely only be actively interacting with the device at short intervals throughout the day. As such, aims were for 3-4 days of standby or sleeping mode, but have now been lowered to 2-3 days. This could prove decisive in terms of customer appeal as iPhone models with short battery life have come under increased scrutiny in the past.
  • Features: Heart rate at a glance, iPhone companion app, music, improved interactivity features that most other smart watches.

Many technology firms have been exploring the increasingly popular world of wearable technology, and the iWatch has the potential to pack-in a lot of new features including the technology for a wellness and fitness tracker, wireless charging, flexible OLED screens, and NFC support for Apple’s potential mobile payments system, however this all remains speculation. One big sticking-point with investors could be the bill though, with suggestion that the price-tag will be in excess of USD 300, making it substantially more expensive than similar products on the market.

OTHER POTENTIAL PRODUCTS – Update to MacBook Air...

Could include:

  • Retina display
  • Faster CPU
  • Thinner bezel display
  • Pressure-sensitive touchpad

*  *  *

The Onion's forecast on the Apple Watch features...

  • 13-megapixel camera enables users to take crystal-clear pictures of wrist
  • Allows wearers to start and stop the flow of time
  • Discreet, but not so discreet that anyone would mistake it for a regular watch
  • Comes in a variety of colors and styles to express your personal submission to the planet’s dominant tech company
  • Adjustable ticking volume
  • All the convenience of a traditional watch that needs to be charged every 12 hours
  • Built-in thinkpiece regarding the increased connectivity yet simultaneous isolation of the millennial generation
  • Small size and intricate circuitry able to drive twice as many Chinese workers to suicide as iPhone
  • Makes it easier for muggers to see whether or not you’re carrying an expensive electronic device
  • Another screen to throw into your current rotation of things you look at

*  *  *

And finally...

 

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Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:41 | 5870313 palmdetroit
palmdetroit's picture

But ZH is 100% for a contrarian indicator,.  I doubt anyone else would be left

 

lol buy gold sell stocks... cuz they gonna print forever and buy stocks and that makes stocks go down ? ya...

 

margin compression... bahahahahahah

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:22 | 5870055 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

It's an ugly watch.

When your hand turns black, amputate.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:31 | 5870058 Pasadena Phil
Pasadena Phil's picture

"Sorry I'm late but my watch got hacked."

"Sorry I'm late but my watch took FOREVER to download the latest update."

"Sorry I'm late but I left my iPhone on my dresser and the Apple watch.... well you know."

"Sorry I'm late but I confused my blood pressure reading for the time and thought I had already missed the meeting."

"Sorry I'm late but Apple still hasn't solved that issue with Apple Maps and I thought I was in Milan."

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 18:37 | 5871225 mkkby
mkkby's picture

All bad excuses.  Sorry I'm late but the line was too long at the apple store.  Now everyone nods in agreement and you are forgiven.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:30 | 5870059 Smuckers
Smuckers's picture

For my 40th, iSaved up (gasp, there's a thought) and treated myself to to a Tag.

iRarely have to wind it for power, iGet the occasional compliment, and iCan wear it in a casino. 

Good luck with those three.

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:25 | 5870069 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

Where is my fucking flying car?

Who the hell wants a dog leash around their wrist?

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:31 | 5870101 silverer
silverer's picture

Whoa! Whoa!  "Where is my fucking electric flying car?"  Ok, lets move on...

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:13 | 5870224 JuliaS
JuliaS's picture

If you puncture a Tesla at just the right angle...

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:38 | 5870315 Thirst Mutilator
Thirst Mutilator's picture

You're not mistaking flaming flying PERSON, with flying car are you?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:24 | 5870072 bid the soldier...
bid the soldiers shoot's picture

 

BIG BROTHER:  I Watchin YOU

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:26 | 5870073 NuYawkFrankie
NuYawkFrankie's picture

"Mommy, Mommy - I-Me want an I-Watch!"

"Not until you finish eating your I-Flakes!"

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:27 | 5870074 Condition 1SQ
Condition 1SQ's picture

What we need are Earth-shattering inventions, not consumer gadgets.  Calling Nikolai Tesla!

P.S. What's with the goddamn live stream automatically loading?  Nix that shit, Tyler.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:14 | 5870228 JuliaS
JuliaS's picture

We have an earth-shattering invention. It's called fracking.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:42 | 5870320 Thirst Mutilator
Thirst Mutilator's picture

You're fracking ON FIRE today Julia! :-) [+1]

 

Are you from District 12?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:27 | 5870085 TalkToLind
TalkToLind's picture

Good lord, MarketWatch has gone Full Retard.  iCan't take it anymore.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:28 | 5870089 delacroix
delacroix's picture

screen replacement will keep many geeks employed

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:29 | 5870093 silverer
silverer's picture

Makes me want to leave my cell phone home for a couple of weeks just to get some space from all this.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:41 | 5870607 g speed
g speed's picture

I lost my cell last week--(I think) --I don't really remember cause I never turned it on--- how I'm still alive is a miracle--

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:29 | 5870095 moratar
moratar's picture

Weird that Apple didn't go bancrupt yet. I never met ppl using apple devices on daily basis. Few that used to use it just compained about it.

Maybe apple's data are as reliable as FED's. It smells similar to global economy. Everything is awesome! and there goes Kaboom... all dead.

Bit like Tesco that was faking their data about income, and now Tesco is strugling to keep up mouth just about shit level.

When Apple fails Nasdaq will go down nicley.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:29 | 5870096 basho
basho's picture

this is news?

tic toc

idiots

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:30 | 5870098 DontFollowMyAdv...
DontFollowMyAdviceImaDummy's picture

if it actually ACCURATELY MEASURES my heartrate without the use of a chest-band this thing actually fits a need for me in doing cardio target training and keeping better-track of my workouts.  if i can facetime through it, while not a need that i have, that would be pretty cool.

also seems like it would be a pretty good device for tracking the sheeple for when the nailgun roundups begin

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:41 | 5870141 Agstacker
Agstacker's picture

I can't wait to get one and measure my heartrate and share it on Facebook!  Think of the thumb's up I'll get!

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:49 | 5870362 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

I wonder what Carlos Danger (Huma's hubby Anthony) would measure with it for sharing on Facebook.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:39 | 5870319 artless
artless's picture

@DontFollowMyAdv...

"if it actually ACCURATELY MEASURES my heartrate without the use of a chest-band this thing actually fits a need for me in doing cardio target training and keeping better-track of my workouts."

First off if that part of the comment was sarc then chapeaux. BUT if it was serious then TAKE MY ADVICE and do not waste your time with cardio cause...IT'S A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. Low impact training is pointless. It does nothing to benefit your heart, actually can deplete muscle mass and bone density. High intensity interval training (unless you are my 79 year old mother who hyas NO athletic backround) is not only more beneficial but far more economical time wise. Most anyone can work up to handling such efforts provided they do it properly and do not have pre-existing heart conditions. But trust me. Doing 30-45 mins of "cardio" on some machine likea treadmill or expecially an eliptical is just a waste of time. The key is getting your body to create HGH, Testosterone, and other good stuff and cardio (which the rest of the world calls RECOVERY) doesn't unleash those things.

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:33 | 5870106 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

Can I get mine with a spool of piano wire built in?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:34 | 5870110 tommylicious
tommylicious's picture

Is the Apple Butt Plug out yet?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:34 | 5870113 Chuck Knoblauch
Chuck Knoblauch's picture

Electromagnetic radiation causes DNA damage.

I hope you buy it.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:42 | 5870119 TomGa
TomGa's picture

iWatch, because iGlass did so well....

 

..., because I need something else to use my EBT card for.

..., becasue I need more electronics in my life.

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:38 | 5870135 de Cosmos
de Cosmos's picture

Presenting AppleGold. Who else but Apple could improve gold -- but now Apple has produced its own special gold matrix composite, not just an alloy of gold with other metals, but also ceramic particles and rodent droppings. This makes AppleGold harder and more scratch-resistant...

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:46 | 5870151 TalkToLind
TalkToLind's picture

iIngot.  It has rounded corners and it comes with a yacht with a hull that cracks so that you can have your own iBoating accident.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:53 | 5870386 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

Apple will only use 32-carat gold. Better than pure.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:41 | 5870140 vegas
vegas's picture

How fucking stupid do you have to be to buy one of these? Especially when you will be able to get version 3 a year from now at 1/10th the price. Dumbasses.

 

www.traderzoo.mobi

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:45 | 5870150 Oh regional Indian
Oh regional Indian's picture

That parody is some funny shit....

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:52 | 5870170 jimijon
jimijon's picture

Clueless and ignorant ZHers

Just keep ignoring all of Apple's tech advancements and ecosystem.

Make fun of success. Sigh. And talking about who's got a life?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:01 | 5870191 jamochavez
jamochavez's picture

you got it Idouche

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:54 | 5870175 TalkToLind
TalkToLind's picture

Introducing the iUD for trendy women who want the absolute best in birth control.  It has rounded corners.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:54 | 5870388 Rory_Breaker
Rory_Breaker's picture

comment of the day

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:55 | 5870177 Bopper09
Bopper09's picture

I'm not even 40, and a fucking tablet pisses me off because it's too small.  Not sure why I clicked this article, I don't own a cell phone or a watch.  But I liked the comments.  Sure this thing won't cause any accidents while driving down the road.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:57 | 5870180 DIgnified
DIgnified's picture

So it's a Motorola watch with a smaller screen?  No thank you.  Didn't buy the big one, won't buy this one.   I'll stick with traditional watches.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 13:58 | 5870185 walküre
walküre's picture

Great tool if your fingertips are no more than a 1/4 " thick. For guys like me with real size fingers, it's a challenge to use any of the "smart" tools. Can't tell you how much time I'm wasting typing or tapping same stuff again and again.

Stupid gimmick. However, this being Apple, they will sell a few million pieces and make a crap load of money.

As always, there are stupid consumers and then there are Apple consumers.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:06 | 5870199 Fix It Again Timmy
Fix It Again Timmy's picture

Personally, I wear a sundial, but it is somewhat problematic once the sun goes down...The version 2 upgrade will address this unforseen bug....

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:09 | 5870204 Calculus99
Calculus99's picture

A lot of balls will be drained today as all the fanboys jerkoff.

 

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:12 | 5870220 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

Balls are useless these days.  Just ask Bruce Jenner.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:11 | 5870213 lasvegaspersona
lasvegaspersona's picture

WW3 has been postponed until we see how this watch sells.

If it can keep the $IMF going a bit longer we may have to wait a year for the nukes to fall.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:12 | 5870216 Government need...
Government needs you to pay taxes's picture

Will these .gov watches enable the drone to verify you have no pulse, after dropping its munition on your GPS-verified position?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:12 | 5870217 thismarketisrigged
thismarketisrigged's picture

OMGD, I MUST GET A FUCKING APPLE IWATCH.

 

THIS IS SO FUCKING COOL, YOU MEAN AAPL JUST CREATED SOMETHING IN WHICH I CAN FUCKING TELL TIME WITH? HOLY SHIT, ITS NOT LIKE THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF WATCH COMPANIES IN THE WORLD, AAPL IS SO FUCKING SPECIAL.

 

CANT WAIT UNTIL IT JOINS THE DOW NEXT WEEK, THIS WILL BRING THE DOW TO 20,000 IN 1 WEEK.

 

AAPLE, WHAT A GREAT FUCKING COMPANY, ALWAYS COMING UP WITH SUCH INCREDIBLE PRODUCTS. WHOEVER THOUGHT OF THIS WATCH MUST GET A RAISE, IT SEEMS SO FUCKING COOL.

 

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:17 | 5870241 Panic Mode
Panic Mode's picture

Apple Twatch or Google Glasshole - who do you punch first?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:18 | 5870247 Dungholio
Dungholio's picture

I've got a chubby now... Wonder if I can wear the watch on that...

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:20 | 5870250 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

Looks like its going to be a big security hole once it gets hacked.

 

They better stop the preentation now before AAPL goes negative on the day. 127.50 and dropping.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:20 | 5870256 Miles Plastic
Miles Plastic's picture

Meanwhile, the world continues to wait for a MacBook power adapter that doesn't need to be replaced every 2 weeks.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:23 | 5870259 Gab Timov
Gab Timov's picture

Looks kind of deperate to me.

Anyways, there are two things coming in the sci-fi future that will be game changers:

1. direct brain to brain messaging and accessing of the brainternet. you'll get a notification when someone thinks about you, dreams about you, etc. brainternet security will be a big business because you don't want a virus in your mind.

2. scientists will develop plant animal hybrids that can make their own food/energy from photosynthesis. first it will be in farm animals only, but eventually humans will also sign-on.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:06 | 5870441 GeezerGeek
GeezerGeek's picture

http://www.independent.com/news/2010/jan/30/first-known-photosynthetic-a...

http://www.wired.com/2012/08/green-aphid-photosynthesis/

And regarding the brainternet - men, prepare to get slapped every time you look at a pretty woman passing by.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:22 | 5870263 Colonel Klink
Colonel Klink's picture

iPredict it's going to be an iBUST!

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:25 | 5870272 VegasBob
VegasBob's picture

iWatch = worthless piece of shit.  This is going to be an epic fail.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:25 | 5870276 Joe Tierney
Joe Tierney's picture

iWonder if the iDIOTS paying the iNSANE price of nearly $400 bucks for this iSHIT realize they're getting iTOOK?

 

And don't they know that every iTHIEF on the street is going to iTARGET them?

 

Maybe it has an iNTERNAL electrical generator that let's you waggle your arm, which spins the generator, sort of like the old wind-up watches that wound themselves as you moved your arm. Only this one spins the generator which charges the battery.

 

You could envision all sorts of people sitting at their desks and walking along and what-not, waggling their arms, to make sure the battery stays charged.....

 

I'd call it the iSPAZ Watch.....

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:25 | 5870279 pragmatic hobo
pragmatic hobo's picture

i might buy one ... for $35 bucks.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:28 | 5870288 world_debt_slave
world_debt_slave's picture

never have and never will ever own an apple anything

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:29 | 5870291 K_BX
K_BX's picture

Scary thing.

Next is a built in taser - so police can shock you at will.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:37 | 5870309 Dungholio
Dungholio's picture

I can't wait to shove one up my bunghole!

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:39 | 5870317 FieldingMellish
FieldingMellish's picture

SELL!! SELL!!! SELL!!! AAPL. Dropping like a stone watch.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:04 | 5870437 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

Mr Yellen, pre-order some damn watches!  NOW!!

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:15 | 5870492 TruthBeforeAll
TruthBeforeAll's picture

It's back (til after hours anyway). Because in reality...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6g2JN2PrHJg&feature=youtu.be&t=48s

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:44 | 5870340 WillyGroper
WillyGroper's picture

Hoverounds got nothing on these drones with devices.

You can't even get thru a grocery store without some moron blocking not one side of the isle but the middle.

I'm a frogs hair away from taking a compressed gas air horn or at the very least a bubble type bicycle horn & blow it at them.

Hive, plain & simple.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:46 | 5870351 I Write Code
I Write Code's picture

They pay you a dollar an hour to wear one while it plays ads continuously.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 14:51 | 5870374 B2u
B2u's picture

When will they lauch iRing, a decoder ring for Clousea..

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:01 | 5870420 Darkdoc
Darkdoc's picture

I use a pocket watch with a chain, and it tells the time and looks very cool.

Infinitely better than any Apple product throughout history.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:03 | 5870432 DontFollowMyAdv...
DontFollowMyAdviceImaDummy's picture

upon further review... IT'S NOT WATER-RESISTENT PAST 1-METER OF DEPTH AND EVEN THEN CAN ONLY STAY AT 1-METER FOR 30MINS-OR-LESS... effing IPX7 rating!!!

 

There is no way you can wear it and workout if you sweat for more than 30minutes! 

 

Dammit, it has to be a dud since you can't workout or swim with it without breaking it.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:09 | 5870459 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

It's worse than that -- the minimum reliable standard for surface swimming is a 30 meter watch -- there are pressures when you take a stroke.  Sport divers generally won't use anything rated less than 200m though most spend little time past 30m. 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:15 | 5870488 Bastiat
Bastiat's picture

. . . that said, I dove 20m with a $100 skagen rated 30m, several times with no ill effect. It was a very slim watch.  Apple couldn't even do 30m? Lame.

You want a sports watch get a Polar, a Garmin, a Suunto.  You want a serious sports/training watch you can wear to work Polar V800 (handles all triathlon sports, plus fitness).  I can't see this Apple thing even doing much in the fitness space, let alone sports/training.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:09 | 5870462 SilverFish
SilverFish's picture

Just let the iRetards buy them up first at full price, then after they end up in everyones junk drawer next year cuz it's not cool anymore and people realize they're useless,  you buy it off Ebay for 10 bucks......instant Hipster status.

 

 

 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:14 | 5870481 shovelhead
shovelhead's picture

iFuckin' don't care.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:24 | 5870536 Mr. Bones
Mr. Bones's picture

Did Tim receive a call from Steve Jobs on the demo iWatch?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:25 | 5870543 orangegeek
orangegeek's picture

tossing my Rolex and getting one of these so I can fit in

 

FUCK OFF APPLE!!!

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:35 | 5870576 sudzee
sudzee's picture

I think I'll wait for i-watch version 3 or 4. I don't like the idea of carrying around extra batteries just so I can get to 18:01. 

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:38 | 5870589 Shitgum Suicide
Shitgum Suicide's picture

I bet it has a rayciss and homophobe detector that sends a signal to the government to prevent future hate crimes and hates speech. Not to mention any people who believe in the 2nd amendment or secure borders or some barbarous relic collecting.

Watching you watching me! Literally.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 15:58 | 5870659 Grinder74
Grinder74's picture

Isn't this the same plot as in The Kingsmen?

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 17:18 | 5870889 Conax
Conax's picture

That's not even a watch. It's a gameboy for dullards with more money than sense.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 18:29 | 5870906 Youri Carma
Youri Carma's picture

Your new shackle suckers!

With little backdoor poisonous needle and heartbeat measurement chip so it can report back to your master if you are terminated.

Apple will join the Dow: Why it doesn’t matter http://www.marketwatch.com/story/apple-joins-the-dow-why-it-doesnt-matte...

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 17:29 | 5870916 joego1
joego1's picture

Thats really nice but I'm holding out for the Igullotine and the Inailgun myself.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 17:37 | 5870946 roadhazard
roadhazard's picture

I don't own an ianything.

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 18:22 | 5871152 Deathstar
Deathstar's picture

This is just another gimmick to pander to the trendies and hipsters.

It is tediously too small, the controls still reek of old tech and you need some other gadget to make it work with the net.

This years coming market crash will drain the trendy/hipster/commies pocket books enough that they will have to choose between eating and the newest narcissist keep-up-with-jonses iDIOCY.

My prediction,
It will flop.

You heard it from me first!

Apples where meant to be eaten. (TM)

Mon, 03/09/2015 - 18:25 | 5871185 djsmps
djsmps's picture

The reddit hipsters love it.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!