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5 Signs The American Consumer Will Save The World
Now that the European sovereign debt crisis has been resolved once and for all, we can turn our attention back to the most important question facing the world economy and financial markets:
Has the American consumer been chastened by the economic hiccup we’ve experienced over the past 2 years or will she continue to exercise her inalienable right to spend money she doesn’t have on stuff she doesn’t need?
Fortunately, all the relevant evidence points to a drunken-sailor trend among American consumers. And you don’t need to consult stats like the recent rise in consumer spending despite flat personal income. Just take note of these 5 unmistakable signs that the engine of world economic growth is well-lubricated and humming:
1. i-Everything
The “Me” generation officially has been succeeded by the “i-“ generation. Apple recently announced the sale of the 1-gajillionth i-Pad after only one month on the market. Now, you’re probably thinking that the vast majority of those buyers don’t own either an i-Phone or a personal computer of any kind, so they’re not likely to buy another computing/communication device, thus slowing sales in those spaces. But you’d be wrong! It turns out the percentage of i-Pad buyers who already own both an i-Pad Mini and an i-Pad Maxi (for those heavy internet surfing days) is — hold on, let me get the exact figure — 100%. At this rate, by the end of 2015, Apple will have sold 4 i-Something-Or-Others for every man, woman and child on the planet. And Apple's already developing prototypes that will revolutionize other product areas, including the i-Vibrator, the i-Q-Tip, and for your vacuuming needs, the i-Suck.
2. Per Se What?
For those bumpkins who don’t live in NYC, Per Se is a restaurant where meals cost more than the monthly mortgage payment you’re not making. You’ll be glad to know, though, that they accept credit cards. You’ll be sad to know, though, that even with your credit card you won’t be eating there. Why? They’re booked. Every day for the next two months. Just like they have been every day since they opened 6 years ago. That’s right, that means that when the market crashed in 2008 they were booked. When the economy went into free fall they were booked. When it was announced that Bret Michaels wasn’t going to die, they were booked.
Ah, you say, so they’re available more than two months from now? No, they don't take reservations more than two months in advance.
Ah, you say, but that’s just one restaurant. You’re right, other restaurants have more availability. Like Masa, which charges a prix fixe (excluding drinks, but including the mandatory 20% service charge) of $480 per well-coiffed head. You can get a table there for dinner this weekend any time you’d like, as long as the times you like are 5:30 or 11:15 — in the morning.
3. Botoxicated
Being in the public spotlight of the media, I need to look my best. So you can imagine my frustration when my corner dermatologist recently told me he couldn’t supply me with my weekly Botox fix because he was sold out. “But I need it bad, Doc”, I whispered to him. He took pity on me and gave me the injection I craved from his own private stash. Thank God for his secret Connecticut connection.
At around $500-$1000 per “site” (i.e., the places on your face that need to be chemically restored to their natural appearance), Botox is the new lipstick of counter-cyclical items. And that doesn’t even count all the other dispensable dermatological products and procedures that are basic human necessities. In economic downturns, you can skip a child’s private school payment, you can even go without food and water, but you simply can’t stop the aging process without cosmetic dermatology.
4. Did I mention Apple sold 68 hexatrillion i-Pads before the idea for the device was even conceived?
And that’s not counting the exponentially larger number of essential apps that all those i-Pad users are shelling out hard-earned credit for. Like the one that senses increased blood flow to the genitals and automatically downloads freaky Japanese porn to your i-Whatever (only $2.99 at www.fapapp.com); or the app that reminds you to have a bowel movement (only $4.99 at www.crapapp.com); or the one that tells you every hour on the hour that you’re a sucker for having bought it (only $12.99 at www.sapapp.com).
5. Whole Credit Limit
“Or•gan•ic, adj.: Of, relating to, or derived from living organisms.”
Sure, there are a few supermarkets that specialize in synthetic oranges, rubber poultry, and plastic milk, but they’re usually located in or around Chernobyl. Most others sell foodstuffs that are organic. But why shop there when you can buy “organic” groceries at Whole Foods for 3 times the price? Best of all, the oil-slathered prepared foods you can buy there come packaged not in a sealable plastic container but an eco-friendly cardboard Chinese take-out box that requires only a few minutes to assemble and has the advantage of leaving your hands full of organic grease as you carry it out the door in the plastic bag they don’t provide.
The company just released quarterly results, and without boring you with the numbers, let’s just say they’ve sold an organic shitload of high-priced “organic” stuff.
So the next time a profligate European backwater seems ready to default, or the real estate market seems on the verge of collapse, or an investment bank non-announces it's being criminally investigated, don’t worry. Hi ho gold! The American consumer to the rescue.
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I applaud you sir, for this is some funny shit!
Still, it makes me realize what's in store for me when the Verizon compatable iPhone hits the shelves...the day that happens my wife will be on the iEverything bandwagon...iMfucked!!!
I hopped off the plane at LAX with a dream and my cardigan
Welcome to the land of fame, excess, whoa am I gotta fit in?
Jumped in the cab, here I am for the first time
Look to my right, and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy, everybody seems so famous
My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda homesick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio
And the Jay-Z song was on
And the Jay-Z song was on
And the Jay-Z song was on
So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"
Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Get to the club in my taxi cab
Everybody's lookin' at me now
Like "Who's that chick that's rockin' kicks
She's gotta be from out of town"
So hard with my girls not around me
It's definitely not a Nashville party
'Cause all I see are stilettos
I guess I never got the memo
My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda homesick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous
That's when the DJ dropped my favorite tune
And the Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on
And the Britney song was on
So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"
Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Feel like hoppin' on a flight, on a flight
Back to my hometown tonight, town tonight
Something stops me every time, every time
The DJ plays my song and I feel alright
So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"
Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
So I put my hands up, they're playin' my song
The butterflies fly away
I'm noddin' my head like "Yeah!"
Movin' my hips like "Yeah!"
Got my hands up, they're playin' my song
And now I'm gonna be okay
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
Yeah! It's a party in the USA!
TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT PER SE NOW YOU FU*$%NG BASTARD!!!!!!
You got me with sapapp.com; I am still laughing- it so describes the American consumer.
The reason they can afford I-whatevers is because they aren't paying their mortgages. Also, if your going to default on everything you might as well live it up by maxing it out.
Bankruptcy court (and probably welfare/food stamps) has a minimum amount of savings they can keep so its spend it or lose it.
pretty insightful. as long as there are cities there will be these apple devices, because there is nothing to look at really, nothing to hear, or smell, or feel. your senses just shut down when you live in such a place. cities are really museums to remind us what life was like a hundred years ago. the difficulty arise when you live in a museum, which is like living in a zoo, but no one cares whether you get fed, just as long as your exhibit remains tidy and neat, the difficulty is what happens when the guards go home, or when the governor cuts back on funding?
we have seen this situation in other places where it did not end well, in Cambodia, where Pol Pot forcibly migrated the people who were living in the cities back to the country. in Zimbabwe, where the same thing happened. when the police start picking up people in NYC and driving them out to Wisconsin the party will be over, but most likely they will head that way when the food trucks don't arrive,the cops leave, and the water is turned off.
and with the terrorists helping it along (how about a Times Sq vacation?, complete with surprise fireworks?). no one will understand when this change occurs, but Americans live in a dream world mostly.
pretty insightful. as long as there are cities there will be these apple devices, because there is nothing to look at really, nothing to hear, or smell, or feel. your senses just shut down when you live in such a place. cities are really museums to remind us what life was like a hundred years ago. the difficulty arise when you live in a museum, which is like living in a zoo, but no one cares whether you get fed, just as long as your exhibit remains tidy and neat, the difficulty is what happens when the guards go home, or when the governor cuts back on funding?
we have seen this situation in other places where it did not end well, in Cambodia, where Pol Pot forcibly migrated the people who were living in the cities back to the country. in Zimbabwe, where the same thing happened. when the police start picking up people in NYC and driving them out to Wisconsin the party will be over, but most likely they will head that way when the food trucks don't arrive,the cops leave, and the water is turned off.
and with the terrorists helping it along (how about a Times Sq vacation?, complete with surprise fireworks?). no one will understand when this change occurs, but Americans live in a dream world mostly.
Thanks for another brilliant piece Ben.
Wholefoods sells primarily Chinese organic food (I am NOT kidding -- read the country of origin on that stuff in fine print) so clearly, your purchase not only reinflates the corporate pay package of supermarket CEO's, it shores-up the Chinese economy.
BTW, isn't "Chinese organic food" an oxymoron?
Oh, and Ben -- what about saving the US economy by increasing your Facebook postings? Someone also told me that the more we twitter, the richer the US gets. And if all that fails, we can always resort to selling the world more debt, because debt instrument manufacturing has overwhelmingly replaced goods manufacturing, which makes us all rich, right?
Chinese "organic"...the dog meat or the lettuce laced with heavy metals?
You know what they use for fertilizer? Let's just say they have no need for toilets byond a plastic 5 gal collection bucket.
Consumerism is eq to alcoholism, almost impossible to cure and often ending in death...
I am not buying an Iphone until they come preloaded with a taser app.
no Iphone? how do you get by?
Whew. That's a relief. I was really worried about the consumer crapping out. Now that we have the real skinny on the situation I feel much better. I'm gonna tell all my friends to get back out there and SPEND. I'm lagging behind. Perhaps an i-Pad for every room?
Yeah! We loves our guns, specially when they come with bacon and donuts.
"Kindred to being an american". Five,five,five against one.
Come on, we've all been predicting the end of the American consumer for 2 years now.
If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now.
Americans will keep spending until their credit cards are cancelled.
Like a vampire, the american consumer will keep on going until you stick his or her credit cards straight through his or her heart.
BOSCO!
AmX plum card .... naked short selling...... long on gold. What do they have in common. Bend over and I'll show you.
OK, was the reference to the American shopper as "she" an attempt to be politically correct (you see the pronoun she used heavily throughout academic papers for that purpose), or were the author simply using a sterotype?
Yes.
Hey, mock not the mighty Apple (although it's customers are another story).
If a viable i-money or i-barter app ever gains traction in a hyper-inflation scenario (even for smaller transactions) the federal government could be i-fucked and i-finished.
That and soaring productivity which, translated means working at half-pay pay. But I like the innovation schtick. GS, BoA, JPM have certainly excelled at this.
Hard work, innovation is what is going to save the world. As it needs to be saved...
Benjamin -
Your reference to expensive restaurants bears no relevance. Maybe you should look at the numbers every now & then.
In every crisis, there always remains a residuum of wealthy, if not filthily rich people. In the US, it can safely be assumed that around 5% of all households fall under this category.
Now, if there is only One Big Spender in each of these households, we have a total of close to 6 million people that can easily book each & every 3-star in the world until Kingdom Come
How else do you celebrate another succesfull trading day at GS, JPM, CITI.
Oh, I don't know; I find lots of relevance here. For instance, you rightly point out the large number of wealthy / rich consumers that can continue to pillage and plunder at will. I think that's relevant because we all know the ends of the water balloon expand when the middle is squeezed.
I think the massive wealth transfer taking place is highly relevant, but perhaps that's only because I'm on the wrong end of the aforementioned balloon.
As an aside, does it mean that I'm spending too much time here at ZH if I think the worst part of that article was the revelation that Bret Michaels wasn't going to die?
Point well taken, MaxPower; "relevance" may not have been the right term in this context.
What needs to be pointed out is that the fact of expensive restaurants being booked out for months has nothing to do with the overall consumer spending patterns.
This sort of thing will happen no matter what, as there always has been, and always will be a money "elite" in whatever circumstance imaginable (this is true even for the Soviet Union under Stalin).
You are absolutely correct. In fact, I imagine there is an historical correlation between the explosion of serfdom and the debauchery of the richest.
Things do not bode well, 505.
i-Vibrator and i-Suck...... Swweeet! Who knew? We've been invited to a wedding
and the couple has i-Everything else. Thanks. Now where's my goddamn Black Card. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc2-hrPaNpQ
i-vibrator, where?
Bend, fucking comedy gold. I love you.
+5
G-d Bless America !
God bless those American women who never get bored of shopping (no dirty thoughts, Mr. Ben Dover):
- Sweet Jesus
Dear God, one more bubble before I die.
Actually this picture swells me with......pride.. in a way. There's just something quintessentially American about hot, JAP ass on the business end of a large ATM cash dump.
Eat it Al-Qaeda! (for another day anyway.)
I told her to stop using my ATM card but, hey, what can you do...
Gonna be interesting to see them in rags with no war paint or implants.
I have to apalogise for an earlier post I came in late, drinking, read yer post took offense, got up early, posted ignorant insults only to re-read your post to find I overlooked some obviously funny shit. You are funnier than I am smart. My condolences to me. I should vote for myself. Idiot. 10-4
Could it be that these status symbols are leading up to an age of financial crisis, much as the Roaring Twenties did after enjoying unprecedented levels of prosperity as its economy soared? Raccoon coats, bathtub gin, flappers, speakeasies, wild and lavish parties, Gibson girls and lush hair, rumble seats and open tourers…and a contoured flask for the jacket pocket? Everybody had to have one, or two or three…
And isn’t swallowing a goldfish a bit like snacking out at Whole Foods?
And, then, the roar of the all-night parties and the jazz and the fun of the twenties fell silent in the crash of 29…ushering in the thirties and The Great Depression caused by the stock market collapse… millions of people without jobs, everyone sitting at home… listening to the radio and Orson Welles' broadcast of War of the Worlds…
jr, i was a professional Can-can dancer in my other life.
honest†
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Can-can
I remember, babe. Those were the days… Perhaps you remember me, the Great Gatsby?
“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” F. Scott Fitzgerald
exactly, those really were the golden days.
oh, the period of extravagance.
i really could can-can very well. cause i have the longest legs, so i could do the cross over perfectly. i had all the outfits.
I knew you could-could, Velobabe.
Great stuff!
Well, sure ... American exceptionalism means that we can just keep shopping, right?