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Listing The Best Replacements For Larry Summers

Tyler Durden's picture





 

Let's cut to the chase: Larry Summers is leaving the Obama administration because he simply could not destroy the US economy fast enough. Which is why the next director of the National Economic Council should not be allowed to do a half-assed job. With that in mind, here are the best replacements for the now vacant post as suggested by Bloomberg's Jonathan Weil.

1. Dick Fuld. Now here’s somebody we could rely on to leave
a big mark. Like the size of a meteor crater. I realize Lehman
Brothers was the largest bankruptcy in history, and Fuld was its
CEO. This is what makes him useful. No matter what he says,
people instinctively will think the opposite must be true. If
Obama wants us to believe the economy is turning around, all he
has to do is get Fuld to say “the best is behind us.”

2. Jimmy Cayne. True, the former Bear Stearns boss managed
to sell his firm to JPMorgan Chase in a government-brokered deal
for $10 a share. That’s a notch against him, compared with
Fuld’s pristine record. In tough times, though, Cayne could be
counted on to project calm, provided he’s far from the action,
say, at a bridge tournament. He’d make a fine second choice.

3. Stan O’Neal. The former Merrill Lynch CEO, who got a
$161.5 million severance package, knows the warm feeling of
stimulus and has ice in his veins. He played 20 rounds of golf
on four different courses during the last several weeks of the
third quarter of 2007, while Merrill lost $8.4 billion on
subprime mortgages. His handicap only got better.

4. Angelo Mozilo. Who better to get us out of the housing
crisis than the man who did more than almost anyone else to get
us in it? Sure, picking the former Countrywide Financial CEO
might seem counter intuitive, given how the SEC is suing him for
fraud. Yet even if he loses, it’s only a civil case. He’ll still
have the most valuable qualification of all: Never convicted.

5. Hank Greenberg. This man has an eye for talent. The
former CEO of American International Group, who resigned in 2005
and later paid $15 million to make the SEC go away, hired Joe Cassano to run AIG’s financial products division. Cassano is the
guy widely credited with blowing up AIG. Another plus for
Greenberg: At 85 years old, he could give Obama a Nixon-in-China
moment on the budget deficit by proposing to increase the
retirement age for Social Security to 86.

6. “Chainsaw” Al Dunlap. The former Sunbeam CEO, whose
company imploded in one of the original “massive accounting
scandals” of the 1990s, would be perfect for slashing
government spending. Give Dunlap a few minutes, and he’d devise
a plan to break up the union, sell off the sand states, and fire
half the federal workforce.

7. A tie between former CEOs Rick Wagoner of General
Motors, Chuck Prince of Citigroup, Martin Sullivan of AIG, Kerry Killinger of Washington Mutual, and Ken Lewis of Bank of
America. Throw in Tony Hayward’s name for kicks, too. Sure, he’s
British. But heck, Obama wants diversity. Plus there’s always
Robert Rubin, the former Treasury secretary and Citigroup
chairman, as a fallback. Too obvious, though. Obama already had
Summers. Why reach for his mentor?

Yet even the two candidates currently suggested for the post are very qualified as well:

Parsons, the former chief at Time Warner, and Mulcahy should have a leg up on the rest of the competition by this standard. That’s because each of them has sat on the boards of multiple such companies.

Long before the government placed Fannie Mae into conservatorship, Parsons and Mulcahy both served as directors at the mortgage-finance company when it was breaking all sorts of accounting rules. For years both were directors at Citigroup, while the bank’s executives drove it to the brink of failure before its bailout.

There’s more, too. Both Xerox and Time Warner settled accounting-fraud allegations by the Securities and Exchange Commission over conduct that occurred while Mulcahy and Parsons held lesser executive posts at those respective companies.

As for who will replace the post just vacated by Rahm Emanuel, we are sure the Russian mob will have some terrific candidates to step into that particular position.

 


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Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:36 | Link to Comment traderjoe
traderjoe's picture

I'm glad to hear stuff like this coming from Bloomberg, which every now and then slips in a bit of truth to try to stay credible. 

I'm not intimately familiar with the matter, but I'd take a bit of disagreement with listing Hank Greenberg. While I'm sure he's not a prince, he wasn't at the company when all of the CDS naked writing took place...

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:42 | Link to Comment bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

how about daffy duck???

he's just a duck, but he's a greeeeedy little duck.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:49 | Link to Comment Shameful
Shameful's picture

Nah he's too pro gold.  Case in point http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AFM8i6jJFOc&feature=related

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:57 | Link to Comment bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

man i miss those.  thanks for that shameful.

alas, yes, i suppose one could say daffy is pretty much pro-gold.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:14 | Link to Comment Shameful
Shameful's picture

 I love loony toons, shame kids don't get it now.  Made it my mission to make sure my nephews have access to them.  They of course love it :)

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:42 | Link to Comment bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

couldn't agree more.  in fact i had a hard time deciding which would be my avatar - bluto or foghorn. 

but now in honor of "the tunes" i'm switching to that other big, dumb, and ugly hero of mine...

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:38 | Link to Comment Lord Peter Pipsqueak
Lord Peter Pipsqueak's picture

How about Kenneth Lay?Talent like that should not go to waste.

A bit hard to get hold of these days,try P.O.Box 88888 Paraguay.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:46 | Link to Comment cossack55
cossack55's picture

Or his next-door neighbor, Hermann Goering.  His 4-year plans kept a broke economy going for years.  Guns or butter updated to guns and butter.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:47 | Link to Comment old_turk
old_turk's picture

Ken died right before he was to go to trial.

His forwarding address is now:

POBox 666

Hell, Hell 666

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:16 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

Way too suspicious.  Bet he's really alive and well living incognito as the janitor at the International UFO Museum & Research Center in Roswell.  Late day before closing, they let him parade about in an alien gray latex gimp suit.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:58 | Link to Comment Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Funny, and possibly true.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:54 | Link to Comment Restcase
Restcase's picture

At his current address, he wears a wooden overcoat and gophers deliver the mail.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:39 | Link to Comment TradingJoe
TradingJoe's picture

I don't understand what you people want, the above are all "nice dudes", highly qualified to break a cup while getting some water and while they are at it leave the Pipes rusty! :-))

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:40 | Link to Comment Everyman
Everyman's picture

The great Carnac!

Answer:  A monkey, a solar calculator, and a case of bananas.

Question:  What is the best replacement fo Larry Summers?

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:43 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Solid gold.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:40 | Link to Comment sweet ebony diamond
sweet ebony diamond's picture

 

This guy is more than welcome in the ZH bleachers.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:42 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

I would have expected Ghengis Khan in there somewhere. Guy knew how to destroy an empire. Oh I guess he's dead now. He should still be on the list to show that we're serious.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:12 | Link to Comment DonnieD
DonnieD's picture

Nero would be a perfect fit.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:19 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Zactly! Who are these other no-name clowns anyway? Real class-A destroyers or GTFO.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:21 | Link to Comment aheady
aheady's picture

Sammy Hagar?

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:35 | Link to Comment xi
Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:45 | Link to Comment Art Vandelay
Art Vandelay's picture

Great list, but I think that many of these people are already under consideration as the next manager of the Chicago Cubs.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:45 | Link to Comment old_turk
old_turk's picture

Left off Bozo the Clown.

Oh! Wait!

He's dead too ... dang.

And Twicky the Twerp has bookings through 2012.

Shoot!

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:25 | Link to Comment FEDbuster
FEDbuster's picture

Chris Dodd is at the top of my list.  He is available, he is responsible for much of the mess, he is not in jail (yet) and he has already been paid off by the Banksters.

Peter Schiff is my dark horse pick.  He would spice up the meetings, he is not afraid to call a spade a spade (you know what I mean),  he has some great ideas to really fix the economy and he could bargain for a get out of jail free card for his Dad.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:46 | Link to Comment Id fight Gandhi
Id fight Gandhi's picture

I take it satan is too busy for the job?

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:46 | Link to Comment dukeland
dukeland's picture

Berney Mad_OFF anyone? Now this guy could teach OBAMAO how to cheat even more.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:51 | Link to Comment Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

Madoff could make government very efficient.  He only needed an old IBM 386 pc to run things.   Ahh throw in a bigazz laser printer and plenty of bill stock.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:04 | Link to Comment dukeland
dukeland's picture

He dosent need the IBM m/c any more. OBAMOA gang has already dispensed with the Accounting rule book. No need to hide behind the phony audited numbers. Hell with proper staticstics .. just take a cue from Greece, now Spain or even its own Dept of Labor (or Dept of Lies).

 

 

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:48 | Link to Comment sumo
sumo's picture

Phil Gramm, the former senator for Enron.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:53 | Link to Comment Spalding_Smailes
Spalding_Smailes's picture

Maybe Phil Gramm can come back to complete what he started ...

 

..."the Gramm Lach Bliley Act in 1999, that was authored by three Republicans, Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas, Congressmen Thomas Bliley of Virginia and Jim Leach of Iowa. This bill overturned the Glass Steagall Act and allowed for the absolute deregulation of the banks when awarding loans"...

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:50 | Link to Comment Duuude
Duuude's picture

 

 

One Prankster to rule them all.

 

Bring back tha Hankster.

 

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:52 | Link to Comment Bankster T Cubed
Bankster T Cubed's picture

I can't believe you forgot candidates #1 and #2

BERNARD MADOFF

CHARLES PONZI (his exhumed body)

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:51 | Link to Comment goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

The bespeckled mortgage broker who's always foiled by Ditech

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhFMD6ybP2E

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:52 | Link to Comment Catullus
Catullus's picture

Mishkin and krugman.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 12:53 | Link to Comment buzzsaw99
buzzsaw99's picture

i nominate tweedledum.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:06 | Link to Comment Screwloose
Screwloose's picture

 

How could they overlook the one man with a sol[i]d gold reputation for destroying any economy?

It's got to be... Gordon Brown.

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:06 | Link to Comment Kataphraktos
Kataphraktos's picture

Wait, didn't Jimmy Cayne kill himself by jumping in front of a subway train?

Oh, wait...

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:06 | Link to Comment Scisco
Scisco's picture

May I humbly suggest Jim Cramer? We need to make the politicians look hip again now that Obama has lost his shine.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:20 | Link to Comment knukles
knukles's picture

His What?  

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:07 | Link to Comment Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Break Bernie Madoff out, he can get the job done!

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:40 | Link to Comment contrabandista13
contrabandista13's picture

You beat me too it dude....  he wouldn't even have to move from his current lodgings.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:07 | Link to Comment still kicking
still kicking's picture

I'm disappointed, nobody mentioned Jimmy "the fuckup" Cramer.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:20 | Link to Comment Shameful
Shameful's picture

I think the list got truncated, I found the rest.

Beelzebub: The Lord of the Flies and the Demon Prince of Gluttony.  Naturally he is a shoe in as Summers the Hutt has been under the tutelage of old Beelz.  On the plus side not only is Beelz more personable then Summers the Hutt, he also has an old world charm about him.  Negatives: Might put forward the wrong example to kids about over eating.

Abaddon: The Destroyer. As the great destroyer no one would be more fitting to oversea the current economy and help bring about change.  After all you can't have change without destruction!

Mammon: God of Wealth.  It may be hard to pull him away from his job at GS, but what a boon it would be to the administration to have the personification of greed right next door.  No more need to call up the Street and ask, greed itself would be present in the flesh! As a side bonus he was Hell's ambassador to England so I'm sure he can clear up the BP spat.

Belphegor: Lord of the Opening. A natural choice because his presence can grant wealth and new discoveries.  He does tend to be a bit moody and a controversial figure, but after Summers the Hutt it should be no problem to deal with.  Might be a long shot because he is difficult to lock down in a contract, but should the administration be willing to make the "sacrifice" we are hopeful they could secure a being to help bring wealth and innovation back to the US.

/For my own perosnal decsion I would love to see a Jim Rogers or someone who at least is not openly praising crony capitalism.  Though I will see one of the choices I list above far before that happens.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:11 | Link to Comment H. Perowne
H. Perowne's picture

What, no love for Gordon Gekko? I mean, they had Colbert testifying in character just last week in front of Congress. Why not just give up any pretense of being responsible adults on the Hill?

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 21:32 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Responsible adults on the Hill?  You sell unicorns, don't you?

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:12 | Link to Comment Dismal Scientist
Dismal Scientist's picture

You need a European socialist if you're really going to hit a home run on economics. Either that or an Icelandic banking boss. Remember these guys actually have experience in destroying a country as well as a company.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:18 | Link to Comment mynhair
mynhair's picture

How about Colbert?  Some one to make us laugh as we go down the tubes.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:19 | Link to Comment tip e. canoe
tip e. canoe's picture

Martin Armstrong

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:42 | Link to Comment willien1derland
willien1derland's picture

With all due respect I think in a bid to reduce the deficit we outsource this role - C'mon you can all call the office & receive superior customer service!

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:41 | Link to Comment Jonas Parker
Jonas Parker's picture

Paul Krugman should be on the list somewhere - maybe just as a poster child for Ben Bernake...

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:44 | Link to Comment sly one
sly one's picture

What about Frankline Raines from Fannie Mae?  I think he'd be a great choice!

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:48 | Link to Comment Printfaster
Printfaster's picture

On:

.
4. Angelo Mozilo. Who better to get us out of the housing

No way.  It would take all the electricity from TVA to pay to light his tanning lamps.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:49 | Link to Comment willien1derland
willien1derland's picture

Ouch - +100

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:52 | Link to Comment curbyourrisk
curbyourrisk's picture

On a serious note.....I nominate Karl Denninger.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 17:39 | Link to Comment ThroxxOfVron
ThroxxOfVron's picture

Denninger at the table with Obama and Ben and Timmy?

lolz

 

( How Ya been Curbyourrisk? )

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 13:57 | Link to Comment CynicalBear
CynicalBear's picture

Greenspan's not dead yet. He might go senile- but what difference would it make?

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:04 | Link to Comment solgundy
solgundy's picture

Van Jones for sure....Soros is backing him

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:13 | Link to Comment bankonzhongguo
bankonzhongguo's picture

Frankly, the country is crumbling under the weight of all these quasi government boards.  Not enough staffers at Treasury, Commerce, Labor, the Fed, IMF and BIS to render an plan of action I guess. 

Dissolve this group of idiots.  Do it with extreme prejudice.  In the meantime, divest yourself of any business with anyone that chooses to hire that Summers creep-frack.

I channeled Mother Teresa last night and she told me to tell everyone that if you see Larry walking down the street to be sure to punch him in the face. 

She said G_d wasn't looking, so it might also be OK to kick him in the nuts.

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:15 | Link to Comment Clark_Griswold ...
Clark_Griswold Hedge Mnger's picture

oh my god! there are so many choices to royally flush ourselves down the crapper.

I just can't stop laughing-      how sad of a statement is that.

don't let a technical point like their being dead rule them out, its not like they could do any better/worse....

 

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:29 | Link to Comment Ned Zeppelin
Ned Zeppelin's picture

Jabba the Hutt

At least the tradition of labial throat folds would carry on.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:42 | Link to Comment cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Now that was just cruel.

No wait I changed my mind.  It was funny as Hell.

And Jabba had that whole narcoleptic thing going on, too.

You win.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:32 | Link to Comment macholatte
macholatte's picture

Larry Summers is leaving the Obama administration because he simply could not destroy the US economy fast enough.

 

BINGO!  Give that man a cigar.

Summers is leaving just like any other perp leaving the scene of the crime before he's busted, like Robert Rubin did. He's going to let someone else take the fall.

 

You might want to look for a replacement from "The Center for American Progress" where the Soros thugs hang out.

http://www.americanprogress.org/aboutus

 

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:39 | Link to Comment linrom
linrom's picture

Dean Hubbard. He can then convince Obama to save Social Security by raising the retirement age to 77-- a year after all males are actuarially dead.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 14:44 | Link to Comment pragmatic hobo
pragmatic hobo's picture

I nominate Elvis.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:00 | Link to Comment Cpl Hicks
Cpl Hicks's picture

Christine Gregoire, current Governor of Washington State.

No qualifications other than it would get another Democrat out of here. Gary Locke (our previous Gov) went to Dept. of Commerce. Ron Sims (King County Exec) went to Dept. of Badass Black Guys, or something.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Chrissie.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:00 | Link to Comment Cecil Rhodes
Cecil Rhodes's picture

Top Picks

 

1.  Albert Speer

2.  Jar of mustard

3.  Cecil Rhodes

4.  Jar of mayo

5.  Box of condoms (actually, don't bring no condoms...we ain't gonna use em)

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:08 | Link to Comment farmboy
farmboy's picture

i submit Calimero because I am small and they are tall

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:20 | Link to Comment prophet
prophet's picture

Jammin' Shak, its a slam dunk.

 

More practically, how about Merkel or Palin?

 

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:57 | Link to Comment Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

I was going to ask if Palin could even add, but then realized it doesn't matter for such a job.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:33 | Link to Comment RmcAZ
Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:34 | Link to Comment Steaming_Wookie_Doo
Steaming_Wookie_Doo's picture

I'm getting chest pains reading these suggestions. ZHers have a perverse sense of humor (or a masochistic streak a mile wide). I vote for Larry's replacement to be a cold bowl of pudding with a skin forming on the top.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 15:42 | Link to Comment grunk
grunk's picture

Thurston Howell, III. 

 

He'd do anything to get off that island.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 16:08 | Link to Comment bankonzhongguo
bankonzhongguo's picture

Just wait.  It will be Ms. Erin "CFR" Burnett.

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 20:04 | Link to Comment Nikki
Nikki's picture

All the Jews are fleeing the National Socialist Party and it's charismatic speech giver. History repeats...

Thu, 09/30/2010 - 21:41 | Link to Comment StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

I nominate 'Mongo' -- he seemed pretty sharp!

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