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Guest Post: FBI Raids Chuck E. Cheese For “Undermining U.S. Currency”
From Brandon Smith at Alt Market
FBI Raids Chuck E. Cheese For “Undermining U.S. Currency”
The FBI and the Secret Service showed their
willingness today to utilize the expanded definitions of “counterfeit
currency” and “domestic terrorism” brought about by the recent
conviction of Bernard von NotHaus of the alternative currency outlet
“Liberty Dollar” when the agencies initiated a surprise raid on an
unsuspecting Chuck E. Cheese establishment in Des Moines, Iowa.
Chuck E Cheese is charged with violations of 18
U.S.C. § 514, which covers the counterfeiting of Federal instruments,
including currency, as well as 18 U.S.C. § 486, which states:
Whoever, except as authorized by law,
makes or utters or passes, or attempts to utter or pass, any coins of
gold or silver or other metal, or alloys of metals, intended for use as
current money, whether in the resemblance of coins of the United States
or of foreign countries, or of original design, shall be fined under
this title or imprisoned not more than five years, or both.
The statute phrases “intended for use as current
money”, as well as “of original design” are extremely vague and wide
open for any number of unconstitutional interpretations. Traditionally,
the concept of “resemblance” or “similitude” in terms of counterfeiting
has been considered to mean an attempt to make an exact copy or near
exact copy of a unit of U.S. currency with the intent to illegally
replicate its appearance as well as its value. However, the
FBI found that the Liberty Dollar decision, and the “precedent” set by
it, actually expanded the definition of “resemblance and similitude” to
mean almost any privately made coin or barter token. That
is to say, there are no longer any exact guidelines for what actually
constitutes “counterfeiting”, and therefore, all alternative currencies
are now fair game, including the insidiously prevalent Chuck E. Cheese
game token.
“Haven’t you ever been at the laundry mat with a
pocket of change thinking you have plenty of quarters, only to discover
that most of them are Chuck E. Cheese tokens?!” railed Anne Tompkins,
Department of Justice prosecutor in the Liberty Dollar case, as she read
from a carefully prepared DHS script. “That is close enough to counterfeiting for me! It is a blatant destabilization of our democratic economy! What are you supposed to do, let your underpants wallow in filth while Chuck E. Cheese makes a profit? I say no to these financial terrorists!”
“We have to start making examples out of these
alternative currency people,” said Agent Heinrich Himmler of the FBI,
who was part of the Des Moines raid, “if we don’t chill enthusiasm for
this kind of black market activity and so called “free trade” now, then
who knows what could happen! We can’t have average citizens attempting to operate their own commerce. That would be un-American!”
Himmler’s sentiments were echoed by Southern Poverty Law Center mascot and all around swell guy, Mark Potok, who stated:
“We know for a fact that the private trade of any
alternative currency directly funds terrorist organizations like “white
Al Qaeda” (white Al Qaeda is a franchise of Al Qaeda LTD., all rights reserved), the Ku Klux Klan Anti-Semite Aryan Stormfront Warriors, and, the dreaded Cobra Commandos, not to mention the Decepticons. I
have no proof of this…..but I work with the Department of Homeland
Security, so clearly I don’t need to explain myself to you…”
He related further:
“The majority of Chuck E. Cheese customers are obviously right wing extremists with aspirations of homegrown terrorism. They
openly believe in outlandish conspiracy theories, including the claim
that the American economy is on a bullet-train to hell, its greased
lighting supplied by the rampant unaccountable activities of the Federal
Reserve, including their deliberate destruction of our monetary system. These accusations are preposterous. I see absolutely no signs that the economy or the dollar are in any danger whatsoever. Frankly, only a man like Timothy McVeigh would eat at Chuck E. Cheese.”
“Chuck E. Cheese will deny they cater to terrorists, but who are they to argue with me? I have an open invitation to appear on MSNBC anytime I want and say anything I want without ever being questioned. I could go on Hardball, wax my bikini line, and do a naked hula dance in Chris Matthews’ face and no one would say a damn thing! I’m freaken’ untouchable!”
The Secret Service and the FBI were confronted at
the scene of the raid by alternative media proponents who questioned the
validity of the action, citing an “extreme misinterpretation of
currency laws” in order to “railroad anyone who dared to refuse
participation in the corrupt dollar based system”. FBI spokeswomen Gertrud Klink refused to allow web news reporters access to the scene, and failed to respond to any queries.
“They aren’t real media anyway”, said Klink. “They
may have city or state issued press passes, and they may be pummeling
the MSM with their growing readership numbers, but if it doesn’t say FOX
or CNN on the ID, who do they expect to take them seriously? If
you can’t reinforce people’s ignorant preconceived notions of any given
event with sterile corporately crafted talking points broadcast on
digital HD cable, then what good are you to the FBI? ‘The O’Reilly Factor’…..now that’s real journalism!”
Alleged terrorists apprehended on the scene
included Chuck E. Cheese himself, as well as partners in crime Jasper T.
Jowls and Mr. Munch. Mr. Munch was shot and killed by the FBI while attempting to “gnaw an agent’s leg”. The
West Des Moines Junior Girls Softball Squad (Go Bulldogs!), were also
caught red handed in the act of exchanging illegal Chuck E. Cheese
tokens for turns at the “Whack-A-Mole.”
“We stormed in right as they were about to thrash several unmistakable likenesses of Mark Potok with a rubber mallet. It was sickening! I hope Mark knows how much danger he’s really in….”
Twelve year old shortstop, Suzie Silverton, had a different view of the situation:
“We had just won the state championship and thought it would be nice to celebrate with some pizza and stuff…”
“We didn’t know we were doing anything wrong, you know. I mean, nobody ever told us that Chuck E. Cheese tokens were against the law. We’ve been using them since I was little to play games and all that. They don’t look like any real money I know. Only an idiot (or a Liberty Dollar case jury) would mistake them for legal tender. I asked an FBI man if he could show me where in the law it says specifically that tokens are illegal. He said they make the law up as they go along now, then he sprayed me in the face with bear repellent…”
Anne Tompkins defended the actions of the FBI in a press conference statement ghost written by Janet Napolitano herself:
“Chuck E. Cheese tokens are indeed a form of counterfeiting. As
we pointed out in the Liberty Dollar case, any round metal token with a
portrait, especially a left facing portrait, with visual devices
similar to U.S. coins (which are open to our personal interpretation),
could easily be mistaken as legal tender by the dull witted American
masses. Never mind that the portrait on the token is of a singing rat…”
“We have several versions of the Chuck E. Cheese token that violate the same exact statutes as Liberty Dollar did. Some
of the coins have dollar denominations, like 25 cents, inscribed on
them, and some even say “In Pizza We Trust”, obviously copied from “In
God We Trust” which is prevalent on all U.S. coinage. Honestly,
that’s all we need to nail you for conspiracy to commit currency fraud
nowadays, so all you Liberty Movement insurgents out there can forget
about sound money projects to protect your communities from
hyperinflation. We’re going to tap dance on your graves…”
Seven-year-old Tommy Tuddlemeyer of Des Moines
interrupted Tompkins’ statement in protest over the raid on his favorite
family restaurant.
Tuddlemeyer: “Anne Tompkins is a shameless soulless shill puppet for the DHS and the corporate banking oligarchy! Don’t you see! They’ve
made the application of counterfeiting law so arbitrary that no one can
ever know what the actual definition of a counterfeit is! It
is utterly unconstitutional to leave the interpretation of a law “open
ended” so that it can be used as a flail by the establishment to smash
anyone who seeks independence in any form from the existing system! Plus……I miss the ball pit and the pizza! Where am I going to have my 8th birthday party now!
Tompkins: “You’re forgetting something, young man. Barter tokens are also undermining the strength of our dollar and our monetary system. It is illegal to create an economic system or an alternative currency that competes with the Federal Reserve Note. By using tokens, you are destroying the integrity of our country and putting the financial safety of everyone at risk.”
Tuddlemeyer: “Listen, you haggard she-goblin! I may have been born almost yesterday, but that doesn’t mean I’m a moron! You
can try to misinterpret 18 U.S.C. § 486 all you want, but it doesn’t
change the fact that competing barter systems are in no way illegal! Show me the law, wench!”
Tompkins: “Don’t worry, if it’s not written down yet, we’ll make sure it is before the year is out.”
Tuddlemeyer: “If you
really cared at all about the safety of the dollar and our financial
system, then you would use the power of the DOJ to help investigate the
global banks and the Federal Reserve. They are destroying the stability of our currency daily and right out in the open! Its
apparent that you have no interest in protecting the American people,
only keeping us unshielded and weak as corporate elites bleed us dry,
making us sufficiently desperate before they introduce the SDR as the
new world reserve currency to replace the dollar, and position the IMF
as the ultimate global arbiter of all economic activity around the
world.”
Tompkins: That’s all “conspiracy theory”. Only silly kooky internet crazies with insane mental illness psycho craziness say things like that.
Tuddlemeyer: What?! It’s admitted! Ever visit the IMF website? I thought a “conspiracy” was supposed to be something secret. This isn’t a secret…
Tompkins: You’re crazy, and therefore everything you say no matter how factual is without merit…
Tuddlemeyer: Even if
you were right about competing systems and currencies being illegal,
which you’re not, how did Liberty Dollar or Chuck E. Cheese actually
“compete” with the greenback? People had to exchange
dollars for Liberty Dollar coins, and for Chuck E. Cheese tokens, so
dollars were still being used and traded within the barter process. Nothing you say makes any sense. Man, I need a Flintstones vitamin and a shot of Mountain Dew just to get through this conversation...”
Tompkins: “Ok, I admit it; the raids on Liberty Dollar and Chuck E. Cheese were not about counterfeiting in the slightest. In
fact, the banking elite are unbearably afraid of average people taking
matters into their own hands and applying their own unique solutions to
the problems of economic destabilization. If all you serfs
go around implementing your own financial protections and localizing
your own economies, then you won’t need global banks or the government
to “help you” when it really hits the fan in the next couple of years. If
you people get even the narrowest inkling that you have the ability to
live WITHOUT the dollar, or any other fiat central banking instrument of
intergalactic subjugation, then that would really peeve us off, plus
put us out of business. Can you see me having to work a real job? I don’t think so! I would rather send goon squads to burn down your dirty little suburban hovels!”
Tuddlemeyer: How do you live with yourself, lady…?
Tompkins: I make sure everyone else is as miserable as I am…
Tommy Tuddlemeyer was promptly tasered for daring
to assert his First Amendment rights in a public place and was heard to
exclaim as his head was placed into a black bag that he “wanted his
mommy”. Police pointed out that if he could not afford his own mommy, an inept court appointed mommy would be provided for him.
The DOJ, the Secret Service, and the FBI are moving
forward with similar actions against other organizations using
alternative counterfeit currencies, including Disney Dollars, Roller
Dollars, “common border” cooperation against Canadian Tire Dollars, and
raids on every casino establishment in the greater Las Vegas area:
“We’ll leave no stone unturned” said Agent Himmler. “I
have full faith that with the combined efforts of the DOJ, the FBI, the
IRS, and the DHS, we will scare the holy bejesus out of anyone who even
looks at the dollar sideways. It’s very simple, if you
want to stay out of our crosshairs; shut up, use your Fed notes, and
your credit card, and keep on shopping, America! Easy peasy! And don’t worry, if anything ever does happen to the dollar, we’ll be there to pick up the pieces for you. Just don’t ever try to pick them up yourself…”
UPDATE: The above news story is a parody. Hopefully you noticed. However, the underlying absurdity of the situation is, unfortunately, very real, and going on today right under our noses. The
humorous anecdote is meant to illustrate a point; that the activities
of the DOJ and various federal agencies in regards to alternatives
commerce of late have been growing more vicious and more irrational as
the disintegration of the mainstream economic system nears. Stagflation
is striking all sectors, corporate retailers like Walmart are no longer
able to absorb wholesale price increases of goods and are now charging
much more at the shelf, energy prices are going through the roof, and
housing and wages continue to decline. Centralized economic
structures like our own always struggle to stay relevant to the people
in the face of financial implosion, at least until they can be replaced
with yet ANOTHER centralized financial system. Power over
the economy and power over currency are the greatest mechanisms of
control in existence, at least, beyond the barrel of a gun, and even
more so in some cases. The establishment will stop at nothing to maintain their grip on this mechanism. This includes criminalizing even the most logical and moral behaviors.
The bottom line; whether or not barter networks or sound money initiatives are made illegal is irrelevant. What the DOJ, the SPLC, or even the FBI claims is “domestic terrorism” in terms of trade is, in the end, meaningless. When all is said and done, people are going to look for ways to survive. Barter networking and precious metals are a natural economic extension of this inherent instinct. Every
single nation in history that has experienced a fiscal catastrophe has
immediately sprouted private localized trade in response. Barter is a fact of life that even the Federal Reserve can’t undo. The
key, though, to making barter a proactive tool, is to utilize it BEFORE
collapse occurs, instead of waiting until after the fact. The
key is to preempt disaster with a free market already in place to
provide new options for Americans who find themselves afraid, confused,
and in the dark. Never forget, if we do not take action
now, global banks will be more than happy to introduce their own
“solution”; one that is not so free…
»
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That would be the 90% who have an income and family to provide for. Going to jail and incurring fines and penalties for tax evasion is just stupid; it is not political, it is self-destructive and that means you need to take up time with CD here and get some help.
Prolly some damn furriner.
The biggest outrage and the most terrifying at the same time is that the Jury in the Liberty Dollar trial actually came back with a guilty verdict. This just shows how easy it is for the attorney for the Crown to present a miscarriage of justice as a glorious victory for The People (Inc.) If people are THAT stupid in general well.. it doesnt matter what we do because all they need is to bring a demand to the grand jury and then convict you with ease. The chill factor will work because there is NO protection left. Juries could change everything, but after seeing this... I'm scared. And now they got Chuckie-- We're doomed!
+1, but the judge should have stopped this sham!
There were 2, yes, 2 spectators during the NotHaus trial.
Two, 2, dos, that's all. Where were his supporters?
There were more press folks there than supporters.
Wow! Does this mean that Utah will be nuked for passing legislation that indicates Pms are "real" money?
You had me going there for a minute (scary because I believe our government it capable of this sort of insanity).... why didn't you post this on April 1, excellent parody? And finally, when will The Bernanke be busted for printing funny money and sent to Guantanamo to be Chuck E Cheese's roommate? They can bond in the shower or maybe share a man-cave...
ha ha ha
totally fell for it, flipped out, called people all like wtf.
they prefer to let us 'choose' to use dollars, and may very well try to make us 'choose' to use the usd, but when humanity collectively realizes the size of this shaft, the market will give the power to those most likely to advance the race.
if brains can trump guns, then right can trump might, and these clowns will perp walk into the abyss.
Thank GOD They Are On Our Side!!!
Great post for culling the ZH herd!!! A lot of people obviously didn't read the article in its entirety. Besides, even if you didn't, a little common sense would tell you this is a parody.
Apparently sense is not all that common.
Bitcoins! Designed to be independant of thieving governments and banksters. http://www.bitcoin.org/
So...selling people trinkets while telling them they are trinkets is bad, but turning the fiat into a trinket isn't?
Curious math that.
The rat was merely extracting liquidity!
The Onion right?
Hate to be a buzz kill but as the noose tightens we can see the following unfold:
Revelation 13:16-18 (King James Version)16And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads:
17And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name.
18Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.
"in pizza we trust"....I can't even say that, I don't trust shit about the world sorround me....sad though, because this is what are we leaving to our children?, a world full of shit?, may god have mercy for our corrupt souls.
You just can't make this sh*t up can you? You gotta be f**king kidding me right? So, its okay for Trump to make casino chips to trade for cash, but kids can't use a token to put in a game? What about car wash stations that use tokens? Are they next? Laundromats?
But nevertheless, it's okay for Benny Bubbles to print any amount of money/coin he wants? Or crooked a$$ bankers to steal Trillions and walk away clean? WTF?
God, I can't wait to move out of this country, 4 more years, just 4 more.......
Does this mean they are going to confiscate my funny money from Rachel's? Now THAT is crossing the line.
just like the forclosure fraud settlement commin' up talked about by tyler earlier
.
the .gov doesnt do meaningless small time and they know it
.
watch them bust Chuck Cheeze and laugh thats right they went in and stole his freedom of speech
.
teaching your children... bow down
Chuck E Cheese can't have tokens but Massholes can have BERKSHARES. BerkShares are a local currency for the Berkshire region of Massachusetts. Dubbed a "great economic experiment" by the New York Times. They look just like the EURO.
does this mean my ski-ball tokens have downside "risk" as well?
"...We have to start making examples out of these alternative currency people,” said Agent Heinrich Himmler of the FBI,..."
Parody? What parody? Sounds real enough to me.
“What the government doesn’t want is for Americans to have an escape valve. They don’t want Americans to have an alternative. They want to keep us bottled in that currency so they can steal its value…if you look at what the government is doing, they are laying the foundation for making it illegal to buy gold and silver, to sell gold and silver.” Peter Schiff April 5, 2011 regarding the federal prosecution and confiscation of silver from Bernard von NotHaus
Neighbor: I always thought Mr. Cheese was suspicious. He always kept to himself and never talked to no one. One day I saw him building a chicken coop and a shed. I think he's up to no good.
OMG! whaddabout my $10 Kohl's CASH???
it's digital, too! just like FRNs! flee! flee!
(p.s. i still think vonNuthouse's lawyer sold him completely out and that the man [vonN] is less intelligent than a bloomin onion)
i as well, was mortified. but it is the month of april, i said to myself. just missed the fools day by 13. still got these numbers 1 3 1 1 in today's date.
damn parody is quite powerful, had me going for a while TD, especially learning all about the treasure of natural ingredients to create color and it's origin onto cotton, linen and wool.
i love it here, honest†
The Liberty Dollar raid and conviction was such as shameful sham. The public was not confused or fooled about what these coins were. Only self-serving bureaucrats can asset such foolishness with a straight face. These might even be the same folks who just cannot accept the public's rejection of the Sacagawea and Susan B. Anthony dollar coins, and who tried for years to stuff them into our pockets via the coin return on Post Office stamp vending machines.
I think the Gubbermint should cut the Cheese a break. Something stinks about this story. Glad ZH caught a whiff of this and not me.
Please tell me this is not an unfucking joke. Himmler was a nazi Reichsführer-SS
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heinrich_Himmler
Chuck E. Cheese?!? The Rat!
Did April start over?
Please tell me this is a belated April fools day joke. Please.
Oh wait it is, phew.
Tyler: How many Chuck E. Cheese tokens are in YOUR pocket?
Kinda sounds like a ZH post...
API-Missouri 041211
Federal Authorities today raided a local residence, arresting several people for counterfeiting. Spokesmen for the DHS/FBI/Treasury indicated that boxes of counterfit currency was seized, and a major ring busted. I.M. Nut, who lives at 1313 mockingbird Lane, next door to the ring, stated that they seemed like ordinary people.
"The wife, I think her name was Sammy, Suzie, oh something like that, well she asked for my sunday coupons every week like clockwork and the kids, they were just so cute, they collected papers in the neighborhood from everyone each week. I just thought they were doing environmental work."
According to authorities, the ring was collecting coupons for use in a barter/alternate currency scheme. Spokeman Hesa Boner told the API that "Y'Know that some of those coupons claim to be worth 1/20th or 1/100th of a cent. That is a direct attempt to substitue worthless paper for US currency. These scum were actually collecting these coupons from unsuspecting neighbors for some nefarious purpose which we are still investigating the extent of."
Seized along with 400 pounds of newspaper were 300 ounces of silver rounds and five kuggerands which authorities say were illegal proceeds of the scam.
-0-
Might as well be true rofl. All we needed was a description of a swat team type raid busting through the glass doors, knocking kids over, and trampling the birthday boy's pizza and presents for it to be complete.
(oh yeah and as part of the 'expanded probe' the agents waited behind a little girl playing skeeball to take the tickets away after she was done playing) Little Britney says, "I was THIS close, (extending her precious little fingers about one inch apart) from getting the 15,000 tickets needed for a Flower Fairies girl"
Chuck E Cheese's, where the FBI terrorizes kids!
nah! not to fret, the kids would be placed in protective custody or foster care while the goobermint cleaned out the nefarious parents, like the local fascists and their completey ape-shit "traffic safety enforcement"!!!
the city is now considering "allowing" the downtown mall to charge for parking, since no sane person would park anywhere else in that area, give what the city is doing with parking & enforcement, there, too! these local asswipe time-serving worthless fuking bureaucrats and pig-faced boss hogg pols are actually publishing shit about how, to "allow" the mall owners to completely tighten the noose on eveybody, they will require them to do shit to make it easier for tourists, pedestrians, and bicyclists to fall prey to the Chamber 0' Commerce!
Sad thing is we can all this happening
We planned on this and took all our tokens back and redeemed them for great prizes. Problem is the wife has been accumulating Disney Dollars and I found a stack wrapped in aluminum foil in the back of the freezer.
http://tradewithdave.com/?p=5883
Dave Harrison
www.tradewithdave.com
I hope they never come after Mardi Gras beads. That'd make me kinda unhappy.
Nevermind the banks and the Bernanke. Now I see they are just trying to piss us off and it worked...
Does anyone here know what the conversion rate between a Shmo and an SDR is?
http://boardgamegeek.com/boardgame/21468/shmo
I was about to say, give me the address so I can go investigate over lunch. I'm glad you let me know it was a joke.
This is an assault on Justin Bieber.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AimrmMlD5Tk
He bought a Chucky Cheese.
I still have a NYC subway token from 1980 ... do ya think the feds will move to close that racket down?
Disclosure:not a lawyer
Can anyone give me a mental construct of who/what can't dodge jury duty?
I don't mean to sound condescending about civic duty etc.
I just think it bears pondering in light of some verdicts. OJ/VonNotHaus
Wow. This is amusing but really long. Longer than my attention span on the subject..
When will all the grocery stores be raided for selling toilet paper?
Okay, so any circular piece of solid material close to the size of a penny, nickel, dime, quarter, half-dollar or dollar coin... is counterfeiting... because some moron company created a machine that accepts solid disks that do NOT appear to be US money?
This means that just about every coin made by every other government on earth is blatant counterfeiting... AND... every US coin is a blatant counterfeit of many foreign coins.
The elitists are simply predators DBA government. How much evidence do humans need?
Hey don't knock Canadian Tire money. Eastern European hookers accept this at face value.
Er, So I'm told.
Just imagine the chaos when they start raiding Las Vegas and the Indian casinos.
Someone posted this on my Facebook page. At first I though it was an Onion story, and then I saw the ZH link. I though, holy shit, this can't be right. Well, you fuckers got me. Got me good. I owe you one, fuckers.