Friday Humor: Trump Defects To Russia?

Authored by Finian Cunningham, via The Strategic Culture Foundation,

The turmoil caused this week by US President Trump among NATO allies is approaching surreal. Time to indulge in some satire…

Helsinki was always famed for its Cold War intrigues and secret exchanges between the Americans and Soviets. But no-one imagined this delivery. The 45th president of the United States handed himself over to the care of Mother Russia, renouncing American citizenship and seeking asylum.

While Trump has reportedly gone into hiding somewhere in Russia, the US and its European allies are in uproar over the “sellout of the century” – to borrow the property tycoon’s phraseology.

His detractors in Washington’s political and media establishment are in paroxysms of condemnation and, strangely, relieved self-righteousness.

“We always knew it. That Trump was a Kremlin stooge, a Putin puppet. Now, finally, we have proof,” fumed one pundit.

Trump’s last words explaining his actions were more prosaic.

“I’ve had it with this Russia collusion fake news screwing up my life for two years,” he told reporters before being whisked away. “I’m outta here. I got my eye on some nice beach property on the Black Sea.”

It all transpired during now-former President Trump’s much-ballyhooed summit with Russian leader Vladimir Putin in the Finnish capital. Helsinki was chosen as a neutral venue, much as it had been during Cold War years, as a place where American and Soviet officials could discreetly meet, discuss and, no doubt, eavesdrop on each other.

The meeting between Trump and Putin had been keenly anticipated by political foes, supporters and neutrals alike. Donald Trump had tormented his detractors in the weeks before the summit, by tweeting how much he hoped to establish a friendly rapport with his Russian counterpart, who has been something of a bête noire for American liberals and hawks.

Political opponents in the US and European allies were on edge in the run-up to the Helsinki rendezvous which was to take place only days after the NATO summit in Brussels. There were widely expressed apprehensions that Trump would rail against European leaders for not pulling their weight over NATO financial commitments. They were also concerned that the American president would storm out of the NATO summit and proceed to a cordial meeting with Putin, leaving the alliance looking in embarrassed disarray.

No-one foresaw an even greater calamity.

Trump did indeed bawl out the Europeans as “free loaders” on American military power. He repeated his earlier disparagement that the NATO alliance was “obsolete”. Behind closed-doors, it was said by sources, who do not want to be named, that Trump read the riot act to “European bozos” with a stream of expletives.

Next stop Helsinki. Trump was warmly greeted by Putin, with smiles and a firm handshake. In a preliminary press conference, the two leaders expressed a mutual interest in dealing with several international security challenges. They mentioned Ukraine, Syria, cybercrime and, worryingly for the Europeans, Trump agreed with Putin that the “provocative buildup of NATO forces on Russia’s borders needed to be tackled”. Was Trump about to make a major concession in de-escalating military forces, as he had done during his historic Singapore summit with North Korea’s Kim Jong-un?

The press conference concluded, and the two leaders repaired to private negotiations. Only their translators would attend. That was the private scenario that Trump’s political opponents and critics most feared. Before the summit, they had fretted about what the American president would say or agree with Putin. Much of the commentary had been condescending and demeaning, speculating that Trump would be played like a fiddle by the “devious, ex-KGB” Russian leader.

Trump took his earpiece out and leaned into Putin, knowing that the Russian President has fairly good English language skill. Besides, what he had to say was rather straightforward, albeit astounding.

“Look Vlad, I’ve had it, just had it, with these bozos back in the US and Europe. I signed up to make America great again, not to have my life tortured by people who don’t know how to make deals. The whole Russia collusion thing has gone beyond a joke. It’s impossible to get anything done to make America great or to make peace with your country.”

Putin’s face at this point had relinquished the initial smile. He knew The Donald was serious. Ever the attentive listener, Putin knew to let the American continue.

“So, here’s my bottom line Vlad,” said the soon-to-be ex-president, proffering a portfolio of bank accounts. “Let me seek asylum in your wonderful country, become a Russian citizen, and if you secure my assets with Russian gold I am only too willing to invest in that fabulous Black Sea area.”

And that was it. Air Force One was left idling on the Helsinki airport runway while Donald J Trump, formerly US president, was given a spare seat on President Putin’s aircraft on their way back to Moscow.

The US government and news media are still trying to formulate a response to the tumultuous recent events. There is a perplexing torpor about what this means. It’s a constitutional crisis like never before in the nation’s 242 years of existence.

The sensational scandal can’t be easily spun as “agent Trump going AWOL”. Many of his ordinary American supporters are even holding street parties congratulating the former president for “flipping the system” in the most audacious way imaginable.

Perhaps surprisingly, people in the US and around the world are not jumping to the seemingly obvious conclusion of Trump being a Russian renegade. Many are contending a more subversive thought: is this how bad American politics have become that even an American president wants out of it? Not only that, but the place he feels most secure in is Russia – the supposed rogue nation that Western news media never stopped slandering.

Latest unconfirmed reports out of Russia say that The Donald has been joined by his wife Melania and son Barron. Their Black Sea condominium has a magnificent view of Crimea. As for the neighbors? Edward Snowden has popped in a few times already.

With thanks to Randy Martin for the original idea

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Comments

FireBrander powow Fri, 07/13/2018 - 17:43 Permalink

~11,000,000 people in Metro area of London.

~50,000 protesters.

 

50,000/11,000,000 = 0.0045

 

Let's give them 100,000 "protesters"

100,000/11,000,000 = 0.009

Still not 1% of the population!

 

Population of England = ~56,000,000

100,000/56,000,000 = 0.0017

 

EXTREMELY small number of Brits cared enough to show up..yet the press makes it look like the whole island was out to burn him...

 

In reply to by powow

FireBrander FireBrander Fri, 07/13/2018 - 18:08 Permalink

"Build Bridges! Not Walls!" was a HUGE banner put up to protest Trump in the UK.

OK!

Let's "build a bridge" to the UK and send over 15 million "Migrant" Mexican Nationals...1 in 4 people in the UK would then be a "Migrant".

Then let's "build a bridge" from India to the UK and send over the ~300,000,000 million Indians that live in EXTREME poverty...I'm sure they would have, and deserve, it's a human right you know, a better life in the UK than in India...now only 1 in 6 people would be WHITE.

In reply to by FireBrander

el buitre NumberNone Fri, 07/13/2018 - 19:44 Permalink

Pense is a neocon wannabe Hitler peace of crap.  Trump got stuck with him if he wanted the RINO vote the way that Reagan got stuck with CIA kingpin Poppy Bush.  Unlike Bush, it's been a year and a half, and Pense has of yet not apparently tried to assassinate Trump.  None of Pense's closest friend's deranged MK Ultra-ed sons have shown up in DC with .22 revolvers, at least to the best of our knowledge.

In reply to by NumberNone

ted41776 Fri, 07/13/2018 - 17:27 Permalink

anyone looking into British collusion? Saudi collusion? EU collusion? multinational corporation collusion? remember when a bunch of Russian nationals flew planes into buildings killing a few thousand US civilians? remember that time US rebelled against Russia for taxation without representation? remember that time US was allied with EU leader Germany fighting against Russian national socialism that was spreading throughout Europe? lay off the fucking corn syrup stupidass jack

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6WHBO_Qc-Q

GeezerGeek Zorba's idea Fri, 07/13/2018 - 18:23 Permalink

 

Speaking of Mueller/Rosenstein, I can't wait to see if a lawyer for one or more of those indicted Russians asks to see and perform some forensics on the DNC server as part of the discovery process.

Everything in the news these days is so convoluted, contrived and confusing that I'm almost ready to believe Trump orchestrated the indictments, the timing of their announcement, etc. (What better way to distract from his <<fake>> defection to Russia?)

 

In reply to by Zorba's idea

surf@jm Fri, 07/13/2018 - 17:35 Permalink

The problem with a parody piece like this, is too many prestitutes will parrot it like its real news.....

The Columbia school for journalism separates candidates for it school into two camps......

Delusional liars go through their law school, and delusional dipshits become journalists.......

Son of Captain Nemo Fri, 07/13/2018 - 17:40 Permalink

Because he's a CIRCUMCISED COCK CUM GUZZLING "PUSSY"!...

In other words... he's the REAL American DEAL!!!

And THANK GOD?...

At least we can turn into the Third World Haiti bag of shit that we have coming to U.S.!

aloha_snakbar Fri, 07/13/2018 - 17:50 Permalink

Who would blame him? I would if I could. Only a 50 mile boat ride across the Bering Strait, but unlike the United Republic of Bananastan, Russia actually defends their borders from invaders...

NuYawkFrankie Fri, 07/13/2018 - 18:06 Permalink

"Vlad - I've had it! I WANNA DEFECT!"

"Hmmm... so who run 'gainst Hillarity in tventi-tventi?"

"2020??? The rancid ol' rat-bag cant even stand up straight now! Gonna be well brain-dead - probably fckin croaked - by 2020!"

"Hmmm... maybe you right... but Vorld cant take zat chance. You haz to GO BACK!"

JoeTurner Fri, 07/13/2018 - 18:15 Permalink

Russia is a Christian nation and like Poland, Hungary and others is not on board with the (((globalist))) agenda. Trump knows Putin is a natural partner against the globohomo hordes and I'm sure laughs at the wacko conspiracy theorists about (((collusion)))...

wwwww Fri, 07/13/2018 - 19:12 Permalink

Russia erased my hard drive and scrambled all my backups. Russia used subspace field harmonics to scratch all my vinyl records.

Russia gave my ex-girlfriend my new phone number. Putin poured vodka in my fish tank. Watching RT made me fall in love with a penguin. Now I have nightmares about circus midgets.

Russian agents move my car randomly around parking lots. Putin kicked my dog. A Russian left a nasty message on my boss’ voice mail in my voice! Watching RT gave me Dutch Elm disease…