The Onion

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Bernie Sanders Is A "Testament To American Suckerdom"





While pro-Bernie progressives are free to create their own communities in Ron Paul’s world, Ron Paul libertarians are compelled by force to participate in Bernie’s world. That is the fundamental difference between liberty and socialism, between voluntaryism and collectivism, between statism and private property. Nothing prevents progressives from living as they wish now, except the very things they viciously oppose: decentralization, secession, and local control.

 
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The Shocking Reason For FATCA... And What Comes Next





Politicians around the world are working hard to build this emerging prison planet. The government used obscure and boring wording to conceal the true purpose of the Federal Reserve from the average American. It’s done the same thing with FATCA. In reality, FATCA is all about setting up the architecture for a global tax. Politicians around the world see citizens as milk cows...They merely exist to be squeezed to the last drop. Welcome to the new feudalism.

 
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Hillary Clinton To Nation: "Do Not Screw This Up For Me"





"Listen up, assholes, ’cause I’m only saying this once: I’ve worked way too goddamn hard to let you morons blow this thing for me..."

 
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Biden Proclaims Ukraine's "Success" As Prime Minister Resigns Over "Artificially Created" Crisis





When the going gets tough for politicians, the politicians do what they do best: Declare success smack in the face of a resounding defeat.

 
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Life Under President Trump: The Boston Globe's Front Page Satire





This morning, the Boston Globe published a satirical front page predicting headlines about a Donald Trump presidency one year from today, alongside a “Stop Trump” editorial. The fake front page will be the lead of the Globe’s Sunday Ideas section and "is a work of political satire and commentary produced by the Globe's Editorial Board, not the newsroom.”

 
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The Onion Explains How Virtual Reality Will Change Our Lives





In the aftermath of such "paradigm" flops as 3D TV, 4K TV, the "wearables" revolution, the tech world is now obsessed with Virtual Reality. Here, courtesy of The Onion, are some potential ways that Oculus Rift and other virtual reality technologies will affect our lives.

 
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Friday Humor: Most Financially Responsible Act Of A 17-Year-Old's Life





Failure to get into private college...

 
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China Bans April Fool's Day: It Is "Inconsistent With Core Socialist Values"





In a story that itself seemed like it may be an April fool's joke, the WSJ writes that China’s official Xinhua News Agency has issued a warning on its viewpoint commentary microblog that antics over April Fool’s Day - a tradition it was first exposed to only in the late 1970s when it gradually opened up to foreign cultural influence - are "inconsistent with core socialist values" and at odds with Chinese cultural tradition.

 
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Jobless Claims Joke Chart Of The Day





Initial jobless claims tumbles to 259k (from a revised 277k) near 43 year lows, leaving the smoother 4-week average lower at 267.5k. What we find "odd" about this seasonally-adjusted data is that the employment components of both the Manufacturing and Services ISM data has completely collapsed in the last few months. So what sector of the economy is maintaining the illusion?

 
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Pros & Cons Of Obama's $10/Barrel Oil Tax





With President Obama unveiling his $10/Barrel tax plan to fund government-subsidized public transportatation (versus an individual's choice over his method transportation), we thought a glimpse at the pros and cons of such a choice may be useful...

 
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Congress Wants To Turn The US Postal Service... Into A Bank





The Postal Service desperately needs cash. So what better way to raise capital than to sucker unsuspecting Americans into opening up Postal bank accounts? There’s a term for this. It’s called a Ponzi Scheme.

 
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Not 'The Onion' - Hillary Clinton Is Now Running On Her Foreign Policy "Strengths"





When it comes to watching the Hillary Clinton campaign, you need to be prepared for increasingly suicidal and irrational acts of desperation. While the most pathetic of all her shameless acts was saying she is sponsored by Wall Street as a result of the terror attacks on 9/11, the hits just keep on coming.

 
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Not The Onion: US Government Is Taking Credit For Bringing Peace To Syria





State Department spokesperson John Kirby is raising eyebrows after he released a reap of 2015 “success stories” in which he credits the United States for bringing “peace” and “security” to Syria and “stepping up” to help the country’s people at a difficult time. Using the hashtag #2015in5words to highlight last year’s wins, Kirby boasted: “Bringing Peace, Security to Syria.”

 
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The Christmas Spirit Of Staring Into Screens Together





“It’s just great to get home for a while and spend some quality time not speaking a single word to my relatives, whether that’s by sipping hot cocoa with my sister while we both check our emails, or by gathering the whole clan for a nice holiday meal where everyone is fixedly looking down at the text messages on their phones—’tis the season, you know?”

 
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