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An Onion Financial Reality
Unfortunately, this is a perfect summary of our daily financial lives.
WASHINGTON—Some sort of tax cut or earnings or money or something was
reported in economic news this week in further evidence that a lot of
financial- related things have been going on lately.
According to numerous articles and economics segments from major
media outlets, experts on banks and such have become increasingly
concerned over a new extension or rates or a proposal or compromise that
could signal fewer investments, and dollars, and so on.
The experts confirmed that the stimulus has played a role.
"This is a clear sign of a changing cycle," some top guy at one of
the big banks in New York said of purchasing power parity or possibly
rate of return during a recent interview on CNN. "Which isn't to say
that a sustained drop in wages couldn't still occur, even if the
interest paid on reserves is lowered."
"In short, it's possible but not probable that growth could outpace
our initial expectations," added the banking guy, who went on to say
other money things, too. "It depends on investor sentiment."
The man, who also apparently mentioned the Nasdaq, the Dow, and the
Japan one at some point or another, talked for a really long time about
credit or reductions or possibly all these figures, which somehow relate
to China.
Greece was also involved.
An analyst from Citigroup or Citibank announced on Monday that the
Federal Reserve System is doing too much, while the Fed has failed to
accomplish its goals to increase inflation or interest, which are
different things. In addition, he was critical of the Fed's efforts to
regulate the Bernanke.
"There might be a light at the end of the tunnel, but right now the
markets are still struggling," the man who was wearing a blue suit and
red tie said about some special money tunnel. "At this point, though,
it's too early to say."
The head Treasury person, whose name sounds like Guyver or Meisner,
appeared on every major network this week, either to assure Americans
that everything was better or was going to get better or was never going
to get better. Some other guy argued that it has never been that good.
During interviews, the Treasury guy was observed on several occasions
smiling or wincing.
According to a recent issue of The Wall Street Journal, there are currently a bunch of columns filled with a wide variety of numbers, letters, and symbols.
Geithner—that is the Treasury guy's name.
Another expert, Lawrence Kudlow, who hosts the CNBC program The Kudlow Report, was upbeat over the amount of points available in the industrial average or pleased with where the percentages were at.
"It's simple, actually, because the current dividend yield is
equivalent to the most recent full-year dividend divided by the current
share price," Kudlow said really quickly. "And that's basically the
situation we're in now, for better or worse."
Paul Krugman, New York Times columnist and 2008 winner of the
Nobel Prize for something in one of those economics categories,
acknowledged in an editorial this week that the SEC must work closely
with the stock market, Wall Street, and the New York Stock Exchange to
maintain the bulls, bears, and opening bells. Krugman also said
something could spur lending or trading or budgetary measures.
Although it has not been totally determined whether Krugman agrees
with leading experts on assets or retail sales data or other fiscal
things, reliable sources have confirmed that he has a beard.
h/t Steve
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Obviously CNBC staffers are moonlighting at The Onion or maybe vice Versa.
The Onion? This sure looks like a typical AP or Reuters article found on Yahoo! Finance.
Say, isn't this the same author that predicted the housing and banking market would crash a few years back?
Classic.
Hey, wait a minute........doesn't that other Fed guy have a beard, too? The one whose name sounds like Bernocchio, or something like that?
And those other money guys--aren't they all bald, or maybe they shave their heads? You know, Pat Paulsen, Lord Blankstein, Neal Cash-carry?
They're on to something. I just know it. If you're a crooked SOB, your hair falls out.
Or something.
Gnomes and Dwarves.
fan-fucking-tastic. Kudos to the Onion for that one!
My Onion favorite on fiat currency.
http://caps.fool.com/Blogs/an-excellent-piece-on-fiat/344273
Is it time to close the National Money Hole?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JnX-D4kkPOQ
but, really, isn't that EXACTLY what is in every bit of news from the mainstream media?
They are the Shakespearian fool brought to life, or what John Stewart was prior to Obama getting into office.
Yeah, basically. The financial status of this country and it's capital markets are one big, meaningless, USA Today info-graphic.
Hey but 68% of us think yogurt is a good idea!
Why oh why did you have to bring yogurt into it? Now we'll have at least 400 counter-posts and a junk-thy-neighbor smack-down.
Tool.
Well, you did bring junks into it . . .
Yogurt is often eaten in the Treasury as part of a well balanced diet by at least 4 out of 5 accountants.
I shamelessly lifted that from a Doonesbury spoof on USA Today years ago. But like Tyler pointed out, it makes about as much sense in this context (or the MSM's portrayal of it) as anything right now.
At least Hooters has a " Bloom'in Onion ".
OutBack Steakhouse
SteakBad OutHouse
"Greece was also involved."
Too Funny.
Grease is the WORD Man...............
EXCELLENT!
EXCELLENT!
Really, really EXCELLENT ;-)
- Ned
That's probably one of the most intelligent things he never said!
The most honest thing he ever said was during CNBC's coverage of the Ron Paul smearathon, a.k.a., Republican primary debate in 2008. During the pre/post-debate coverage, someone accused Larry of drinking the Kool-Aid. His reply? I don't drink the Kool-Aid, I mix it!
If only that part wasn't satire. Great stuff.
I thought it was The Onion because you peel away the layers of the economy and there is nothing...except a sour taste and a bunch of tears
I have gas..
ROTFLMAO....
Greece was also involved.
And the Japan. Don't forget about the Japan.
<The Citigroup or Citibank guy said something about a 'special money tunnel' (Erin Burnetts crotch?) and was critical of the FED's efforts to regulate the Bernanke>
LOL
That's called "Covering all your bases and your ass at the same time."
Classic.
We would be so lucky to have McGuyver for SecTreas.
To understand, read Kafka.
It's like, you know, so CNBS or something.
I've been long scallions myself for some time now. It is thinly traded, tis true.
“On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.” –Will Rogers
LOL. The Onion has outstripped Greenspanese, the bankers’ official language, for market low visibility. And dares reveal it as BS comedy. Love it!! As you say, Tyler, a perfect summary of our daily financial lives!
All of which reminds me of a gem of wisdom from TwoShortPlanks recently :
“Theft: Dishonesty, appropriating property belonging to another, with the intent of permanently depriving the other of it.
“When the world wakes up and realizes that QE is nothing more than complex Theft, then what will follow is a correction beyond Inflation, Deflation, or Stagflation…beyond temporary! It won’t be a currency that fails, it will be Trust in the population that holds lifestyle above all else, and/or a population which has lost control of an elite few (the latter can be rectified through revolutionary means, the former is a death sentence).
JR
Trust is the foundation. And the foundation is rotten.
There's a money tunnel alright, and it smells like ass.
LoL sure as hell does! Bernankes crap tunnel o money!
Superb!
That article was like something else I read; vague in a meaningless way. Like so much else not like that in our media. If you follow me. Certainly not unlike that other thing they were alluding to that other time, before we had all this.
I was thinking about that earlier but got tired of it and since then have wondered. Could it really happen again? I mean, this is the United States of America so I suppose anything is possible. Even that sort of thing.
You've been warned.
Something, bitchez.
The Onion?!
No - this must be the work of Tyler Durden et al from ZeroHedge! It bears all the hallmarks of their dry humour and irony.
What?! You mean it really IS The Onion?!
Hilarious!
DavidC
I have long felt that ZeroHedge is either a block-ops project of The Onion, or else a run-away Monty Python skit that never gets to the punchline.
Now I think probably the two groups are collaborating. God help us all.
When the student is ready the teacher is everywhere. - Ancient Sufi quote
I disagree.
Yes, I'm sure that might be correct.
Krugman was a twin conjoined with Robert Reich at the heads and separated at birth. That's right, they are half-brained idiots.
They cannot conceive that 2 half-wits become the product of, not the sum of.
yours truly,
Dim
They cannot conceive that 2 half-wits become the product of, not the sum of.
yours truly,
Dim
regulate the Bernanke
LOLs
doesn't matter.
SPX to 1175 is just the first step
I would like to travel the world and eat yogurt. Leave yogurt alone !
I am Miss World 1864 !
During the first six months of reading ZH, every single article sounded EXACTLY like this in my head. Now, only a simple majority of the articles baffle the shit out of me.
+1
Love your honesty and humor!
Hang in there. You will learn from the majority of posts. Some posts, however, you will want to speed read or skip altogether if you wish to preserve your sanity. The risk is yours.
+1 LOL, I hear ya.
This article makes me want to buy stocks! There are just SO MANY financial things going on!!
THE BERNANKE
ZH is my new cable. I save $170/month. (ZH actually offers more features than simple DVR, rewind, FF, etc. - and best, no commercials!)
Um, I appreciate your tunnel vision, but, there are ads on the site. Look wider.
Tylers, be wary of posting The Onion articles without explicit written permission by the copyright owners...
They are NOTORIOUS for sending DMCA requests and lawyers after anyone who reposts their ramblings without explicit signed contracts.
I know ZH is outside US jurisdiction... but the Onion's lawyers are some of the biggest asshats you can find in Manhattan,
DAMNIT THE FUNDAMENTALS SUPPORT A 200 POINT RALLY AND MORE! AND i will flag my own posts as junnk
"In addition, he was critical of the Fed's efforts to regulate the Bernanke."
Classic
Will I go blind if I flag myself? One way to find out...
Maybe but only on the off days when you don't get hair on your knuckles or palms.
all this is so obvious to anybody who has studied the interratio of privblic debt to nunemployment figures.
"ecognomics, the dismissal science" -- belinda carlyle
That was awesome. The Onion rocks :)
Surely...surely...SURELY, everone remembers the MacGruber trilogy from Saturday Night Live...
If this doesn't shoot beer from your nose, you are a cold fish! The last skit is the best...
http://www.gizmodo.com.au/2008/10/macgruber_defusing_bomb_has_just_enough_time_to_check_stocks_online-2/
After viewing this perhaps I too will discontinue cable TV. Who needs it. You get everything you need on ZH.
As good a read on the economy as you will get from any econmist
By staring closely at the big picture from a long distance we can ascertain various price points that signal either up or down movements in financial things that move. It is clear from our perspective that people with ties will buy or sell stuff that we wish we had sold or bought before they did. Amy Geddon is reporting from the future that shiny metal bits will be necessary to buy or sell congressional appointments or investment bank vice-president positions, which appear to be the same thing. China has released a statement on behalf of the US government that contains lots of nouns and verbs, and we are anticipating links to Youtube.
If you want some MARKET SATIRE - check this out:
http://forums.wallstreetexaminer.com/blog/5-ags-nightmares-blog
God bless The Onion.
See? I can do Onion, too. Though they are better at it.
Indeed there IS a bunch of columns filled with a wide variety of letters symbols and numbers.
Just ask Leo.
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