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In Light Of The SEC's Pornography Fetish Revalations, Bill Singer Proposes A Simple SOP Checklist
By now it is well-known that the bulk of the SEC's budget is spent on maintaining internet bandwidth to ensure that its 80286-based computers can cope with the terabytes of daily internet porn downloaded by its employees. In light of the need by the SEC to buckle up in preperation for the critical lawsuit against Goldman, which will make or break the agency, Bill Singer of Broke and Broker has come up with a simple list of several Standard Operating Procedures that the agency's employees must adhere to if they hope to have a job next year.We agree with his recommendations wholeheartedly.
REPORT OF SELF-APPOINTED CONSULTANT BILL SINGER
From: Bill Singer
To: SEC Chair Mary Schapiro
Date: April 23, 2010
RE: Allegations of Staff Porn Surfing: Proposed Remedies by Consultant
It has come to my attention that members of the SEC's Staff may be operating under a misimpression concerning a number of industry terms. Please ensure that the following expressions are properly explained to your Staff:
- Initial Public Offering: this is not the first sexual experience with a prostitute.
- Indication of Interest: this is not the negotiation of price with a prostitute
- Private Placement: this is not a consensual sex act between adults
- Regular Way Settlement: this is not the missionary position
- Pump And Dump: this is not an aberrant sex act
- The Spread: this is not something viewed at a peep show
- The Quiet Period: this is not the post-coital moment
- Breaking Escrow: this is not to be called the "money shot"
- Naked Short: this is not an undressed male Staffer on a cold day
- Self Regulator: this is an employee of FINRA not masturbation
- Secondary Offering: this is not a repeat sex act courtesy of Viagra
The SEC must immediately cancel any contemplated seminars with the Thailand securities authorities. This would not be a good time for Staff to be visiting Bangkok. In fact, the SEC should avoid any reference to that city whatsoever.
The SEC must immediately implement a policy that requires all Staff to use both hands on their computer keyboards at all times. Similarly, the SEC should provide Handi-Wipes for all visitors in the event that there is customary handshaking with Staff.
In response to growing reports of Staff vision problems and hairy palms, the SEC should expand its medical coverage to provide treatment for those maladies.
h/t Mary
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HAHAHAHAHAHA +1000000
They just wanted to meet some hot girls from Cougarlife.
Screw it, I'm gonna apply to the SEC. I can surf tranny porn with the best of them; what more qualifications do I need?
we know how useless the SEC's been but the timing of this pr0n news?
Blankfein still has his connections that at the same time the SEC goes after him some crap about SEC pr0n makes it to the media.
You have a point, this is actually old news being recirculated.
12. Going long: it's not undesired effect of viagra, lasting more than 4 hours.
Qualifications???
Fake law degree from Haiti
your turn!
These will go right over the head of the SEC. The fact is these terms are accurate when describing the SECs subservient role to the TBTFs.
He left out "short Squeeze" , I will leave it the ZH crew to offer correct definition.
Seriously... how hard is to put a filter on your internet to block youporn and the likes? I know 99% of private companies and k-12 public schools do it, its not rocket science... but I guess neither was Madoff.
12. Regulatory Approval: this is not receiving permission from the father to marry the daughter.
"When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs"
At least they're persistant and recognize importance of file retention.
LOL
It's all about compliance and CYA.
I think you're missing the positive here. In my days as a regulator the harddrives weren't big enough, nor the computers fast enough, for work files much less porn. The Gov has clearly made a commitment to better funding at the SEC. :)
Wow thread of the day. This is a serious *ahem* blow to the SEC. Amazing. The overall collective number of stories is just getting that much better.
Maybe the regulators at the SEC thought they were supposed to be monitoring porn content and not the financial sector, it would explain a lot.
"We were supposed to looking for financial fraud? Shit I thought we were supposed to be rating pornos!"
That's IT!
Make Blankfein et al, go about their business in the NUDE!!!
Funny post, but the SEC makes me sick...as do federal employees in general...
Why is everyone surprised that a bunch of whores would be surfing porn?
No...no...no...that's not the surprise.
The surprise is that they were paid $100K to $220K a year to watch porn.
Any number of us here would gladly watch porn for only $50K per year.....
LOL
Sgt. Doom, I stand corrected!
"Former Standard & Poor managing director Frank Raiter says in prepared testimony there was a "disconnect" between senior managers and the analytical managers responsible for assigning bond ratings. That, along with weak government regulation, led agencies into awarding high ratings to less-worthy investments."
Now Thats what I call pornography..econoporn by the pin up S&P Hustler fold out
So much for the Obama financial leadership and the Congress regulations. Yes, we can...
Who said that America is oversexed? Wrong. We became a Nation of perverts, liars and thieves. As for sex, American males cannot do it without Viagra and/or whore assistance.
Much of this happened under the Bush's watch
THE XXX MOVIE SEC PERSONNEL ARE SURFING FOR:
http://williambanzai7.blogspot.com/2010/04/swap.html
Those were really clever! Nice work.
Citigroup Oct 16, 2005 Plutonomy Report Part 1
Outdated but still an interesting view of the world from the banksters' perspective:
http://www.scribd.com/doc/6674234/Citigroup-Oct-16-2005-Plutonomy-Report-Part-1
Thanks a bunch for that, Ras Bongo, that was one report I missed in my research.
Amazing....a Plutonomy...and all this time it appears to function like a Socialist Plutocracy, socialism for the ultra-rich with the rest of us on our own.
But then...maybe that Plutonomy is open to a Select Few...
Our tax dollars at work in another agency that is purposely inefficient. At least they are consistent with the prevelant theme these days "No accountability".
This shit really burns my ass and I have no solutions. The no accountability bullshit makes me violent... I'll keep trying to fix it, bit so far I can't find any mucky mucks that give a fucking shit. maddening, beyond words...I hope these useless bastards burn in hell...
hulk .. yes . what a pitiful group of humans
maddox was porn , lol
Better than these non performing federal emps burning in hell, I say we identify them (which I have already done in my neck of the federal woods) round them up and get them to breaking up rocks 8 hours a day for a couple of years....
I now understand why the "non-performing members" at the SEC turned to porn.
I still find it unbelievable that the citizens sit back and allow this to happen right before their eyes, but can still complain about it a few yrs. later when they realize what actually happened. The hypocrisy of it all is overwhelming.
"..and I have no solutions.."
Well, once upon a time some French people had the solution: the guillotine.
Worked for them...
the tiger woods government agency ,
honest i was just watching golf.
and even got some of that stuff at zero hedge lol
disguised as chart footnotes
little porn in the best eyes ,
even the glossy eyed daytraders can equivocate and spin the level of porn away away..
they watch porn.. we watch beautiful unclad bums and skimpy frames .. just paid to advertise a lower form of entertainment ... for the red beady eyes of the family person
SEC bad . we good
Extra Credit:
Compare and contrast XXX vs AAA.
(Not a trick question)
+1000 lol
Now that made even me laugh...
Wait until they get knee deep in derivatives reform:
Butterfly spreads, Texas straddles, contango, backwardation, asset swaps, European style exercise...
They'll rub themselves sore!
now just out of curiosity what do you think she was looking at?
That place is worse than we will ever know as what the SEC does far better than regulate markets is protect itself.
Its shameful and it should be stopped, but sadly for investors and investment professionals, no one is willing to take on this incestuous and dysfunctional bureaucracy.
There have been a series of damaging SEC IG Reports of late. And ALL of them point to serious and ongoing problems within the SEC.
However, considering the fact that Washington NEVER admits it has made a mistake how can we ever expect real reform?
The Fed didn't do anything wrong, The SEC didn't do anything wrong. No problems at FDIC or OTS, or OFEO, or at Fannie or Freddie. How can anyone claim that all this talk about reform and "this will never happen again" is anything but hollow rhetoric?
Readers here may have missed it but below is a fascinating paragraph from Obama's speech yesterday (presented with some context.)
"We don’t want an economy that has the same weaknesses that led to this crisis. And that means addressing some of the underlying problems that led to this turmoil and devastation in the first place. Now, one of the most significant contributors to this recession was a financial crisis as dire as any we’ve known in generations -- at least since the ’30s. And that crisis was born of a failure of responsibility -- from Wall Street all the way to Washington -- that brought down many of the world’s largest financial firms and nearly dragged our economy into a second Great Depression."
I have highlighted what I believe to be the only reference to errors of Washington regulators. The problem is where are the reforms of the regulators? All the Dodd/Frank bill does is give these porn loving petty bureaucrats more money, more regulation, more power, without ANY NEW OVERSIGHT.
Obama was right to actually mention that Washington had a role in the credit crisis. Mr President, where is the serious reform of the regulatory system? It is NON-EXISTENT.
What the WH either does not see or chooses to ignore is that there is a huge distance between the rarefied, and yes political, world of the SEC at the "Commission level" and the day-to-day regulation at the "Staff" level. The exception is the General Counsels Office itself which generally deals with the most substantive legal issues.
Therefore, there are really three SEC's. The Commission level. The General Counsel's level, and the Staff level. The Commissioners do not know what the Staff is doing. The Staff is mostly career bureaucrats who value their own careers more than investors. These Staffers quickly learn there are no ramifications for their errors...be they errors of omission, incompetence, or in many cases for inaccurate prosecutions. No matter what they do, no one down there EVER suffers a serious rebuke.
Not by a political White House. Not ever by a Commissioner. Not by the General Counsel. And sadly, not even by the SEC IG. Congress is forced to leak reports, as Senator Grassley did today, rather than being able to demand the SEC come before The Hill and account for its continued inability to function morally and ethically.
It is a cesspool and no one wants to clean it up.
All the Dodd/Frank bill does is give these porn loving petty bureaucrats more money, more regulation, more power, without ANY NEW OVERSIGHT.
Agree except why should we need oversight for an agency we pay for that doesn't do their job, and what guarantee do we have that the oversight committee will do their job. When there is accountability there will be no need for oversight.
They are purposefully dysfunctional because of the revolving door (lobbyists, corporate employment, government employment, in any order). There is a conflict of interest between these agencies and the citizens.
As Money McBags says today in his midday report "... if they were doing it as a way to research whether Heather Vandeven was causing investors to drop their shorts and get longer, Money McBags totally understands"
http://whengeniusprevailed.blogspot.com/2010/04/42310-midday-report-cras...
Visited SEC office, coffee tasted funny, woke up and bum was itchy, couldn't find my belt.
Today, SEC announced its network was temporarily down.
Stocks dramatically dropped as global porn industry announced a slowdown.....
Newsies watching porn at 11:00....
Goldman is the winner here. The SEC has just been decredited and will be very timid in pursuing any more fradulent lawsuits.