Dow 20,000 Or Bust; Or How James Altucher Stole Birinyi's Ruler

Tyler Durden's picture

In tonight's episode of "Friday night comedy with Zero Hedge", instead of name play (also here) or almost factual Bloomerg [sic] stories we present 6 minutes of stand up comedy from the one, the only James Altucher who brings the mysterious case of the missing Birinyi ruler, to a close. Since we are laughing too hard to be able to type for any extended period without fatfingerdly sending the ES to 0, we open up to our readers the following clip of pure comedic bliss in which Altucher makes the trivial case for Dow 20,000 using the very same arguments you have heard elsewhere at least a thousands times, though with such conviction, dedication, and passion, that one not help but stare mesmerized, mouth agape, and hypnotized submitting a limit buy order for the DO at 19,999 (because, ultimately, it is a good deal - just ask James).

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Nolsgrad's picture

hahahahahah! You can't eat iPads moron

flacon's picture

I agree - DOW 20000 GOLD $20,000. I think he's a bit low actually, I think DOW 54000 GOLD $54,000. WTF is the DOW measured in? Ohhh... it's USD. ... I get it now....  


The best and easiest way for countries to increase GDP is to PRINT MORE FUCKING MONEY! 


Remember this?: C + I + G + X − M = Y(GDP)




Therefore SPENDING = GDP, therefore PRINTING = GDP. The more we print the MORE WE PRODUCE = BETTER we are; according to Keynes. Where is Keynes - I want to piss on your grave you mo-fo! @@@##@# 

I think I need to buy a gun's picture

i agree with flacon.....if it takes a 3rd world currency effect it could be Dow 36000 and gold 36000 by 2015.....pension problem solved they don't buy anything.


Gold revaluation shortly

FEDbuster's picture

I am sure the Zimbabwe stock market saw some (phe)nomenal highs, too.  If I remember correctly, they had some 200-300% up days! 

Measure everything in gold to get a true price at this time (btw, gasoline is cheap priced in gold).

doggings's picture

Measure everything in gold to get a true price at this time (btw, gasoline is cheap priced in gold).


AlexanderG's picture

The muliplier is BS as it depends on credit to have this theoretical effect. When I borrow $600B to buy donuts; the most the donut guy can buy in newspapers is with what is leftover after costs. All of "multiplier" roots to credit and James forgets to mention the pile of debt building up in the closet which when rates go up will wreck the economy. I made this video about James:

The Asset Management industry is in deep trouble if people turn to gold and silver; they will lose those management fees and free money to put into ponzi schemes. Yahoo Tech Ticker, CNBC etc are all paid for by advertising by the Asset Management Industry

Bendromeda Strain's picture

The multiplier is a transitory phenomenon that exists during a finite period of debt expansion. As was shown over a year ago, debt saturation has finally inverted the multiplier.

legal eagle's picture

Not funny. Either hyperinfaltion and he is right or no hyperinflation and Dow at 8000. Either way, not funny, economy not free, broke, and tweetering on disaster.

HitTheFan's picture

I read somewhere that Altucher is married to a relative of the Bernank's brother, so he's a paid up clan member.

He runs a cute little blog, where I like to go to give him shit (he banned me, but for some dunm reason has unbanned me again):

A few more ZH'ers posting some juicy comments there would be nice to see!!

MrPook's picture

bitcoins bitchezzz

its not relevant, i just wanted to be first to say it

Bananamerican's picture

ok, i lasted 13 seconds with J.A....

Thomas's picture

No matter what happens to the DOW, Altoucher will always be an Altouche Bag.

Roger O. Thornhill's picture

It may just be me, but all I see when I watch this is out of control asperger's syndrome.



MrPook's picture

who the fuck is this lunatic?

ihedgemyhedges's picture

If I remember correctly, he was in Revenge of the Nerds Part II...............Which, by the way, is the worst movie of all time..................

MrPook's picture

assrape is too good for him

rocker's picture

Me thinks they already done that to him. That's why he is talking out his ass.

HowardBeale's picture

He understands him, though he's speaking in Santorum. (Is it possible to fuck yourself  up your own arse? Ironic how close that word/name is to sanitary.)

chumbawamba's picture

Yes, is possible.  Source: the internet.

I am Chumbawamba.

WonderDawg's picture

Smokey and the Bandit II would give the Nerds a run for worst movie ever.

Number 156's picture

Its David Lerah's bastard child!

Sizzurp's picture

This is the moron who used to be on one of's websites "stockpikr".  This guy went cataplexic during the 08 crash.  I remember him saying he had lost a substantial amount of money, so he was putting all his remaining money into the natural gas ETF, which then promptly went straight down.  Why and how this guy makes it on TV is a complete mystery to me.  Complete loser.

FEDbuster's picture

Maybe Jim Cramer is leaving CNBS, and they are auditioning replacements for him?

Harlequin001's picture

yes Sizzurp, but he makes his real money selling books, which is why he says this crap and people buy it, and why the establishment invites him onto TV saying precisely what they want to hear..

Arius's picture

"Why and how this guy makes it on TV is a complete mystery to me".


if you see financial tv and media for what it is a tool to separate you from your money than it all makes perfect sense....think about it...

M4570D0N's picture

He's the guy that also wrote these gems on MarketWatch earlier this month:

Why Apple is going to be worth $2 trillion
Why insider trading should be legal

Bay of Pigs's picture

Wow. Yet another all time low for the Blowhorn.

akak's picture

Hey BoP, don't forget to rake that bastard Nadler over the coals for me this coming Sunday and Monday in Vancouver!  I will be eagerly awaiting your report.

MrPook's picture

what a complete dick

Yen Cross's picture

The blind EYE, is the course of Thought. It feels really heavy.

Manthong's picture

Gag me with a transitory spoon.

CNBC Fight Club?

Yen Cross's picture

 Thank all of you! Well done.  

e_goldstein's picture

The first 2 rules of CNBC Fight Club is that you blab about CNBC fight club on the air...

but I have yet to say enough.

Bill D. Cat's picture

The stupid is strong with this one ..... and yes , I watched . Improving demographics ?

Yen Cross's picture

Charter a G-5 Bill, and explore New Guinea. These gen(y-ers) are hooked with gen -x.

djsmps's picture

This took you two days to comment on? I have a screenshot of the Marketwatch page where it was headlines.

Tyler Durden's picture

There's a reason Friday night humor is not called Wednesday night humor...

djsmps's picture

Thank you. And I was just kidding. I love this site.

rocker's picture

Hey Tyler. You got mentioned twice on Bloomberg today. It's good to know that they read it. ZH rules.

firstdivision's picture

That was Tom Keene, and he's an undercover reader.

Reese Bobby's picture

Bloomberg News was posting ZH stories under company news for months.  Then I assume somebody at that liberal shill shit-hole read some of them, so not anymore!

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Where are these articles?  Maybe I should start reading Bloomberg again?

Reese Bobby's picture

Early 2011.  It's hard not to read Bloomberg if you handle fiat for a living.  If you aren't a captive user you aren't missing much.  Most people I know check ZH a couple times a day for an objective view on markets.  We just don't comment here from work.

wannabe traitor's picture

yep. i'm on that same boat. Some of the guys i work with actually have the balls to laugh after reading an article here on zh, and brush it off as conspiracy talk. They'd rather stick to "bloomberg." I work with a bunch of faggot bitches.