This page has been archived and commenting is disabled.
Guest Post: Dr. Blankfein, Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Goldman Sachs
- Bank of America
- Bank of America
- Bear Stearns
- Ben Bernanke
- Cash For Clunkers
- Countrywide
- Credit Suisse
- Deutsche Bank
- Fail
- Futures market
- Gambling
- Goldman Sachs
- goldman sachs
- Guest Post
- High Frequency Trading
- High Frequency Trading
- Intrade
- Lehman
- Lehman Brothers
- Lloyd Blankfein
- Martial Law
- Merrill
- Merrill Lynch
- Milton Friedman
- Moral Hazard
- NASDAQ
- Nassim Taleb
- New York Stock Exchange
- Real estate
- Reuters
- United Kingdom
- Verizon
Submitted by Max Keiser
Dr. Blankfein, or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Goldman Sachs
by Max Keiser
The Financial Crisis was a Hoax. The global casino is open again.
No worries! You actually believed there was a problem when Paulson and Bernanke threatened Congress last year with Martial Law; to blast the U.S. economy back to the 16th century; to crash the market unless ransom was paid requiring each American to fork over $100,000, give or take, dollars in impossible-to-payback future loans today to add to the hundreds of thousands each American already owes forever.
HAHAHA. It's all good, bro. Goldman Sachs and the other cruel sisters of syphilitic lending are reporting huge profits and bonuses. Analysts are begging Wall St. to raise their debt ratios and risk profiles to increase leverage to thousands of times equity back to where it was before their competition Bear Stearns and Lehman Brothers were murdered. The bubble machine is whipping up cash like cotton candy machines at the end of an endless pier stretched over an ocean of easy credit, pay check loans and Cash for Clunkers.
All efforts to remove the investment banking tapeworm from our collective colon have failed, but that's a good thing. We poked the monster at 85 Broad St. and made it angrier and greedier in ways never thought possible and daddy's feeling fine. Ain't no audit going on at the Fed, bud. I'm so happy I could just plotz. You're gonna LOVE what happens next. Insatiable greed meets infinite moral hazard when Goldman eats the Fed.
We're on the cusp of another financial eclipse. The Shadow of Wall St.'s banking pyramid is covering the U.S. dollar in a blanket of Chinese sell orders.
Embrace the moment. While Wall St. has been off-loading last year's crooked schemes; CDO's, High Frequency Trading, and Ponzi profits engineered by pilot-less computers firing a million trades a second into the heart of capitalism a whole new generation is waiting in the wings to get cold-called from Wall St. and sold a few thousand shares of today's hot IPO:
NEW YORK (Reuters) - PennyMac Mortgage Investment Trust (PMT.N), which buys distressed home loans and is run by several former Countrywide Financial Corp executives, on Wednesday raised $320 million from an initial public offering, $80 million less than planned.
The Calabasas, California-based company sold 16 million shares at $20 each. It had on July 16 projected an offering of 20 million shares at $20 each. The company had also said it hoped to raise $400 million from the offering. The company plans to operate as a real estate investment trust. Its shares are expected to begin trading on Thursday on the New York Stock Exchange under the symbol "PMT." Bank of America Merrill Lynch, Credit Suisse and Deutsche Bank Securities Inc arranged the IPO.
Your neighbor will be 'making a killing' as re-re-re-repackaged sub-sub-sub-prime debts bought from the government - who bought them from Goldman - who bought them from the government before skyrocketing from $20 to $2,000 while you relax aboard the Virgin Gallatic to outer space.
The CCX (Chicago Climate Exchange) owned in part by the same double dealing banks that have been rigging the game in New York, Beijing, Tokyo, Moscow and all points in between invites you to play in the carbon futures market. In the UK, DTQ's (Domestic Trade Quotients) give homeless people a swipe card that will top up with credits as a result of having relatively minuscule carbon 'foot prints.' Greed and good will finally be trading side-by-side 24/7 and anyone looking to hedge their wickedness can go long altruism for pennies on the dollar.
Political futures will become much bigger as state economies fail and gambling becomes legalized. Sites like InTrade that offer ways for punters to make political bets, as some bet that Obama would be President when his chances were less than 5% did, and make a bundle. The McCain camp tried to manipulate that market remember, but you knew that. That's why you shorted McCain at the top!
Hollywood futures will be much bigger. Look for studios to sabotage each other's projects by short selling and 'naked' short selling competing projects on the Cantor Exchange to drive the perception of a film's popularity down before it's released. No problem, just spend more on marketing. More money will be made trading box office futures than at the box office. Inside information will become legal. Milton Friedman will rise from the dead and advise the Honduran government. Brat Pitt will star.
High Frequency Trading (HFT) aka 'flash trading' will continue to grow exponentially. Trading will become so fast, time itself will have a public offering after Microsoft secures a patent on it and trading time futures will catapult traders backwards and forwards through time until they need bailouts on debts they have not yet incurred. Tim Geitner will sell his house in Larchmont.
Cloning time traders will get Congressional approval confusing the boundary between time and money further causing Warren Buffet to pass a kidney stone that looks exactly like Larry Ellison. Time Bandits will steal the DNA of time trading clones and sell the proprietary code to a Japanese housewife who will use it to crash the Icelandic Krona (again) because she thinks she's over paying for a plate of sushi in Reykjavik.
People will start taking themselves public on new Citizen Exchanges created by Obama; commit public sex acts to boost their stock price than short themselves before committing suicide to cash in out-of-the-money puts they bought on themselves. As a result, the porn industry will need a bailout.
Babies will abort themselves to avoid declaring bankruptcy on charges racked up on in vitro credit cards force-sold to them by Visa through their Verizon owned umbilical cords.
Facebook and Twitter will go public and will each have market caps bigger than Google causing the NASDAQ to shoot to all time new highs. Users will tweat and blog for insider stock. Perez Hilton will become a billionaire. The more you look in the mirror the more you get paid. Narcissism will get monetized by the Feds with some help by Nassim Taleb.
Thanks Lloyd Blankfein, current CEO of Goldman Sachs and future President of the United States. We are eternally in your debt.
»
- 8771 reads
- Printer-friendly version
- Send to friend
- advertisements -
the man is insane ... i like it ..
this piece isn't even funny... grow up man
course not, it reflects reality and that isn't funny either.
exactly.
this piece isn't even funny... grow up man
He is the man knocking on your door to explain that your house is on fire.
Turn him away.
WIN LOL
The Stock Market Economy
Another day, more easy money for longs.
The market will remain irrational long enough for bulls to make money hand over fist.
Great piece. And America really will not care.
It is just wiping the sweat off its brow as the stock market goes parabolic.
Some of this so-called satire appears to be levied at capitalism itself. While I agree that trading on insider information is a bad deal and a scam at best, I don't agree that owning infrastructure (even 'fundamentally necessary' infrastructure, such as verizon does,) is a bad thing, or even slightly so. Lets not go throwing the baby out with the bathwater... unless you're really serious about this project mayhem shit, and that is a little more childish that I'd have expected.
Listen, it's fine to be frustrated, and great to express your frustration, but nobody, justified or not, has the right to pull the cornerstones out from even a tumbling building while there are other living people still inside. No matter how wrong headed the inhabitants are, you can't try to kill them unless they're earnestly trying to kill you first.
Civil disobedience, for example, is ok in order to bring a case to court, so that injustice may be exposed. But, a sit-in in someone's private living room, peaceful or not, is unjustified.
So lets keep some perspective, and recognize that the universal 'I hope the walls come crashing down so they see I was right to begin with,' idea is no better than 'you owe some of the spoils of your success to someone else because they don't have it.' Neither one of these ideas is going to help anyone, (though the former may be more viscerally satisfactory.)
So, do you actually stay inside the building when it's burning and everyone else has already fled? Because, you know, there's no need to panic, and the fire truck will be here soon, and hopefully they'll put out the flames before you suffer 3rd degree burns to 90% of your body.
I am Chumbawamba, and just for spite I am flagging your comment as junk.
Goldman is bunk, I'm not disputing that, but I don't want to see civilization come to a screeching halt just so some of us get to say 'I told you so.' That's my only point.
This so has nothing to do with anyone telling anyone 'I told you so'. This is about allowing gravity and the laws of physics, cause and effect, action and consequence, etc. etc. to do their thing, because that is the way the universe operates, and the who hell are we to try to escape or pretend these laws don't exist.
If that is the case then I'm fine with that. But, from what I have been reading in some of the comments (not in the articles, for the most part, and not in most of the comments,) there seems to be a creeping attitude that we should just blow the whole thing up (not simply allow it to blow itself up.) I'm perhaps falsely getting that vibe from this post, but that's what I was responding to. Gravity and letting the failed fail is a great idea. Just blowing up the world soddom and gommorah style is what I'm not in favor of. This may not apply to you, and may not apply to your comments, and I certainly don't generally apply it to what I read on this site. Just some of the comments and this particular guest post in particular appeared to me, which is just me and my sometimes not so humble opinion, to be advocating total destruction and to hell with the bystanders. Of course not directly.
aldousd, Goldman and the Fed/Treasury messed with what used to be a "market". They couldn't handle the fact that hedge funds and others could clean up their mess because that would have meant they were no longer the center of the universe. So they took it about themselves to use government powers and intervention to SAVE THEIR OWN ASZ. The economy could have saved itself just fine in a FREE MARKET. Instead Goldman protected Goldman. So that's the mentality out there ok. These oligarchic tools have destroyed free market processes.
I want to see riots. I want to see people hanging from lamp posts. You see, the "legal" system is rigged. Elections, court cases, protests all play into the hands of the powers that be. The only way we see real change is through violence.
ok, so lets went the anger and then go back to business as usual, continue to to what you have always been doing, just because it worked so great.
haha, I'm certainly not advocating that at all.
aldousd, there is still a bit of semen on your chin.
Please get the fu c k out of here and wipe off your chin.
good one! you really should write that one down.
I did, and you read it.
A+.
I am Chumbawamba.
Do the numbers even matter anymore?
When will the federal government announce a surplus?
This year? Why not?
Just say we have accidentally had one too many zero's on the deficit for too long. Plus, Paulson had stored some money in a closet right before he left town and it was just discovered. Everything's fine now folks.
If Goldman can print money why can't the rest of us?
The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test meets Wall Street
Isn;t it time you get over your infactuation with Goldman Sachs? There are so many things worth writing. I love this blog my man, but writing something else other than Goldman Sachs.
nah...they'll be benefiting from all the money they scammed for a long time so why let time pass and let people forget
Go Max!
Paulson did it for the lulz
Cute piece.
I gather you gou PMS instead of PMT?
got to love a healthy sarcasm on early monday morning. safe flight everyone!
I love to start my day off with a helping of literary Tourette's Syndrome. Brilliant stuff!!!
Tin foil hats, people. Tin Foil Hats.
Awesome, Max! We are insane!
Martial Law? Thought he was a Pro Bowl cornerback? Why would Paulson use him to threaten Congress? Wouldn't Congress just then run the ball?
You're thinking of Martial Faulk. He's still an awesome weapon; you have to respect his threat from the backfield.
Tyler - You should really get Saturday Night Live to do something with this. Transforming that into a SNL live tableau, will probably displace "Cowbell" in SNL rankings.
Please do it sir.
Pretty funny, especially this part.
High Frequency Trading (HFT) aka 'flash trading' will continue to grow exponentially. Trading will become so fast, time itself will have a public offering after Microsoft secures a patent on it and trading time futures will catapult traders backwards and forwards through time until they need bailouts on debts they have not yet incurred.
So yes, the guys style is hair on fire at all times. Taking things to their illogical conclusion.
Listen, no short bald Jewish guy is ever going to be president so just relax. Besides why would you want to be when your bonds are priced higher than his.
In Slim Pickens We Trust
Obama: Why so socialist?
http://www.zazzle.com/obama_joker_socialist_front_tshirt-235327066989682670
Advertisement for Zazzle.
User needs to be banned.
A guy sure could have a great weekend in Vegas with all this stuff...
ANYTHING Max Keiser ,Tyler Durden, Janet Tavakoli or R. Christopher Whalen or Martin Mayer has to say, I want to know.
ANYTHING
I like Max. He probably feels we are reaching the insanity stage (aka more cowbell).
The people revolution: don't pay taxes, don't pay debt, let your congressman know you've quit the bizarro system until the government is back working for the people.
"Tweat"??
Best piece so far from Keiser. The Theatre will be most entertaining indeed