The Onion

Tyler Durden's picture

Wall Street Firm Unleashes New High-Frequency Impropriety Algo





“In the past, if one of our brokers wanted to exploit a questionably legal regulatory loophole or breach the covenant of good faith with an investment client, that would require hours of manually contravening the basic principles of professional integrity. But this innovative system will allow millions of such transgressions to go through every single day. Going forward, I expect this revolutionary program to be the cornerstone of our business.”

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Apple Unveils World-Changing Wrist-Band - Live Feed





Judging by the euphoric exaggeration and fanboyism on mainstream media this morning, today's Apple Watch (not iWatch, definitely not iWatch) unveiling promises to be "world-changing" for the 'wearables' industry (as well as numerous "first time ever..." comments). Of course, there are 'watches' on the market already, but as Reuters Jason Fields 'jokes', the Apple Watch, of course, does more. The face is high resolution and in color. It even has apps that allow you to do a few of the things you’d be able to do if only you could muster the strength to dig your hand into the front pocket of your jeans, or do a little digging in your handbag.

 
Tyler Durden's picture

The Weirdest Thing You'll See Today





Government interference gone mad... "Do It For Denmark"

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Former CIA Head Pleads Guilty To Mishandling Classified Information, Faces Year In Prison





In a 'ripped from The Onion'-esque headline, WSJ reports that David Petraeus - the former director of the US Central Intelligence Agency - will plead guilty to a charge of mishandling classified information. The reitred military general, whose career was cut short by a very public affair with his biographer, reached a plea deal over sharing unauthorized information with her, in order to avoid an embarrassing trial. To summarize, the man trusted with all of the America's most secret secrets just plead guilty to pillow-talk-sharing of classified information...

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Fact Or Fiction: Raytheon CEO To Obama "It's Getting Out Of Hand In Libya"





Using the subject heading “you should definitely check this out,” Thomas A. Kennedy, CEO of the defense contractor Raytheon, reportedly emailed President Obama today with yet another link to an article detailing mounting tensions in Libya...

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Thursday Humor: The Pros & Cons Of Fracking





Gas prices are plummeting across America thanks in part to the country doubling its daily oil exports, which is made possible by chemical fracturing technology that scientists have said wreaks havoc on the environment. Here are some pros and cons of fracking:

 
Tyler Durden's picture

How Police Are Revamping Their Tactics





In the wake of widespread protests against police brutality and discrimination, law enforcement departments across the country are instituting new rules and policies to ensure safer practices. Here are some of the ways departments are reforming their training, tactics, and management in light of scrutiny...

 
Tyler Durden's picture

North Korea Internet, Cell Phones Go Dark





Do you see what happens Larry, when you, supposedly, use all of your crack 16MHz 80286 supercomputers to dictate to Americans what C-grade comedy flops they can and can not watch?

 
Tyler Durden's picture

2014 Year In Review (Part 2): Will 2015 Be The Year It All Comes Tumbling Down?





Despite the authorities' best efforts to keep everything orderly, we know how this global Game of Geopolitical Tetris ends: "Players lose a typical game of Tetris when they can no longer keep up with the increasing speed, and the Tetriminos stack up to the top of the playing field. This is commonly referred to as topping out."

"I’m tired of being outraged!"

 
Tyler Durden's picture

5 Million Illegal Immigrants To Realize Dreams Of Slightly Less Uncertainty





“When I came to this country 11 years ago, it was in the hope that one day, if I worked hard enough, I could be granted a temporary, tenuous reprieve from the threat of being forcefully removed,”

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Friday Humor: How Ebola Quarantine Works





Remember, it's for your own good...

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Pentagon Approves Mandatory 21-Day Quarantine Of US Troops Returning From Ebola Missions





As President Obama explained yesterday, "it's different this time" for the military. And sure enough, while non-symptomatic civilians can come and go around the world in the hopes that they do not become symptomatic following potential contact with Ebola patients, Chuch Hagel has ordered a 21-day mandatory quarantine for all US troops returning from West Africa. The use of the 'q' word is clearly against White House protocols and so The Pentagon refers to it as "controlled monitoring" but, as AFP reports, Hagel calls it a "prudent" measure to prevent the spread of the deadly disease - which just this morning the WHO said had topped 13,000 cases worldwide.

 
Tyler Durden's picture

Worried About "Ebolas On A Plane"? Five Things To Know





Given our previous comments that "air traffic is the driver," it is perhaps not surprising that the Obama administration announced Wednesday that airline passengers arriving from the three West African countries experiencing an unprecedented Ebola outbreak will now be screened for potential exposure to the deadly disease when they arrive at five major U.S. airports. The screening will include having their temperatures taken. As AP's Alicia Caldwell explains, here are five things you need to know about the screenings...

 
Tyler Durden's picture

How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola





This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some recommendations from The Onion on how you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:

 
Syndicate content
Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!