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In Light Of The SEC's Pornography Fetish Revalations, Bill Singer Proposes A Simple SOP Checklist

Tyler Durden's picture




 

By now it is well-known that the bulk of the SEC's budget is spent on maintaining internet bandwidth to ensure that its 80286-based computers can cope with the terabytes of daily internet porn downloaded by its employees. In light of the need by the SEC to buckle up in preperation for the critical lawsuit against Goldman, which will make or break the agency, Bill Singer of Broke and Broker has come up with a simple list of several Standard Operating Procedures that the agency's employees must adhere to if they hope to have a job next year.We agree with his recommendations wholeheartedly.

REPORT OF SELF-APPOINTED CONSULTANT BILL SINGER

From: Bill Singer

To: SEC Chair Mary Schapiro

Date: April 23, 2010

RE: Allegations of Staff Porn Surfing: Proposed Remedies by Consultant

It has come to my attention that members of the SEC's Staff may be operating under a misimpression concerning a number of industry terms.  Please ensure that the following expressions are properly explained to your Staff:

  1. Initial Public Offering:  this is not the first sexual experience with a prostitute.
  2. Indication of Interest: this is not the negotiation of price with a prostitute
  3. Private Placement: this is not a consensual sex act between adults
  4. Regular Way Settlement: this is not the missionary position
  5. Pump And Dump: this is not an aberrant sex act
  6. The Spread: this is not something viewed at a peep show
  7. The Quiet Period: this is not the post-coital moment
  8. Breaking Escrow: this is not to be called the "money shot"
  9. Naked Short: this is not an undressed male Staffer on a cold day
  10. Self Regulator: this is an employee of FINRA not masturbation
  11. Secondary Offering: this is not a repeat sex act courtesy of Viagra

The SEC must immediately cancel any contemplated seminars with the Thailand securities authorities.  This would not be a good time for Staff to be visiting Bangkok.  In fact, the SEC should avoid any reference to that city whatsoever.

The SEC must immediately implement a policy that requires all Staff to use both hands on their computer keyboards at all times.  Similarly, the SEC should provide Handi-Wipes for all visitors in the event that there is customary handshaking with Staff.

In response to growing reports of Staff vision problems and hairy palms, the SEC should expand its medical coverage to provide treatment for those maladies.

h/t Mary

 

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Fri, 04/23/2010 - 09:56 | 314369 Sqworl
Sqworl's picture

HAHAHAHAHAHA  +1000000

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 09:58 | 314372 Internet Tough Guy
Internet Tough Guy's picture

They just wanted to meet some hot girls from Cougarlife.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:00 | 314373 Missing_Link
Missing_Link's picture

Screw it, I'm gonna apply to the SEC.  I can surf tranny porn with the best of them; what more qualifications do I need?

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 13:14 | 314834 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

we know how useless the SEC's been but the timing of this pr0n news?

Blankfein still has his connections that at the same time the SEC goes after him some crap about SEC pr0n makes it to the media.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 13:43 | 314898 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

You have a point, this is actually old news being recirculated.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:02 | 314376 Eally Ucked
Eally Ucked's picture

12. Going long: it's not undesired effect of viagra, lasting more than 4 hours.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:03 | 314378 Sqworl
Sqworl's picture

Qualifications???

Fake law degree from Haiti

your turn!

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:04 | 314379 citizen2084
citizen2084's picture

These will go right over the head of the SEC.  The fact is these terms are accurate when describing the SECs subservient role to the TBTFs.

He left out "short Squeeze" , I will leave it the ZH crew to offer correct definition.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:06 | 314382 fsudirectory
fsudirectory's picture

Seriously... how hard is to put a filter on your internet to block youporn and the likes? I know 99% of private companies and k-12 public schools do it, its not rocket science... but I guess neither was Madoff.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:08 | 314384 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

12. Regulatory Approval: this is not receiving permission from the father to marry the daughter.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:09 | 314388 digalert
digalert's picture

"When he ran out of hard drive space, he burned the files to CDs or DVDs"

At least they're persistant and recognize importance of file retention.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:18 | 314398 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

LOL

It's all about compliance and CYA.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:33 | 315000 Ura Bonehead
Ura Bonehead's picture

I think you're missing the positive here.  In my days as a regulator the harddrives weren't big enough, nor the computers fast enough, for work files much less porn.  The Gov has clearly made a commitment to better funding at the SEC.  :)

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:16 | 314396 TheGoodDoctor
TheGoodDoctor's picture

Wow thread of the day. This is a serious *ahem* blow to the SEC. Amazing. The overall collective number of stories is just getting that much better.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:19 | 314401 Shameful
Shameful's picture

Maybe the regulators at the SEC thought they were supposed to be monitoring porn content and not the financial sector, it would explain a lot.

"We were supposed to looking for financial fraud?  Shit I thought we were supposed to be rating pornos!"

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 12:23 | 314723 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

That's IT!

Make Blankfein et al, go about their business in the NUDE!!!

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:26 | 314409 Hulk
Hulk's picture

Funny post, but the SEC makes me sick...as do federal employees in general...

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:27 | 314410 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Why is everyone surprised that a bunch of whores would be surfing porn?

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:33 | 315001 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

No...no...no...that's not the surprise.

The surprise is that they were paid $100K to $220K a year to watch porn.

Any number of us here would gladly watch porn for only $50K per year.....

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 17:23 | 315389 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

LOL

Sgt. Doom, I stand corrected!

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:27 | 314412 overmedicatedun...
overmedicatedundersexed's picture

"Former Standard & Poor managing director Frank Raiter says in prepared testimony there was a "disconnect" between senior managers and the analytical managers responsible for assigning bond ratings. That, along with weak government regulation, led agencies into awarding high ratings to less-worthy investments."

Now Thats what I call pornography..econoporn by the pin up S&P Hustler fold out 

 

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:34 | 314421 caconhma
caconhma's picture

So much for the Obama financial leadership and the Congress regulations. Yes, we can...

Who said that America is oversexed? Wrong. We became a Nation of perverts, liars and thieves. As for sex, American males cannot do it without Viagra and/or whore assistance.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 16:43 | 315292 DR
DR's picture

Much of this happened under the Bush's watch

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:39 | 314430 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

THE XXX MOVIE SEC PERSONNEL ARE SURFING FOR:

http://williambanzai7.blogspot.com/2010/04/swap.html

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 12:28 | 314733 MsCreant
MsCreant's picture

Those were really clever! Nice work.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 10:55 | 314453 Ras Bongo
Ras Bongo's picture

Citigroup Oct 16, 2005 Plutonomy Report Part 1

Outdated but still an interesting view of the world from the banksters' perspective:

http://www.scribd.com/doc/6674234/Citigroup-Oct-16-2005-Plutonomy-Report-Part-1

 

 

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:42 | 315019 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

Thanks a bunch for that, Ras Bongo, that was one report I missed in my research.

Amazing....a Plutonomy...and all this time it appears to function like a Socialist Plutocracy, socialism for the ultra-rich with the rest of us on our own.

But then...maybe that Plutonomy is open to a Select Few...

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:09 | 314483 Rick64
Rick64's picture

Our tax dollars at work in another agency that is purposely inefficient. At least they are consistent with the prevelant theme these days "No accountability".

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:22 | 314523 Hulk
Hulk's picture

This shit really burns my ass and I have no solutions. The no accountability bullshit makes me violent... I'll keep trying to fix it, bit so far I can't find any mucky mucks that give a fucking shit. maddening, beyond words...I hope these useless bastards burn in hell...

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:26 | 314535 dumpster
dumpster's picture

hulk .. yes . what  a pitiful group of humans

 maddox was porn , lol

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:36 | 314571 Hulk
Hulk's picture

Better than these non performing federal emps burning in hell, I say we identify them (which I have already done in my neck of the federal woods) round them up and get them to breaking up rocks 8 hours  a day for a couple of years....

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 13:14 | 314838 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

I now understand why the "non-performing members" at the SEC turned to porn.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:48 | 314605 Rick64
Rick64's picture

I still find it unbelievable that the citizens sit back and allow this to happen right before their eyes, but can still complain about it a few yrs. later when they realize what actually happened. The hypocrisy of it all is overwhelming.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:43 | 315022 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

"..and I have no solutions.."

Well, once upon a time some French people had the solution:  the guillotine.

Worked for them...

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:27 | 314505 dumpster
dumpster's picture

the tiger woods government agency , 

honest i was just watching golf. 

and even got some of that stuff at zero hedge lol

disguised as chart footnotes

little porn in the best eyes ,

even the glossy eyed daytraders can equivocate and spin the level of porn away  away.. 

they watch porn.. we watch beautiful unclad bums and skimpy frames .. just paid to advertise a lower  form of entertainment ... for the red beady eyes of the family person

SEC bad . we good

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:31 | 314553 Miss Expectations
Miss Expectations's picture

Extra Credit:

Compare and contrast XXX vs AAA.

(Not a trick question)

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:33 | 314562 Sqworl
Sqworl's picture

+1000 lol

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 13:28 | 314867 Hulk
Hulk's picture

Now that made even me laugh...

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 11:35 | 314570 Mercury
Mercury's picture

Wait until they get knee deep in derivatives reform:

Butterfly spreads, Texas straddles, contango, backwardation, asset swaps, European style exercise...

They'll rub themselves sore!

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 12:47 | 314778 velobabe
velobabe's picture

A regional office staff accountant tried to access pornographic Web sites nearly 1,800 times, using her SEC laptop during a two-week period. She also had about 600 pornographic images saved on the hard drive of her laptop.

now just out of curiosity what do you think she was looking at?

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 13:25 | 314861 colonial
colonial's picture

That place is worse than we will ever know as what the SEC does far better than regulate markets is protect itself. 

Its shameful and it should be stopped, but sadly for investors and investment professionals, no one is willing to take on this incestuous and dysfunctional bureaucracy. 

There have been a series of damaging SEC IG Reports of late.  And ALL of them point to serious and ongoing problems within the SEC. 

However, considering the fact that Washington NEVER admits it has made a mistake how can we ever expect real reform?

The Fed didn't do anything wrong, The SEC didn't do anything wrong.  No problems at FDIC or OTS, or OFEO, or at Fannie or Freddie.  How can anyone claim that all this talk about reform and "this will never happen again" is anything but hollow rhetoric?   

Readers here may have missed it but below is a fascinating paragraph from Obama's speech yesterday (presented with some context.) 

"We don’t want an economy that has the same weaknesses that led to this crisis.  And that means addressing some of the underlying problems that led to this turmoil and devastation in the first place.  Now, one of the most significant contributors to this recession was a financial crisis as dire as any we’ve known in generations -- at least since the ’30s.  And that crisis was born of a failure of responsibility -- from Wall Street all the way to Washington -- that brought down many of the world’s largest financial firms and nearly dragged our economy into a second Great Depression."

I have highlighted what I believe to be the only reference to errors of Washington regulators.  The problem is where are the reforms of the regulators?  All the Dodd/Frank bill does is give these porn loving petty bureaucrats more money, more regulation, more power, without ANY NEW OVERSIGHT. 

Obama was right to actually mention that Washington had a role in the credit crisis.  Mr President, where is the serious reform of the regulatory system?  It is NON-EXISTENT. 

What the WH either does not see or chooses to ignore is that there is a huge distance between the rarefied, and yes political, world of the SEC at the "Commission level"  and the day-to-day regulation at the "Staff" level.  The exception is the General Counsels Office itself which generally deals with the most substantive legal issues. 

Therefore, there are really three SEC's.  The Commission level.  The General Counsel's level, and the Staff level.  The Commissioners do not know what the Staff is doing.  The Staff is mostly career bureaucrats who value their own careers more than investors.  These Staffers quickly learn there are no ramifications for their errors...be they errors of omission, incompetence, or in many cases for inaccurate prosecutions.  No matter what they do, no one down there EVER suffers a serious rebuke. 

Not by a political White House.  Not ever by a Commissioner.  Not by the General Counsel.  And sadly, not even by the SEC IG.  Congress is forced to leak reports, as Senator Grassley did today, rather than being able to demand the SEC come before The Hill and account for its continued inability to function morally and ethically. 

It is a cesspool and no one wants to clean it up. 

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 13:42 | 314896 Rick64
Rick64's picture

All the Dodd/Frank bill does is give these porn loving petty bureaucrats more money, more regulation, more power, without ANY NEW OVERSIGHT.

 Agree except why should we need oversight for an agency we pay for that doesn't do their job, and what guarantee do we have that the oversight committee will do their job. When there is accountability there will be no need for oversight.

 They are purposefully dysfunctional because of the revolving door (lobbyists, corporate employment, government employment, in any order). There is a conflict of interest between these agencies and the citizens.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:11 | 314950 MoneyMcbags
MoneyMcbags's picture

As Money McBags says today in his midday report "... if they were doing it as a way to research whether Heather Vandeven was causing investors to drop their shorts and get longer, Money McBags totally understands"

 

http://whengeniusprevailed.blogspot.com/2010/04/42310-midday-report-cras...

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:12 | 314957 mudduck
mudduck's picture

Visited SEC office, coffee tasted funny, woke up and bum was itchy, couldn't find my belt.

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 14:46 | 315033 sgt_doom
sgt_doom's picture

Today, SEC announced its network was temporarily down.

Stocks dramatically dropped as global porn industry announced a slowdown.....

Newsies watching porn at 11:00....

Fri, 04/23/2010 - 16:40 | 315282 DR
DR's picture

Goldman is the winner here. The SEC has just been decredited and will be very timid in pursuing any more fradulent lawsuits.

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