Afternoon Humor: All The Headlines That's Fit To Move The Market

Tyler Durden's picture

This week's truly market moving headlines, courtesy of Bloomberg (these are 100% real)

Courtesy of John Lohman

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slow_roast's picture

I'm not sure which of the first 2 lines is better.

Cheesy Bastard's picture

...said Charlie Sheen to Bill Clinton

Highrev's picture

if you hadn't said they were real . . .


Back to American Idol.

lettuce's picture

come on tyler, is this the first time you have visited the NI ODD screen in bloomberg?

asdasmos's picture

They are jumping on anything....

Sabibaby's picture

that's because they're porn stars!

Except for the guy with the weasel, watch out for that guy. He was last seen looking for an alien friendly truck. He was also accompanied by a woman from Oregon with a British accent.

cougar_w's picture

It's okay, I hear they crashed into a mailbox.

StychoKiller's picture

Proof positive you shouldn't let your horse have more than two martinis before lunch time. :>D

Sabibaby's picture

needless to say, grandma's urn fell into a fountain of poop which happened because 15,000 facebook fans couldn't get to the shitter at a birthday party for some stupid 16 year old.

OutLookingIn's picture

The same, same - more "Lame Stream Media!"

serotonindumptruck's picture

Yes, the endgame must be very close now. These kinds of juvenile distractions are a dead giveaway.

GeneMarchbanks's picture

I've read all those and I gotta say they are helpful in my trading activity...

SWRichmond's picture

I'm French!  Why do you think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king?

Was it after surgery on her toe?

cossack55's picture

I love bread. Lately tho, the circus really sucks. 

Sabibaby's picture

Have you talked to the dad from Utah?

GeneMarchbanks's picture

I have. He's truly infantile, though not more than average USA persons. He also said APPL was under-valued at which point I swiftly kicked him in the dick and took my payment in silver bullion. My story, sadly, did not make headlines...


Clayton Bigsby's picture

now that's funny - well played sir

magpie's picture

Sorry to say, the bread will likely be stretched with sawdust and chalk in the future.

cougar_w's picture

Stretched? In the future?

Some few years ago I was looking at the ingredients for some kind of high-fiber bread on the shelf and not far down the list was something like "wood cellulose" which (being a carpenter) I immediately understood to be sawdust.

And I bet it cost a buck more a loaf than the regular kind.

magpie's picture

Right now, we still pay a premium for the ersatz. When that changes, look out below.

gofigure's picture

onward thru the fog

Braindonor1's picture

So the dead Weasel was accused of assault?

FOC 1183's picture

No, but the horse was charged with drunk driving

Cheesy Bastard's picture

Fountain shut off due to poop

Hey, the fountain only cost New London, CT. 11 million dollars. The people of my great, liberal, educated, northeastern, "constitution" state decided to use it to shit on.  And they badmouth about the yokels in flyover country, sheesh!


sitenine's picture

Thanks for the clarification. I thought this headline was referring to QE ;)

Bay of Pigs's picture

I spent some time there in New London, Cheesy. Enjoyed it there. Some of the best pizza and tasty grinders I've ever had in my life.

Cheesy Bastard's picture

Yeah, New London aint so bad.  Better pizza in New Haven, but ya gotta get used to getting mugged there by zetas.  I prefer the northwest hills, myself.

Bay of Pigs's picture

Went there too. Frank Pepe's was awesome.

John_Coltrane's picture

Yes, a true double entendre!

Cathartes Aura's picture

from the article commentary:

"just shoot them on sight"

ahhh yes, soon to be enacted.

cougar_w's picture

I'd like to know how you assault someone with a dead weasel.

Or was "assailant was in possession of a dead weasel" just part of the police report?

Or am I missing this entirely?

element115's picture

Bend over and I'll show ya.

MayIMommaDogFace2theBananaPatch's picture

There's porn of that somewhere (see Rule 34).  I don't know if you will find it instructive when you get there though.

cougar_w's picture

Of course there is. But I am not going to look it up.

back in a bit.

cougar_w's picture

Opps ha ha wrong screen.

Hey Tyler, how can I delete a comment? TIA

CD's picture

If the post is not replied to by you (or someone else), you can edit your own posts. As soon as there is a reply, it remains read only.

knukles's picture

"back in a bit?"

And where pray tell did you abscond to, to do what, with which, which bit you in the back, or am i missing something?

StychoKiller's picture

From the search:  "Best Part: The victim asked, 'Why are you carrying a weasel?'"

YesWeKahn's picture

I doesn't look like that people really need another QE.

wisefool's picture

Bwahaha. is showing a 100% drop in the dow, or maybe somebody hacked my cookies!

cougar_w's picture

Same here lulz

EOTWAWKI, and it waited until after hours. Figures.

wisefool's picture

Yeah. GS wrote the IPO for the first binary DOW short. They had a chicken and egg issue registering on the exchange while trading was going on, so they just did it afterhours.

God's work.

cougar_w's picture

Well shore, still.

The world ended after hours. You don't just casually reverse that kind of trade, ya know. Jeez get with it.


mynhair's picture

Nothing about Lindsay Lohan?  so depressed....

God, I miss McBags: hope he's rolling in dough in his new job.

We need a new Pillsbury Dough-Boy.

Critical Path's picture

So it has now become illegal to pay the government in an unordinary amount of pennies?  Anyone care to speculate how long until paying in $1 bills warrants the same citation....