DRAFT--January 1, 2011

Just for today, I will not sit in my office all day in my clown suit. Instead, I will move my computer into the men's room.

I will no longer waste my time just reliving the Great Depression, instead I will spend it worrying about saving my neck and reliving the Great Depression.

I will never again take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

I will not bore Obama with the same abstruse technical excuses for the stagnating economy. Instead, I will send him back issues of Oprah Money Magazine annotated in Fedspeak.

I will teach Timmah how to balance the Federal check book --on his nose.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will think of 10 new euphemisms for printing money, like Quantitative Easing X.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more potable drinking water for my Jekyll Island bunker.

Assure Sixty Minutes that I will never again show up drunk for two consecutive interviews.

I will give up Keynes totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I really need only nine alias' on Zero Hedge.

I will stop junking comments by Cognitive Dissonance and George Washington.

I resolve to work to help poor unemployed Americans --get skilled jobs at McD's.

I will design a new edible $100,000 bill.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with Timmah, Maestro, Rubin, Summers, Paulsen and Blankfein.

I will spend less than one hour a day surfing Porn on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

I will read Rogoff's "This Time Is Different"... just as soon as I can find it at Walmart.

I will think of a password other than "PonziKing"

I will not tell the same stories at every FOMC meeting.

I won't worry so much about saving Wall Street. Instead I will worry about saving Wall Street.

I will cut my beard.

I will grow my beard.

I will stop considering other people's feelings when they so obviously don't consider mine - if Ron Paul sits next to me at Camelot Show Bar again, I'll tell him he stinks!

I will be more unimaginative.

I will not hang around girls - they think you love to buy them gold jewelry and that sucks.

I will stop thinking about a foursome with Nancy Pelosi, Sheila Bair and Mary Schwartz.

BEN BERNANKE