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The First Thing We Do, Let's Kill All The Speculators
Liebe Angie,
Kudos on your bold move to ban naked short selling in Germany. It takes a woman of real testicular fortitude to replicate the U.S.’s temporary ban on short selling in 2008, a move that worked like a charm. Sure the U.S. ban smelled desperate, backed up demand that was loosed with a fury immediately afterwards, and spooked the markets into a further slide, but it did succeed in stopping short selling during the prohibited period. As your goosing friend, W., might say, “Mission Accomplished.”
Much like a long-dead white male German who shares your initial, you know that markets always work best when the government compels investors to play nice, which, to quote an even-longer dead white male Frenchman, “means nothing less than that [they] will be forced to be free.” And excoriating speculators whose trades expose inefficiencies and re-align prices with values was a masterstroke. If only you’d connect the dots and start blaming the Jews, you could activate the Indonesian playbook that worked so well during the late-90’s Asian financial crisis.
Since at the moment you’re preoccupied with not dealing with this crisis, you may not have considered all the other societal problems that could be solved in similar fashion. Here’s a quick list:
Sanitation: Rather than having to deal with the pesky task of collecting, hauling and disposing of garbage, just attack the source of the problem: the vermin that congregate in and around the garbage. Remove the pests and the garbage takes care of itself.
Public Health: Treating disease is a costly, time-consuming and often complicated process. Instead, ignore the disease and focus on the symptoms, preferably the ones caused by the treatment rather than the disease. For example, cancer patients often lose their hair. Prescribe Rogaine and watch the cancer disappear.
Mortality: People have been trying to conquer this one for millennia, but no one’s tried the obvious: imprison undertakers. These vultures take advantage of the dead by profiting from their demise. Stop the undertakers and, ipso facto, life becomes eternal.
Crime: Confiscate all valuables. With nothing left to steal, thievery withers away.
Evil: Ban the media from reporting about bad things that happen. Once you’ve killed the messenger the message ceases to exist. And without the message, it didn’t happen.
Ugliness: It’s in the eye of the beholder, stupid. Ugly people aren’t really ugly — they’re just perceived as ugly by others. Force society to compliment every snaggle-toothed boohog on his or her appearance. Problem solved.
Erectile Dysfunction: Indict pharmaceutical companies that sell Viagra.
Incompetent Market Regulators: Crucify speculators.
I think you get the picture, Angie. There’s no end to all the problems that can be solved by applying your simple logic.
Mit freundlichen Grüßen unwahr,
Benjamin
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+100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! + Infinity + 1.
I too much prefer even-handed, multi-"sided" satire.
But, for your information, I've had my G.E.D. for several years now.
I still dig it. F**k all the squareheads who can't find some humor in the current situation.
And after reading the rest of the comments here, it appears that either the actual level of intelligence of alot of ZH readers is substantially lower than I originally gave them credit for, or else they really don't have ANY sense of humor or irony (or concept of sarcasm). Keep the posts coming Ben.
Don't let Mulchman bother you. He's been upset since confederate money ended up worthless.
Actually, I am still upset about that too! The question is, is Merkel about to show Texas the way? If Germany were to withdraw from the Euro and the EU to avoid being sucked dry by the southern European parasites, perhaps Texas would also grow a pair and flick the north eastern ivy league elite off like the leaches that they are.
This could be a defining moment in history where the plebians finally free themselves from the legacy of the likes of Lincoln, the Roosevelts, the Kennedys and every Democrat since.
Satire is likely the most difficult type of humor to write and thus, the most beloved of those least capable of writing it. Try reading some Mencken, Bierce, Swift and Wolfe.
+one million dollars...for the ged...for several years now...i can see your ged future....you will be rich own a house in greece and not pay taxes on your pool. blessed.
+1010
@AN
+++ 10000000....
@AN +1.4 quadrillion
Well then, with the MSM under tha thumb a tha Oligarchs reckon we've gotten rid of Evil.
your funny bend over†
i like your humor.
Erectile Dysfunction: Indict pharmaceutical companies that sell Viagra.
honest, i think our problems started to really accelerate when they first brought viagra to the men.
"i think our problems started to really accelerate when they first brought viagra to the men."
They made it too easy.
if the dip stick ain't working, shouldn't be fixed†
this junk thing is really irritating me.
Welcome to the club.
what is wrong with you tonight?
are you junking me?
DAMN, are you a zionist?
or judging me in such a fashion?
What about breast implants?
I've told Tyler a million times to plot units of Viagra sold since inception in '98 on the same graph as the S&P. The negative correlation is eye-opening.
Um, wait, aren't all speculators Jews? I assumed this was part-and-parcel with the whole "Fourth Reich, Bitches!" theme... you know, take over Europe, get the Jews (don't forget the gypsies), etc.
Wait a minute... I'm a speculator, but I'm Greek! Crap, gotta go, those Greek govies ain't gonna naked short themselves, ya know...
The name's Dover... Ben Dover
+100
Ummm... Actually it would seem that perhaps they are:
http://www.zerohedge.com/article/greek-central-bank-accused-encouraging-...
I am neither. Just making an observation.
No love lost between jew financiers and German bureaucrats I see. Problem is the Germans have the police power of the state to back them up and they are not afraid of using it. Were I them I would just outlaw all derivatives altogether and then just walk. Get oil and gas from Russia and start selling unlimited amount of the worlds finest machine tools to the Russiasn and Chinese. See how we like that.
As an Investor I am revered, respected, and lauded ... go the other way and I are evil incarnate.