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Forget Hugh Hendry... Ashton Kutcher Recommends You Panic, And Prepare For The Apocalpyse
It seems that it was just yesterday that everyone's favorite outspoken Eclectica manager, Hugh Hendry, was advising that the best course of action is panicking. It appears his message was not lost on one Ashton Kutcher. Per the HuffPo: "Ashton Kutcher is in hard training for the apocalypse, but this no big screen role: he's afraid that armageddon is coming.....Kutcher is stocking up on guns and spending hours and hours running
the canyons near his home, pushed on by visions of being chased by wild
boar. He's also taking daily bikram yoga sessions, and learning Krav
Maga, a deadly Israeli combat technique taught to high-powered special
ops. All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the
end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I
care about." And so survivalism has just gone mainstream...and copycat cool. Good luck trying to find stockpiles of MRE rations, freeze dried beans, and ammo going forward.
More from the Huffington Post:
Speaking to Men's Fitness,
Kutcher predicts that the "end of days" is on its way, and he wants to
be prepared for the inevitable madness. He told the magazine (quotes via JustJared):
"It won't take very much, I'm telling you. It will not take
much for people to hit the panic button. The amount of convenience that
people rely on based on electricity alone. You start taking out
electricity and satellites, and people are going to lose their noodle.
People don't have maps anymore. People use their iPhones or GPS systems,
so if there's no electricity, nobody has maps."
And then what? The way Kutcher sees it, all chaos breaks.
"And people are going to go, 'That land's not yours, prove
that it's yours,' and the only thing you have to prove it's yours is on
an electric file. Then it's like, 'What's the value of currency, and
whose food is whose?' People's alarm systems at their homes will no
longer work. Neither will our heating, our garbage disposals, hot-water
heaters that run on gas but depend on electricity - what happens when
all our modern conveniences fail? I'm going to be ready to take myself
and my family to a safe place where they don't have to worry."
So what's a soothsaying star supposed to do when he sees the end of
the world? Kutcher is stocking up on guns and spending hours and hours
running the canyons near his home, pushed on by visions of being chased
by wild boar. He's also taking daily bikram yoga sessions, and learning
Krav Maga, a deadly Israeli combat technique taught to high-powered
special ops.
"All of my physical fitness regimen is completely tailored around the
end of day. I stay fit for no other reason than to save the people I
care about."
We are not sure how Demi feels about being chased by millions of milfthursty zombies who will have lost all rational thought once their infinitely dilutable pieces of paper are taken away.
h/t Louis
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Whoa dude! Someone stopped slurping the flouride water.
send him to Iraq or Afghanistan. So he can go play soldier for real.
What a douche.
Wow. Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
I have no doubt Kutcher will be one of the zombies. I don't want him exercising.
so much for opsec, ashton.
and, yes, demi is pissed.
Tool.
He is on a magazine cover spewing out this rectum for a reason.
Too bad all that energy he is using to 'save' him and his is not being used to produce. Wish he had a clue.
God forbid the US produce anything real. Just glorify losers. The US just makes tools like this guy who will get to kill normal people cause he lives in fear, is pretty as a girl and has lost all trust of other humans.
Will losers like this be the new winners?
Tool.
No I bet neil strauss could destory this pansy - he's been practicing longer!
Are you quite certain this whole scenario wasn't just cooked up by the editors of Men's Fitness in preparation for a new release of Austin Powers getting his mojo back after going to a stag farm?
edit: Dude, I'm sorry, I have him mixed up with Altucher:
http://www.businessinsider.com/things-i-refuse-to-worry-about-in-2011-20...
Wow that guy is a complete dumbass...
The only thing he said that resembles any sort of coherent thought is:
"
Global warming. You have to go to China, India, and all the developing countries to express this worry because that’s where 99% of the pollution is. But they won’t listen to you. Their people are starving so they need to develop industry to feed them. That causes the CO2 in the air that everyone is worried about. But I’m not worried about it. Lets feed people first." Which is still kind of stupid but it's also a nice way to show idiots that believe in global warming that they're fighting a futile battle even if there was global warming which there isn't. Speaking of global warming how's everyone enjoying their record snow and ice storms?I am pretty sure Ashton can't see the clearing because of the forest. WARNING this might make you barf!
http://www.egotastic.com/image?path=1009/demi-moore-nude-oiu-mag-15.jpg&info=Demi
Damn it, shag carpet forever !!!
Is that a Groucho disguise or a cautionary personal hygiene demonstration?
First Tony Robbins!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now Ashton Kuchter!!!!!
Who is next????
Richard Simmons!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweatin' to the Apocalypse?
nice.
Must be a slow news day.
You all just gut PUNCKED!!!!!!!
Just as long as we weren't junked.
Living in New Jersey, I get practice for the apocalypse every day...
many were the reason quoted in the "Declaration of Independence"
many of those reason exist now! I just read it and am amazed that this time we dont seem to care.
I don't know what to think about this...
Has Topher Grace said anything about world affairs recently?
naw, but seriously folks, i applaud him for saying what he thinks. You can't care if people think you're crazy for stating your views. That is an anti-free speech attitude, imho. Dave Chappelle has said that to do so is dismissive, and I tend to agree with that.
Agreed. Unless it's a lead up to some apocalyptic action adventure he just got cast in. That would really be a disservice in this environment. Where is Chappelle, btw? Love that guy.
Speakin of Apocolypse now, A messsage from Walter E Kurtz 11th transmission. Dec 30th, 0500 hours, sector King zulu King..
"I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving."
The Horror, The Horror
"MILFthirsty Zombies" = takes the cake Tyler!! Abbreviated = MTZ a new text shorty.
As for AK, good for him. Keeps 'm off the streets. As for his prediction, its coming, who knows when.
Something tells me that he just finished watching "The Road".
I say good for him. I bet the physical pm market just got a bit smaller too.
pods
If there were a financial collapse who the hell knows what would really happen. If there were loss of power, I for one would happily loose my cell phone. That thing is the devil's leash around my neck. Take me back to the 90s...better yet the 80s...with my laptop of course.
You mean SOMEONE in Hollyweird gets it?
Demi ain't no cougar, where do you think the boar image came from?
He had to say boar, as it would be just too damn funny if he said he imagined a cougarchasing him. And we all know he can't outrun a cougar.
pods
DUMB ASS BITCHEZ !!!
....and what does Tom Cruise have to share on this subject?
a short muse, by tom cruise. I'm on fire today.
Isn't Ashton Kutcher the same guy who popularized driving around in a massive non-commercial semi-truck a few years back? One that cost $500,000 and used three times as much gas as the biggest SUV on the road. Good to see he's developed some type of social consciousness in between making shit movies, fucking his plastic wife, and tweeting about how he's on vacation in St. Bart's.
agreed, he's about as douchey as they come.
http://blogs.dailymail.com/donsurber/archives/15448
He was on Bill Maher a few months back... definitely not a fan of government and our political processes... his problem is that he needs some type of speaking coach. He tends to get excited and start ranting... if he could prepare a brief list of talking points and stick to the list, he would be fine... but as is, it's like watching the Mike Myers skit where he's tied to the jungle gym and they feed him chocolate and he goes apeshit.
that wasn't junk, that was funny.
He is smarter than he comes across.
What would he be if he "had a clue"? Unemployed would be my guess.
He is a character to most people. He is sticking his neck wayyyy out to reach out to an audience that could really use some sense talk.
I dislike his character. I give him kudos for spreading awareness of serious issues at great professional risk.
If we gave ashton a steven hawking talking mechanism, he would still appear goofy as a reindeer. It reminds me of the airhead bimbo we've all heard before that says, "I only act dumb sometimes." Ok...
He is attempting to communicate with others, but if the point of communication is to convey a thought and he is incapable of adequately conveying a thought, then he need not attempt to communicate... it will fall on deaf ears.
He needs some spit and polish and a speaking coach... it's neat he's an in the moment kind of guy and isn't afraid to engage in impromptu conversation on serious issues, but he really does need to stop and collect his thoughts... if he can balance that, then his charisma on the subject will go a long way to getting his message heard (something most financial talking heads really, really lack). [most of those bastards could put a tape recorder to sleep].
Ashton, how about a Reality TV show?
Justice where justice due...how about a whole fucking cable network, like Oprah?
Im surprised no one has theorized yet this may not just be some Hollywood guy who got a wild loonie idea he should start preparing for things to get bad...Ashton Kutcher has a lot of money and big money guys around who JUST MIGHT have told him 'Hey dude, things are about to get real shitty, trust us on this'.
They probably told him also .. "keep this one close to your chest, pal"
Knowing Ashton Kutcher wouldn't and couldn't because well, he's Ashton Kutcher.
Well, for the main stream population of America who is listening to people like Ashton Kutcher, Oprah, David Letterman, the President and the panel of "the View" for their daily advice on living in general.. the strategy worked.
Watch sales of anything apocalyptic to soar in the coming weeks.
Kutcher is being punk'd
RIGHT! For more retail sales. Harry, you listenin? Buy some more of those dehydrated water packets from me! 1 gallon of dehydrated water....all thats needed is rehydrate by pouring in 1 gallon of water.
Are those the compact ones that come in the half pint snack size plastic bag?
Im surprised no one has theorized yet this may not just be some Hollywood guy who got a wild loonie idea
I'm surprised no one has suggested that Kutcher works at the CIA while moonlighting* for Mossad.
* Bruce Willis allusion not intended. Everybody knows he's NSA.
Hollywooders are entitled to their opinion just as much as all you douchebags.
I think their entitled to have their mansions burned and pilfered when the shit hits the fan. :)
That too.
Interesting, but I think I'll wait to hear from the more "in" crowd.
What does Justin Bieber think?
Well, everything. He's married to Ashton for Christ's sake!
You know the Apocalypse has jumped the shark when even Zero Hedge makes fun of the hysterics of Hollywooders like Ashton Kutcher.
Time to short Apocalypse!
I dunno...I gotta say in an apocalypse he looks tastier than a wild boar. His wife doesn't have much meat on her but she can do the manual labor like all the rest of the infertile females
well planned.
I believe the Iraq and such doesn't need maps and such because we are so poor and such and such because and such and the Iraq.
-Miss South Carolina
http://www.morningtoast.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads//missmap.gif
Uuuuuuuhhhhhhhh.
Can I get a translator over here.
hey, lookit. Any fella who can capture the essence of Kelso like he did has got it in spades. Just think of all the weapons and tactics training he got for that film 'mr and mrs smith'.
Sweeeet
On topic / off topic..
The day that Alex Jones becomes main stream is the day that I'd buy US real estate and dump my gold.
Guys like Ashton Kutcher talking Apocalypse just means that we're half way through the Great Recession.
It's all a bit much lately, don't ya'll think?
If we are talking the "end of days" here, either literally or figuratively, why the F wouldn't you want to catch the F'n bomb, or ateroid, or whatever along with me? May my plasma spray in your face just as an appetizer before your miserable remaining hours or days.
Is that an emergency ation of kielbasa in his left pocket? Or is he ust happy to be on the cover of Men's Fitness?
boobies are god given resources
plastic surgeons disagree
For some serious preparation discussion with a slice of humor, I would direct everyone to hit the forum section of Zombie Squad. Start a chapter.
I know many a Kutcher film has had me wishing for a sudden apocalypse.
Hahaha...
I don't like AK.
But he could probibly beat the shit out of 98% of the people posting in here using his yoga warm up routine.
If you think this is funny, har-d-har funny, snicker, snicker...
Do humanity a favor and keep a small bottle of Vodka with 50 2 mg Xanax dissolved in it, some duct tape and a sharpie.
When the shit hits the fan, write your name, age, rank, serial no, combination to your safe, funny dead guy joke or whatever other information you thought would be important (it won't be) on the tape and stick it to your forehead. Then consume the pint of laced booze and lay down.
You will be a much more considerate human being than those who didn't prepare and decided that "living means something to them" once they saw Thantos knocking on thier door. Those folks will be a real problem for the ones who --Har-D-Har-- chose to prepare.
So laugh it up... But when the time comes brother, do the right thing and save the prepared a bullet or two for the real bad guys.
EOT
couple zanies or any benzo and a plastic bag with a rubber band will do the trick and that way you avoid embarrassment when the hotties at the party grab the wrong bottle and end up floating in your jacuzzi
Haha.. Efficent too.
Got to respect a guy who expresses the desire to care for his family in times of trouble. No matter how goofy.
What in the heck are these people who are yucking it up think they are going to do if / when something happens?
I gather they won't be too welcome around your house Trav... Same in my neighborhood... Makes a fella wonder.
Ever heard of comic relief? Dollars to doughnuts that there are more than few laughing it up around here when in reality they are deadly serious. "Not everything is as it seems." (not the religious reference)
Oh, it's damn funny. He's been a pimp for Obamazuela forever. Now he gets it.
Cubanomics might not be so cool after all, and victims of Che had families too.
Last I heard about him was that he wanted to be the "most twittered" person
Fluff piece for a fitness magazine. Give him a break guys.
Theres so much envy in this site. So much wasted negative energy.
Let the love flow...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKSNHcsqqKM
Let your love flow...
why let your love flow when you can "just let your soul glo; just let it shine thru"....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO9KBFF76MA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sr7XI5auZMU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9-aqJ0Qggkg&feature=related
Hold on.... here is Ashton Kutcher's track record:
1- Starred in Candid Camera for MTV, which battled a show about rich 16 year olds' birthdays for the network's most popular product.
2- As a rich, popular, and attractive (I'm guessing) twenty something, decided to give up the playboy lifestyle and settle with a woman pushing 50 with a handful of kids by Bruce Willis.
3- His choice in movie roles :Killers, What Happens in Vegas, Just Married, etc. (Has he given up on making a decent film?) Keanu Reeves makes far more intelligent decisions, especially when you consider that he turned down Speed 2.
Yet some of us are going to champion Mr. Kutcher's judgement when it comes to the apocalypse?
"Kutcher is stocking up on guns..."---Over/Under on his total ammo stash: 18 rounds of .22 cal
...and a custom Anschutz rifle with only a .17 HMR barrel
LOL
A Vision! All hell's gonna break loose!
Y'all already can imagine as Ashton and Demi's PR outlet keeps the search engines on full tilt 24-7-365 snarking around every nook and cranny of cyberspace to best manage and respond to issues which arise. I like that..."issues"... tee hee.
And they turn about and absolutely must discuss this seminal even with the twosome, for after all, this is more electronic activity than they've seen aside from their very own baitings posted upon the gossip and fan sites in Years.
This shit is BIG.
The search results just tallied over 10 for a whole day!
And they gotta get the client involved. Otherwise, how the fuck can they possibly increase billings for these two? It's not like an Academy Award for Best Unnominated Supporting Ancillary Unnecessadry Stand In Actor or some such shit.
Nope.
This is BIG!
The responses, first impressions!
OMG! How in God's name can they show a picture of my Snortch with a rat pellet photo-shopped over it?
Or, OMG! How can all these supposed anonymous people be so cruel? It must be Brad or Bruce or Elmo the Magic Cow for that matter, but in no way can so many people HATE us. Even though nobody really does hate them, because most people just fucking ignore them, don't think about them much at all.
Except maybe Octomom.
So, next step.... The Lawyers!
Go after that God-damned web site and every God-damned one of those nefarious anonymous supposed posters...
'Cause that'll show the world whose ready for the fucking Apocalypse.
I have no idea why that thought can to mind. Whatsoever.
Rule #1: Cardio
Rule #2: Double Tap
I think this post is a bit absurd but one thing I'll hand the guy is his wife is hands down hot as balls.
Don't dis Demi, Bitchez!
I think G.I. Jane ruined it for me. I think all the steriods caused her to grow a dick.
Now that is one twisted thought.
Demi with a Dick. No wonder her picture was photo-shopped with a humongoloid glob of extinct woolly mammoth futz.
Come to think of it, one could assume that'd go a long way explaining the divorce and new arrangements.
Disturbing.
The only dick Demi's ever had was that bald prick she divorced.
Mr. Kutcher and Demi coudl afford to purchase very large quantities of silver....maybe the two of them are the new Hunt Brothers??
I jest.
Just opened an account at JPMongrel, eh?
No Zombpocalypse? Really?
Imagine a US suddenly deprived of coffee imports. That's some scary shit, man.
Some say the snores alone put off fertility for a decade...how dangerous is someone who is going through their carpeting looking for ground bits of bean?
The Greeks designed and built the Parthenon without electricity, CAD, jackhammers, Liebherr cranes, calculators, arc welders and cement mixers. The construction crews didn't even have mini-skirted women to whistle at during coffee breaks. Still, it got built.
So after we fall off a cliff and cull the population, humanity will be back. Kutcher can start reading Euripides and maybe he'll have a job when the smoke clears. Or if he gets really buff, he can pose for one of the frescoes.
I have never heard of yoga stopping a .223 or 7.62x39 or .308. I wish him well in his endeavors. First he need to have a steady hand and learn to shoot straight. Learn combat shooting practices and Have Food & Ammo those are the two things to have in 2011!! But he has No chance living in L.A. when the SHTF he will have nowhere to go. 20 million trying to kill each other for food.
Interesting topic, too bad it's based on some Hollywood nutcase who never served in combat (unless I'm missing something).
As Dr. Porkchop touched upon, you need a team, a team that is semi-competent in various combat tactics. These tactics are most likely NOT in our future. Are people going to do desperate things, absolutely, especially if they have children and actually care about them. However, TPTB, including local law enforcement, are for the most part, TRAINED and EXPERIENCED, especially now that we have two wars on-going. The average Joe is going to do something foolish and pay dearly, so get these "Mad Max" types off the radar, you only look stupid.
The reality is, like most operations, takes planning, equipment, and of course, knowledge of what the hell you're doing, so please, save the internet Rambo crap. I read a lot of informative financial information here, but threads like this is usually silly, as 99.9% have never been under fire, except maybe a vicitim of a "flash crash." Your basic local police force probably has more training than you.
This is a Hollywood clown, take it for what it is. Those of us that have served, in combat, in various environments will openly tell you: WE DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING. Save the television/make-believe shit for what it is. There are combat basics, and chances are, even in an economic collapse, you're going to get crushed. You'll be up against brainwashed 18-24-year-olds that think they are serving their country, AS THEY HAVE BEEN TRAINED. We're not talking about geniuses here. To even be near-effective, you would have to have an "in" with the Command structure, and chances are, those that make decisions, are not in your reach.
"MAYBE", just maybe, if you have a collective of seasoned combat veterans, medical personnnel and pilots and various equipment, you can delay or make a difference. Otherwise, whatever your basic weapon/ammunition/preparation of choice will be eventually be neutralized. Or, maybe you think: "Hey, I'll take on Cerebrus Capital!" being the Wall Street mongers they are! Well, good luck, as they now own DynCorp, an AMERICAN merc group that is FULL of seasoned combat vets, possibly, people I've serve with, good fucking luck on that.
Ideally, it would take 20 Million armed Americans to be on the same page, not likely. Divide and conquer has been achieved, and every survivalists dream has been shattered. There will be no "Apocalypse", just a lower standard of living for a MAJORITY of Americans. As long as government provides heat, food and a roof, why the fuck would they resist?
***Trav7777*** One of my favorite posters! Harry Wagner, I work in Corporate Law and you're full of the shit you're shovelling.
-1775
"Harry Wagner, I work in Corporate Law and you're full of the shit you're shovelling."
What does Corporate Law have to do with Harry's thriving retail widget business? Is Harry being served? Fraud?
Hey now, Ashton has been working very hard making annoying camera commercials and applying himself to learning the voice command for his iPhone that will request the helicopter pilot to escort them to their new island home when the feces encounters the oscillating cooling device.
I always thought that twit had to be THE DUMBEST ASSHOLE in the room considering he had the ability to woo almost any hot girl he wanted and chose that dried up old man Demi Moore GI Joe. lol And those crappy movies and that stupid Viacom tv show. Anyone or anything that has to do with MTV deserves the instant death penalty imho.
Just another Sheenywood jerkoff! That wanker is a 20 watt bulb in a 100 watt world! I will really be glad when "the Big One" finally hits and takes out SoCal and Frisco!
Yea I haven't been there lately but LA and the area would not be a pretty place once TSHTF. They can hardly keep the gang bangers in line on a good day now. Lets see 2% superrich, 10% middleclass or thereabouts, 40% working poor and illegal, 45% welfare and criminal. A mix found in paradise.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHEUsGhUtgg
Captain America's been torn apart
Now he's a court jester with a broken heart
He said -
Turn me around and take me back to the start
I must be losing my mind -
"Are you blind?!"
I've seen it all a million times
http://bit.ly/gxDW3J
Flag of the new fascist America (the old America is dead):
http://tofumary.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/usflag4.png
Clearly someone has lived in a bubble for too long and was exposed to Glenn Beck while frying on LSD.
dudes, let's cut our boy some slack, shall we? Face it, he's flat out gorgeous. He's managed to chisel a manly frame frame from a featureless mass. Plus he's perfecting the deadly combat arts of moo goo gai pan that even the iceman would thoroughly consider in a confrontation. Not only that, you know he's packin' at least 7.5. AK, you've tipped the scales for me- I'm headin' for the hills.....
For me, reading this was encouraging.
It's all about meme transmission.