There Is Now A Celebrity Perv Random Apology Generator

As the avalanche of celebrity sexual predators continues to build, it is becoming harder and harder for these men to come up with excuses, apologies, and promises that sound in any way honest and repentful... Until Now!!

Thanks to the magic on the interwebs, old and young white men across media, hollywood, and sports now have a simple one-stop shop to create the perfect, sincere, seeking help' apology - with just the right amount of self-loathing and virtue-signaling - with just one click...

Meet The Celebrity Perv Apology Generator

Source

Some of our favorites include...

"As someone who grew up in a different era, the allegations against me are troubling. I imagined that any woman would have been thrilled to see a tiny penis peeking out from below my pasty, middle-aged paunch like the head of a geriatric albino turtle moments from death, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will delete my Twitter account because I hate to see people who are mad at me."

 

"As the father of daughters, the allegations against me are troubling. I comforted myself by saying that at least I asked before I “honked” her boobs and demanded she watch me shower, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will not change anything about my actions or behavior."

 

"As a male feminist, the allegations against me are troubling. I will devote my life to finding the real Golden Globes party molester, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I will get the help I so desperately need because this isn’t actually my fault, I have a problem so I’m not responsible for my actions."

 

"As someone who grew up in a different era, I am deeply ashamed (but not “sorry” because that means I’m guilty of something). It was a very long time ago, and of course now I realize my behavior was wrong. In conclusion, I have chosen to live my life as a gay man so if you say anything bad about me now you’re homophobic."

Comments

lasvegaspersona Cognitive Dissonance Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:41 Permalink

At least R Crumb will never have to apologize. Anyone who read Captain Pissgums and his Pervert Pirates (or Ruby the Dyke) knew what they were getting into from the moment they gazed upon the cover.It has been said that the difference between rape and good sex is salesmanship.These famous guys apparently decided they were too important to deal with the sales part.

In reply to by Cognitive Dissonance

CheapBastard Nightjar Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:32 Permalink

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"While I do not recall raping those 8 women over a period of five years in my apartment and at my vacation homes, I am deeply saddened since I realize I could have been more sensitive to these gals. It was so very long ago and so many molestations ago it’s difficult to remember who is whom. In fact, many times I was the victim of these predatory women wearing those tiny miniskirts. They asked for it as I recall."

In reply to by Nightjar

rejected roadhazard Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:42 Permalink

Females are drawn to strong and powerful males which is why the poor bastards were successful to begin with. It's in the females DNA. This is why there is little complaint from the Feminazi's in Sweeden and EU from the rapes. Their males are obviously pussies allowing this to happen. Females will  of course deny this but why do you think the phrase "Nice Guys finish last"  means. As soon as the women now complaining discovered the men that probed them were now weak and vulnerable they smelled blood and attacked like Piranha.

In reply to by roadhazard

rejected Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:28 Permalink

Just keep drinking that Soy milk and all those good fer ya Soy powerbars. Soon you'll have your own titties to grope! Any sexual libido will disappear and your tool will slowly disappear.  Today's female version of the perfect mangirl.

CaptainObvious Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:28 Permalink

I'm waiting for the real, honest "apologies"...along the lines of "Yeah, I raped her ass.  And I will rape your ass, too!  All of you!  You're all fucking peasants and I am your master!  Now, bow down before me, your _______ (choices include: favorite actor, powerful director, congresscritter, trusted news anchor, music executive, tech titan, and miscellaneous purveyor of unmitigated power), and pay me homage!  No, bow down the other direction, so I can fuck your ass at my leisure!  MU-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

youngman Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:37 Permalink

Its funny..but the ones that are not being accused...have probably made better payoffs to keep them quiet....the ones being accused were cheap....and you can tell most of them are and were

koan Tue, 11/21/2017 - 15:38 Permalink

I'm waiting for that one hero that comes out and says "Yeah I did it, and so what...".

You're going down anyways so why go down apologizing.