JPM Settles Magnetar Charges Related To Misleading CDO Information With SEC For $153.6 Million

Tyler Durden's picture

Done and done. And now JPM is off the hook for ever and ever. In other news JPM made $153.6 million in profits since you clicked on this post. Of course, that's irrelevant as Bear Stearns will be stuck with the bill.

In other news, shares are surging on a rumor of an imminent $153.6 million investment from an unknown source

From the ongoing media conference: (dial in: 800 288 8967 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting            800 288 8967      end_of_the_skype_highlighting pass 208505)

  • The recurring question from the ongoing press conference is why nobody at JPM is being charged, and Khuzami is completely unable to reply.
  • Another question for the porn addicts is why it charged GSC's Steffelin in this case while it did not charge anyone from ACA in Abacus. Either the response is either very muffled, or Khuzami has a large appendage in his mouth.
  • Another question is why did the SEC announce and settle at the same time, instead of allowing due court process. 
  • Question: who at JPM knew that Magnetar was selecting the CDO; SEC response: we will not comment beyond what is publicly filed.
  • Why is there no 10(b) case against JPM? No, the decision is based on the "evidence, and the facts and the law" not to mention the bribes and the SEC exit job opportunities.

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dark pools of soros's picture

and where does this money even go?? or any of these fines?

slaughterer's picture

Where does the money go?  All roads lead to NFLX.

Herd Redirection Committee's picture

Really, so that is the cost of admitting fraud, huh?  Do we atleast get to find out how much they pilfered, so we can analyze their profits vs expenses?  It seems fraud is a fantastic business model in the current economic environment, provided you know the right people, and line the right pockets.

But its all about merit, right?  What you know, not who you know. That right there is at the heart of what is wrong with our society, as a whole.

Check out the latest from the Capital Research Institute "0% Interest Rates - Who Benefits?":

Although buying Greek debt seems like a terrible idea to a normal person, to a person who only looks at the bond market (or only the CDS market) the low price of Greek debt somehow convinced people that they were getting a good deal.  This should serve as a reminder to people, that investing in debt, AKA lending money to people you don’t know, is only a good idea if you are sure you will be paid back in full.  For those holding US debt, thinking this could never happen to you, well, you might want to reconsider.

The other day I was discussing money with someone, and I mentioned that as long as interest rates are at 0% the fundamentals remain the same: expect rising asset, food, and commodity prices, a continually devaluing currency, high unemployment, and basically, speculation will continue to be rewarded over savings and investment.

disabledvet's picture

the irony of course is that "it is all about merit indeed."  perhaps the better question to ask is "what are we rewarding exactly?"  and that bang bus wasn't too impressive either.  i'm kinda picky on the rig thing myself and frankly "it looked like a joloppey."

Don Quixotic's picture

Speaking of JPM, anyone have any idea what that uge spike in volume/huge drop in price at about 1:12 PM was?

equity_momo's picture

Wait till next month and youll probably see some big cheeses disclosing some serious sell orders.

Don Quixotic's picture

2 million shares changing hands and trading the price down more than $1 in the blink of an eye seems a bit excessive and obvious for this type of thing, no?

equity_momo's picture

I just took a look and youre quite right , that is a very interesting print. Probably the specialist doing the usual BS to get a cross done.

Sancho Ponzi's picture

It's not over yet. The NCUA has filed a lawsuit against JPM and RBS.

Bay of Pigs's picture

I'm sure some of it goes to pay for the internet porn bill at the SEC.


Thomas's picture

It gets recycled into TARP.

Thomas's picture

Here's a solution. I believe it was King Henry the second, upon receiving boxes filled with silver to pay his troops that had been debased by the money changers, he had the money changers rounded up and castrated. Let's just say that, although they defied him by debasing the currency, they didn't have the balls to do it again.

disabledvet's picture

i wonder what the penalty for debasing the King's gold is?

knukles's picture

An afternoon on the bangbus

Thomas's picture

Errata: King Henry II. 

earnyermoney's picture

The SEC has a nice office building next to Thurgood Marshall building in D.C. They could use $150 million to upgrade to porn viewing rooms.

LongBalls's picture

WHO IS GOING TO JAIL? That is the question. 

Dre4dwolf's picture

The broke jobless Americans who are being  kicked out of their homes By JP morgan O/C, afterall they need a place to sleep... no?

Our Gov't is a joke, JP is responsible for one of the biggest financial frauds of all time and all they get is a letter telling them to be more discrete while they rape and pillage America.

Raymond Reason's picture

Thats why i'm hoping Bix Weir is right.  These guys have been given enough rope to hang themsevles.  They are being allowed to continue the raping and pillaging until the big crash when they will be exposed, prosecuted, and locked up.   

jmc8888's picture

We can hope.

But usually when hoping instead of action happens, it'll turn out they'll pay a 1 billion fine in quadrillion land, a "We crashed the economy and only paid 1 billion fine T-Shirt"-with a phallic ivory tower pictured on the back, and a free subscription to (clued in by the SEC of course, since by then 2004ish will have caught up a bit by then...but naturally still behind).

They have enough rope to circle the earth like superman turning time back, yet they never bothered to build the gallows.  Talk about misallocation.

Glass-Steagall and someone fire the fucks at the SEC and replace them with monkeys at a dartboard, or hire a entire law class from some university (you know they can't get jobs).


living on the edge's picture


I've read Bix and his theories. I think he is naive regarding whom he believes are the so called "good guys".

Captain Planet's picture

The broke, jobless Ameri-cans are going to jail. 

Competing cheap labor force maybe?



bankrupt JPM buy silver's picture

It goes to The Genz, his hookers, surely his blow, and his retirement villa in the south of France.  Fuck you.

Must be nice making $3.8 billion, and paying a fee for $150 mill.  Shit, I'd do that all day long.  Organized white collar crime.  And we sit here and pretend the Greeks are cooks.  Ha.

Hugh G Rection's picture



Your anger is refreshing.  I'm tired of watching other youtube videos sans f-bombs and bullshits.  There is only one way to talk about these cocksuckers and the corruption, angrily.

Rick64's picture

Ya they will never do that again.

Mr. Poon's picture

Payments of civil penalties to the SEC go into the U.S. Federal government's general fund, which is to say, they are revenue for the Federal government and effectively supplement taxes.  They do not go to the SEC, whose budget is exclusively from the money set aside for it by Congress.

Re:  criminal penalties, the SEC only has civil power and is not capable of bringing criminal charges.  The Department of Justice may launch criminal investigations following SEC regulatory activity, but there is no guarantee it will.

I would accuse Tyler of not having done his research before implying that the money goes into the SEC budget and that the SEC decides on whether or not to press criminal charges, but I suspect (for obvious reasons) he already knows perfectly well how the SEC works and is simply playing off the ignorance of his readers.

Thomas's picture

So let's lynch the bastards (or castrate them). It's simple: either we do it officially or we do it like in the olden days with horse thieves.

knukles's picture

Lynch 'em by the balls.
Or like that book where the guy in Iran who was given a knife, was nailed by his nuts to the wooden chair set afire in the public square and cut his sack off.
Righteous sweetness.
Hang 'em by the balls and when they cut 'em off they fall into a glass pit of badass spiders, scorpions and fire ants.  Kids in the neighborhood'd fucking love it!  Go nuts!  Better than being on the Bozo show where he chain smoked and Mr. Ringleader was slugging off a pint of vodka, shitfaced, hopping around on his peg leg, kid's all yell and throw shit at 'em.
Be a real Epic Wake and Bake moment of Scared Sober Shit.

Thisson's picture

It depends: The SEC's "fair funds" can be used to reimburse investors who have suffered losses.

Cdad's picture

So can I file for redress against my losses incurred shorting JPM during the last two quarters when the company entirely fabricated its earnings reports?

SRV - ES339's picture

Humbled by your wisdom Mr P.

Oh, what's this, most of Tyler's "ignorant readers" are well aware the SEC can only file civil charges... and apparently (unlike you) they get the humor in the piece. Guess that confirms your suspicion that Tyler really does know how some of this "really complicated" stuff!

Man this nuance stuff can get confusing sometimes!

Cdad's picture

Crocodile algo...engage.

What a travesty M. Shapiro is.  Isn't it time for her to spend more time with family?

A_MacLaren's picture

Long past time.  More likely she will have just earned a top spot in the JP Morgue Regulatory Affairs Division.

Isn't that how the game is played?



Anti-Trust the Systemically Dangerous Organization!

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

So now we know the going rate for corporate fascist whore.

Cassandra Syndrome's picture

Lets see if the sociopaths can settle the Silver shorts as easy when that day comes.

williambanzai7's picture

That covers Dimons summer home burn rate for one month.

curbyourrisk's picture

Forget all this bullshit civil stuff.  Can;t we get one person to seek criminal charges against these FUCKS???


Doesn;t anyone out there have the fucking balls to take on the overlord????

Bansters-in-my- feces's picture

Looks like the Judge sucks Amerikan Keynesian Cock of the Morgue also...

He was just dish'n out sum of dat dere Amerikan Banker Justice....

AKA....A B J.........ALLROUND

Ray1968's picture

Boy, at these rates the Squid might have to relinquish 10 minutes of trading activity!


disabledvet's picture

Actually a squid's natural instinct is to flee.  He is food for some after all:

AldoHux_IV's picture

Justice will not be served until the current corrupted regime is overthrown and we bring those responsible for the economic genocide to trial.

curbyourrisk's picture

How do I get long boiled rope????


Why boiled???  This way it doesn't snap on the way down if they are too much of a fat cat...

Bansters-in-my- feces's picture

Americans need a little more Greece in them....

Bend over....and like it.!

Cdad's picture

Americans need a little more Greece in them.

Since the government continues to trivialize, if not down right dismiss, the rule of law, then why should other laws be observed?  I should think this will absolutely throw gas on the strategic default party planned for July.  I hope those folks are successful.  

If the government will not do its job regarding these banks, then it is incumbent upon the citizenry to do it for them...while also voting all of these useless bureaucrats and politicians out of existence.

If Mary Schapiro could just finally end her year long meetings with the TBTF banks for just a moment, she should use that moment to tender her resignation.

Clark Bent's picture

Rule of law went out the window in 2008. Start with TARP, and then just giving the money to the banks (and GM, and GE, after relabeling it a bank). Then the Chrysler/GM bankruptcies, then off the hook for the new black panthers, then reconciling Obama care, and cooking the CBO's books. You are argument is spot on, if all it takes is lack of conscience and one election to become ruler, then everyone can legitimately make their own rules. Why would anyone comply with a lawless cabal asserting its legitimacy is based on law? They just assume everyone will submit because they are so special, and well connected.