1/28 Emergency Bernank Conference
Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke, in an attempt to soothe global markets in the midst of a breakdown of uncivil society in Egypt, where strongman Hosni Mubarak is struggling to extend decades of control through iron-fisted use of security forces, scheduled a hasty Washington D.C. press conference at eight thirty EST Friday morning.
“Markets remain attractive, inexpensive, and the only way out,” he said to the assembled reporters. “You can bet the baby oil in my beard that we’ll just acquire that Middle Eastern dry spot if it threatens to take the Dow down more than two hundred points or so. Fuck the reverse repo. I don’t even really know what that means.” He continued, “It’s like that old song … ‘Walk like an Egyptian’. I mean, it’s what we’ve been doing anyway.” In a second, and widely applauded, section of his prepared remarks, Bernanke added, “We’re going to do everything it takes. I mean Everything It Takes. In fact, as of this morning we initiated the Everything It Takes (EIT) program to begin buying hard assets and certain Middle Eastern and Emerging Market countries with a new Federal Reserve Note called the U.S. “Pooney”, which will be linked to the value of produced-out US shale frac proppants, which can, themselves, be wagered on through a secondary exchange created for the EIT program by Goldman Sachs and, their longtime partner, the New York based Goombinacello Family.”
“There just aren’t any votes in quoting Adams Smith,” he told the assembled reporters, referencing a line recently attributed to the President of the United States whose free market credentials have been questioned recently by the cohort of deviant individuals who exceeded 950 on their SATs.
The chairman became unusually expressive at one point in the conference, banging his head twice on the podium before saying, “I’m serious about this. Every now and then helicopters and Hefty bags full of cash simply aren’t enough. Just ask the CIA. We’re going to need to actually take ownership and let Timmy and the President show those 21st century cavemen what democracy looks like.”
In concert with this announcement, and as part of the EIT, the Federal Reserve today also announced the 2 for 1 “Mr. W” bank loan program, in which the Federal Reserve will take down a matching loan for any lending that US banks extend, at the same rate applied to the loan to be matched. The language was inserted in a five hundred page document that otherwise discusses a committee proposal to utilize consumable rice paper in the future composition of US banknotes, but Bernanke also referenced the program in his comments. “I got the idea from a firecracker stand,” he told the assembled press. “You buy one Black Cat, you get one free. Sometime two free. They sell a lot more that way and it’s an attractive model for the US economy.” The chairman added that this sub component of the EIT will be directly managed by, “Whoever Lloyd can spare.”
When asked about a recent comment from Representative Ron Paul accusing The Bernanke of misusing an account dedicated to emergency market operations, Bernanke said, “Look, that PPT thing is really Timmy’s deal. He’s got cover because Paulson kicked it off, so he sort of does what he wants to. Depends on the day, really - and the President’s speaking schedule. I think he’s got twenty or thirty young guys helping him and they’ve all got like eight screens sitting on their desks, so you know they’re sharp.”
Asked about the short, abbreviated pinky salute that some staffers and administration officials have been favoring the Chairman with, he became pensive. “I like it, you know. Look back in history. All the guys who really did stuff sort of came up with their own salute. It’s a helluva lot better than having to say ‘good morning’ with a stiff beard full of crunchy cereal milk.”
--Arsso Gullabel, ZEROONIONS--ARFU 12:30--PARODY, FU*2 –u2 –ME2—ALLOFUS-^2