DSK Bail Granted

Tyler Durden's picture

Hide you kids, hide you wives. DSK has just been granted bail pending the sexual assault trial. Terms of the bail agreement include a $1 million bail, $5 million insurance bond, the surrender of his diplomatic passport, 24 hour home monitoring including a constant webcam live feed, an armed guard to be posted outside a rented apartment, and all the usual electronic appliances attached to DSK's body. We reiterate our suggestion that DSK's webcam should be opened to the public at a monthly subscription charge with the proceeds going to the PIIGS (sinking) bailout fund.

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cossack55's picture

Do they accept Bitcoin?

bigdumbnugly's picture

and what are all the "usual electronic appliances attached to his body" in DSK's case?

are pocket pussies electronic now?  i know they've made the old milton bradley battleship game electronic.

can't stop technology!

sgorem's picture

damnmit! i wanted to use that "pocket pussy" line/joke first.....Hell, I can't even get up to take a piss and by the time I get back, BANG, new article, tons of posts, etc., damnmit...:) 

bigdumbnugly's picture

i would never bogart the pocket pussy on you, sgorem.  Feel free to use it now that i'm done.

Misstrial's picture



HUGE_Gamma's picture

there is an attractive pay package waiting for DKS as a Munich RE board member.

Ropingdown's picture

No doubt DSK gets one of the girls with the white armband at the M  Re parties.  And how can anybody junk someone on such a ludicrous topic?  Why?  The inverse, junk as flag, is the problem to begin with for DSK.

trav7777's picture

will he be raping women on that webcam?  Because there are a lot of people into watching that sort of thing...IMF needs funds

earnyermoney's picture

He'll be raping his hand.

geekgrrl's picture

I get the impression that you're the sort of person into that.

Quinvarius's picture

If he keeps doing those gorilla impressions while on web cam, Jersey Shore might have some competition.

Robslob's picture

Next up after Bail

I did not knowingly resign my position as IMF Chief!

LivermoreJim's picture

Strauss promised the Judge not to flee

If he granted him sweet liberty

     -- At least not for a week

     When to France he would sneek

To party with Roman Polanski.

ElvisDog's picture

The HBO movie of this whole affair just won't be the same if he doesn't overpower his guards, speed to the airport, board a fueled-up G5, and zip off to France where he will be welcomed as a hero and elected the next President of France.

tom a taxpayer's picture

Getting bail for DSK was difficult. Bill Clinton had to vouch for his character. DSK will be staying at Clinton's office in Harlem. Like other executive suites, Clinton's office is more of a home away from home, with a bedroom, shower, maid's quarters, Sexually Transmitted Disease clinic, etc.

Love and money's picture

Mine's lame, but maybe inspiration will come (more slowly than he did with the maid, I'm sure)

There once was a randy old Gaul

Who took a political fall

Cause of charges he laid

A New York hotel maid

Who couldn't escape him at all.

palmereldritch's picture

There once was a plutocrat Dominique

Who’s alleged a sexual freak

A maid he did jump

His career in the dump

Thanks, Sarkozy Twitter leaks!

SloMoe's picture

I wonder, will his new digs have maid service?

Herman Strandschnecke's picture

and will he have le-mom-aid to drink ?

lynnybee's picture

how did he come up with that million dollars bail ?  print it ?  steal it thru  taxation ?  he's a creep, it's a set up .

RobotTrader's picture

His buddies loaned it to him.  All his Davos and G-7 fellows ponied up to get him out of jail.

dick cheneys ghost's picture

depends on what the definition of "print" is....

earnyermoney's picture

Wire transfer from Timmay.

trav7777's picture

his wife wired it days ago.  Like day one, she just sent it over for him.

StychoKiller's picture

Oh, to be the FBI agent listening in on THAT phone conversation! :>D

StychoKiller's picture

Oh, to be the FBI agent listening in on THAT phone conversation! :>D

10kby2k's picture

In court he claimed his net worth at $2 million and did not have the rumored vast resources for wealth to pose a flight risk.  2 million ins't much.....so why the fuck is he claiming that he was charging the $3K/night room ton his personal credit card? People with only 2 million stay in $90 hotels.  What a fucking liar. Pure scum.....I could kill him if I wouldn't be prosecuted.  Guess I'm just an hardened man.

Cammy Le Flage's picture

Or heart attack in bathtub.

bobola's picture

He could record a web cam reality show with one of the Palins while he waits.

RobotTrader's picture

This is just the first step.

I guarantee this guy is going to get off easy.

Pay a big fine, and some community service, maybe a couple months behind bars, that's it.

Within 6 months of his release, he'll be swilling booze and chasing women with all the other G-7, Davos, and IMF Plutocrats.

Alpha Thugs and PigMen continue to rule.

Always have.

Always will.

Just look how much more power they obtained after the 2008 crash.  Bigger, fatter, stronger, wealthier than ever.

Nothing is ever going to change.

Fat Ass's picture

You are EXACTLY RIGHT.  So true.

falak pema's picture

coming from your avatar it sounds very sincere.

fuu's picture

They already raping e'erybody out here.

dick cheneys ghost's picture

bummer.......now, no bankers in jail........sad day

macholatte's picture

Thumbs up for justice, home boy. Ha Ha.

Everything neatly arranged by the shadow IMF: Resign and get a lawyer, bail money, an expense account and a pension. But he might not get another invite to Bohemian Grove this year. Bummer.

Vic Vinegar's picture

I don’t think he kicks it there.  Bohemian Grove is for conservatives who enjoy consensual, homosexual sex and owl worship.  Socialists like DSK prefer straight rape.

CompassionateFascist's picture

I hereby unjunk one your (5) junks. This site needs an "unjunk" feature.

keating's picture

His lawyer shoulf arrange a dozen lie detector tests proving consent, then he should ove to have the charges reduced or dismissed so he can get his job back. Unless, of course, he could not pass the lie detector tests in which case he s in hot water...


Dr. No's picture

Unless, of course, he could not pass the lie detector tests

Are you kidding, thats what the IMF demands of him everyday in business of central banking.

ZapBranigan's picture


Polygraph test results are not admissible in any U.S. court of law.


falak pema's picture

polygraph penis tests are...

DeadFred's picture

The newer technologies based on brain activity imaging have not been excluded. They do require brain activity though and I'm not sure vampire or squid brains would work. I think you have to be human.

HUGE_Gamma's picture

there are people sitting in county jail for unpaid speeding tickets, or dont have $500 to post bail for petty misdomeaners and have to wait upto 45 days for a fair and speedy trial.