The First Thing We Do, Let's Kill All The Speculators

Benjamin N. Dover III's picture

Liebe Angie,

Kudos on your bold move to ban naked short selling in Germany.  It takes a woman of real testicular fortitude to replicate the U.S.’s temporary ban on short selling in 2008, a move that worked like a charm.  Sure the U.S. ban smelled desperate, backed up demand that was loosed with a fury immediately afterwards, and spooked the markets into a further slide, but it did succeed in stopping short selling during the prohibited period.  As your goosing friend, W., might say, “Mission Accomplished.”

Much like a long-dead white male German who shares your initial, you know that markets always work best when the government compels investors to play nice, which, to quote an even-longer dead white male Frenchman, “means nothing less than that [they] will be forced to be free.”  And excoriating speculators whose trades expose inefficiencies and re-align prices with values was a masterstroke.  If only you’d connect the dots and start blaming the Jews, you could activate the Indonesian playbook that worked so well during the late-90’s Asian financial crisis.

Since at the moment you’re preoccupied with not dealing with this crisis, you may not have considered all the other societal problems that could be solved in similar fashion.  Here’s a quick list:

Sanitation:  Rather than having to deal with the pesky task of collecting, hauling and disposing of garbage, just attack the source of the problem:  the vermin that congregate in and around the garbage.  Remove the pests and the garbage takes care of itself.

Public Health:  Treating disease is a costly, time-consuming and often complicated process.  Instead, ignore the disease and focus on the symptoms, preferably the ones caused by the treatment rather than the disease.  For example, cancer patients often lose their hair.  Prescribe Rogaine and watch the cancer disappear.

Mortality:  People have been trying to conquer this one for millennia, but no one’s tried the obvious:  imprison undertakers.  These vultures take advantage of the dead by profiting from their demise.  Stop the undertakers and, ipso facto, life becomes eternal.

Crime:  Confiscate all valuables.  With nothing left to steal, thievery withers away.

Evil:  Ban the media from reporting about bad things that happen.  Once you’ve killed the messenger the message ceases to exist.  And without the message, it didn’t happen.

Ugliness:  It’s in the eye of the beholder, stupid.  Ugly people aren’t really ugly — they’re just perceived as ugly by others.  Force society to compliment every snaggle-toothed boohog on his or her appearance.  Problem solved.

Erectile Dysfunction:  Indict pharmaceutical companies that sell Viagra.  

Incompetent Market Regulators:  Crucify speculators.

I think you get the picture, Angie.  There’s no end to all the problems that can be solved by applying your simple logic.

Mit freundlichen Grüßen unwahr,


Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Cheeky Bastard's picture

Dover; i get the satire and for that +1000000000000

But ... here is the thing .... and i know a thing or two about CDS market.

Single name naked CDS contracts contribute little or not at all to general liquidity; since mostly they are either buy and hold or trading instruments with no underlying value. The whole reason for creation of naked CDS is that a secondary market in CDO sq. and CDO e[n] could be created and artificial liquidity be added. It was the boys in MS and JPM who came out with this brilliant idea when the categorization of the instrument was announced to be "fixed income". That gave them the necessary leverage to apply CDO treatment to CDS and engage in assets swaps to lock in profits. And with naked shorting ban the only thing that has been affected is the unreasonably high CPD and spread which were held artificially high. You can see the markets reaction right after the ban when all EU sovereigns tightened and iTraxx SovX [all Europe families] followed same path. Naked CDS and CDO e[n] were causing higher borrowing costs and higher service debt costs [this is purely contextualized to CDS era; CDS generaly lowered borrowing cost compared to historical average]. You do not need billions to fuck up a nation; 500 million and a 80 bps/5y is enough to drive the yields into the atmosphere and keep them there. Also hedging via naked CDS is a)stupid as shit [specially in the case of Germany where said nation is a part of a larger monetary and political structure] b)costs c) conterparty risk where recovery percentage is not guaranteed. On the other hand; if CDS market is your main trading sector and you know a thing or two about it; the easier, cheaper and more safe [counteparty-wise] is to trade indexes. Im not gonna go into technical detail regarding tradable iTaxx SovX indexes, but index custodian guarantees a minimum 25% recovery if credit event occurs. It is a much better deal than buying CDS on Romania from AIGFP, where the only guarantee is that the Tres. Sec. is corrupted enough to unwind you 100% of notional. Merkl did the right thing. If you wanna pick on someone, pick on Italian Central Bank and Mario Draghi who suspended mark-to-market on all EU bonds held by banks in Italy/Italian banks. That is much more idiotic and cowardly than what Merkl did. Draghi lacks Merkls balls to ban naked shorting so he just suspended reality.

Young's picture

Former WASP turned satanist. Or wait, since WASP stands for We Are Satans People i didn't have to switch at all. So naturally, the occupation for me is speculation... According to the politicians...

bjennings's picture

Well, you know Ben Dover you opened up this can of worms.  And in the process you cost me five bucks to my brother.  You see in going over all this stuff my brother says to me "You watch.  When any regulation gets too close to the pocket book someone is going to bring out the race card, say it is anti-semetic or something."  I told him that wouldn't happened.  I said it doesn't work like that.  You see I'm college educated and my brother is not.  I just chalked up his comments to ignorance and bet him five bucks this would never happen.  You just cost me five bucks.  Kudos to you though.  You did try to pull out the race card in a cutesy "satirical" sort of way I guess. And the Jews of 2010 should say kudos to that long dead Austrian who has the same initial as the current German leader and kudos to those Jews that suffered.  Seems now it was the best thing that ever happened to the Jews of today.  They've been milking that atrocity for 70 years now.

Sorry, I just thought that what move was made in Germany, right or wrong, was about financials and not about any specific religious group.  I guess you will keep us straight on that.


Sudden Debt's picture

"Ban the media from reporting about bad things that happen.  Once you’ve killed the messenger the message ceases to exist.  And without the message, it didn’t happen."


I love it! +1000 :)

Assetman's picture

Dearest Benjy --

I love you dearly, but you're an idiot.

Why in God's Green Earth would I want to solve the world's societal problems when I can't even get freakin' lasers on my freakin' sharks heads?

I'm trying to kill all the freakin' speculators out there, and all you can manage to do is a very bad imitation of Karl Marx.

And, no... he's not the missing Marx Brother.

Sadistically yours,


Al Gorerhythm's picture

These aren't speculators, Ben. I'm a speculator, as is nearly everyone else "investing" in the market or putting their earnings at risk. These guys don't place one cent at risk and as such are market manipulators. Period. Kill (Angela style will do for now) those pricks first.

Grand Supercycle's picture


EURUSD buying support is still evident.

Daily chart is now extremely oversold, will post a chart soon.

akak's picture

I don't like clowns.

I especially don't like evil, glowing-eye clowns.

And I outright hate spamming, evil, glowing-eye clowns.


ilene's picture


On Germany's regulation of naked short selling and the other measures, I thought Jesse at Americain Cafe said it well:

As an aside, the hysteria, or Straßenschreier, with which the actions of Germany to curb naked short selling were greeted was very funny last night, and highly entertaining.

As you may not realize, naked short selling has been illegal in the US for some time, as least as far as equities are concerned. It was not enforced as the regulators turned a blind eye to many abuses that crept into the 'naturally efficient markets' on their watch. It is tantamount to counterfeiting, and in the hands of a party with pockets deep enough to permit it to dominate small markets, it is a blatant form of control fraud.

By the way, I hear that there has been almost no coverage of William K. Black's highly credible and shocking revelations on the public media in the States, outside of a piece on Bill Moyers' Journal. Can anything be so obvious as the control wielded by the corporatists?  (William Black on Fraud Control:

But what is of concern to the Wall Street demimonde are their beloved CDS, which are as foul a form of white collar criminal abuse as ever has been seen since the creation of the Federal Reserve Bank. Any attempts to limit them will be resisted with threats, promises of dire outcomes and ruin, and buckets of money for politicians and regulators.

The rest of the world is beginning to act with revulsion at the destructive corruption of Washington and New York, and the American oligarchs.

Merkel made them squeal with her own version of shock and awe, and it was music to many ears. You go, Höllenmädchen.


Pimp Juice's picture

Great post, great sense of humor. Take a chill pill ya'all.

Apostate's picture

Oh, lay off of him - this is brilliant and hilarious.

ZH is run by a filthy speculator, you know. Not to mention some of the rascals in the comments.

Chris88's picture

Great post which truly highlights the total stupidity of governments all around the world along with the perhaps even dumber people that honestly believe they are going to do anything sensible.  Every single human being is a speculator; we act in the present because we believe a future result will occur but since we are not omnisicient, nobody can be certain.  When you eat a steak you speculate that it will satisfy your hunger to the degree you want.  Everybody wants to moan and cry about people making money shorting things that are overpriced.  However, when everybody is speculating on prices rising and buying then of course that's fine.  Hypocrisy and ignorance at their best.

The government caused the crisis, the government worsens the crisis, the government rewards idiots who made all the wrong choices.  The government threatens human beings with violence to steal their property - yet the real problem is all those damn people who act now in anticipation of changing future conditions! 

Wasn't it Thoreau that said "For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil there is one striking at the root"?  All their silly little "financial reform" bills and assorted nonsense will simply make things worse.  Real reform would be to actually have a market INSTEAD of a state running things.  I would love to see how much exuberance banks would get away with absent central banks and deposit insurance when they have to compete for SAFETY as well as returns.


Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

And no more disagreements, between anybody.  free speech is not only over rated, it is a nuisance.  now where is my hills dvd?

velobabe's picture

just curious do i bring out your hills, thing?

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

oh hey, you're alright ;)

had to eat before I could think last night and then I fell asleep

now that I can think; c'mon babe, you....

like a flower in my tea

chocolate on my cherry

gravy on my turkey

you make me smile, I like that (dagger)

ratava's picture

if we ban disagreements the truth will cease to exist because noone will be right or wrong

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

There is no right, and there is no wrong; there just is.

anony's picture

Naked shorting is already illegal in the disUnited States.

So is Crystal Meth, heroin, Oxy, Cocaine, and a whole buncha other drugs.

Murder is also illegal. Along with Financial Fraud of all types.  So is Pirating, plagiarism, buttfucking in certain states, check kiting, sports betting by playuhs, managers and owners.....last I looked ALL these things are flourishing.

Maybe that's why the markets didn't go apeshit today, one way or the other.

I'll bet somehow Lord Blankfein and J. Dimon were behind the 300 bp leap in the eur/chf. Which seems to have been THE major beneficiary of the Ms Merkel's ruling coup.

velobabe's picture

lie me down to die in a poppy field, please†

have my passport, Afghanistan.

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Quick!  Dorthy fell asleep in the poppies!!!!  We have to join, I mean save her!!!

ratava's picture

1)ban naked shorting

2)your friends know all the longs

3)make some phone calls, make sure they are not logged, short the hell out of America


5)get raped in prison.




ratava's picture

These moves could end up killing off small speculators since it is easy to make them the scapegoats. The retail joes hunted by your average predatory algo. Big speculators used to feed on small speculators. Now that they get banned, you can guess who will be the next liquidity source. Countries have been getting raped by their own lawyers and accountants for a while and it is going to get much worse. They disturbed the ecosystem and have to face the consequences. Society has been living in a stockholm syndromme with sovereigns for too damn long. They are ok for providing services and law and enforcing it, but that should work more like an utility, not something that has more power over your life than you. Running a high tax high entitlement country is not a profitable proposition anymore and they will be the victims of this cycle unless they get less democratic (in the true crony sheep herding mediocracy fake choice psyop nonsense of the word) and better planned, thats my understanding of the deal.

Apocalypse Now's picture

Perhaps it's an English as a second language issue, but your statement doesn't make sense.

What small speculators or individual investors naked short credit default swaps?

ratava's picture

its not just the CDS they are after, wait and see.

AchtungAffen's picture

This is retarded. It's like saying: Hey, stop imprisoning rapists! That won't stop raping, it will continue in prison (those rapists adapt faster than the eeeevil govt does jail em... stupid shit). For long we've considered robbery and usury as morally wrong... how much will it take until we find out it's also economically wrong...

Dirt Rat's picture

I believe you mean, Much like a long-dead white male Austrian who shares your initial. But I still get your point and would like to ditto Apocalypse Now's remarks.

Benjamin N. Dover III's picture

Um, no, I mean German.  Wrong initial, D.R.

mogul rider's picture

Umm. is my gold safe from Angie? She has this look about herr..........

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Your gold?  you mean New York's gold? New York has Angie's gold....

I hope your gold is tucked in your spare brew keg ;)

SWRichmond's picture

People who are trying to "invest" for their retirement, people who are trying to lend capital so it can be used productively, are just cattle to be bled dry.  Message received and understood.  My money is out of your reach (and has been for quite some time) where you cannot steal it from me.  Sadly, it is therefore also out of the reach of genuine entrepreneurs who would like to use it productively, in making a useful product and bringing it to market at a competetive price, and in the process of doing so employing others who can then support themselves and their families.

Enjoy Hell; it is of your own making.

Paul Bogdanich's picture

"Sadly, it is therefore also out of the reach of genuine entrepreneurs who would like to use it productively, in making a useful product and bringing it to market at a competetive price, and in the process of doing so employing others who can then support themselves and their families."


Always unspoken by the financiers.  Underwriting is dead, loans are dead, capital formation is dead.  And yet they claim to be doing "God's work."  Personally I look forward to someone using the police power of the state against these racketteers.  It won't happen in the United States though I can tell you that.  Just like J. Edgar Hoover said there was no mafia our Senate now says there is no problem with our upstanding honest bankers.     

Chris88's picture

"Personally I look forward to someone using the police power of the state against these racketteers. "

I'll tell ya what, how about you do that without using coercion against me and other people to steal our money to fund the State racketeers to go after the other racketeers.  Oh wait...that's how the State is funded.

Thoreau's picture

German shorts ban? Does this include lederhosen?

Marvin_M's picture

naked shorting is counterfeiting and has no place in honest markets...wait

Tic tock's picture

This has nothing to do with religious orders and everything to do with misinterpretation: there are reasons for a German shorts' ban while there are those who believe the financial markets determine stability in the wider economy. 

If the judiciary worked like it made an oath to, the rotting carcass of a dead financial system could be moved off the altar, or not, by the will of reasonable men. Before Inflation has closed its jaw Democracy has been disgraced and its Justice foolish. 

Claim power lies in shadowy places? Understand little of what power is on this earth, in your minds and very souls. .

desgust's picture

I've lost my bit of faith in ZH completely.

I don't love Merkel but this posts and some comments here are really a shame. What a pool of sharks! It's a shame for ZH.Cheap proaganda, wolves and liars. You have forgotten your 40mil on food stamps! Hope people like you, Dover, will end under the bridge!

fxrxexexdxoxmx's picture

No such thing as food stamps anymore. It is a debit card. The old style stamps were easily made into cash.

Back in the 90's I watched a "rock star" buy twenty .05 cent pieces of candy one at a time with one dollar food stamps.

Not bad, .95 cents change each time. I have no idea how the cards are used today, but if it can be scammed it is being done.

I have 8 cousins who have never worked a job in their lifes and have sucked the system for decades.

Food stamp use and poverty have nothing in common.

Drug use and poverty are nearly always linked. If a child is a choice so is a piece of crack.

Apocalypse Now's picture

Nominating this for the worst post ever and worst attempt at crony spin.

Despite warning speculators, Merkel is now implied to be an anti-semite too because she threatened the profits of Goldman Sachs and their ilk, and said the she will not Ben Dover?

You must be dazed and confused about what is going on.  She is actually trying to do something about crime, when all of our financial reform bills are being blocked by whores in congress.  All the digital ones and zeros aren't real capital that is being used to naked short the debt of these countries.  This is like the story of the scorpion and the frog.

The bankers through intimidation received bailouts from countries around the world and those countries had to take out additional debt and borrowing to come up with the funds to bailout the banks.  The bankers then turned around and shorted the same debt that the countries took on to bail them out with taxpayer funds.

The satire is weak, one sided, and devoid of any depth regarding the real issues.  As far as I can tell, this is a troll post.  I guess you are a big fan of the big banks like GS and JPM doing whatever they want without any controls - you must be popular.

Debtless's picture

Agreed A.N.

'weak, one sided, and devoid of any depth regarding the real issues.'

harveywalbinger's picture

While your comments may be true, I believe the intent of Ben Dover's post is to inject a little levity while facilitating further meaningful discussion.  If you have visited ZH recently you ought to realize Mr. Dover has become a regular contributor, & has made several other posts recently.  And it's safe to say you can count on Ben's posts to have a flair for the absurd.  

Climb down off your pedestal & read the comments below.  Some are quite insightful.  if you really hate this stuff, why did you bother to read it?

Al Gorerhythm's picture

Levity. Isn't that Jewish? (It's a stretch, I know)

C'mon HW. It is obvious where Ben's bent lies and add me to the list of folk not getting his joke.

Recently, Max Kieser was left confused and floundering for words, when on searching for support from his guest Jim Rogers, on RT, about the criminality of naked shorting, Rogers left him grasping for straws when he said that naked shorting was OK, justifying the practice with a glib, disingenuous comment: "Who ever sells what isn't his'n, must deliver or go to prison". He uses that logic as proof of the efficacy of the courts and regulators in protecting unsophisticated (value) investors from leveraged counterfeiters. 

The lie embedded in his and other's faith in the legal system is self-evident, as I don't see one derivatives or prop desk trader, hedge fund junk jockey or central banker in prison over selling their naked shorted shit. These MFs can destroy companies or countries and print IOUs at will. What kind of unfair leverage this practice gives them over the value trader is obvious to only a hand full of people. Joe and Jane Sixpack has no insight what-so-ever and are the marks in this scheme. Shame on Rogers.

Your comment: "If you really hate this stuff, why did you bother to read it?" is absurd. How can anyone know what the written page is without reading it? It's not TV where you can flick channels, for fucks sake. How could I make comment or know that your post was dumb, until I read it!? 

harveywalbinger's picture

I'm of the belief that it's possible & acceptable to read & ponder content that I may not agree with 100%, and may do so without given it an endorsement. (the satire I have endorsed).  Ben gets to excercise his 1st amendment rights too.  

How can anyone know what the written page is without reading it? It's not TV where you can flick channels, for fucks sake. How could I make comment or know that your post was dumb, until I read it!?

Once you've seen that "Ben Dover" is listed in the author's by-line, unless you're a simpleton you oughta know it's gonna be satire... Apparently a lot of people live solely to bitch & whine.  

Agree with your point though.  Naked shorting IS counterfeiting.  

AnAnonymous's picture

Maybe by pigeonholing people? Wildly practised.

JohnKing's picture

Speculation isn't evil but when the house is rigged you can hardly call it speculation. I hope Merkel throws some more gum into the works, at least Germans will go down with a shred of dignity, they fought back, the rest will probably just bend over like their masters have trained them to do.


If she takes it down, the faster they rebuild, they will be ahead of the curve.



Mitchman's picture

+1000000000000000000!!!!!  This piece is absolute garbage.  And, quite honestly, beneath the intelligence of everyone who reads this site for incisive economic discussion.  Is this homonculus out of high school yet? What an asshole.