The Onion

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Humpday Humor: Truth Is Stranger Than 'The Onion'





 
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Is This Complacency, Idiocy, Or Both?





How can it be implied that the markets are too fragile to deal with an unexpected raise of interest rates to (gasp) 1/4 of 1%, if all the “data” we were told (or sold) has been showing signs of all this “improvement?” The question still remains: How does any Ivory Tower prognosticator, or Wall Street talking head, square all these circles? Simple – they don’t. They just act as if it they didn’t or won’t happen. Or, just continue to act as if we’re too dumb to answer. This is complacency, idiocy, and more – all turned up to 11!

 
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Fact Or Fiction: Donald Trump Presidential Candidate Profile





Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Here are some key facts to know about Trump...

 
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Fact Or Fiction: Obama Not Ruling Out U.S. Military Action In Congress





Following years of continued fighting and disorder in the troubled region, President Barack Obama revealed today that he has not ruled out taking immediate and decisive military action in the United States Congress. As conditions worsen by the day, the president confirmed to reporters that he and his military advisors are currently evaluating the merits of a military option, suggesting that his administration has left open the possibility of toppling the hostile, unpredictable leadership currently reigning over the legislative assembly and restoring order to the Capitol building. "We cannot stand idly by and allow this senseless mayhem to continue,” the president continued.

 
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Experts Agree - Best Option Now: Keep America As Comfortable As Possible Till End





Saying there were no other options remaining and that continued intervention would only prolong the nation’s suffering, experts concluded Tuesday that the best course of action is to keep the United States as comfortable as possible until the end. “At a time like this, it’s completely understandable to wish for some kind of 11th-hour miracle, but expecting the U.S. to somehow magically return to the way it was in its prime isn’t healthy or realistic.”

 
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How To Spot A Bubble





Although a slew of ‘experts’ say the darndest things (e.g.Bloomberg ‘Intelligence’s Carl Riccadonna: “You had equity markets benefit from QE, but eventually QE also jump-started the broader recovery.. Ultimately everyone’s benefiting.”), we can’t get rid of this one other nagging question: who needs an expert to tell them that today’s markets are riddled with bubbles, given that they are the size of obese gigantosauruses about to pump out quadruplets?

 
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Fed Mouthpiece Jon Hilsenrath Furious "Stingy" US Consumers Refuse To Buy The "Recovery" Propaganda





Dear American Consumer,

This is The Wall Street Journal. We’re writing to ask if something is bothering you. The sun shined in April and you didn’t spend much money. You have been saving more too. You socked away 5.6% of your income in April after taxes, even more than in March. This saving is not like you. What’s up?...  The Federal Reserve is counting on you too. Fed officials want to start raising the cost of your borrowing because they worry they’ve been giving you a free ride for too long with zero interest rates. We listen to Fed officials all of the time here at The Wall Street Journal, and they just can’t figure you out.

 
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The "Revolving Door" Goes Full Retard: SEC Hires Goldmanite Who Previously Worked At The SEC





Just when you thought the US regulators may have finally become less tone deaf to the shame of the revolving door, especially following last year's latest scandal confirming Goldman runs the New York Fed (and every other central bank), here comes the SEC with an absolute shocker, not only proving once and for all that when it comes to regulatory capture, there is nobody in charge quite like Lloyd Blankfein, but unveiling what may have been the first ever double revolving door in SEC history, after the SEC announced it had hired as its new chief of staff a former Goldman worker who had previously worked at... the SEC. And with that the we have gone not only full circle but full retard as well.

 
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Deflation Works!





Threatened with deflation, the authorities will want to turn the tide in the worst possible way. What’s the worst way to stop deflation? With hyperinflation. Yes, we may suffer a year or two more of sluggish growth... or even deflation. Stocks will crash and people will be desperate for paper dollars. But sooner or later, the feds will find their feet and lose their heads. Most likely, the credit-drenched world of 2015 will end... not in a whimper of deflation, but in a bang. Hyperinflation will bring the long depression to a dramatic close long before a quarter of a century has passed.

 
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Entire Treasury Department Competes For Same Goldman Sachs Job Opening





“Within just minutes of listing the open position on our jobs page, the flood of applications from treasury.gov email addresses started rolling in, and it hasn’t slowed down since,”

 
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Turkish Student Sentenced To Prison For Retweeting Satirical Article





With Turkish enforcement now granted a green light to detain anyone, for any reason, the next inevitable crackdown was only a matter of time - that on free speech. Overnight we got a vivid example of just that when a university student in southern Turkey has been handed a one-year suspended sentence for retweeting a satirical article about a governor from Zaytung, a mock news portal in Turkey, daily Cumhuriyet has reported.

 
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Money Printing And The Bane Of Financial Engineering - How The Biggest LBO In History Blew-Up





Financial engineering is one of the worst ills perpetuated by the Fed’s regime of cheap debt and money market subsidies for speculation. And these deformations are turbo-charged by the tax code which creates a powerful bias toward loading capital structures with tax deductible debt, and to delivering returns as lightly taxed capital gains rather than ordinary income. In fact, stock buybacks and LBOs are the bastard offspring of the IRS and Federal Reserve.

 
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Saturday Satire: Candidate Profile - Hillary Clinton





Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans. Here are some key things to know about the first Democrat to declare her candidacy...

 
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Japan Admits Fabricating 2014 Wage Growth Data





At this point calling Japan a failed Keynesian banana republic is an insult to banana republics everywhere.

 
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Federal Agents Investigating Bitcoin Money Laundering Extorted, Stole Over $1 Million In Bitcoin





This is one of those sad times when The Onion realizes it has badly, and permanently, missed its IPO window.

 
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