Listing The Best Replacements For Larry Summers

Tyler Durden's picture

Let's cut to the chase: Larry Summers is leaving the Obama administration because he simply could not destroy the US economy fast enough. Which is why the next director of the National Economic Council should not be allowed to do a half-assed job. With that in mind, here are the best replacements for the now vacant post as suggested by Bloomberg's Jonathan Weil.

1. Dick Fuld. Now here’s somebody we could rely on to leave
a big mark. Like the size of a meteor crater. I realize Lehman
Brothers was the largest bankruptcy in history, and Fuld was its
CEO. This is what makes him useful. No matter what he says,
people instinctively will think the opposite must be true. If
Obama wants us to believe the economy is turning around, all he
has to do is get Fuld to say “the best is behind us.”

2. Jimmy Cayne. True, the former Bear Stearns boss managed
to sell his firm to JPMorgan Chase in a government-brokered deal
for $10 a share. That’s a notch against him, compared with
Fuld’s pristine record. In tough times, though, Cayne could be
counted on to project calm, provided he’s far from the action,
say, at a bridge tournament. He’d make a fine second choice.

3. Stan O’Neal. The former Merrill Lynch CEO, who got a
$161.5 million severance package, knows the warm feeling of
stimulus and has ice in his veins. He played 20 rounds of golf
on four different courses during the last several weeks of the
third quarter of 2007, while Merrill lost $8.4 billion on
subprime mortgages. His handicap only got better.

4. Angelo Mozilo. Who better to get us out of the housing
crisis than the man who did more than almost anyone else to get
us in it? Sure, picking the former Countrywide Financial CEO
might seem counter intuitive, given how the SEC is suing him for
fraud. Yet even if he loses, it’s only a civil case. He’ll still
have the most valuable qualification of all: Never convicted.

5. Hank Greenberg. This man has an eye for talent. The
former CEO of American International Group, who resigned in 2005
and later paid $15 million to make the SEC go away, hired Joe Cassano to run AIG’s financial products division. Cassano is the
guy widely credited with blowing up AIG. Another plus for
Greenberg: At 85 years old, he could give Obama a Nixon-in-China
moment on the budget deficit by proposing to increase the
retirement age for Social Security to 86.

6. “Chainsaw” Al Dunlap. The former Sunbeam CEO, whose
company imploded in one of the original “massive accounting
scandals” of the 1990s, would be perfect for slashing
government spending. Give Dunlap a few minutes, and he’d devise
a plan to break up the union, sell off the sand states, and fire
half the federal workforce.

7. A tie between former CEOs Rick Wagoner of General
Motors, Chuck Prince of Citigroup, Martin Sullivan of AIG, Kerry Killinger of Washington Mutual, and Ken Lewis of Bank of
America. Throw in Tony Hayward’s name for kicks, too. Sure, he’s
British. But heck, Obama wants diversity. Plus there’s always
Robert Rubin, the former Treasury secretary and Citigroup
chairman, as a fallback. Too obvious, though. Obama already had
Summers. Why reach for his mentor?

Yet even the two candidates currently suggested for the post are very qualified as well:

Parsons, the former chief at Time Warner, and Mulcahy should have a leg up on the rest of the competition by this standard. That’s because each of them has sat on the boards of multiple such companies.

Long before the government placed Fannie Mae into conservatorship, Parsons and Mulcahy both served as directors at the mortgage-finance company when it was breaking all sorts of accounting rules. For years both were directors at Citigroup, while the bank’s executives drove it to the brink of failure before its bailout.

There’s more, too. Both Xerox and Time Warner settled accounting-fraud allegations by the Securities and Exchange Commission over conduct that occurred while Mulcahy and Parsons held lesser executive posts at those respective companies.

As for who will replace the post just vacated by Rahm Emanuel, we are sure the Russian mob will have some terrific candidates to step into that particular position.

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traderjoe's picture

I'm glad to hear stuff like this coming from Bloomberg, which every now and then slips in a bit of truth to try to stay credible. 

I'm not intimately familiar with the matter, but I'd take a bit of disagreement with listing Hank Greenberg. While I'm sure he's not a prince, he wasn't at the company when all of the CDS naked writing took place...

bigdumbnugly's picture

how about daffy duck???

he's just a duck, but he's a greeeeedy little duck.

bigdumbnugly's picture

man i miss those.  thanks for that shameful.

alas, yes, i suppose one could say daffy is pretty much pro-gold.

Shameful's picture

 I love loony toons, shame kids don't get it now.  Made it my mission to make sure my nephews have access to them.  They of course love it :)

bigdumbnugly's picture

couldn't agree more.  in fact i had a hard time deciding which would be my avatar - bluto or foghorn. 

but now in honor of "the tunes" i'm switching to that other big, dumb, and ugly hero of mine...

Lord Peter Pipsqueak's picture

How about Kenneth Lay?Talent like that should not go to waste.

A bit hard to get hold of these days,try P.O.Box 88888 Paraguay.

cossack55's picture

Or his next-door neighbor, Hermann Goering.  His 4-year plans kept a broke economy going for years.  Guns or butter updated to guns and butter.

old_turk's picture

Ken died right before he was to go to trial.

His forwarding address is now:

POBox 666

Hell, Hell 666

knukles's picture

Way too suspicious.  Bet he's really alive and well living incognito as the janitor at the International UFO Museum & Research Center in Roswell.  Late day before closing, they let him parade about in an alien gray latex gimp suit.

Restcase's picture

At his current address, he wears a wooden overcoat and gophers deliver the mail.

TradingJoe's picture

I don't understand what you people want, the above are all "nice dudes", highly qualified to break a cup while getting some water and while they are at it leave the Pipes rusty! :-))

Everyman's picture

The great Carnac!

Answer:  A monkey, a solar calculator, and a case of bananas.

Question:  What is the best replacement fo Larry Summers?

sweet ebony diamond's picture


This guy is more than welcome in the ZH bleachers.

cougar_w's picture

I would have expected Ghengis Khan in there somewhere. Guy knew how to destroy an empire. Oh I guess he's dead now. He should still be on the list to show that we're serious.

DonnieD's picture

Nero would be a perfect fit.

cougar_w's picture

Zactly! Who are these other no-name clowns anyway? Real class-A destroyers or GTFO.

Art Vandelay's picture

Great list, but I think that many of these people are already under consideration as the next manager of the Chicago Cubs.

old_turk's picture

Left off Bozo the Clown.

Oh! Wait!

He's dead too ... dang.

And Twicky the Twerp has bookings through 2012.


FEDbuster's picture

Chris Dodd is at the top of my list.  He is available, he is responsible for much of the mess, he is not in jail (yet) and he has already been paid off by the Banksters.

Peter Schiff is my dark horse pick.  He would spice up the meetings, he is not afraid to call a spade a spade (you know what I mean),  he has some great ideas to really fix the economy and he could bargain for a get out of jail free card for his Dad.

Id fight Gandhi's picture

I take it satan is too busy for the job?

dukeland's picture

Berney Mad_OFF anyone? Now this guy could teach OBAMAO how to cheat even more.

Common_Cents22's picture

Madoff could make government very efficient.  He only needed an old IBM 386 pc to run things.   Ahh throw in a bigazz laser printer and plenty of bill stock.

dukeland's picture

He dosent need the IBM m/c any more. OBAMOA gang has already dispensed with the Accounting rule book. No need to hide behind the phony audited numbers. Hell with proper staticstics .. just take a cue from Greece, now Spain or even its own Dept of Labor (or Dept of Lies).




sumo's picture

Phil Gramm, the former senator for Enron.

Spalding_Smailes's picture

Maybe Phil Gramm can come back to complete what he started ...


..."the Gramm Lach Bliley Act in 1999, that was authored by three Republicans, Sen. Phil Gramm of Texas, Congressmen Thomas Bliley of Virginia and Jim Leach of Iowa. This bill overturned the Glass Steagall Act and allowed for the absolute deregulation of the banks when awarding loans"...

Duuude's picture



One Prankster to rule them all.


Bring back tha Hankster.



Bankster T Cubed's picture

I can't believe you forgot candidates #1 and #2


CHARLES PONZI (his exhumed body)

goldmiddelfinger's picture

The bespeckled mortgage broker who's always foiled by Ditech

Catullus's picture

Mishkin and krugman.

buzzsaw99's picture

i nominate tweedledum.

Screwloose's picture


How could they overlook the one man with a sol[i]d gold reputation for destroying any economy?

It's got to be... Gordon Brown.


Kataphraktos's picture

Wait, didn't Jimmy Cayne kill himself by jumping in front of a subway train?

Oh, wait...

Scisco's picture

May I humbly suggest Jim Cramer? We need to make the politicians look hip again now that Obama has lost his shine.

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Break Bernie Madoff out, he can get the job done!

contrabandista13's picture

You beat me too it dude....  he wouldn't even have to move from his current lodgings.

still kicking's picture

I'm disappointed, nobody mentioned Jimmy "the fuckup" Cramer.

Shameful's picture

I think the list got truncated, I found the rest.

Beelzebub: The Lord of the Flies and the Demon Prince of Gluttony.  Naturally he is a shoe in as Summers the Hutt has been under the tutelage of old Beelz.  On the plus side not only is Beelz more personable then Summers the Hutt, he also has an old world charm about him.  Negatives: Might put forward the wrong example to kids about over eating.

Abaddon: The Destroyer. As the great destroyer no one would be more fitting to oversea the current economy and help bring about change.  After all you can't have change without destruction!

Mammon: God of Wealth.  It may be hard to pull him away from his job at GS, but what a boon it would be to the administration to have the personification of greed right next door.  No more need to call up the Street and ask, greed itself would be present in the flesh! As a side bonus he was Hell's ambassador to England so I'm sure he can clear up the BP spat.

Belphegor: Lord of the Opening. A natural choice because his presence can grant wealth and new discoveries.  He does tend to be a bit moody and a controversial figure, but after Summers the Hutt it should be no problem to deal with.  Might be a long shot because he is difficult to lock down in a contract, but should the administration be willing to make the "sacrifice" we are hopeful they could secure a being to help bring wealth and innovation back to the US.

/For my own perosnal decsion I would love to see a Jim Rogers or someone who at least is not openly praising crony capitalism.  Though I will see one of the choices I list above far before that happens.

H. Perowne's picture

What, no love for Gordon Gekko? I mean, they had Colbert testifying in character just last week in front of Congress. Why not just give up any pretense of being responsible adults on the Hill?

StychoKiller's picture

Responsible adults on the Hill?  You sell unicorns, don't you?

Dismal Scientist's picture

You need a European socialist if you're really going to hit a home run on economics. Either that or an Icelandic banking boss. Remember these guys actually have experience in destroying a country as well as a company.

mynhair's picture

How about Colbert?  Some one to make us laugh as we go down the tubes.

willien1derland's picture

With all due respect I think in a bid to reduce the deficit we outsource this role - C'mon you can all call the office & receive superior customer service!