Forget Hugh Hendry... Ashton Kutcher Recommends You Panic, And Prepare For The Apocalpyse

Tyler Durden's picture

It seems that it was just yesterday that everyone's favorite outspoken Eclectica manager, Hugh Hendry, was advising that the best course of action is panicking. It appears his message was not lost on one Ashton Kutcher. Per the HuffPo: "Ashton Kutcher is in hard training for the apocalypse, but this no big screen role: he's afraid that armageddon is coming.....Kutcher is stocking up on guns and spending hours and hours running
the canyons near his home, pushed on by visions of being chased by wild
boar. He's also taking daily bikram yoga sessions, and learning Krav
Maga, a deadly Israeli combat technique taught to high-powered special
ops. All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the
end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I
care about." And so survivalism has just gone mainstream...and copycat cool. Good luck trying to find stockpiles of MRE rations, freeze dried beans, and ammo going forward.

More from the Huffington Post:

Speaking to Men's Fitness,
Kutcher predicts that the "end of days" is on its way, and he wants to
be prepared for the inevitable madness. He told the magazine (quotes via JustJared):


"It won't take very much, I'm telling you. It will not take
much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that
people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out
electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle.
People don't have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems,
so if there's no electricity, nobody has maps."


And then what? The way Kutcher sees it, all chaos breaks.

"And people are going to go, 'That land's not yours, prove
that it's yours,' and the only thing you have to prove it's yours is on
an electric file. Then it's like, 'What's the value of currency, and
whose food is whose?' People's alarm systems at their homes will no
longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water
heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity - what happens when
all our modern conveniences fail? I'm going to be ready to take myself
and my family to a safe place where they don't have to worry."

So what's a soothsaying star supposed to do when he sees the end of
the world? Kutcher is stocking up on guns and spending hours and hours
running the canyons near his home, pushed on by visions of being chased
by wild boar. He's also taking daily bikram yoga sessions, and learning
Krav Maga, a deadly Israeli combat technique taught to high-powered
special ops.

"All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the
end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I
care about."

We are not sure how Demi feels about being chased by millions of milfthursty zombies who will have lost all rational thought once their infinitely dilutable pieces of paper are taken away.

h/t Louis

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Trimmed Hedge's picture

Ashton Kutcher??



traderjoe's picture

After listening to a steady stream of complaining on this site, including myself, I welcome and celebrate any and all persons that stand up and vocalize their beliefs - and his apparent skepticism of the vast use of resources for meaningless conveniences - and then act upon them. If he gets but a few more people to think and prepare, then he has accomplished a great deal in my book. I'm guessing he probably has one of the larger followings on twitter...

JLee2027's picture

and his apparent skepticism of the vast use of resources for meaningless conveniences 

You mean our God given resources that we have earned the use of by hard work and sacrifice? The reason we have problems now is the lazy forget all that and want everything for free. And then there's the agenda driven folks like yourself, that want to make us feel guilty.

Guilty of what? Nothing. We earned it, we use it, it's ours. MadMax is not happening.


traderjoe's picture

I made no judgment on the accuracy of his predictions. I merely celebrated his willingness to speak his mind even though it might engender some skepticism.

Agenda-driven? You mean like suggesting that all resources are God-given and therefore our right to use as we see fit? [How'd that work for the residents of Easter Island?]

I have no particular agenda re: the environment, though I do believe there needs to an awareness of our personal and collective impacts. 

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

[P]eople are going to lose their noodle.

Thorny Xi's picture

Lose their God-given noodle, that is.

Hey, the guy's doing Demi Moore and that fitness rag, owned my American Media (National Enquirer) has more circulation than The Oil Drum could ever hope for. 

the rookie cynic's picture

All captured on a Nikon Coolpix camera...

velobabe's picture

LH, bikram yoga needs artificial heat to get the room to 100 degrees. i went to couple of sessions, it is just plain stupid. what is he talking about losing electricity when the end comes. he is a hypocrite. he won't have any heat, to do his Yoga in. these dumb yoga pushers, they have like five electric space heaters located around the room. heat up the yogis and let them fry. world comes to an end and AK can't do bikram yoga cause he ain't got no electric heat. i swear i am one hoot after a laugh.

SilverIsKing's picture

I hope you are kidding.  AK is doing yoga now in order to get himself into the proper physical condition.  I'm sure he's well aware that, if the apocalypse happens, he won't be looking for the nearest yoga studio.  It's better to actually be in top physical shape than only wish he was.

velobabe's picture

silver I ski ng, is that the same picture avatar that headless horseman uses?

AK is just like any other man doing yoga. to see

downward dog, bitchez.

i know exactly where these two live in id a HO, he is just bitch slapping, when he talks all bikram yoga shit. he is jewish i believe or demi is. no matter. madonna did yoga too and and turned to the jewish religion. i say, time better spent riding a bike. hell, three of the last bank robberies in and around boulder center, got away on bicycles.

V E L O power.

gnap's picture

Its clear that Ashton is one of those Bible freaks because he uses the term "end of days".  Well I will say this .. the Bible says that the meak shall inheret the Earth and if these Bible freaks think the end of days is coming, then by all means give up everything you got and hope you are chosen.

SilverIsKing's picture

No.  My avatar is unique...until someone steals it.

I had tried yoga a few years ago and if you hit it right, I agree that the visuals can surely be a fringe benefit, although I highly doubt AK has taken up bikram yoga to check out girls' asses.

Additionally, I know several non-Jews that do yoga whom have no intention of converting to Judaism.  How does that comport with your theory?

Are you suggesting we all get bikes and rob banks as preparation for the end of days?

A Nanny Moose's picture

Bikram...ugh. Yoga for the dumbed down masses.

In yoga, breath and movement generate plenty of heat.

velobabe's picture

bik ram you .......... generates a lot of losers. generate a lot of sweaty stinky bodies that i don't care to look at. imagine having to heat up a room with electricity to do 20 specific poses. it is very nazi yoga. i laugh when anyone tries to tell me they are all bikramed. well, now robotrainer says he does it with his GF. so we all know how F A B robo is, plus his MOM is following him around everywhere nowadays on ZH. momma's boy.

Village Idiot's picture

Velobabe -

So what I hear you saying is that yoga is ok for Jews and Nazi's?  Or yoga is run by sweaty Nazi's and turns people in to Jews?  What?

velobabe's picture

i apologize to every one that i might of offended. i have no idea what i speak, lately. happy new year. i just really can't wait to get over this h a p p y shit, start off sunday with

what e v e r †

tamboo's picture

too bad it doesn't turn nazi jews into aryans, it would go a long way towards beautifying the place.

so ashton's going to use a yid combat technique against
other yid combat techniques? lol.

dogbreath's picture

If yoga were food - Bikram would be Macdonalds.

thetruth's picture

It is more accurate to say that the benefits of any style of yoga are completely dependent on the practitioner.  A person with the right mindset can receive as many benefits from Bikram as from any other style - except maybe Kriya. 

velobabe's picture

i only do it for the stretch†

dogbreath's picture

your first sentence I totally agree with.  2nd sentenc  Bikram - 27 postures for the rest of your life, sorry no. 

Mc Bikram

downward dogbreath

JLee2027's picture

You mean like suggesting that all resources are God-given and therefore our right to use as we see fit? 

They are.

[How'd that work for the residents of Easter Island?]

Oh my goodness. WTF is that supposed to mean? 

Fish Gone Bad's picture

After the apocolypse, Ashton is going to buy Easter Island and rename it Halloween Island.

spinone's picture

I'm glad he found motivation for his workouts.  I hope he buys lots of silver to crush JPM.

Village Idiot's picture

[How'd that work for the residents of Easter Island?]

"Oh my goodness. WTF is that supposed to mean?"


They converted to Judaism? 

fxrxexexdxoxmx's picture

Easter Island residents killed all the rabbits. Without rabbits to hide the eggs all of the trees died.

Village Idiot's picture

That makes more sense than the conversion to Judaism theory. I'm going with the rabbits. 

snowball777's picture

It means when we vote for who will be food, you will win!

Freddie's picture

Gigilo Ashton talked about how they lost power at their cabin and he loaded his gun and in a panic they went to the grocery store.  He is an apologist for Mugabe 2 Hussein to insure he gets movies in Hollywood.  If you bash conservatives and shill for marxism you can be a star too. 

His dowager wife is always bitching that she spent $500,000 on new t*ts, a face and ass lift plus a lot of work and still cannot get movie parts. 

BTW - those God given resources are being created each day by that reactor called the earth's core turning rocks into oil and nat gas. There is energy all over the earth and the earth is making new energy each day.  Solar will get cheaper over time too and geothermal power by the earth's core will work as well.  It already is working.


h3m1ngw4y's picture

where´s your <sarcasm /> tag?

DaveyJones's picture

Don't you hate it when others fail to realize your "God given" rights? Now if those pesky natives would just get out of your way and let you get on with you using all your plentiful stuff earned by nothing more than honest hard work. You're right, guilt is for the common folk. Just a minute, Lloyd is texting me. 

OnTheFelt's picture

Are you fucking kidding me?

Define G.O.D please.....oh wait you can't because it doesn't exist, at least in the way that I know you are proclaiming it to exist.

If you happen to feel guilty because of the aforementioned post, then you probably should because you are.

But that is irregardless, because the whole point of the previous poster apparently whooshed right over your incy head.

Here, let me spell it out for you, what he means it is the haphazzard, lazy, me me, I deserve something mentality that is plagued by most westerners. 

Enjoy the tipping point, because as the old saying goes, I don't have to out run the bear, I just have to outrun you, dipshit.

Id fight Gandhi's picture

Define "irregardless"

Please spell it out for me. I'm kinda slow.

Armchair Bear's picture

without lack of regard?

not lacking regard?

this is a non-word so REGARDLESS of who wrote it - the person is (somewhat) illiterate?

Go ahead "refudiate" me!!

edwardscpa's picture

Hey - if he used it in a complete sentence, and people understood what was being conveyed, then I'd give him a pass.

Irregardless, I don't think he used it properly in his sentence.  Fail.  lol.


side note - tic tacs are addictive.  mmmm.

RichardP's picture

The word irregardless used to be in the dictionary.  Folks used to use the word.  Some still do.

Hellholeratrace's picture

From Merriam-Webster Dictionary:

Usage Discussion of IRREGARDLESS:
Irregardless originated in dialectal American speech in the early 20th century. Its fairly widespread use in speech called it to the attention of usage commentators as early as 1927. The most frequently repeated remark about it is that “there is no such word.” There is such a word, however. It is still used primarily in speech, although it can be found from time to time in edited prose. Its reputation has not risen over the years, and it is still a long way from general acceptance. Use regardless instead. Examples of IRREGARDLESS:
I told them that irregardless of what you read in books, they's some members of the theatrical profession that occasionally visits the place where they sleep. —Ring Lardner, The Big Town, 1921 Origin of IRREGARDLESS
probably blend of irrespective and regardless
First Known Use: circa 1912
Village Idiot's picture



self admission - Internally, I used to look down at the (Ir)regardless crowd.  Thank you for lightening the loathe. Or was it loath.

Creepy Lurker's picture

Loathe: (verb) To harbor a strong dislike or hatred for a thing.

"I loathe bananas!"


Loath: (adverb)[I think] To be reluctant; hesitant.

"I was loath to speak after seeing others attacked for it."

chumbawamba's picture

Say what you will about that tawdry tart, "refudiate" is a bad-ass word.

I am Chumbawamba.

zeusman's picture

I would also like to know your definition of "irregardless"?  Does the ir cancel out the regardless part? LOL

Reductio ad Absurdum's picture

Does the in- cancel out the flammable in inflammable?

JLee2027's picture


Are you fucking kidding me?

Define G.O.D please.....oh wait you can't because it doesn't exist, at least in the way that I know you are proclaiming it to exist.

When he resurrects you on Judgement Day you need no proof. Unless of course you're alone in a foxhole with shells coming down on you. Good luck on that!

I won't respond to you you types will argue endlessly just to argue. BYE!'s picture

I like to sleep late so I'll likely miss the judgement part but wake me for cocktails at four.