The Onion

Michelle Obama Takes A Shot At "Make America Great Again"

"Don’t let someone tell you this country isn’t great - that we need to make it great again. Because, right now, this country is the greatest country on Earth." or “Well, that was a colossal waste of my time,” said Obama with an air of weary irritation before reminding the audience she had been 45 years old at her husband’s inauguration and now she was “fifty-fucking-two.”

The Market For Lemons, The Market For Bullshit, And The Great Cascading Credence Crash Of 2016

The underlying problem is, I think, a very strange one. But it’s a risk faced by any society that both undergoes rapid technological change, and contains organized interest groups. (Formal or informal.) Something really bad is happening to all our bullshit. In fact, I’ve begun to worry that there’s actually a sort of crash or cascading failure going on in the bullshit market. If there is, I think it’s driven, as previous bullshit crashes were, by changing technology.

"Giant Meteor For President" In Virtual Tie With Trump & Hillary Among Independents

In what has become a presidential race based almost solely on scorn for the candidates, the establishment, fraud at the polls — and, hell, the entirely stale and wholly rigged electoral process — it’s clear no one will win in the traditional meaning of the word. While third party candidates have experienced growing success in the dearth of acceptable duopoly offerings, a dark horse has emerged. According to Public Policy Polling, ‘Giant Meteor for President’ now ranks as a serious contender — garnering “far more support than the third party candidates actually on the ballot.”

The Elites Have Lost The Right To Rule

They came from the dark, corrupt and hopelessly deranged policies of the status quo. The same status quo that remains in power to this very day. The sooner we rid ourselves of this societally cancerous tumor the better, because the longer it takes to move on to something else, the more negative that something else is likely to be.

Not 'The Onion' - Why Elections Are Bad For Democracy

"Elections are the fossil fuel of politics. Whereas once they gave democracy a huge boost, much as oil did for our economies, it now turns out they cause colossal problems of their own. If we don’t urgently reconsider the nature of our democratic fuel, a systemic crisis awaits. If we obstinately hold on to a notion of democracy that reduces its meaning to voting in elections and referendums, at a time of economic malaise, we will undermine the democratic process."

Friday Humor: FBI Ends Muslim-American Surveillance After 15-Year Study Of "Beautiful Culture"

“Thanks to advances in video surveillance, we’ve been able to look inside Muslims’ homes and view some breathtaking calligraphy prints and handwoven tapestries.” Saying they thoroughly enjoyed studying “such a lovely people and such a lovely faith,” Comey explained that agents would often remove a Muslim citizen from their community and keep them detained for days, weeks, or even months on end to learn everything they could from them about Islam.

Beijing Astronomers Advise Residents Of "Rare Event" Tomorrow Morning

“From approximately 6:14 a.m. to 6:16 a.m., a small section of the Earth’s atmosphere should be perceptible to the naked eye when looking towards the southwest in Beijing... For anyone who hasn’t seen it before or isn’t sure what to look for, the sky will appear as a small, bluish area that should stand out clearly from its surroundings"

Ohio Teen Excited About His Older Unemployed Brother's Return Home After College

"Man, it’ll be great having Derek around all the time,” Joey said of the depressed and frustrated economics major, who, despite expanding his job search far beyond his areas of interest and sending applications all over the country, cannot find even part-time work among the present supply of entry-level positions.  “I can’t wait to help him unload all his stuff and move back into his room,” Joey continued.

Bernie Sanders Is A "Testament To American Suckerdom"

While pro-Bernie progressives are free to create their own communities in Ron Paul’s world, Ron Paul libertarians are compelled by force to participate in Bernie’s world. That is the fundamental difference between liberty and socialism, between voluntaryism and collectivism, between statism and private property. Nothing prevents progressives from living as they wish now, except the very things they viciously oppose: decentralization, secession, and local control.

The Shocking Reason For FATCA... And What Comes Next

Politicians around the world are working hard to build this emerging prison planet. The government used obscure and boring wording to conceal the true purpose of the Federal Reserve from the average American. It’s done the same thing with FATCA. In reality, FATCA is all about setting up the architecture for a global tax. Politicians around the world see citizens as milk cows...They merely exist to be squeezed to the last drop. Welcome to the new feudalism.