The Onion

Friday Humor: FBI Ends Muslim-American Surveillance After 15-Year Study Of "Beautiful Culture"

“Thanks to advances in video surveillance, we’ve been able to look inside Muslims’ homes and view some breathtaking calligraphy prints and handwoven tapestries.” Saying they thoroughly enjoyed studying “such a lovely people and such a lovely faith,” Comey explained that agents would often remove a Muslim citizen from their community and keep them detained for days, weeks, or even months on end to learn everything they could from them about Islam.

Beijing Astronomers Advise Residents Of "Rare Event" Tomorrow Morning

“From approximately 6:14 a.m. to 6:16 a.m., a small section of the Earth’s atmosphere should be perceptible to the naked eye when looking towards the southwest in Beijing... For anyone who hasn’t seen it before or isn’t sure what to look for, the sky will appear as a small, bluish area that should stand out clearly from its surroundings"

Ohio Teen Excited About His Older Unemployed Brother's Return Home After College

"Man, it’ll be great having Derek around all the time,” Joey said of the depressed and frustrated economics major, who, despite expanding his job search far beyond his areas of interest and sending applications all over the country, cannot find even part-time work among the present supply of entry-level positions.  “I can’t wait to help him unload all his stuff and move back into his room,” Joey continued.

Bernie Sanders Is A "Testament To American Suckerdom"

While pro-Bernie progressives are free to create their own communities in Ron Paul’s world, Ron Paul libertarians are compelled by force to participate in Bernie’s world. That is the fundamental difference between liberty and socialism, between voluntaryism and collectivism, between statism and private property. Nothing prevents progressives from living as they wish now, except the very things they viciously oppose: decentralization, secession, and local control.

The Shocking Reason For FATCA... And What Comes Next

Politicians around the world are working hard to build this emerging prison planet. The government used obscure and boring wording to conceal the true purpose of the Federal Reserve from the average American. It’s done the same thing with FATCA. In reality, FATCA is all about setting up the architecture for a global tax. Politicians around the world see citizens as milk cows...They merely exist to be squeezed to the last drop. Welcome to the new feudalism.

Life Under President Trump: The Boston Globe's Front Page Satire

This morning, the Boston Globe published a satirical front page predicting headlines about a Donald Trump presidency one year from today, alongside a “Stop Trump” editorial. The fake front page will be the lead of the Globe’s Sunday Ideas section and "is a work of political satire and commentary produced by the Globe's Editorial Board, not the newsroom.”

China Bans April Fool's Day: It Is "Inconsistent With Core Socialist Values"

In a story that itself seemed like it may be an April fool's joke, the WSJ writes that China’s official Xinhua News Agency has issued a warning on its viewpoint commentary microblog that antics over April Fool’s Day - a tradition it was first exposed to only in the late 1970s when it gradually opened up to foreign cultural influence - are "inconsistent with core socialist values" and at odds with Chinese cultural tradition.