The Onion

After months of legislating soda sizes and steak rarenesses it seems the food police have finally met their match. As The Daily Currant "reports", in protest over the proposed soda ban in NY, the owners of Collegno's Pizzeria in Brooklyn refused to serve Mayor Michael Bloomberg a second slice of pizza during an informal lunch meeting. Ripped from the scripts of Seinfeld, or Pulp Fiction, or, appropriately enough, The Onion, when Bloomberg requested the second slice, the owner retorted, "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that. You've reached your personal slice limit." The exchange quickly escalated with the Mayor dropping f-bombs and the restaurant's owner climaxing with, "there's nothing I can do; maybe you could go to several restaurants and get one slice at each. At least that way you're walking. You know, burning calories." A fuming Bloomberg left the pizzeria and finished his meeting (and more pizza) at a rival restaurant.

Shanghai just can't catch a break - first it was floating dead pigs, then ducks, then black swans, then mass chicken exterminations, and now fish. From the Telegraph: " Just weeks after over 16,000 putrefying pigs were pulled from Shanghai's Huangpu river, more than 250kg of dead carp had to be retrieved from a river in the city's Songjiang district. Mystery still surrounds the cause of death, but numerous explanations have surfaced in the Chinese media since residents first complained about the foul-smelling fish last Monday. Theories reportedly include climate change, electrocution, an explosion or even a drug overdose. The Shanghai Daily quoted a local government official who "speculated" the fish could have been "drugged." So, in China things are so good, even the fish are ODing on sleeping pills? Hardly, but the fact that this is even floated "out there" just shows how miserably The Onion has missed its IPO window.

Whether it is a reflection of the inflated price of regular edibles thanks to Abe's Yen devaluation escapades, or simply more evidence of the greater fool theory playing out among a mesmerized world, the latest gourmet eating experience in Japan highlights the human ability to follow a herd in spite of all common sense. As CBS reports in this somewhat remarkably not The Onion clip, the highest delicacy among Japanese diners is now - dirt. Of course, no-one would be expected to eat, chew, gnaw on any old garden variety, umm, garden; this is potting soil that is boiled, grilled, steamed, and pureed and then dribbled on creme brulee, rolled over mashed potatoes, and drizzled over arugula. Is it any wonder that consumer confidence in Japan is soaring, despite their currency's dismal demise and soaring prices for energy; as even the ever-calm-and-polite host of this clip is 'surprised' at the taste (hint: not in a good way). Of course, there is nothing new in this world as geophagy (eating dirt) is a traditional cultural activity in Africa for pregnant and lactating women. So perhaps, this is Japan's subliminal message to their people to start procreating a little more - as that demographic cliff is getting very close.

When it comes to generating near-apocalyptic financial crises, there are few men quite as qualified as the former NY Fed and US Treasury head Tim Geithner. Which is why it is not at all unexpected that while he is drafting his tell all memoirs, which may or may not include details on why he leaked confidential market moving Fed information to Wall Street's banks, the TurboTax expert is set to take the university circuit by storm and teach young and impressionable minds about how not to do anything he did. As WSJ reports, "Former Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner plans to hit the university circuit in the coming months, conducting a series of seminars on financial crises. Mr. Geithner, who left the Obama administration last month after four eventful years at Treasury, should have unique insights on such crises. He was president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and then Treasury secretary during the 2008-2009 financial meltdown. Mr. Geithner has committed to seminars at Harvard University, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Northwestern University, Princeton University and the University of Michigan." Surely, the future central planners of the world are already shaking with anticipation.

Yesterday we joked that we:

Need a short selling ban in Italy. All the evil speculators' fault

— zerohedge (@zerohedge) February 25, 2013

Today, we were reminded, that in a socio-fascist, insolvent world, the thin line between the Onion and reality no longer exists:

• ITALY'S CONSOB CONSIDERS SHORT-SELL BANS FOR HEAVILY SOLD STKS
• ITALY REGULATORS CONSIDER MEASURES TO TIGHTEN VOLATILITY LIMITS
• ITALY REGULATOR DISCUSSING VOLATILITY MEASURES WITH EXCHANGE

Next, as always happens, will be a ban on selling, then finally, a confiscation of all discretionary accounts by the government. Because the government knows what's best for you, and are here to help you with your "sell" execution.

#SOTU fact check: American people do not actually deserve better

— Onion Politics (@OnionPolitics) February 13, 2013

On occasion, truth is stranger than fiction; and in the somewhat surreal world in which we now inhabit, The Onion's perfect parody of where we are headed could have been lifted from any mainstream media front-page with little questioning from the majority of Americans. For your reading pleasure, the 62-year-old with a gun that is the last man standing between the American people and full-scale totalitarian government takeover.

I noticed that she was blowing black smoke from the car's dual exhaust pipes……

Presenting Dave Collum's now ubiquitous and all-encompassing annual review of markets and much, much more. From Baptists, Bankers, and Bootleggers to Capitalism, Corporate Debt, Government Corruption, and the Constitution, Dave provides a one-stop-shop summary of everything relevant this year (and how it will affect next year and beyond).

There was a time when Swiss bank secrecy was the passion of every tax-challenged oligarch in the world. Then things changed, Obama made it s badge of honor to rat out anyone you know who has a bank account in Zurich or Geneva, lists of previously ultra-secret account holders started "leaking" and from an asset, Swiss bank accounts promptly became a liability to everyone involved. Such as the matriarch of the legendary Papandreou family, former Pasok Greek PM G-Pap's mother, Margaret, also wife of former PM Andreas, who according to The Telegraph has been revealed as having a €550 million ($700 million) Swiss bank account (she will hardly be happy to learn that Credit Suisse just instituted a negative interest on CHF deposits) in the Geneva branch of HSBC. Obviously lots of hard work by M-Pap went into building up that particular nest egg.

Just when the newsflow surrounding America's military-industrial complex couldn't get any more surreal, and on Veterans day on top of everything, here comes the WaPo with news that virtually assures all defense companies should open limit up tomorrow: "President Obama is considering asking Sen. John F. Kerry (D-Mass.) to serve as his next defense secretary, part of an extensive rearrangement of his national security team that will include a permanent replacement for former CIA director David H. Petraeus." That's right: John "Swiftboat" Kerry, the same John Kerry who accused Vietnam vets of committing war crimes; the same John Kerry of the whole military service controversy. More "Although Kerry is thought to covet the job of secretary of state, senior administration officials familiar with transition planning said that nomination will almost certainly go to Susan E. Rice, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations." As to Petraeus, who may or may not testify over the Benghazi affair, but apparently is excused due to his familial infidelities, and whose sexual dalliances were (not) ironically captured best by The Onion, his replacement is also becoming clear: "John O. Brennan, Obama’s chief counterterrorism adviser, is a leading contender for the CIA job if he wants it, officials said. If Brennan goes ahead with his plan to leave government, Michael J. Morell, the agency’s acting director, is the prohibitive favorite to take over permanently. Officials cautioned that the White House discussions are still in the early phases and that no decisions have been made."

Just cancel the debt; make it disappear.

In lieu of a missing Friday humor piece, here is the Saturday edition, which is merely a non-fiction based compilation of this week's Top 10 Bloomberg headlines as they crossed the tape. The conclusion here is that The Onion has now permanently missed its IPO window, as reality is now in no need of embellishment.

Several weeks ago we learned that 2011's vaporizer extraordinaire Jon Corzine is contemplating starting his own hedge fund: presumably one that invests all its capital in Italian 2 year bonds, charges 2 and 20, and then disappears when all LP capital blows up in an AUM supernova. Today, we learn that the stigma freeze associated with all other former MF Global trading whizkids has officially melted, as the former head of equity derivatives of MF Global has just launched a new hedge fund. From Bloomberg: "Daniel Bystrom, former head of equity derivatives trading at MF Global Inc., and Neil Boyarsky plan to start Hawksfield Capital LLC, a New York-based equity volatility hedge fund, by the end of this month. Hawksfield Capital will start with $10 million to $20 million of Bystrom and Boyarsky’s own money, as well as capital from friends and family, Bystrom said in a telephone interview. “The fund will deliver returns that are uncorrelated and often negatively correlated to the returns of the typical hedge- fund strategy,” Bystrom said. “The opportunity set expands dramatically in times of higher volatility, when most other asset classes are not performing well.” Such as the stock of MF Global perhaps?

"Houston, we have a problem"