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Afternoon Humor: All The Headlines That's Fit To Move The Market

Tyler Durden's picture


This week's truly market moving headlines, courtesy of Bloomberg (these are 100% real)

Courtesy of John Lohman


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Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:52 | 1359482 slow_roast
slow_roast's picture

I'm not sure which of the first 2 lines is better.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:48 | 1359667 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

...said Charlie Sheen to Bill Clinton

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 05:02 | 1360824 Highrev
Highrev's picture

if you hadn't said they were real . . .


Back to American Idol.

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 13:58 | 1361352 lettuce
lettuce's picture

come on tyler, is this the first time you have visited the NI ODD screen in bloomberg?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:56 | 1359484 asdasmos
asdasmos's picture

They are jumping on anything....

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:03 | 1359487 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

that's because they're porn stars!

Except for the guy with the weasel, watch out for that guy. He was last seen looking for an alien friendly truck. He was also accompanied by a woman from Oregon with a British accent.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:52 | 1359687 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

It's okay, I hear they crashed into a mailbox.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 23:23 | 1360485 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Proof positive you shouldn't let your horse have more than two martinis before lunch time. :>D

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 03:09 | 1360789 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

needless to say, grandma's urn fell into a fountain of poop which happened because 15,000 facebook fans couldn't get to the shitter at a birthday party for some stupid 16 year old.

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 10:27 | 1361042 OutLookingIn
OutLookingIn's picture

The same, same - more "Lame Stream Media!"

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:55 | 1359496 serotonindumptruck
serotonindumptruck's picture

Yes, the endgame must be very close now. These kinds of juvenile distractions are a dead giveaway.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:57 | 1359488 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

I've read all those and I gotta say they are helpful in my trading activity...

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:18 | 1359553 SWRichmond
SWRichmond's picture

I'm French!  Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

Was it after surgery on her toe?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:55 | 1359499 cossack55
cossack55's picture

I love bread. Lately tho, the circus really sucks. 

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:59 | 1359505 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

Have you talked to the dad from Utah?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:10 | 1359530 GeneMarchbanks
GeneMarchbanks's picture

I have. He's truly infantile, though not more than average USA persons. He also said APPL was under-valued at which point I swiftly kicked him in the dick and took my payment in silver bullion. My story, sadly, did not make headlines...


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:16 | 1359550 Clayton Bigsby
Clayton Bigsby's picture

now that's funny - well played sir

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:28 | 1359580 magpie
magpie's picture

Sorry to say, the bread will likely be stretched with sawdust and chalk in the future.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:35 | 1359602 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Stretched? In the future?

Some few years ago I was looking at the ingredients for some kind of high-fiber bread on the shelf and not far down the list was something like "wood cellulose" which (being a carpenter) I immediately understood to be sawdust.

And I bet it cost a buck more a loaf than the regular kind.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:13 | 1359758 magpie
magpie's picture

Right now, we still pay a premium for the ersatz. When that changes, look out below.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:59 | 1359503 bugs_
bugs_'s picture


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 16:59 | 1359513 gofigure
gofigure's picture

onward thru the fog

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:00 | 1359514 Braindonor1
Braindonor1's picture

So the dead Weasel was accused of assault?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:51 | 1359900 FOC 1183
FOC 1183's picture

No, but the horse was charged with drunk driving

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:12 | 1359541 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Fountain shut off due to poop

Hey, the fountain only cost New London, CT. 11 million dollars. The people of my great, liberal, educated, northeastern, "constitution" state decided to use it to shit on.  And they badmouth about the yokels in flyover country, sheesh!


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:18 | 1359558 sitenine
sitenine's picture

Thanks for the clarification. I thought this headline was referring to QE ;)

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:23 | 1359577 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:28 | 1359593 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 19:03 | 1359938 Bay of Pigs
Bay of Pigs's picture

I spent some time there in New London, Cheesy. Enjoyed it there. Some of the best pizza and tasty grinders I've ever had in my life.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 19:13 | 1359973 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Yeah, New London aint so bad.  Better pizza in New Haven, but ya gotta get used to getting mugged there by zetas.  I prefer the northwest hills, myself.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 21:25 | 1360275 Bay of Pigs
Bay of Pigs's picture

Went there too. Frank Pepe's was awesome.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:51 | 1359903 John_Coltrane
John_Coltrane's picture

Yes, a true double entendre!

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:24 | 1359813 Cathartes Aura
Cathartes Aura's picture

from the article commentary:

"just shoot them on sight"

ahhh yes, soon to be enacted.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:15 | 1359549 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I'd like to know how you assault someone with a dead weasel.

Or was "assailant was in possession of a dead weasel" just part of the police report?

Or am I missing this entirely?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:16 | 1359561 element115
element115's picture

Bend over and I'll show ya.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:23 | 1359576 MayIMommaDogFac...
MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

There's porn of that somewhere (see Rule 34).  I don't know if you will find it instructive when you get there though.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:29 | 1359585 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Of course there is. But I am not going to look it up.

back in a bit.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:34 | 1359613 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Opps ha ha wrong screen.

Hey Tyler, how can I delete a comment? TIA

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 22:01 | 1360353 CD
CD's picture

If the post is not replied to by you (or someone else), you can edit your own posts. As soon as there is a reply, it remains read only.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:40 | 1359627 knukles
knukles's picture

"back in a bit?"

And where pray tell did you abscond to, to do what, with which, which bit you in the back, or am i missing something?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 23:24 | 1360490 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

From the search:  "Best Part: The victim asked, 'Why are you carrying a weasel?'"

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:17 | 1359552 YesWeKahn
YesWeKahn's picture

I doesn't look like that people really need another QE.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:17 | 1359554 wisefool
wisefool's picture

Bwahaha. is showing a 100% drop in the dow, or maybe somebody hacked my cookies!

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:16 | 1359563 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Same here lulz

EOTWAWKI, and it waited until after hours. Figures.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:36 | 1359607 wisefool
wisefool's picture

Yeah. GS wrote the IPO for the first binary DOW short. They had a chicken and egg issue registering on the exchange while trading was going on, so they just did it afterhours.

God's work.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:34 | 1359614 Mach1513
Mach1513's picture


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:45 | 1359655 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Well shore, still.

The world ended after hours. You don't just casually reverse that kind of trade, ya know. Jeez get with it.


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:24 | 1359559 mynhair
mynhair's picture

Nothing about Lindsay Lohan?  so depressed....

God, I miss McBags: hope he's rolling in dough in his new job.

We need a new Pillsbury Dough-Boy.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:20 | 1359567 Critical Path
Critical Path's picture

So it has now become illegal to pay the government in an unordinary amount of pennies?  Anyone care to speculate how long until paying in $1 bills warrants the same citation....

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:23 | 1359574 mynhair
mynhair's picture

It was the fact that is was cash in sub-FRN form.  See, money already is worthless!

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:34 | 1359615 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

Well, if you stuff the pennies into the barrel of your 12-gauge and fire them at the tax-assessor, yep, that's illegal.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:41 | 1359630 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

How about Sacajawea dollars?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:52 | 1359698 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

They don't fit in the barrel.  But $50 worth in a pillowcase allows you to make some really convincing and effective payments upside somebody's head. 

A few minutes of that and they stop requesting remittance.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:05 | 1359731 Cheesy Bastard
Cheesy Bastard's picture

Sorry, I was thinking of a cannon.  And yes, the pillowcase idea works great.  (Who says they don't learn valuable life skills in prison?)

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:27 | 1359589 Franken_Stein
Franken_Stein's picture


The dead weasel was Punxatawney Phil.

Oh wait, that was a groundhog.

Well, who cares.


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:31 | 1359590 Misean
Misean's picture

So, I guess, pennies are now criminally worthless...

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:40 | 1359621 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

The innigrant hillbilly, should have paid paper FRN for the fee and kept the pennies for the metal content.

Someone ain't pay'n 'tension o'r Utah way.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:32 | 1359596 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

I did it, I dropped the deuce in the fountain. I also plopped an upper decker in the guest bath at the Delaware Governor's Mansion.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:39 | 1359637 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

u rox. send me a friend req PLEEEEEZEEEZZ!!11!one!!

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:42 | 1359639 MrButtoMcFarty
MrButtoMcFarty's picture


Upper Decker = The Gift That Keeps On Giving...


on a side related poop note....

I gargoyled a few buildings in my day....

That's when you leave a pile right on the edge of the roof overlooking the city below.


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:46 | 1359663 buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

a man after my own fart.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:25 | 1359816 PhattyBuoy
PhattyBuoy's picture

I have done some wacky sh't in my day, but never ever thought about squatting my ass on the edge of a roof top ...

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 19:05 | 1359957 Kali
Kali's picture

this thread reminds me of the last SP. : )  (South Park, everything sounds, looks, tastes, etc like shit)

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 20:10 | 1360150 Cui Bono
Cui Bono's picture

BuzzBuzz,,, I'm not sure I understand why you would do that to the weatherman from Fox&Friends..... that's just not cricket old boy.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:41 | 1359632 Mach1513
Mach1513's picture

Google Finance also has the FTSE 100, Nikkei 225

and CAC 40 all down 100% at 5:40.

Do they know something....?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:43 | 1359642 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Um. I'd say they don't know jack, actually.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 21:05 | 1360248 wisefool
wisefool's picture

naw. 20-1 they have a bunch of zerohedgers, and they were trying to get on tyler's list.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:40 | 1359645 fartinyourgener...
fartinyourgeneraldirection's picture

I logged on to Google finance and it was showing the DIJA at 00.00 down 100%!! 


a sign of things to come?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:42 | 1359661 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

A sign that you did not first read this thread :)

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:45 | 1359659 knukles
knukles's picture

Seriously if this is what the MSM finds ready and able to expend resources upon...

Ozzie ozburne shud runf uhr prepshweddnenht.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 17:48 | 1359669 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Ozzie: oh fuck yeah. if they could have that lame wrestler dude (wuzizname again Jessie summat) for governer of that state (fugget which one) then why can't we have an old rocker for president. And never mind Ah-nold.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 23:38 | 1360505 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Alice Cooper is actually a citizen, so let's nominate him! :>D

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 23:44 | 1360512 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

Is this sarcasm, or do you actually think Jesse Ventura is lame?

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:11 | 1359766 John McCloy
John McCloy's picture

Only in clown shoes America are these the headlines coming out of our "Gang who could not print straight" journalistic community. 

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:13 | 1359778 mynhair
mynhair's picture

Geez, this thread sounds like GPL's proxy statement reads.....

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:20 | 1359798 monopoly
monopoly's picture


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:41 | 1359865 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

this one was on fox- Dow closes below 12,000, its sixth-straight week in the red, as new data suggests the nation's economic recovery could be slow in coming...

recovery could be slow in coming? really? what happened to all the green shoots and economic headwinds ect,ect? how about this instead " economic recovery cancels scheduled North American appearance altogether, no rain date announced as recovery was overheard saying, quote "f*ck 'em" end quote."  

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 21:04 | 1360241 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

There's a lot of truth in that trope that the economic recovery's slow in coming. 

It means we'll all be getting fucked for a very long time.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 23:43 | 1360508 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

The tiff was over getting stiffed with a pile of FRNs... :>D

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:52 | 1359905 sitenine
sitenine's picture

6/10 CNN "Napolitano surveys Joplin damage"

Subsequently puts tornadoes on terror watch list. Vowes that administration will not sleep until every last twister is either shot dead or put behind bars.


Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:55 | 1359912 marcusfenix
marcusfenix's picture

...or at least porn scanned and groped at all major airports, bus stations, sporting events and little league baseball games...

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 18:57 | 1359923 John_Coltrane
John_Coltrane's picture

"new data suggests the nation's economic recovery could be slow in coming..."

On the same time scale as the recovery of the american buffalo?

Or, as many exclaimed, "what recovery?"

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 19:15 | 1359993 sunnydays
sunnydays's picture

What is sad,, is that is what most of the people want in news. They would rather that type news than real news that affects them and their lives.  What a sorry distracting media we have. 

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 20:24 | 1360181 iNull
iNull's picture

"Summer movies reduce intelligence by ten IQ points"

"Cloned Bill Hicks says rather be dead"

"Gingrich campaign fakes Facebook Perry porn page"

You try Cornelius...

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 21:02 | 1360237 Sunshine n Lollipops
Sunshine n Lollipops's picture

I rode that dead weasel assault for 30 pips on a Euro/Dollar the other day. Shoulda hung on for more, but ya just never know how far the market'll move when weasels are involved. 

Now, if we're talkin' badgers, that's a whole different ballgame.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 21:10 | 1360250 TheRipper
TheRipper's picture

Shut off due to poop? Was there a circuit breaker thrown today?

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 06:19 | 1360323 tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture


BREAKING NEWS: Bowing to pressure from moral stalwarts like Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reed, Congressman Anthony Wiener announced his departure from the U.S. House of Representatives, effective immediately. Weiner spoke from Times Square where he has opened Weiner's weiners hot dog stand. While dishing up hot dogs with mustard and sauerkraut to the hungry throng on Times Square, Weiner boasted his name is "golden" for branding hot dogs sales.

Weiner already has retained Madison Ave branding/marketing/advertising powerhouse BBDO. Weiner plans to franchise his Weiner's weiners first in the New York City, then Newark, then Poughkeepsie, and then the entire nation except the areas west of the Mississippi.  Rumors are that Weiner has a gimmick to attract franchisees by offering franchises only to young ladies who he will interview via Twitter. Donald Trump, genius behind the TV reality hit "You're Fired" has approached Weiner with a partnership offer to finance a new reality TV show "You're Hired, Hottie".

An informal, non-scientific survey of hot dog connoisseurs on Times Square asked to rate Weiner's weiners brought responses, such as, 

"The weiner was limp. I tossed it to the pigeons."

"I swallowed the weiner in one bit. Pretty tiny weiner for such a big blowhard hawking his weiner. Like his weiner is something special...not!"

"Give me your wallet or I'll shove the mic up your ass."

"What time does the ball drop." 

Responding to these mixed reviews Weiner retorted, "Well, of course Times Square is a tough customer. But according to my expert hot dog marketing consultant, Ignatius J. Reilly of Paradise Vendors, the rest of U.S. is a warm bun waiting for my weiner."


Sat, 06/11/2011 - 10:40 | 1361061 wisefool
wisefool's picture

+100%.  Folks, this is exactly how you do it.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 22:38 | 1360421 graneros
graneros's picture

Surely the best was the NY Post headline:

Weiner: I'll stick it out.

Fri, 06/10/2011 - 22:38 | 1360422 graneros
graneros's picture

Surely the best was the NY Post headline:

Weiner: I'll stick it out.

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 01:48 | 1360713 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

Sounds to me like a blizzard of bullshit.

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 06:50 | 1360852 Captain_Howdy
Captain_Howdy's picture

Bread and virtual circus....

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 08:07 | 1360900 Xenofanes Skarak
Xenofanes Skarak's picture

Thank you for very good article Tyler, you are right, again...


 check the actual state of forex markets on

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 19:01 | 1361357 Monedas
Monedas's picture

These are my people ! Free, inventive, humorous, enjoying life in all it's raging craziness ! For the one millionth time in my adult life I am proud to be an American ! More fun than North Korean Kandid Kamera ! Monedas 2011 Free people have a monopoly on joy ! "Visit Syria Soon....See the Silly Side of Syrians at Play ! We can be just as cute as those American hicks !"....Syrian Tourism Authority. LOL

Sat, 06/11/2011 - 19:04 | 1361914 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Barely ten years ago those Syrians were cheering as the twin towers fell in the street ! Well, how's that "Allah Ahkbar" workin' for ya now ? Monedas 2011 Nothin' sweeter than Divine justice !

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