We all knew this day would eventually come, and unfortunately Money
McBags is not talking about the end of Ben Bernanke's "Reign of Error"
or the Lindsay Lohan
sex tape. What Money McBags is talking about is his going back to
work (well at least the kind of work that requires him to leave the
comforts of his dining room, wear pants, and not spend all day thinking
of puns for Kocherlakota or googling such important things as "downblouse"
and “fat finger”) and thus ending this phase of the award winning When
Genius Prevailed. Trust Money McBags, this hurts him more than a purple nurple hurts Christina Hendricks as he feels like he has built something more special and unique than Enron's accounting, the Sphinx, or Kim Kardashian's ass,
but alas, he has to eat, and other than his readers' dignity, the award
winning When Genius Prevailed has remained without monetary
It is a bittersweet decision because Money McBags' huge cockled heart
will always be with you, the readers, and writing a daily financial
dick joke column for the past 1.5 years (holy fuck has it been that
long?) is something that has started to define Money McBags and his life
in ways that make him both blush and rage at the dying of his might
have been career. As most of you know, Money McBags started the award
winning When Genius Prevailed after the hedge fund he worked for shut
down (and not because of performance, but because the guy pulling the
purse strings was not only pulling many other purse strings but is also
what Money McBags believes is referred to in common vernacular as a
"fucking scumbag who deserves to get leper AIDS of his penis") and he
needed an outlet for his creativity and basically a way to stay sharper
than the tongue of the most cunning linguists such as Groucho Marx,
Winston Churchill, and Portia Di Rossi.
Money McBags also wanted to pull off the buyside's gaff
and expose its hairy taint for retail investors to see how
professionals evaluate companies (and yes, Money McBags just referred to
himself as a professional which likely caused Benjamin Graham to roll
over in his moderately priced grave and the polyamorous one
to hide under his reputation, but whatever). By forcing himself to
write about the market on a daily basis, Money McBags made sure that he
stayed on top of things (though he would have rather stayed on top of this)
in what was the most brutal job market for investment analysts since,
well, since ever, and to be honest, it made him hella better. Putting
out what grew from 800 words to >2k words a day for the entire world
to read made him double and triple check everything because the column would never have worked if the information was off point.
And through it all, Money McBags found a voice and a niche, and
traffic on the award winning When Genius Prevailed grew 20%+ a month,
all through word of mouth (though unfortunately the word wasn't "harder"
and the mouth it was coming from wasn't Marisa Miller's).
Including the reads Money McBags gets on Zerohedge, between 6k and 20k
people a day now read his column (though as most of those readers stay
on Zerohedge, he has less ability to monetize that traffic through
shitty google ads than Larry Summers has the ability to not be a
cocksnot). And all of it started by just going to something called
blogspot (this is the original website which is more of an eyesore than Amy Winehouse's teeth or Jerome Kerviel's trading record) and putting up analysis and dick jokes day after day after day.
Sure Money McBags could have given it a go with newsletter but he
didn't think he quite had the scale (though it was getting there and
there was interest both from readers and from people looking to fund it)
and newsletters are all about marketing and Money McBags has less
interest in marketing than GE has in paying taxes or Antonio Cromartie
has in wearing a condom.
There was even interest in having him put out a newsletter without the
dick jokes but that would have been like asking Picasso to paint without
colors, the Treasury to make a decision without Goldman Sachs'
approval, or Camille Crimson to work without swallowing, so Money McBags politely declined.
While Money McBags did surpass his goal of 1MM readers (yep, read
that again, over 1MM people in the last year and a half read Money
McBags' columns, even if some of them came to the award winning When
Genius Prevailed by googling such esoteric economic theories such as
"gum drop butt plug" and "midgets girls ass holes" (and yes, those were real searches)), there was just no money in it. Shit, Money McBags allowed the guys behind this
to hire an actor and shoot a couple of webisodes of his material that
actually worked pretty fucking well, and that was supposed to start as a
weekly series this past week, but right now, that has been pushed back a
bit and Money McBags is now off to other ventures (those other ventures
being working for the man to pay his rent). But Money McBags has no
doubt it could have worked (and it still might if he can find the time)
because he writes his column like a slightly dirtier financial Daily
Show (though watch the Daily Show and count the bleeps and you'll be
surprised how dirty that has become) only without that annoying douchey British guy and with more tits.
But let's not dwell on what might have been, let's dwell on what was. Money McBags' cockriffic 1 year anniversary column
did a nice job summarizing his accomplishments and since then he has
continued to crank out columns dealing with the most important financial
issues of the day.
He opined on the Middle East unrest with columns such as Big Flaps in Mid East May Require Libyaplasty and Protests in Egypt Cause Market to Take It in The Sphinxter, both of which will likely win posthumous Pulitzer Awards.
His monthly jobs report columns contain more detail, analysis, insight, and boobs than Nouriel Roubini running a regression at a Rick's Cabaret. He is sure it was required reading at the B(L)S and the SEC as soon as they finished their day's work.
He has also written extensively about US macro news including columns
about the Fed's fallacious (and perhaps fellatious) use of core
inflation such as Retail Sales Rotten at the Core while also writing about US economic policy such as Rich Guys Vote To Extend Tax Cuts For Rich, Laughter Trickles Down to Middle Class.
He wrote poems, he interviewed CEOs,
and as he is one of the top 5 small cap analysts alive he has done deep
dives in to many small companies where he obliterated anything the sell
side has ever dreamed of doing by making sweet love to QCOR's revenue numbers (and he is told Institutional Investor will be giving him their new "awesomeness" award for that one), verbally penetrating KITD's dilutive deals and growth strategy, and anally pounding ZAGG in ways that would make Bree Olson jealous.
His small cap analysis has made the award winning When Genius Prevailed
something the Street and retail investors have never seen as Money
McBags has had no agenda other than to try to make money and spread the love (and he has been successful in that, so don't forget to tip your analyst).
He has also tried different things such as an Oscar themed-column, fucking around with spammers, and introducing the world to the NSFW Femen Movement, NSFW Muff Guessing, and the barely SFW Brooklyn Decker nude pics.
And Money McBags hasn't just tried to titillate and inform, but he has created an entirely new style of writing on the internet where he has flipped the Gawker model on it's head by inserting funny/odd stories in to the actual text of his column (usually with the subtlety and panache of an Andrea Musser jail visit) instead of the much easier and lazier practice of posting a funny/odd story and riffing on that.
And the thing is Money McBags has had no editors, no fact checkers,
no substitutes, no co-authors, no class, and no real input from anyone
as to what he should write about in his columns. He's just a guy who
sat in his dining room all day by himself dick joking and assfucking the
market like the sweet little vixen that it is and hoping people would
find it funny and interesting and come back for more. It was like
walking a fucking tight rope everyday with the wind blowing stronger
than Kelly Madison
in a MILF Hunter video as before he posted them, Money McBags had
absolutely no idea if his daily columns would fall flat on their
Money McBags could keep tooting his own horn, but he will digress because as any good analyst knows, one can't be as backward looking as a politician.
Most importantly, this is not a sad time as Money McBags is going to
work for what he considers to be one of the top hedge funds on the
Street. Honestly, if you were to ask Money McBags what three hedge
funds he would want to work for, this fund would be one, two, and
three. Shit, Money McBags can't believe that they were not only hiring,
but that he made it through 400+ resumes, five rounds of interviews,
two write-ups, and a full colonoscopy (though that last one was just for
fun). More than anything though, after making the final round of
interviews for every fucking fund he found that was hiring only to be
shitcanned at the end as most funds are gaping vaginas and decide to
take the safe route and give the offer to the "employed guy coming from
the bigger fund", Money McBags is glad this fund judged him for the
content of his content and not the off-coloredness of his spin.
But it is truly an amazing country we live in (as opposed to a delicious cunt tree)
where a simple guy with a love of investing can go from writing dick
jokes in his dining room one day to investing millions at a time the
next day as one of a handful of investment professionals at a fund with
several billion dollars (and yes, that is what is happening. You all
know how hedge funds work so do the math on that and understand why
Money McBags can't turn this down. And yes, Money McBags will be
performing the same exact equity research he wrote here for free, only
now he will be investing $10MM+ at a time in these names. It is
stranger than Liz Taylor's eyebrows
or the B(L)S' birth-death model and Money McBags can't figure out if he
is now more Horatio Alger or Walter fucking Mitty, but he hopes more
the former than the later).
And the most bizarre thing is that while Money McBags' job search had for months been barer than the Sahara desert or the Shannon sisters
on Hef's birthday, in a 24 hour span the other week, several other
opportunities came back as positive, including one very outside the box
(and if it had been outside of Rosie Jones' box, perhaps he would have accepted it).
Anyway, Money McBags doesn't know what the future will hold for the
award winning When Genius Prevailed. He is not starting his new job for
another few weeks and he intended to write new columns until then but
after taking a vacation last week to celebrate finally having income
again and being able to eat and breathe, he realized that he needs some
time off to get re-energized as writing this column has left him more
mentally drained than Terry Schiavio or Michelle Bachman.
He puts everything he has in to every column he writes as he always
wants his next one to be the best one and thus he places unbelievable
pressure on himself to deliver insightful analysis, original dick jokes,
and new need to know information every fucking day and that is more taxing than Belgium.
Here's an exercise for all of you.
Now here's another one, sit down today, look at your blank screen, and
then try to come up with ~2k words on the market that will be funny,
informative, and get people to come back for more. Now do this just
about everyday the market is open for 1.5 years. It is absolutely
grueling, and Money McBags was literally spending 8-10 hours a day on
each column (in addition to looking for a job for 5 to 6 hours), so he
needs some him time. That said, there was nothing more rewarding than
finishing a daily column and knowing that some random person in world
would now be more familiar with the cockposterous way the Fed has been
managing the US ponzeconomy™ or the long-term viability Alice Eve's best assets.
Right now, all Money McBags knows is that the daily column will
unfortunately die, as will any kind of detailed individual company
research, but he would still like to put out a weekend macro round up if
time permits and may just turn to twitter during the day for quick bits of goodness.
A weekly webisode is still an option too, but it is too early to tell.
Money McBags will know more in a couple of months as he get
re-acclimated to wearing pants during the day and using his slave name,
but he will be checking his email indefinitely (email@example.com)
and is always happy to continue to interact with readers.
To the CEOs Money McBags has talked with both on and off the record,
Money McBags appreciates all of your help and next time you are at a
conference and some guy asks a really cocktacular question, look next to
that guy for a dude thoroughly engrossed in his iPhone and that will be
Money McBags furiously donating to charity.
To the portfolio managers who ping Money McBags on email all day
long, the freebies are now over. Sorry, you all had your chance to hire
Money McBags (and for cheap too) but he'll be sure to not say hi when
he runs in to you at conferences.
To the readers, well, Money McBags couldn't have done any of this
without you. And even though he usually ends that line with a "well he
could have, but it wouldn't have been as fun," that simply is not true.
It has been a a shitriffic last year and a half for Money McBags and
without this daily column pushing him to stay sharp and forcing him to
put out good analysis, his career likely would have been deader than
Bernie Madoff’s trading desk. And without you readers continuing to
come to the award winning When Genius Prevailed or seeking Money McBags
out on Zerohedge and letting him know you liked a joke of his or some
piece of analysis he did, he's not sure that he would have been able to
keep at it. So a sincere thank you to those of you who powered through
Money McBags' thoughts on the Fed and small cap stocks everyday (even if
it was just to get another glimpse at Jessica Pare), he has much love for your time and dignity.
While a famous bard once wrote that “parting is such sweet sorrow,” that bard obviously never parted any of Kelly Brook's
orifices (or is it orifi?) and thus parting is not necessarily a sad
time, rather it is a very joyous occasion because Money McBags will now
have a shit ton of resources and millions of dollars to put behind his
ideas, so for one final time,
It's hard to say goodbye, and Money McBags hopes to be back in some form later on so check back for details, but for now he is going to gently ride off in to the sunset as genius has finally prevailed.
To the fucking pain, loyal readers, to the fucking pain,