EU Sues Goldman Over Volcanic Ash Fallout

Benjamin N. Dover III's picture

BRUSSELS—European Commission President Jose Manuel Barroso announced late Sunday that the European Union has filed suit against investment banking giant Goldman Sachs for the fallout of ash from Iceland’s Eyjafjallajökull volcano.  The volcanic ash, which has blanketed the skies over most of Europe for the last four days, has grounded almost all European air traffic, stranding travelers and disrupting economic activity throughout the European Union. 

In a statement delivered in Romansh, the official EU language of the month, Barroso said, “We have uncovered evidence that this so-called ‘natural disaster’, which is costing the EU hundreds of millions of Euros, is in fact an Act of Goldman, and we intend to hold the Zionist-American cabal in charge of the firm accountable.”  “First the profligate Americans drag the world into a near-depression and now they crap all this ash on us.  Who the hell do they think they are?” added Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou from Athens, where he was chairing a conference on Greek sovereign debt entitled, “How American Speculators Forced Us to Cook the Books, Lie to Our European Partners, and Pretend We Don’t Need A Massive Bailout”.  

The EU complaint alleges that Goldman operated a proprietary wind-blowing strategy to direct the volcano’s ash into Europe’s stratosphere.  Goldman is accused of profiting from the fallout by buying complex Flight Cancellation Swaps that are netting Goldman millions of dollars every time another European flight is cancelled.  The complaint cites a smoking gun email from Francois Tubbey, a 16-year old Goldman vice president, to an unidentified woman at “i@&$*” stating, “That’s right, baby, Fat Franky’s in charge of the weather.”   

Several European banks who are counterparties to the FCS’s are alleged to be suffering billions in losses with no end in sight, apparently because they continue to sell the FCS’s to Goldman.  Reached for comment, the Chairman of Royal Bank of Scotland, one of the counterparty banks, said, “Yes, we know almost all European flights are cancelled, but our advisor is Goldman Sachs, and they keep urging us to sell these FCS’s to them, so we do.  We intend to hold them fully responsible.” 

Goldman issued a statement saying that it intends to “vigorously defend itself,” adding that the EU’s charges are “unfounded in meteorology and probably also in fact.”

In a related development, the InterGovernmental Panel on Climate Change said today it is considering investigating Goldman’s role in global warming.  “We’re going to get the documents, proceed cautiously, and determine precisely when Goldman started melting the Polar icecaps.”

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sanmartinian's picture

Sorry for my late comment. Busy trying to create my own account.

Ben DoverIII's piece of news is most interesting. However he has to improve his research.

Barroso didn't speak in Rumantsch and neither could he. Rumantsch is one of the four official languages of Switzerland and as everybody knows, Switzerland has been denied access to the European Union because of her lack of democratic credentials and credit rating below Iceland's.

Barroso was speaking in the official language of the week (not month, wrong again) Mirandese, which  is the second official language of his country of origin, Portugal. Mirandese, unlike Rumantsch is a proper language, spoken by an estimated 800 people. Rumantsch, although the Swiss claim it is spoken by 35,000 people ( is really only spoken in a few derelict empty villages.

Please be more careful with your research next time.

PS A serious note for a change: Ben DoverIII's delicious sarcastic piece was unfortunately plagiarized in one of the comments column of The Economist (whose reputation, like that of Switzerand can be the object of jokes but not serious comment) by a less than honest poster. I was naive enough to believe it was that poster's original contribution and replied in the above vein. Luckily, another poster drew my attention to the original and I decided to open an account here to apologize for inadvertently having given credence to a plagiarized copy and address my comments  to the real author. I'm certain he'll take them as a friendly joke.

 And now I'll become a happy reader of  Minus Five Hedge (obviously, I have to use my own time zone).

Remington IV's picture

Been waiting for this all day

Eally Ucked's picture

I think this pragraph explains what the author wanted really to say in all that drivel. To me it’s not even funny. According to him it should, and including natural disasters in the FUN will discredit other accusations. 


“In a statement delivered in Romansh, the official EU language of the month, Barroso said, “We have uncovered evidence that this so-called ‘natural disaster’, which is costing the EU hundreds of millions of Euros, is in fact an Act of Goldman, and we intend to hold the Zionist-American cabal in charge of the firm accountable.”

Inspector Asset's picture
The Drudge Report recently confirmed from official unofficial sources that the Obama re-election team for 2012 has officially changed their strategy from "HOPE" to "COPE." Key players on the administration have been quoted as saying "We have reason to believe that there is no way in hell, the American public is going to go for that bullshit of "hope" and "change" this next time around." We really need to get in their heads and sympathise with the people and their troubles, because this is no joke, times are hard during this depression. Obama's administration was quick to point out that even though we didn't deliver on pulling out the troops in the middle east, and we gave Wall St a bunch on money, (700 billion) we still did a pretty good job of giving the people that feeling of hope and change. The stock market crashed; but that was not are fault, Obama was quick to point out, that was not the "change" we expected, but hay it works. " All people have left is the "change" in their pockets, so they will be really appreciative of us using the word "COPE" in the reelection in 2012. Off record some officials have privately said that the chances of Obama winning the election are pretty much non-existent. We realize now, but didn't know the, that he is a one term er President. "We had no idea that the stock market was going to crash right before the election said Obama. " "In fact, it kind of pisses me off says the President as he reached for a cigarette out of a brass case." Sometimes the President feels like this was some kind of prank from the south; to put him in the White House right when the stock market crashes. So COPE is the charged word of choice for the next election and DOPE will also be dispensed and given out as MEDICINE to help people COPE with their new problems of CHANGED economic status. Yes , I did did say DOPE; marijuana (for you old timers) will be used to lure in youth to vote and "rock the vote." Obama had told the Feds, "let the people, grow their medicine, and it will be abundant; help them COPE with the "CHANGES" that the future hold. " When Obama was questioned as to why are we in Afghanistan when he promised us no more wars? Obama adeptly described the DOPE game and said "that's where the DOPES at, so if we want to help the American people to be able to COPE we need to supply and protect those resources and pathways. It's simply in the best interest of the consumer, and therefore we will stand by the Afgan and Pak a Stan police and arrest any terrorists who fuck with our DOPE!


In the mean time, get your T-Shirt here and right now, and be one of the first to show you are down to smoke some DOPE with President Obama! The Price is Right at $10 for all you economically challenged folk, who barely escaped the "Perfect Storm." Please no checks, or credit cards. Money Orders OnlY. Please make payable to, uhm, to "Patrick the Painter." Please include what size you would like and what color. PLease allow 3 months for deliverly just because these "T's" are so HOT with the younger generations. Patrick the Painter 1617 Iowa E. Iowa Ave Denver, CO 80209
Alienated Serf's picture

wow, you are a quick one.  he was basically mocking you.

capitalist bison's picture

hahaha thanks for the laugh

RecoveringDebtJunkie's picture

Increased earthquakes, storms, flooding and volcanic eruptions are caused by climate change. Climate change is caused by greedy corporations polluting the atmosphre, destroying ecosystems and lobbying their buddies in government to forestall development of renewable energy. Greedy corporations are financed by mammoth banks such as GS who make trillions skimming off the top. Ipso facto, GS caused the volcanic eruptions and every other god damn problem on this Earth.

Commander Cody's picture

I hope this is sarcasm, because if its not you are a climate change anti-denier and should be muzzled.

RecoveringDebtJunkie's picture

Just because there isn't any evidence that GS "caused" the eruption, doesn't mean I can't assume that they did. Leveling unsupported accusations at GS does not dilute the real issues, it just lets executives know they will be blamed for EVERYTHING until they shrivel up and die. 

Paul Bogdanich's picture

You know this commitment to Caveat Emptor while fashionable is silly.  The sum and substance of United States Securities law is that when issuing or selling securities all material facts known to the seller must be disclosed to the buyer.  That's why we have S-1s and red herrings and all the other forms.  They are not commonly used becasue everybody takes it upon themselves to disclose everything, they are used becasue it's the DAMN LAW as codified is sections 5, 10, 12, 14, 17 and elsewhere.  What Goldman did was clearly a section 12 and 10(b)(5) catch.  Further go back and add up al the prison time defendants have served for 10(b)(5) violations.  If Goldman or anyone else escapes their due then the notion of a nation under law is merely propaganda. 

Leo Kolivakis's picture

Funny thing is that Greek television is having a field day with this Goldman lawsuit. Wonder if they know who is in charge of their government debt dept.!

Alienated Serf's picture

what, are greeks as stupid as americans?

Mercury's picture

The volcanic blame game....arrrrrrrrhhhh......she beat me to it!

You warm my globe.

I was going to write a skit where Goldman execs show up at a press conference all smokey and smelling of sulphur: "what?...we just came from the company cookout!"

Although I wish ZH itself wasn't such a worthy target it sure needs teasing right now with all this ridiculousness.  Coming soon on ZH:


Best the teasing comes from inside the family first I guess.


hamurobby's picture

Very funny, thanks for the chuckle this morning.

The end outcome of all this will may be everyone should just go by Government bonds. Stay away from everything but what we sell, problem of fedgov financing solved, system saved.

Question, are Cramer and Geithner related? they sure talk the same way to the camera.

Ruffcut's picture

Goldman spreads the smell of ass, more than the spew of ash.

I'm sure there is a play here. Forget the flights. It is now the growing season starting for the most important commodity, FOOD. Low sunlight and ash in the fields, not off to a good start. But many of you goldbugs, can eat gold when hungry.

MarketFox's picture

"Brown The Clown of the UK" probably really and seriously is trying to sue GS for volcanic ash.

Brown wants to tax all transactions, however is not aware of the market maker function in the marketplace.


He thinks that making markets is an aside thing that really is not necessary.

You know, the " Brown the Clown that sold London's gold at the botton.....tons of it ...?

Taxing transactions will give the market making function solely back to the big Goldman Sachs....which is the same as handing them billions of dollars gratus.....while the non banks , non market makers will pay all the taxes....

Unfortunately for the world...there are "Brown the Clowns" all throughout the political domain.


The world needs to quickly rid itself of "Brown the Clowns"....


anony's picture

Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Nothing Goldamn Sucks does is the least bit humorous and using them as a punch line diminishes the charges that have been filed against them.

But then again, I was outraged until I decided to be amused. (e costello)

zulu's picture

Funny?  Yes.  Witty?  Yes.  Utter garbage GS apologist bullshit?  Yes.

Of course the big banks that brought this crap should have known better.  That does not mean GS should NOT be charged with fraud.  It's like blaming the rape victim for the rape.  "Sorry, Mr. Big Bank, but you should have known better than to be wandering around in the dark.  GS was just doing what GS does.  Rape people.  Can't be helped.  Case dismissed."

Is there some caveat in securities fraud law that says it's OK to defraud an entity that should have known better?  Didn't think so.

Knock off the bullshit.

Sabremesh's picture

Agree 100%. This is a classic "reductio ad absurdum" ploy to deflect from the severity of Goldman Sachs' massive fraud. The result may be an amusing read, but the intention behind it is transparently suspect. Does anyone know if Ben Dover works for the vampire squid, by any chance?

If Goldman Sachs lurkers could please now junk my comment, this will help the rest of us ascertain how many of you there are on this site.

mbasham's picture

this is right down there with Cramer... u 2 should get together...

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Your effort deserves a posting. I'm sure "Ben Dover" would approve since it's on topic.


callistenes's picture

That diagram is awesome. And BTW Ben Dover is his real name. He is co-author of:



He's been a radio host in Dallas for a long time

MsCreant's picture

The author of this article is Benjamin N. Dover III. It is a gag. Stop with the disinformation please.

chindit13's picture

Very nice.

And anyone who thinks this is a real news story....has just pre-qualified to be a customer of investment banking giant Goldman Sachs.

Adam Neira's picture

Some people are in need of a humourectomy. Such an emergency operation should not be confused with a glitterectomy which could be required after attending an all-night dance party.

zebra's picture

it's God's work.

damage's picture


That was just me farting.

Adam Neira's picture

A fascinating historical footnote to this story follows...

 In a little known chapter of Jewish history one of the ten tribes was on its way north off the west coast of Gaul (They wanted to avoid the various tribes especially Asterix and the Visigoths on their way to the new holy land of the Faroe Islands) A great wind blew. The Norse Gods were upset at the new interlopers in their territory and made the small ship drift dangerously westward to the doom of the icebergs. Fortunately Mighty Thor saw it in his infinite wisdom to give the travellers a break. He had been told by the other Nordic gods not to mess with the really big guy in the sky. The sailors were saved by the site of a volcanic, craggy island perched in the middle of the dark, frothy sea. The ship was wrecked on the rocks, but the small group managed to get to the cold shore. They alighted at the new island, (that had been mischievously called "Iceland" by some opportunistic, propaganda inclined Vikings linked to Erik the Mauve, who predated his great-great-great grandson Erik the Red). The locals were quite disgruntled with the misnaming of their small land by the ancestors of future Danish advertising copywriters. Greenland was attracting more visitors in those days. The local Icelanders welcomed the shipwrecked Hebrew sailors with open arms. Slowly over the years the sailors integrated with the local community and their previous identity was forgotten. Hashem being the great force that he is however never forget his lost tribe. In late March 2010 he decided to activate his "Teach Europe a Lesson and Help a Certain Large Company in the News lately Plan”. As the above article points out by Monsieur Bendover III this large company has profited handsomely by such an eruption. Onomatopoeic Icelandic Volcano (OIV) Futures have trebled in value in the last month !

 The interesting twist to the story is that the captain of that bedraggled group all those years ago came to be known as Lucky Leif Goldman. His second mate was known as Aðalberg Sachs. Moral of the Story...The Master of Universe works in mysterious ways.


Ned Zeppelin's picture

Demented, but funny.  Do you have a regular job?

illyia's picture

Adam. That is utterly charming.

And, very well informed...


JR's picture

LOL. Lloyd’s out doing God’s work againsetting up a little emissions cap and tax biz after the ash is out of the volcano. Never let a crisis go to waste.

As blogger Laurence Vance said: I suspect that the Iceland Volcano put more “stuff” in the air than mankind has every done or will ever do for a million years. All upcoming Earth Day celebrations should be canceled…

It seldom gets funnier than this, BND.  Thanks for laugh, the best I’ve had in weeks…

carbonmutant's picture

 Some future archaeologist is going to discover this post on an ancient archival DVD and draw the wrong conclusion about the cause of the coming singularity.

Howard_Beale's picture

Keep it up are just hitting them out of the part this weekend. Since good things (and bad things) seem to come in threes,  I assume you are in for a trifecta so bring on the next one. Monday will bring you lots of fodder, barring the merger of GE and Exxon, aka merger Monday.

kleeee's picture

Is this for real?

RockyRacoon's picture

Don't listen to those guys above.  They are diverting you from the truth! This is some really serious stuff.  These revelations will undoubtedly bring down all world markets.  Sell now (except for those Flight Cancellation Swaps)!

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

The authors name is "ben dover". That pretty much answers your question. K-Y anyone?

fsudirectory's picture

The ability to process snark is beyond thee

huntergvl's picture

Goldman has been doing, 'God's work,' so well for so long, they have now been given control of mother nature.

What kind of bonus structure are they garnering from the almighty?

knukles's picture

Only Papandreou's quote. 

Fish Gone Bad's picture

This is meant to be humorous.  As something like 1/3 of the population has no sense of humor, this can be problematic for some readers.  I guess that is why is the screaming success it is. 

slore's picture

i read somewhere that many people cannot understand sarcasm due to mental limitations -- underdeveloped or damaged prefrontal cortex, must be a boring world for them

Alienated Serf's picture

seriously people!!! sarcasm/satire.  wake up

dumpster's picture

god is in the weather , god is in the

Goldman suites (suits) , flash...  justice department  summens god .

God sends volcanic ash.   EU   sends tony blair .  bill clinton to represent them in suit.  


bill clinton , tony blair found stumbling in basement ..

God is in the top floor .


Cpl Hicks's picture

I think God is in the dumpster.

texpat's picture

Obvious nonsense. Everyone knows Dick Cheney's doomsday machine in the Gulf of Mexico controls all the weather.

DaveyJones's picture

and the volcanoes in jupiter's red spot

aldousd's picture

Flight Cancellation Swaps... where do I sign up?

BlackBeard's picture

ha..ha..ha..good shit.