Mideasterners Continue to Shout "You Suck Dictators!"
Stocks ended higher for the third consecutive week as protests throughout the Middle East continue to spread like misinformation during a political campaign or herpes in the Kardashian household. Yemen had its 8th day of protests
(and for those of you unfamiliar with Yemen, it has a 65% unemployment
rate, a 59% literacy rate, and on average women give birth to 6 children
each, so in short, it is the Detroit of the Arab world, only without
the Robocop statue), Bahrain made it bah-rain bullets as security forces opened fire on protesters in the capital of Manama, Libya decided to get in to the mix (and how the fuck that Qaddafi guy is still in power is more bizarre to Money McBags than the Huffington Post trying to trademark the letter H, though note to readers, Money McBags is currently in the process of trying to trademark the letters T and A), Algeria and Iran
continue to have more rumblings than in Oprah Winfrey's gunt right
before second breakfast (though how Iran has time to put down protesters
when they are busy restarting their nuclear weapons program, sending ships through the Suez Canal, and continuing to keep the lovely Ayker Lie out of the country is beyond Money McBags), and now even Wisconsin is getting their panties in a bunch
over the dictatorial rule of the teachers union in the "you've got to
be fucking kidding me" move of the week (though if it is Wisconsin
native Heather Graham
whose panties are bunching, then please, bunch away, and yes Money
McBags knows Wisconsin is in the Midwest and not the Mideast, but as
most of you came to the award winning When Genius Prevailed simply
looking for pics of Claire Henry, odds are you don't).
But despite the international landscape falling to more entropy than Sylvester Stallone's face
(because once shit gets worse, you really can't put it back together),
despite commodity prices spiking to all time highs and thus threatening
to change the actual definition of the word "commodity," and despite
living in a world that puts such little value in fiat currency that
people actually supported the making of three Big Momma movies, the market continues to rip because Brian P. Sacks trigger finger says so.
Anyway, there wasn't any US macro news out on Friday except Ben Bernanke got his Fed on at a central bank meeting
before this weekend's G20 boondoggle in Paris where the 20 finance
ministers and central bankers will hit all the spots in Europe. At the
meeting, Benny B tried to place the blame for the current economic
unbalance squarely on the shoulders of those evil currency manipulators
in the Federal Reserve's Office China. Bernanke said “capital flows are once again posing challenges for international macroeconomic and financial stability," and then added "in
fact they are causing almost as many challenges as the inflation I
created by quantitatively easing my nuts into the global middle classes'
mouths in what I like to call a Central Bank Angry Dragon." Bernanke then said the capital flows, “reflect the two-speed nature of the global recovery as emerging market growth far outstrips growth in advanced economies, but hey, just buy the fucking rip."
And Bernanke continued to drive home this theme by saying countries that have been maintaining undervalued currencies have “contributed to spending that’s unbalanced and unsustainable,”
are fueling a worrisome rise in commodity prices, are penalizing
countries that have allowed market forces to determine the level of
their money by seeing their competitiveness erode (and yes, Bennie was
talking his own book more than the inconceivable Lloyd Blankfein on an Abacus sales call), and need to stop being such asshats.
He then reminded policy makers that they have plenty of tools to fuck with their economies to create
fight inflation and bubbles and some of those tools might not lead to a
global clusterfuck and if anyone knows what any of those tools might
be, to email him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
In global macro news, China raised lender reserve rates again by 50 bps as they are in more denial about inflation than Tommy Morrison is about HIV.
With Chinese savings rates so high, small moves in the reserve rate do
less to slow lending than teaching abstinence in High schools does to slow teenage pregnancy
(because note to tightasses, it feels so good) and the government sees
the raises simply as a signal to banks to slow lending (though a better
signal would probably be to pull them close and give them a titty
twister while yelling to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN).
Elsewhere, Spain is giving savings banks 6 more months to raise equity
or else they will be forced to go back to their rooms without dinner or
even worse, be forced to listen to Spain's own Enrique Iglesias sing
Rhythm Devine without a sound engineer.
If banks don't raise equity in six months, the government will either
increase the now stricter core capital requirements they just put in to
place or they will likely just extend the deadline once again, because
that is much easier than having to make anyone accountable. Finance
Minister Elena Salgado said at a news conference on Friday that stricter capital rules were required because “there is still mistrust among investors about the solvency of the financial entities,” to which the investment world answered with a resounding "no fucking shit."
The Spanish government also approved a slightly broader definition
than initially debated of what banks could include in their core
capital, such as any bonds that are due to be converted into shares by
2014 and anything made out of paper. To be honest Money McBags has no
idea what any of this means because the Spanish banking system has to be
more full of shit than the American banking system which is so full of
shit that it makes a coprophiliac's mouth water, but it was a slow
fucking news day so it was either this or 200 words on proper household etiquette.
As for the market, Campbell's Soup cut earnings on weak soup sales as their cock soup with a side of Jussipussi
dinner promotional campaign failed to resonate with consumers. It's
the second time in three months, they have lowered guidance which is
confusing to Money McBags because a dying middle class and a stormy
winter (at least according to analysts when trying to justify bad
economic data) should be a perfect environment for cheap soup. CEO
Douglas Conant, whose name is an anagram for "gonadal counts" if you're
keeping score at home (though if you are keeping score at home, don't
forget to put down 10 points for this), said "The overall competitive environment remains challenging throughout the food industry, particularly in the U.S."
and to combat their shitty performance, they will focus on advertising
to strengthen brands while easing up on promotions such as "just take
some" Fridays and "buy one and no one gets laid off" Wednesdays.
Conant then jumped on his baby unicorn, blew in to his whale tusk, and
rode off in to the sunset on his $10MM a year salary for a job well fucking done.
In other earnings news, JWM beat guesses
of $1.00 by $.04 as rich people are still fucking rich and the company
also announced that they are spending $180MM to buy flash seller
Hautelook which is the the most expensive flash sold since Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl. Intuit rose 7% as their Quickbooks online segment continues to grow despite the protests of Wesley Snipes and that caused shareholder to say "tax you very much." And CAT rose after reporting that machinery sales
rose 49% in three months driven by North American sales as the Federal
Reserve ordered a fuck load of new tractors to scoop up all of the shit
they have been spewing. Finally, JDSU fell ~5% fell after a Citi
analyst cut the company to "hold" from "buy," while a Miller Tabak
analyst did the opposite and raised JDSU's price target to $38 from
$35, begging the question, "who the fuck is Miller Tabak?"
Money McBags has plenty more today on the award winning When Genius Prevailed where he drops another ~1k words of fundamental analysis on a small cap stock that would even make Whitney Tilson's shorts go down (and great job there Whit, did you go long BBI in that pair trade?). As you likely have nothing better to do (unless you are Andy Roddick), you might as well click over and check out what all the cool kids are doing.