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Cliff Asness' Cliff Notes To Progressive America

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Cliff Asness, head of the quant hedge fund AQR, has been known to be a vocal opponent of various failed governmental policies in the past few years. Today, he has shared his "dictionary" (of "humorous" persuasion as he himself notes, with definitions "written sarcastically as a faux left-winger, some just conservative/libertarian interpretations of what the left really means.") of the key terms dominant in Progressive America right now. In a world in which other people's money has pretty much run out, and ahead of a rather historic Supreme Court ruling tomorrow, we believe some of these are quite relevant.

Some Useful Definitions to Understand Our Modern Progressive World

Failed Policies of the Past

Definition: Limited government, free markets, personal responsibility, liberty.

We Are All In This Together

Definition: For the love of God who do we tax back to the stone-age to get out of this!?

Social Darwinism

Definition: Essentially a darling concept of the progressive left of the first half of the 20th century (along with eugenics its even more vile cousin). It now is defined as "any attempt by conservatives and libertarians to rein in the unsustainable spending of out of control government."

Fairness

Definition: A word used to motivate making sure outcomes do not match abilities or effort. Note, pre-1970 it meant roughly the opposite.

Social Justice

Definition: Redistribution based on group affiliation, regardless of anything the actual individuals in question did, or even their specific ancestors did, but instead based on the actions of other individuals in the past who just kind of looked vaguely like those in the relevant groups being discussed now, both victim and oppressor. Also applies to redistribution of any kind, whether based on actual unfairness, or on simply outcomes liberals do not like.

Alternative definition: Unspecific. Just a meaningless phrase that screams “I am liberal and this phrase sounds liberal and nice with just a hint of revolutionary sexiness.”

Antonym: Justice (which, even if it must be applied broadly to address real group-wide wrongs, is always and everywhere an individual notion)

The Phrase “Deny Access to…”

Used in a sentence: “It is unfair to deny access to healthcare to 26 year olds living off their parents.”

Definition: When a person isn’t given something they want for free, and they have not found a way to steal it yet, they have been “denied access” to it. In general it is the “1%” that “denies access.” See “1%” below.

Entitlement

Definition: Something provided by other men and women’s labor that some claim as their right, sometimes claiming to have paid for it during their lifetime, when all forms of modern mathematics and accounting reject that notion.

Rights

Used in a sentence: “I have a right to healthcare.”

Definition: A more extreme form of “entitlement” defined above. Note that modern usage throws out the long tradition of natural rights only of a negative nature, that is, the right not to have something done to you, for rights of a positive nature, that is, the right to certain goods and services, like health care, Apple products, and soy milk. Since, no matter how important these items are, these modern positive rights must still be produced and taken from others, essentially the word “rights” now often stands for a system of slavery and theft.

Main Street

Definition: A place liberals used to ridicule as Mayberry but now pretend to love.

Regular Americans

Definition: People who support me.

Special Interests

Definition: People who support you.

Fat Cat

Definition: Something a politicians calls someone with 3x more money than the median voter who supported the politician in question.

Alternative Definition: Someone the same exact politician hits up for cash.

The 1%

Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or hi-tech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax rate, and lifestyle).

Middle-Class

Definition: A focus-group tested better word than “the poor” for progressives to use to advance their statist schemes. Some speeches by progressives now consist of just saying it over and over again in different hypnotic musical tones.

Income Inequality

Definition: What occurs when a free and productive economy includes people with different abilities, work habits, and, of course, luck. Also, one of the main reasons anyone actually works at anything.

A Fair Tax System

Definition: One in which the “rich” (i.e., those making more than the speaker of these words, or those voting for the speaker) pay 50% more than they currently pay, and the speaker and his constituents get to pay 50% less than they currently pay. These figures remain unchanged despite any starting tax rates. If this change pushes the “rich” to over 100% or the non-rich to below 0% more the fairer.

Julia

Definition: The person living the ideal progressive life where no responsibility is taken, no risk is taken, the government perks are endless, you never see who pays for it, and the tyrannical hand of big-brother never makes it into the cartoon narrative.

Synonym: Sheep Antonym: Men

Citizens United

Definition: The ultimate evil Supreme Court decision (narrowly defeating Dred Scott) which expanded free speech, thus allowing those with money to, uh, speak freely.

SCOTUS

Definition: A delicious breakfast treat that goes well with English Breakfast tea and clotted crème. Conservatives prefer theirs in the traditional 9 pack, liberals enjoy up to 15.

Elizabeth Warren

Definition: An “Elizabeth Warren” is any brilliant scholar who both thinks we can fix the U.S. financial system simply by adding another giant bureaucracy with near unlimited power, and who can, by dancing vigorously in a circle, make it rain. Both equally as likely.

The IMF and/or the World Bank

Definition: Nobody knows. See SMERSH and CHAOS for similar definitions.

The European Financial Crisis

Definition: A complex multi-year dance whose sole purpose is to see how much money can be shaken out of the German middle-class.

Universal Health Care

Definition: The system formerly known as single payer.

Single payer Health Care

Definition: The system formerly known as socialized medicine.

Socialized Medicine

Definition: Something Democrats claim they don’t want, as they simply want Universal Health Care.

Nobel Peace Prize

Definition: A prize awarded to the left’s favorite person that year.

Antonym: Any prize having anything to do with actual Peace, or frankly accomplishment of any kind.

Stimulus

Definition: Taking money from current and future Americans to undertake projects that didn’t make sense before, don’t make sense now, will net cost jobs as the stimulus must be paid for privately, but since the job losses will be hidden, and the direct hires put on the evening news, might let those in charge keep their cushy jobs a bit longer.

World War II

Definition: Mainly important as proof that Keynesian stimulus works (side note: also led to defeat of Nazis and Imperial Japan). Since it is the only such “proof” ever, and we all have nuclear weapons now, different options are being considered for future stimuli. Actually, since World War II ending did not crash the economy as Keynesians predicted at the time, frankly we’re rethinking the whole thing.

Cash for Clunkers

Definition: What we came up to replace World War II as stimulus. Many perfectly good cars destroyed, no Nazis defeated.

Quantitative Easing

Definition: The act of printing pieces of paper to purchase other pieces of paper and thinking it matters at all for anything. See “dogs chasing cars” for related examples.

Austerity

Definition: Spending much more than ever before but slightly less than you had once thought you might spend which itself was a completely insane amount to spend.

Synonym: Profligacy

Paul Ryan

Definition: A “Paul Ryan” is a Hollywood monster which kills and devours old people simply by showing them a preliminary reasonable plan to grow spending slower than we currently are, while keeping any obligations already made to the elderly.

Grand Bargain

Definition: An agreement to raise taxes now while tacitly agreeing to waive the corresponding spending cuts later. Usually done in at least a 10:1 ratio as waiving 10x the future cuts is a particularly effective amount of waiving.

Reform

Definition: To make something (e.g., government) bigger, more intrusive, less efficient, and more dictatorial.

Bipartisan

Definition: We found one old sap from the other party dying for one last shot at relevance who will add his name to our highly partisan effort.

Dodd-Frank

Definition: A verb, to “Dodd-Frank” something is to use the perpetrators of a major crime to fix things for next time. Like taking ex-computer hackers and putting them in charge of your security (this example is not perfect as this might actually work). Used in a sentence: “We really Dodd-Franked that financial reform.”

See also “Searching for the real killers.”

Right Wing Extremist

Definition: Someone objecting in any way to left wing extremism.

Conservative

Definition: Moron

Liberal

Definition: A word that when applied to yourself conveys an instant halo of goodness that does not have to be justified with actions, logic, or even the slightest examination of what the policies you support have wrought. Works particularly well for rich hypocrites (Wall Street) and rich morons (Hollywood).

Progressive

Definition: A rebranding of “liberal” post-Dukakis, going back to an older word, that means essentially the same thing, but contains the very positive word “progress” within it, and the always welcome “ive” ending.

Libertarian

Definition: A philosophy held by annoying bastards who happen to be right about nearly everything. Fortunately, due to the frustration that comes with being right about nearly everything, in a world wrong about those same things, there are only 19 of them, and we’re going to find the bastards soon.

The Party of No

Definition: Legislators who are rightly demonized by the press and progressives for being elected to bring down the size of government and then actually trying to do so. Sons of bitches.

Synonyms: Obstructionists, Do-nothing Congress

The Buck Stops There

Definition: Something Barack Obama says about George W. Bush.

Foreign Policy

Definition: A process where the USA makes amends to the rest of the world for being more successful than them, footing many of their bills, and shedding our blood to keep them safer and freer.

Due Process

Definition: Something progressives get misty over when Henry Fonda is being denied it on the silver screen and when in power they deliver at the end of an explosive drone after Judge David Axelrod pronounces the target guilty.

Climate

Definition: A non-linear chaotic system that is a near-perfect example of something that is very very difficult, even using modern methods, to explain or forecast. This in no way takes away from the possible reasonableness of man-made climate change described below. Though, one might note, we get frustrated by weathermen as they can’t forecast the climate today.

Global Warming

Definition: What we now call “climate change”. Global warming was phased out as it also leads to things being too cold, and sometimes being just right. Mama Bear has been replaced with a highly volatile mix of all three bears.

Climate Change

Definition: The fact that over time the climate, uh, changes.

Man-Made Climate Change

Definition: The entirely reasonable idea that seven billion industrialized humans may be affecting the climate.

Krypton Seven Seconds Before Kal-El Was Launched Into Space

Definition: The stage liberals are certain the Earth is at.

Jor-El

Definition: Both a character once played by Marlon Brando and coincidentally the fictional character Al Gore pictures himself as. Nobody listened to Jor-El and look what happened! A fascinating additional coincidence is that when Brando was alive, Marlon and Al alone actually omitted ¼ of the USA’s greenhouse gases.

Infinity

Definition: The amount progressives will spend to combat man-made climate change without any assessment of the costs and benefits of these actions.

The Green Agenda

Definition: The additional use of man-made climate change, even if it’s fully true and it makes economic sense to sacrifice to fight it, to have government and its anointed priests take over much more of our lives. Any questioning of it is absolute proof of evil. Children must be indoctrinated in it in grade school before reading or writing or arithmetic. They must then be sent to spy on and lecture their parents.

Resistance is futile.

Ronald Reagan Definition: Right wing extremist President who kicked people off welfare which progressives said would be a holocaust, radically broadened free trade which progressives say has since killed American manufacturing, and whose administration perpetuated the horrible banking deregulation progressives say brought on the financial crisis.

Bill Clinton

Definition: The guy who actually did those things right above (though Reagan did some other cool
things). Oddly today’s Democrats insist that it’s Republicans who’ve changed and gotten “way more extreme” since the 1990s.

Trickle Down Economics

Definition: A brilliant marketing phrase for denigrating the truth: that a freer economy helps everyone. Not to be confused with “trickle up poverty” a perfect definition of socialism.

Democracy

Definition: An excellent form of government where if you can cobble together 51% of the people, by promising them other people’s stuff, or scaring them that you’ll take away their stuff, you can rule as a dictator. It is decidedly not the form of government originally chosen by the United States of America, which is a constitutional republic with limited government. Thankfully we’ve mostly done away with that nonsense.

Socialism

Definition: A word that is a hate crime if used about an American politician who wants us to be more like Europe. Or, alternatively, a word used by many European politicians to define themselves.

 

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Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:16 | 2565476 toady
toady's picture

Thank you!

I don't care about Asian woman driving, as long as they don't hit me, and I LOVE watching retarded kids do karate, HILARIOUS!

Other than that I'm right there with you!

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:56 | 2565642 kridkrid
kridkrid's picture

Bringing the heat.  Any post that is meant to offend almost anyone and still gets up voted on a 4-1 pace is gold.  Nice work.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:20 | 2565748 sessinpo
sessinpo's picture

Flawed thinking right from the definitions

"Limited government,"

"Yes, because right wing governments have done SUCH a great job executing this?"

 

That contradicts itself. Governement wouldn't be executing. However, I will give you on definition: personal responsibility.On personal responsibility I think you are correct. If citizens were personal responsible not only for themselves, but for government, it would be the citizens that would be executing (and that might include executing politicians).

 

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:41 | 2565353 Ancona
Ancona's picture

+1000

That's good stuff!

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:42 | 2565357 midtowng
midtowng's picture

When do we get a similar essay about translations of conservative thought by a non-conservative?

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:56 | 2565401 Ms. Erable
Ms. Erable's picture

Read a newspaper; watch TV. You get it 24/7 from either of those sources.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:19 | 2565494 homersimpson
homersimpson's picture

When the non-conservative can learn how to argue their point without resorting to his emotions when his logic fails.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:45 | 2565367 Snakeeyes
Snakeeyes's picture

Cliff was one of my students at University of Chicago. A truely brilliant guy.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:52 | 2565386 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

Makes sense since you're TRULY a dumbfuck.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:46 | 2565369 thad78
thad78's picture

If I were an Alien (and I would prob. be deemed so by many here) & read this piece, I would have nothing but contempt for the human race. If this piece rings too true, we deserve what has been forcast on ZH in spades.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:48 | 2565374 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

Assness can suk my ballz.

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:22 | 2565760 sessinpo
sessinpo's picture

You have ballz?

Wed, 06/27/2012 - 21:13 | 2567042 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

"Granger voted for the Authorization for Use of Military Force Against Iraq Resolution of 2002 that started the Iraq War."

http://www.sourcewatch.org/index.php?title=Kay_Granger

  • Voted YES on extending the PATRIOT Act's roving wiretaps. (Feb 2011)
  • Voted NO on requiring FISA warrants for wiretaps in US, but not abroad. (Mar 2008)
  • Voted NO on Veto override: Congressional oversight of CIA interrogations. (Mar 2008)
  • Voted YES on removing need for FISA warrant for wiretapping abroad. (Aug 2007)
  • Voted YES on restricting no-bid defense contracts. (Mar 2007)
  • Voted YES on allowing electronic surveillance without a warrant. (Sep 2006)
  • Voted YES on continuing intelligence gathering without civil oversight. (Apr 2006)
  • Voted YES on federalizing rules for driver licenses to hinder terrorists. (Feb 2005)
  • Voted YES on continuing military recruitment on college campuses. (Feb 2005)
  • Voted YES on supporting new position of Director of National Intelligence. (Dec 2004)
  • Voted YES on adopting the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission. (Oct 2004)
  • Voted YES on emergency $78B for war in Iraq & Afghanistan. (Apr 2003)
  • Voted YES on permitting commercial airline pilots to carry guns. (Jul 2002)
  • Voted YES on $266 billion Defense Appropriations bill. (Jul 1999)
  • Voted YES on deploying SDI. (Mar 1999)
  • http://www.ontheissues.org/TX/Kay_Granger.htm

    can't have it both ways Kay, your man Bush was king of "signing statements" - and you were all over his Iraqi War lies.   hope you saved some of that massive salary you get for "voting."  Patriot.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:50 | 2565378 Piranhanoia
    Piranhanoia's picture

    Better to be quiet than to open mouth and remove all doubt

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:50 | 2565380 Segestan
    Segestan's picture

    Foreign Policy

    Definition: A process where the USA makes amends to the rest of the world for being more successful than them, footing many of their bills, and shedding our blood to keep them safer and freer.................Yep... 10 years in Vietnam , 52,000+ dead......and then they send most every industry to the communist.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:51 | 2565384 dick cheneys ghost
    dick cheneys ghost's picture

    War on Terror

    Definition: Massive Trillion $ per year Corporate Welfare for the MIC

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:07 | 2565689 pods
    pods's picture

    Freedom

    Slogan used to blindfold the muppets so they do not see how fucked they really are.

    When blindfold starts to wear thin, see False Flag.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:55 | 2565394 dick cheneys ghost
    dick cheneys ghost's picture

    PetroDollar

     

    Definition: Massive redistribution of wealth from the poorest countries to the Wall St Banks/Oil Cartel

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:55 | 2565397 Uncle Remus
    Uncle Remus's picture

    I have concluded that "May you live in interesting times" translates to waking up in America everyday knowing that with obscene regularity, there will be a perverse and likely felonious full-spectrum assault on, well, damn near everything that at one time might have been considered "reasonable" whilst simultaneously answering the first fully formed conscious thought of the day:

    Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:55 | 2565398 buzzsaw99
    buzzsaw99's picture

    If we had a capitalistic system there would be a bounty on people like the author.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:24 | 2565771 sessinpo
    sessinpo's picture

    Or yourself or with anyone with an opinion. However, we try to a nation of laws and are apparently failing dramatically.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:56 | 2565399 californiagirl
    californiagirl's picture

    Racist: Anyone that disagrees with Nancy Pelosi

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:10 | 2565449 Hedgetard55
    Hedgetard55's picture

    Racist: anyone who sees Choomboy for the disaster he is, unless they are black, in which case they are "Uncle Toms".

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:56 | 2565400 dick cheneys ghost
    dick cheneys ghost's picture

    Free Trade Agreements

     

    Definition: Fuck You Middle Class

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:58 | 2565405 Jena
    Jena's picture

    OT: Just because I want to put this somewhere, here's an opinion piece on cnn.com on how we shouldn't be so nosy about Fast & Furious:

    http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/26/opinion/granderson-fast-furious/index.html?iref=allsearch

     

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 12:59 | 2565406 BlackholeDivestment
    BlackholeDivestment's picture

    1%

    ...of Zero Interest is beyond the event horizon, sealed in the black hole.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0ZVI9CFIqc&feature=related

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:06 | 2565431 W10321303
    W10321303's picture

    Definition: Nihilistic Sociopath - Right-wing Prussian Speculator who deludes himself that his is amusing.....duhhhhh

    Robert Mundell, evil genius of the euro

    For the architect of the euro, taking macroeconomics away from elected politicians and forcing deregulation were part of the plan

    The idea that the euro has "failed" is dangerously naive. The euro is doing exactly what its progenitor – and the wealthy 1%-ers who adopted it – predicted and planned for it to do.

    That progenitor is former University of Chicago economist Robert Mundell. The architect of "supply-side economics" is now a professor at Columbia University, but I knew him through his connection to my Chicago professor, Milton Friedman, back before Mundell's research on currencies and exchange rates had produced the blueprint for European monetary union and a common European currency.

    "It's very hard to fire workers in Europe," he complained. His answer: the euro.

    The euro would really do its work when crises hit, Mundell explained. Removing a government's control over currency would prevent nasty little elected officials from using Keynesian monetary and fiscal juice to pull a nation out of recession.

    "It puts monetary policy out of the reach of politicians," he said. "[And] without fiscal policy, the only way nations can keep jobs is by the competitive reduction of rules on business."

    That doesn't bother Mundell. For him, the euro wasn't about turning Europe into a powerful, unified economic unit. It was about Reagan and Thatcher.

    "Ronald Reagan would not have been elected president without Mundell's influence," once wrote Jude Wanniski in the Wall Street Journal. The supply-side economics pioneered by Mundell became the theoretical template for Reaganomics – or as George Bush the Elder called it, "voodoo economics": the magical belief in free-market nostrums that also inspired the policies of Mrs Thatcher.

    The crisis in Europe and the flames of Greece have produced the warming glow of what the supply-siders' philosopher-king Joseph Schumpeter called "creative destruction". Schumpeter acolyte and free-market apologist Thomas Friedman flew to Athens

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:45 | 2565603 NotApplicable
    NotApplicable's picture

    I agree with everything you say about the Euro's success as a tool of destruction. As for Schumpeter's creative destruction, and Maggie's free-market nostrums though, I'd say a bit of clarification is in order to separate the free-market notions from those that are non-free.

    What is going on in Europe (so far) is exactly opposite of Schumpeter's creative destruction, as everything happening to date is an attempt to prevent the destruction the system will inevitability encounter. Now, you've likely noticed I agreed with you that the Euro is a tool of destruction, but it is not the "free-market" tool as put forth by Schumpeter.

    Using the theories of Schumpeter to describe non-market forces upon a market is of little value, unless one wants to discredit them via a straw-man (a claim I'm NOT making of you, BTW). As for Maggie, I'd say she, like Reagan, were doing what they were told to do (working to discredit free-markets while pretending/believing they were championing them).

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:01 | 2566592 Lednbrass
    Lednbrass's picture

    Prussian speculator? What?

    Nothing Prussian about that guy, judging by your statement you wouldnt know a Prussian if one impaled you on his Pickelhaube.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:10 | 2565453 Toolshed
    Toolshed's picture

    Wow! Quite the satirical jab at liberals everywhere. I completely understand the sarcasm, since conservatives have performed soooo much better than liberals have.

    /sarc off

    OK, let's face it.......both liberal and conservative politicians and activists suck so hard that it has become very hard to tell them apart and impossible to differentiate between the outcomes of their policies. Anyone still rooting for EITHER side is a complete idiot, has an agenda, or in most cases, both.

     

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:38 | 2565509 Mercury
    Mercury's picture

    You haven't corrected for the fact that your perceptions are from the vantage point of a train that has been moving leftward for a long time. Granted, there isn't much daylight between Democrats and Republicans these days but that's mostly because Republicans have been moving to the left at a greater rate than Democrats and have almost caught up with them. The Republican presidential candidate authored a government healthcare mandate for crying out loud. Soon, as is the case with their UK counterparts, Dems and the GOP will squabble over things like whether the VAT should be 22% or 23%.

    Believe it or not Americans are living in a society poised on the brink of a near total progressive victory. They just haven't figured out that this is about as good as things get on this track.  A post-victory progressive society looks like...Europe.

    "Conservative" is an archaic term in American politics as there isn't really that much left of the original political system to conserve.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:49 | 2565618 Toolshed
    Toolshed's picture

    Sadly, you missed my point completely. Screw the idealogical differences between conservatives and liberals. It no longer matters. Both parties "work" for the same boss.....the 1% (for lack of a better label). This fact has become obvious and if you can't see that, then you need to take off your partisan blinders and look again. Also, this is NOT a recent development.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:42 | 2565825 Mercury
    Mercury's picture

    Of course "conservative" and "liberal" differences matter but these are both relative terms (the constitution itself is actually a masterpiece of classical liberalism). If anything, Europe's anti-austerity socialists are conservatives in the sense that they want to conserve their entitlements and lifestyles.

    To boil your point down a bit more and perhaps identify some common ground: if the government wasn't so vast and powerful there wouldn't be much for the evil 1% to buy in the first place. This is hardly a novel insight and  the authors of the US constitution outlined a limited government with limited powers for this very reason and others like it. But there isn't much of that structure left to conserve anymore. American "conservatives" today can mostly hope to conserve other things...which many of us aren't wild about and can't find in the constitution.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:26 | 2565521 toady
    toady's picture

    I know, so very tiresome, right?

    Take a bunch of trending political buzz words and write some snide retorts. I want my 2 minutes back!

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:52 | 2565632 NotApplicable
    NotApplicable's picture

    You should've quit reading near the top, like I did.

    As for the left/right divide. This list could easily be rewritten for "the other side" merely by changing the names of the targeted groups and/or form of violence needed to "persuade" them.

    This shit's stupid all right; for a reason.

    Logic and statism are wholly incompatible thought processes.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:15 | 2565470 Spastica Rex
    Spastica Rex's picture

    I have a right to consume the entire world if I've earned enough to buy it.

    Nom, nom, nom.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:57 | 2566727 potlatch
    potlatch's picture

    at a certain level, right, you realize the currency turns to your own life?  You cannot buy your way out of some grabs you may make.  The guillotine is always there, buddy.

     

    But shall we draw the line at the good Mr. Creosote?  Oh heavens, no; this is piker territory, I fear.  Some of them are already planning to simply become large, cancerous facility/persons.  If you let hte tissue just keep growing, it can be diverted away from vital tissue. 

    Of course, the rate of growth...does not slow, it...accelerates.  It is estimated, within 5 years, some of the "Out-Growthers" -- the new basis for a new real economy -- will have tissue annexes that occupy facilties the size of hundreds of football fields... 

     

     

     

    The land has already been purchased.  Look at the records... the names....

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 21:28 | 2567076 Spastica Rex
    Spastica Rex's picture

    Bravo. Or Brava.

    +1

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:20 | 2565495 Benjamin Glutton
    Benjamin Glutton's picture

    Cliff Assness channels Bush,Bernays and Milton Friedman for your reading pleasure.

     

    Fast and Furious - Fascists are Furious

     

     

     

     


    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:20 | 2565496 silverserfer
    silverserfer's picture

    Hedge Fund Managers- Cankerous money whores who who leach off socety and pimp their mothers in exchange for  tour issue golf clubs.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:31 | 2565505 LawsofPhysics
    LawsofPhysics's picture

    Will he also do a "Cliff notes for FASCIST AMERICA?"

    Funny, no mention of "socialization of losses" or definition for "taxpayer funded bailout" -  FAIL.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:49 | 2566720 potlatch
    potlatch's picture

    he's doing a reverse jakoff smirnoff "In progressive America, you pay job!"

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:30 | 2565538 Police Commissi...
    Police Commissioner Jacobs's picture

    Satire has historically been used as a tool by the underclasses to attack the wealthy. When the wealthy use it on the poor, it's just mean...and sorry, but conservatives just aren't funny.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:01 | 2565665 NotApplicable
    NotApplicable's picture

    Limousine liberals are hardly "poor."

    Well, except when I refer to "Poor Mr. Soros," the philanthropist without a soul.

     

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 22:13 | 2567139 Dr. Sandi
    Dr. Sandi's picture

    Yeah, but the problem with Soros is that he's about a funny as herpes. What the hell can you say about him that's going to get laughs from the average person?

    For comedy, pick a target with some power and public recognition, but who doesn't disgust on contact. There has to be a conflict between image and action.

    Soros is just too slimy to push the hee hee button in most of us, unless somebody splats him full-face with a weasel shit pie or something.

    Obama is great fun because the guy has more skeletons in his closet than Jeffrey Dahmer. His lovely wife, not such a good target, except occasionally when she shows her space alien tendencies.

    Romney? Hell the guy has a comedy target painted on him. As do as his 8 wives. Shit, Romney is just too easy.

    Bill Clinton? I'm thinking the late night hosts conspired to get the guy elected. TWICE. Talk about conflicted. And then there's Bill's lovely overlord, Hillary. Shit, you don't have to dream up sitcom plots with these people out loose in the world.

    Okay, now, let's make fun of the poor bastard who leverages his 8 to 5 job with a mortgage and loses employment and house. The boffo yucks are a little harder to find when you skewer THIS guy in front of middle America. Probably because, unlike Roboma, this guy IS middle America. And it probably doesn't matter how insane his poor, long-suffering wife or uncontrollable kids are.

    On the other hand, if the guy is Ozzie Osborne instead, now you have something people can enjoy and giggle about.

    Laughter is the sound you hear when the conscious mind rubs up against the unconscious mind.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:30 | 2565540 W10321303
    W10321303's picture

    Definition - Crypto-Facist - Johseph Goebbels, 'Tell the BIGGEST lie you can think of over and over and the sheep will believe it'

    I’m dwelling on the spectacular failure of Latvia in part because readers like the writings of Michael Hudson, but more important, because a major push is on to reimage the implosion of that economy as some sort of success, not unlike the claims the Chicago Boys made for their efforts in Chile. It also doesn’t hurt that this account, which is a considerably expanded version of a recent Financial Times op-ed, is vivid and pointed. www.nakedcapitalism.com)

    By Michael Hudson and Jeffery Sommers, a distinguished professor at the University of Missouri-Kansas City and associate professor at the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee respectively, who have both advised members of Latvia’s government on alternatives to austerity. They are also contributors to the forthcoming book by Routledge Press: The Contradictions of Austerity: The Socio-Economic Costs of the Neoliberal Baltic Model. Cross posted from Counterpunch by permission of the authors

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:50 | 2565623 PulpCutter
    PulpCutter's picture

    Please, lets have more lists of political lies and half-truths from hedge fund managers, to distract us while they steal everything that isn't nailed down.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:34 | 2565545 ATG
    ATG's picture

    This hedge quant may have too much time on his hands to profit or produce.

    Is it too much to hope the Roberts Court will deep six 0Care in its entirety?

    If SCOTUS does not, this hopeful market rally since 4 June 2012 may be in deep Jeopardy with a sudden unexpected heart attack:

    Puts bought when things look brightest can be a girl's best friend:

    RichCash@RichCash8 Twitter

    http://richcash8tradeblog.blogspot.com/ 

     

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:37 | 2565564 reason_1
    reason_1's picture

    Priceless

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:43 | 2565593 twocents
    twocents's picture

    Progressive / liberal: Somebody who thinks they can act like a dictator as long as they give themselves a flufffy-sounding namethat implies to people this is somehow a good thing. Normally resorts to shouting, crying and name calling when confronted with a logical argument.

    Political Correctness: The attempt to control other's thought and make them agree with your world view by limiting speech and pretending that this is somehow 'liberal' - see above and also 'mindfuck'.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:57 | 2565644 NotApplicable
    NotApplicable's picture

    I used to be a Liberal, until I saw what was being liberated.

    I used to be a Conservative, until I saw what was being conserved.

    I used to be a Progressive, until I saw what where we were progressing.

    Today? I've sworn off my violent ways, determined to live amongst others peacefully, for once.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:44 | 2566691 potlatch
    potlatch's picture

    I've decided to not pay attention to any good and/or service that does not remain constant > a century mark.  So: I read old books, buy old metals, and live in an old house in and old city.  And everything is unbelievably peaceful in my life.

    US electoral politics is just another form of mass media garbage info and experience blow-up; anyone educated has known this since the mid 20th century, on *either* political spectrum, if we must even offer that codicil, having thus condemned the entire rotten and/or farcical thing itself.

     

    Now, if you want to talk about actual deployed and logistically impermeable tonnages of national navies, now *that's* politics I can discuss rationally.

    Everything else is kiddie politics, a sideshow, a deal where really, all that counts is what your guy or gal brings home to your district, bottom fuckin line, and everything else is some wierd tribal dance I have neither the patience nor taste for.

     

    And a note to Cliff: humor works when it skewers in mutiple directions at once; yours is one-dimensional, so, I would suggest you take it to the next level, and learn to be more than a can-kicker for the conservative county fair route.  pays nice, but come on man.  pride in trade, dude, pride in trade!

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 21:56 | 2567118 Dr. Sandi
    Dr. Sandi's picture

    Now I know who writes Dennis Miller's stuff these days.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:47 | 2565604 crawldaddy
    crawldaddy's picture

    so ironic that a douchebag quant hedgefunder seems to have a problem with people spending other peoples money.  What the fuck asshat, look in the mirror.

    This article isnt even witty, its just sad.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:58 | 2565652 NotApplicable
    NotApplicable's picture

    Pushed your buttons though, it appears. So it isn't like it's a wasted effort on his part.

    IDNJY

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 13:57 | 2565645 lizzy36
    lizzy36's picture

    Sorry anyone that thinks Citizen United is a postive decision is a moron in my mind. Elections are auctions and Judges are bought and paid for. What an awesome decision.

    Socialism - so that is why the Bank CEO's who were collectively responsible for bringing the world to the brink in 2008, got bailed out, DIDN'T go on to make on average about $50-$75m a piece over the last 4 years. I guess Capitalism is what is applied to the bottom 50%.

    I despise the labelling that is occuring here and once again the use of Paradigm to divide people.

    Is personal responsibility lacking in this society - absofuckinglutely.

    But it would seem to me that Angilo Mozilo didn't accept "personal responsibility" for his role in the subprime meltdown. He walked with almost $1 Billion. Did all the politicians who were sponsored by Mozilo or participed in his "friends of" program accept responsibility? No they did not. The responsibility for the epic failures of Mozilo and the politicians generally accurred to the millions who lost their homes. Were they complicit when they lied to get mortgages, or bought a house they couldn't afford, or took a helco out to buy a bunch of crap....YES they were complicit. But why is it they suffered all the consequences for the failure of so many?

    Cliff Asness can take his unique brand of fiction and go fuck himself. I am so tired of this crap. 

     

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:18 | 2565728 Colonial Intent
    Colonial Intent's picture

    Look,

    Left or right, north or south rich or poor, we all know the crash of civilisation is coming.

    I had hoped it would happen after my death but apparently not, its going to happen in our lifetime and we get to be the ones who live(?) thru it.

    The best weapon/resource you have is located inside your own skull.

    This whole arguing over rules and sides will be irrelevant once survival rules take over as society breaks down.

    Some wall st cunt making jokes about people being too stupid to get rich from moral corruption is not funny, the look on his face as the people from main st stand him on a chair next to the lampost will be tho.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:20 | 2565749 earleflorida
    earleflorida's picture

    Classic, Mark Russell satire! LMAO :-))

    thanks cliff

    Ps. you do... play the piano?

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:32 | 2565809 Abrick
    Abrick's picture

    There is a reason Quant rhymes with Cunt.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:32 | 2565810 Abrick
    Abrick's picture

    There is a reason Quant rhymes with Cunt.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:38 | 2565844 Zymurguy
    Zymurguy's picture

    Invest in our future:  We're going to tax the shit out of you so we can blow more of it on bullshit bureacracies and give it away to special interest corporations regardless of their viability, oh, and we'll give even more away to those who won't get off their fat asses and get a job.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:40 | 2565856 Zymurguy
    Zymurguy's picture

    Reduce Revenues:  Those rare occaisions where a tax or fee is actaully reduced or eliminated and we take less of your money away.  Don't worry though, this doesn't happen often and we'll figure out some other way to fuck you by "investing in our future" (see above).

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:49 | 2565887 akak
    akak's picture

    What is wrong with you, are you some kind of anti-government extremist who is trying to ferment rebellion and anarchy?

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 14:58 | 2565918 AchtungAffen
    AchtungAffen's picture

    Wow, what a bunch of BS. Someone's a little too distracted with smoke and mirrors of the American faux political spectrum

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:34 | 2566677 potlatch
    potlatch's picture

    you can always tell the dudes who still can't let go of their college days, and the political arguments they had over many a bottle of jager.  we've all been there, be easy on em.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 17:15 | 2566452 NaN
    NaN's picture

    Left vs. Right is more about team mentality and rationale than good governance and rationality.  In other words, politics is a team sport.

    A timely and revealing article on this idea: 

    Unpopular Mandate

    For more information, look at:

    ((Those of us who refuse to belong to any political party knew this all along...))

     

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:06 | 2566598 janus
    janus's picture

    how about something that is neither left, right nor center?...something new.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRU6tQdyYqQ

    thanks, Flying Circus!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EPfmNxKLDG4

    let's make it our baby,

    janus

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:26 | 2566647 potlatch
    potlatch's picture

    How quaint; a political screed.  Does anyone think these lingos actually pull any real levers anymore, except electorally?

     

    I mean, "The most amazing live fetus you have ever seen" exists as a carnival bark, so it possesses that value, but it, you know, only is a lever on the midway.

     

    Is ZH a midway?  Who even thinks left/right or liberal/conservative? 

    Tell me this, Cliff: do you also follow professional wrestling, and get "personally invested" in it?

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 21:54 | 2567116 Dr. Sandi
    Dr. Sandi's picture

    If a midway is defined by its freak show, then hell yes, ZH is a world class midway.

    And I like to think of MYSELF as "The most amazing live fetus you have ever seen." Also, the most mature.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:34 | 2566674 sethco
    sethco's picture

    What a cunt this Assness is.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 21:51 | 2567111 Dr. Sandi
    Dr. Sandi's picture

    This stuff's so funny, I laughed SOMEBODY ELSE'S ass off.

    What kind of a cunt uses cunt as a derogatory term. You'd think that the object of most men's conscious and unconscious thoughts would get more respect.

    Now PRICK, that's a nice derogatory term. It used to be in vogue before public misogyny made a comeback during the collapse.

    Let's see more pricks and less cunts when we hack somebody a new one.

    Fewer people are dreaming of pricks than they are cunts, so it just makes sense to give cunts better lip service than pricks. At least to a cunning linguist like myself.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 18:38 | 2566675 sethco
    sethco's picture

    His opinion matters because he has alot of dough, which he makes through the financial equivalent of an endless Bukake film.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 19:15 | 2566780 Ckierst1
    Ckierst1's picture

    Cliff, this is good stuff but you need to define "nazi" also.  I think it's been evolving, kinda like the US Constitution.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 20:35 | 2566963 divide_by_zero
    divide_by_zero's picture

    It's the right thing to do

    We're gonna tax the living shit out of the middle class and give it to the bankers

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 20:47 | 2566984 sethco
    sethco's picture

    Assness and his kind are financial pornographers. What they do is technically legal; within the letter of the law, if not the spirit. They have turned our markets into Annabel Chong. Look it up.

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 20:50 | 2566991 CRBull
    CRBull's picture

    I'm truly amazed at how many people here still toe the party line...  Defending one side or the other, as if there was a difference.  Interesting.... 

    Wed, 06/27/2012 - 22:59 | 2567228 Lord Koos
    Lord Koos's picture

    Thanks for your divisive contribution.

    Sat, 07/07/2012 - 09:22 | 2594548 Steve in Greensboro
    Steve in Greensboro's picture

    New liberal government program

    Definition: a policy which will worsen a bad situation that you didn't think could possibly get any worse (e.g.: Obamacare, Dodd-Frank, etc.) the purpose of which is to create voter demand for the next "new liberal government program". See also "Infinite Regression".

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