A Recap Of Today's Emergency Bernank Conference

Tyler Durden's picture

1/28 Emergency Bernank Conference

12:30--PA—NEWSWIRE--ZeroOnions--12:30---FU –U2

Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, in an attempt to soothe global markets in the midst of a breakdown of uncivil society in Egypt, where strongman Hosni Mubarak is struggling to extend decades of control through iron-fisted use of security forces, scheduled a hasty Washington D.C. press conference at eight thirty EST Friday morning.

“Markets remain attractive, inexpensive, and the only way out,” he said to the assembled reporters.  “You can bet the baby oil in my beard that we’ll just acquire that Middle Eastern dry spot if it threatens to take the Dow down more than two hundred points or so.  Fuck the reverse repo.  I don’t even really know what that means.”  He continued, “It’s like that old song … ‘Walk like an Egyptian’.  I mean, it’s what we’ve been doing anyway.”  In a second, and widely applauded, section of his prepared remarks, Bernanke added, “We’re going to do everything it takes.  I mean Everything It Takes.  In fact, as of this morning we initiated the Everything It Takes (EIT) program to begin buying hard assets and certain Middle Eastern and Emerging Market countries with a new Federal Reserve Note called the U.S. “Pooney”, which will be linked to the value of produced-out US shale frac proppants, which can, themselves, be wagered on through a secondary exchange created for the EIT program by Goldman Sachs and, their longtime partner, the New York based Goombinacello Family.”

“There just aren’t any votes in quoting Adams Smith,” he told the assembled reporters, referencing a line recently attributed to the President of the United States whose free market credentials have been questioned recently by the cohort of deviant individuals who exceeded 950 on their SATs. 

The chairman became unusually expressive at one point in the conference, banging his head twice on the podium before saying, “I’m serious about this.  Every now and then helicopters and Hefty bags full of cash simply aren’t enough.   Just ask the CIA.  We’re going to need to actually take ownership and let Timmy and the President show those 21st century cavemen what democracy looks like.”

In concert with this announcement, and as part of the EIT, the Federal Reserve today also announced the 2 for 1 “Mr. W” bank loan program, in which the Federal Reserve will take down a matching loan for any lending that US banks extend, at the same rate applied to the loan to be matched.  The language was inserted in a five hundred page document that otherwise discusses a committee proposal to utilize consumable rice paper in the future composition of US banknotes, but Bernanke also referenced the program in his comments.  “I got the idea from a firecracker stand,” he told the assembled press.  “You buy one Black Cat, you get one free.  Sometime two free.  They sell a lot more that way and it’s an attractive model for the US economy.”  The chairman added that this sub component of the EIT will be directly managed by, “Whoever Lloyd can spare.”

When asked about a recent comment from Representative Ron Paul accusing The Bernanke of misusing an account dedicated to emergency market operations, Bernanke said, “Look, that PPT thing is really Timmy’s deal.  He’s got cover because Paulson kicked it off, so he sort of does what he wants to.  Depends on the day, really - and the President’s speaking schedule.  I think he’s got twenty or thirty young guys helping him and they’ve all got like eight screens sitting on their desks, so you know they’re sharp.”

Asked about the short, abbreviated pinky salute that some staffers and administration officials have been favoring the Chairman with, he became pensive.  “I like it, you know.  Look back in history.  All the guys who really did stuff sort of came up with their own salute.  It’s  a helluva lot better than having to say ‘good morning’ with a stiff beard full of crunchy cereal milk.”

--Arsso Gullabel, ZEROONIONS--ARFU 12:30--PARODY, FU*2 –u2 –ME2—ALLOFUS-^2

h/t TW

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VegasBD's picture

Holy crap this is funny. Who writes this shit?! I applaud you sir. Thank you.

Translational Lift's picture

So much truth in satire.......

Billy Shears's picture

Yeah, the only thing more funny than this is what he usually is quoted as saying.

sweaty7's picture

The bernank is doing with a couple of bond purchases what it took W & obummer trillions of dollars to do, export democracy to the middle east. might set up a grudge match with billary, as the state department struggles to help these dictators, i mean benevolent allies, conquer these hoards of beligerent ruffians.

ghostfaceinvestah's picture

Hate to break it to you, but the end result ain't gonna be democracy.

snowball777's picture

We can still do the 'shock and awe' routine later...this is just to tenderize them.

knukles's picture

No way, Jose. 
Not Islamic Republics!
The shock and awe of free disposable iPads will claim everlasting fealty with the female populations thus constructively dominating the men in the naturally matriarchal societies.

Dolce and Gabbana burkas, anyone? 

DosZap's picture

I vote we perform the old English tradition in Irish wedding nights.

1st one in with the bride, kept the race from being PURE, the Moosies would shit a brick.

knukles's picture

God is Great.
And that is funny.

blunderdog's picture

In US foreign policy-speak, "democracy" means neoliberal economics and a US-friendly regime.  It's been this definition for quite some time.

slewie the pi-rat's picture




referee: the right freaking hon. Al Franken

Rep. Ron Paul (R-Tx) to hold ALL monies, purses, and BETS

announcers:  Michael Buffer (ringside) and (TV & webcast)  Roseanne & lady gaga

special effects & voyeur wardrobe protection:  Gallagher, sponsored by: Trojan

no holds barred/all holes bared

rules:  Marquis de Sade (strap-ons allowed)

time:  7PM Feb. 23, 2011

place:  alcatraz island, SF Bay

price:  free 4 all

be here or be queer



DisparityFlux's picture

Has he asked the other FOMC members to step down so more QE sympathetic members can be appointed?

snowball777's picture

Why? No one raised so much as a peep at the last meeting.

Miss Expectations's picture

The writer over at ZeroOnions is almost as funny as that Tyler guy over at ZeroHedge. Almost.

Fancy_Piglosi's picture

OMG! . . . OMG! . . . i wonder if this means i'll get three free trips home again every week 

Cleanclog's picture

Only if you click your heels three times and say "there's no place like home, there's no place like home".  Kansas again!  With Toto to boot and only the good witch Glinda.

davepowers's picture

sadly, truth is stranger than fiction

EvlTheCat's picture

I am a bit surprised Facebook Credits were not somehow incorporated into this fine bit of satire!

Sad Sufi's picture

Brilliant.  We can use more of this to lighten the mood.  Oily bearded fuck!

equity_momo's picture

I enjoy The Bernank pisstaking as much as the next person but i'd love to see ZH focus on the real criminals. Like Greenspan before him , The Bernank is merely a cheap , ugly whore , taking her orders from the pimps in the shadows. The Bernank would suck off every CEO of Wall St into a glass bowl and then drink every last drop if he was told to.  Hes an idiot. Forget him. Hes a paid for slut that has no control over anything. Focus on the real manipulators. Start doing some homework.

Get rid of Bernank and there will just be another cheap slut to replace him.

gwar5's picture

Ha ha ha! Most excellent!

walcott's picture

TG for TD! The Ben Franklin of our time.

InconvenientCounterParty's picture

They are exchanging the "Dr Evil" salute???

certainly the end is near.


Atch Logan's picture

Trolls.  Who in the hell can find Bernake to be a role model and inspire them.  Quaint shit.

What this guy is saying/doing is destroying our country, and these X-generation, high school bred morons are urging him on.

We need to do what the Communist Chinese did years ago, and hold a bunch of little sessions to "educate" them, or else.

You know, these punks are really good excuse for a repressive government to re-educate them.  I am slowly beginning to think that they need to be re-educated. And I am beginning to believe others in power and thinking the same.

Racer's picture

He must be bloody desperate if a tiny decline (compared to , before the fed bought everything,  normal fundamental reactions) in the market trigged an emergency conference... he is so near to complete bust of his bank account, what will he do next?

saulysw's picture

2009 TIME magazine person of the year.

Love the baby oil in the beard quip.

BennyBoy's picture

Damn WikiLeaks for leaking my morning meeting!


I gotta see if Sacks or Frost have any cronies that'll shovel that SFP crap out the door to pump up this POS market.


Lots of american puppet recent ex-dictators will needing jobs.....


IrrationalMan's picture

more like Riot like an Egyptian

Piranhanoia's picture

he said emerging, he. hehe.

hambone's picture

Gets so much funnier as it gets harder and harder to tell the fake news from the real news...we have crossed over into an inverse universe where the fake news is the real stuff and the real stuff is fake.

web bot's picture

#uck... you're funny!

Racer's picture

ZimBen to his hencemen, fcuk what the fkuc

shut the internet shut the cufkf, we can't let the sheeple know the truth that the US is in hock till the 25th millenium

tecno242's picture

that was good.. than you for a drunken friday chuckle.

penisouraus erecti's picture

rotfl......thanks for the laughs

Howard_Beale's picture

Fuck the reverse repo.  I don’t even really know what that means.


VegasBob's picture

If only the American people had the sense to revolt and tell the banksters to go to hell.

It would warm the cockles of what little heart I have to see crooks like Bernokio and Lord Blankcheque hanging from lamp posts.


eddiebe's picture

The swine in control will not quit til the mobs take them down. It may be happening in Egypt now, maybe the mob will succed. The evil empire will most likely put some other stooge in power and the game will continue. The emorgency session no doubt was about just that. 

 Here at home things will have to get quite a bit uglier before spontaneous combustion happens. No doubt the hornets nest is being poked a bit, but there is a lot of smoke blown at it and all those hornets are just sooo drowsy. All that unemployment is maybe helping Joe to think a bit about what is happening to him and his family? ( I would bet a silver dollar against a greenback that the Bernank is a lot more concerned about this issue than about the pain caused by unemployment to the citizenry.)

 No, things will to get a whole lot worse before 'we the people' demand real change. Like maybe starvation? coupled with serious shortages at the pump?

 At this point shopping is still too easy for the silent majority, and we are still glad that the troops and TSA and their ilk are keeping us safe here in the good ole USA, never mind the cost.

 Thanks for the humor though!

JR's picture

[O]f all the aspects of social misery nothing is so heartbreaking as unemployment. --Jane Adams, 1910

Implicit simplicit's picture

We will import their old pyramids, and export them our new pyramid ponzi currency schemes. All Hail King Tut-nanke!

cosmictrainwreck's picture

I just wanna figure out how I can get in on that "Mr. W" two-fer, or hell, maybe a three-fer....LMAO

StychoKiller's picture

What a Prima Donna, trying to upstage Mubarak, that's what this is! :>D

JR's picture

LOL. Friday Night Live, with Bernanke and Mubarak.

cocoablini's picture

Awesome.Next time add the lisp.
Is the Bernank into steam baths and male massage?