The Onion

Cutting Through The Crap: The Ultimate Clinton-Trump Policy Cheatsheet

Amid the sound and fury of the presidential campaigns, one thing that is crucially unimportant appears to be policies... but in case you need to actually understand the actual differences between 'the crook' and 'hitler' actually are, HSBC has provided a handy cheatsheet...

Presidential Nominees Unveil New Campaign Buttons

"It's the other side's fault..." Seriously, it’s about time these jerks on the other side of the political spectrum woke the hell up and started having the exact same background, experiences, and upbringing as me...

Michelle Obama Takes A Shot At "Make America Great Again"

"Don’t let someone tell you this country isn’t great - that we need to make it great again. Because, right now, this country is the greatest country on Earth." or “Well, that was a colossal waste of my time,” said Obama with an air of weary irritation before reminding the audience she had been 45 years old at her husband’s inauguration and now she was “fifty-fucking-two.”

The Market For Lemons, The Market For Bullshit, And The Great Cascading Credence Crash Of 2016

The underlying problem is, I think, a very strange one. But it’s a risk faced by any society that both undergoes rapid technological change, and contains organized interest groups. (Formal or informal.) Something really bad is happening to all our bullshit. In fact, I’ve begun to worry that there’s actually a sort of crash or cascading failure going on in the bullshit market. If there is, I think it’s driven, as previous bullshit crashes were, by changing technology.

"Giant Meteor For President" In Virtual Tie With Trump & Hillary Among Independents

In what has become a presidential race based almost solely on scorn for the candidates, the establishment, fraud at the polls — and, hell, the entirely stale and wholly rigged electoral process — it’s clear no one will win in the traditional meaning of the word. While third party candidates have experienced growing success in the dearth of acceptable duopoly offerings, a dark horse has emerged. According to Public Policy Polling, ‘Giant Meteor for President’ now ranks as a serious contender — garnering “far more support than the third party candidates actually on the ballot.”

The Elites Have Lost The Right To Rule

They came from the dark, corrupt and hopelessly deranged policies of the status quo. The same status quo that remains in power to this very day. The sooner we rid ourselves of this societally cancerous tumor the better, because the longer it takes to move on to something else, the more negative that something else is likely to be.

Not 'The Onion' - Why Elections Are Bad For Democracy

"Elections are the fossil fuel of politics. Whereas once they gave democracy a huge boost, much as oil did for our economies, it now turns out they cause colossal problems of their own. If we don’t urgently reconsider the nature of our democratic fuel, a systemic crisis awaits. If we obstinately hold on to a notion of democracy that reduces its meaning to voting in elections and referendums, at a time of economic malaise, we will undermine the democratic process."

Friday Humor: FBI Ends Muslim-American Surveillance After 15-Year Study Of "Beautiful Culture"

“Thanks to advances in video surveillance, we’ve been able to look inside Muslims’ homes and view some breathtaking calligraphy prints and handwoven tapestries.” Saying they thoroughly enjoyed studying “such a lovely people and such a lovely faith,” Comey explained that agents would often remove a Muslim citizen from their community and keep them detained for days, weeks, or even months on end to learn everything they could from them about Islam.