Can A 16 Year Old Math Genius And Semi-Naked Women Sell The First Ever ICO Tranche

As a product, we may have just encountered the most brilliant Initial Coin Offering ever.

As a marketing ploy meant to reach the broadest number of financially astute investors who are just dying to see a quadruple-digit IRR on their prudent investment, this is certainly the pinnacle of genius.

We are still in awe of this "press release" which in addition to everything else, and there's plenty, features two semi-naked women, which hits all the right spots for ICO investors: after all "it’s all a question of how RICH YOU WANT TO BECOME", and to do that, all you have to do is invest in an ICO tranche.

Wait, don't ICOs already offer a 110% guarantee that you will become rich beyond your wildest dreams on their own? Why would they need tranching?

Well, as the press release explains, the answer is simple:

In a nutshell: We’re going to take a position in each ICO, then wrap those up into their own ICO and then you can buy tranches of that ICO depending on your “risk tolerance” i.e. how strong a person you are.

 

Basically, it’s all a question of how RICH YOU WANT TO BECOME. The bottom tranche is so safe[1] that you can basically put your entire life savings in and earn a fat return.

That's truly a relief: just as America, half of which lives paycheck to paycheck, was collectively wondering what to invest its life savings in, along came ICO tranches...

But what if one is, say, a little more risk-tolerant?  Good news: there is just a tranche for you too!

The top tranche is a bit more risky, but no more than lending money to Tesla and by the time your Model 3 eventually arrives we guarantee (COMPLIANCE: Can we say that?) you’ll have earned enough to be able to buy a second one!!1!!11

The best part: there is not one, but two punchlines:

  • So don’t invest in one ICO when you can invest IN THEM ALL.

And...

  • THIS IS THE BIGGEST FINANCIAL INVENTION SINCE GOLD

As for the team behind the brilliance invention, it is "S-T-E-L-L-A-R:"

  • Brian Hollersworth??16 years old. Maths genius. Invented the whole technology stack. AWS, AGILE, System Thinking, Hyperloop etc. Also handles compliance. Genius.
  • Artie Fufkin?—?Head of US sales. Ran mortgage origination at Cross Country Financial. Knows how to sell ice to eskimos and then securitise that same ice back into a structured product that eskimos pension funds will swallow by the bucket load. Genius.
  • Mark Wachovia?—?CIO. Wharton and then Harvard. MBA (squared!). What this guy hasn’t been taught about investing isn’t worth learning. Genius.
  • Holly Buttler-Hewitt?—?PPE at Oxford. Head of HR.

* * *

And yes, while sadly the Medium blog post by Tom Brammar is a delightfully done spoof and lampoon of the prevailing idiocy in the ICO space, we wonder how long before someone takes it seriously and actually does offer the first ICO tranche.

And so, without further ado, here is your Monday humor courtesy of Tom Brammar:

GET YOUR WALLETS READY?—?WE’RE LAUNCHING ICO 2BIT

Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better…

We heard your cries….

  • “How will I ever be able to appraise each individual initial coin offering, there’s just too many of them?!”
  • “How can I know that I’m investing in the right one?!”
  • etc (PR: FILL MORE HERE PLS)

Well guess what, your prayers were answered: !!!WE’RE BRINGING TRANCHES TO ICOs!!!

“Tranches, what are those?” we hear you ask.

Well, as you were only 12 in 2008 let us explain. However, as we tell financial regulators the models are super-sophisticated and you’re probably a bit too simple to understand (sorry!).

In a nutshell: We’re going to take a position in each ICO, then wrap those up into their own ICO and then you can buy tranches of that ICO depending on your “risk tolerance” i.e. how strong a person you are.

(PR: PASTE IN SOME BULLSHIT EQUATION IMAGE HERE PLS)

Basically, it’s all a question of how RICH YOU WANT TO BECOME. The bottom tranche is so safe[1] that you can basically put your entire life savings in and earn a fat return.

The top tranche is a bit more risky, but no more than lending money to Tesla and by the time your Model 3 eventually arrives we guarantee (COMPLIANCE: Can we say that?) you’ll have earned enough to be able to buy a second one!!1!!11

So don’t invest in one ICO when you can invest IN THEM ALL.

THIS IS THE BIGGEST FINANCIAL INVENTION SINCE GOLD

* * *

Now, we’ve got to be honest. When we took this back into our stuffy, old, lame-o financial institution we got some push back….

Sales said: “This sounds a lot like those CDO things that we pumped out in ’06 that saw half our department wiped out the following year…”

We said F%$k that man this is CRYPTO. This ain’t no dirty property play. This is clean, uncorrupted numbers.

Marketing said: “So the products basically a structured investment that invests in other structured investments, a bit like a ICO-squared right?”

We said F%$k that man this is CRYPTO. We ain’t using that “SQUARE” terminology. We need something that the kids will think is SICK…

…and “2BIT”(TM) WAS BORN

(PR: Actually, can you remove any reference to the squared thing? there’s a number of ongoing court cases that the bank’s keen to avoid etc….).

The Team

S-T-E-L-L-A-R:

  • Brian Hollersworth?—?16 years old. Maths genius. Invented the whole technology stack. AWS, AGILE, System Thinking, Hyperloop etc. Also handles compliance. Genius.
  • Artie Fufkin?—?Head of US sales. Ran mortgage origination at Cross Country Financial. Knows how to sell ice to eskimos and then securitise that same ice back into a structured product that eskimos pension funds will swallow by the bucket load. Genius.
  • Mark Wachovia?—?CIO. Wharton and then Harvard. MBA (squared!). What this guy hasn’t been taught about investing isn’t worth learning. Genius.
  • Holly Buttler-Hewitt?—?PPE at Oxford. Head of HR.

** IMPORTANT FOR JOURNOS ONLY**: I know we’ve already published but if you’re interested in giving us some free coverage we’d be happy to take it down and then give you an embargo etc.

Footnotes

[1] According to the Reddit thread who will be providing the ratings for each tranche