Saturday Night Comic Diversion: The Email Thread That Set Off QE2

Tyler Durden's picture

As a disgusted and powerless nation (save for a few irrelevant, ex-Enron consultants) is drowning its post-QE2 monetary sorrows in Blue Label courtesy of a recently, if very temporarily, discovered wealth effect, we present a comedic interlude which presents (in proper chronological order for facility of reading) the email chain that culminated with the decision to embark on the QE2.


From: TheElf []
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2010 9:05 AM
To: 'Bertwinkie'

Cc: 'Sack'
Subject: the econ0my




so, the Kenyan is like really getting pissed at me and Larry.  In fact,
he’s been like riding the fat boy so hard, telling him he should just resign
and stuff.  Chubby’s so depressed he won’t even go for ice cream with me
anymore.  and he totally quit looking at his kiddie porn (!!?)


anyway, we’ve got to do something to get this economy going so like people can
get jobs and stuff.  I keep hearing how these
Alvin Greene action figures could be a great stimulus idea (prototype)
and was thinking that if we could just get that Billy Mays guy to like go on tv
and stuff yelling really fucking loud for people to buy them and offering 2 for
1 if they call “right now”, it might just work.  CNBC’s ratings are so low
they’re practically giving away ad time to magic jack and shit. 





From: Bertwinkie
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2010 1:14 PM
To: 'Elf'

Cc: 'Sack'
Subject: RE: the econ0my




regards to your proposal, I’m afraid I have some very disappointing news. 
Mr. Billy Mays unfortunately passed away (although the circumstances
surrounding his demise are ‘unusually uncertain’, it appears that heart disease
caused by extensive ingestion of cocaine was a contributing factor).


as it relates to the core idea of said action figure itself, I must point out
that my previous academic study regarding the Federal Government’s attempt to
produce political action figures during the 1930’s suggests that it was a less
than successful plan.  It seems there were design flaws resulting in
recalls, as well as production defects, cost overruns, vast finished goods
inventory shrinkage, and most remarkably, a very low level of underlying


I will
take your dilemma under advisement and contact you at such time as I have
developed a sufficient plan of action that can be tested and  verified
with our
ARIMA  models (which, since we outsourced our research department to
India, are the same ARIMAs used by the estimable Moody’s Corp.).






 From: Sack
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2010 3:05 PM
To: 'Elf'

Cc: 'Bertwinkie'
Subject: RE: the econ0my


fucking Christ Tim.  Action figures?  Fuck



From: TheElf []
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2010 3:08 PM
To: 'Sack'

Cc: 'Bertwinkie'
Subject: the econ0my


This stuff isn’t easy, ok?
  I mean, it’s not like I asked you and ben to get in a
fucking helicopter and start dropping hundreds over SOHO and Little Italy and
  I would never recommend
something totally asinine -
OMG, give me some


totally serious, though, the Chubster and I are really living on borrowed time
Someone on the muslim in chief’s staff
recently had my access to elf porn terminated.




From: Bertwinkie
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 6:14 AM
To: 'Elf'


Subject: RE: the econ0my




As you
are aware, we often consult with and seek input from industry sources as
a means of developing
novel and creative solutions to the financial issues we face when governing the
economy.  Consequently, I have reached out to multiple firms and
individuals soliciting feedback around the idea of stimulus.  I requested
specific action items, and
that they not only consider fiscal stimulus actions, but monetary
responses as well.  A sampling of ideas are summarized below:


Joseph Cohen, President of Global Markets – Goldman Sachs : “Whatever you do is
great, and will just be incremental.  My 2011 earnings estimate for the
S&P 500 is $1,300, so a normalized P/E with ten year Treasury yields of
2.5% puts fair value at 26,000.  Either way, the longer-term outlook for
equities is very constructive in our view”


Bob Doll, Vice
Chairman – Blackrock:  “We would recommend both fiscal and monetary
resources be directed at shovel ready jobs, non-shovel ready jobs, undervalued
commercial properties, overvalued commercial properties, stocks, bonds,
commodities, currencies, rat’s asses, and pretty much anything which can be
purchased on open or closed markets.  As long as prices go up, the
long-term outcome is positive for everyone.  Jobs will be
created as a result.  There may be short term pullbacks, but we remain
very bullish on any items which have a molecular composition”


Zandi, Chief Economist – Moody’s Corp. : “Any incremental stimulus at this
point would be beneficial.  Our models suggest that for every $6.8
trillion dollars injected, GDP growth is enhanced by roughly 0.0015%. 
Given the current level of inflation, it’s a no brainer at this point”


Brusca, Chief Economist :  “I think you should ‘talk’ positively.  If
everyone would stop putting negative spin on the numbers, and instead look at
the positive side, the economy would begin to recover almost immediately. 
Our only problem right now is the negative spin that is being put on the
numbers by economists.  The Fed Governors could easily fix this by simply
talking more positively”


Cramer, Mad Money Host - CNBC:  “Okay, look.  It’s really
simple.  Back when I was managing a hedge fund we’d see this aaaallll the
time, okay.  All you have to do is the opposite of what I tell my viewers
every night.  It’s really that simple.  When I tell them to do
something, just do the opposite.  If the administrative branch or the
federal reserve would set up a fund like this, there wouldn’t be an economic


most of the ideas were constructive (in fact, we only had one useless response
– a
n email
reply from
a Mr.
Rick Santelli which said simply
.  now.”), by far
the most interesting ideas were from
a Mr. David Tepper, President and Founder of Appaloosa


really simple.  Just announce that you’re going to provide a put. 
Like the Greenspan put, but it applies to everything, not just the S&P 500.
It would be a put on corporate debt, agency debt, convertibles, leveraged
buy-writes, unicorns, Justin Beiber, everything.  As long as the street
knows you’ll support the price, they’ll buy.  It’s really that simple.


And if
you agree to do it, I’ll go on CNBC’s Squakbox next month and tell the world
it’s that simple.  I’ll literally say that ‘it’s a win-win market and you
can’t lose going balls to the wall’.  Trust me, you can’t lose with this”


after much rigorous analysis, it would appear our best approach at this point
would be to construct a monetary policy which pursues this agenda via
aggressive purchase of assets on the open market through our New York
desk.  I look forward to your thoughts, analysis, and feedback regarding
this plan.







From: Sack []
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 6:21 AM
To: 'Bertwinkie'

Cc: 'Elf'
Subject: RE: the econ0my


We’ve been doing that since August 2005.  It’s not new.  We just
haven’t had a program in place recently.



From: TheElf []
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 9:27 AM
To: 'Bertwinkie'

Cc: 'Sack'
Subject: the econ0my




about that Bankfine guy at Goldmen.  He’s pretty sharp right?  Makes
a lot of money and all.  Did you talk to him??




From: Bertwinkie
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 12:40 PM
To: 'Elf'

Cc: 'Sack'
Subject: RE: the econ0my





believe you are referring to a Mr. Lloyd Blankfein.  I have lunch with him
daily, so am fully up to speed on his thoughts.  He thinks it is a great
idea, but that it will only work if we purchase the Treasuries from the primary
dealers.  He says if we go directly to the Treasury auctions, there will
be no benefit.  Our research team in India is using Moody’s latest models
to determine the statistical validity of his claim.  Will advise.





From: Sack []
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 4:17 PM
To: 'Bertwinkie'

Cc: 'Elf'
Subject: RE: the econ0my


Ben, I’m
really not sure what the general population will think about ramping this plan
up again.  They didn’t mind when we were in the depths of the crisis, but
the fiscal and monetary policy responses to the meltdown seem to have achieved
our goal of kicking the can down the road for a few more years.  Sure this
will all collapse in a massive reset eventually (after our terms/careers have
ended), but for now the perception at least is that things are improving. 
A major purchase program at this juncture will merely invite outrage among the
Jim Grants, Jim Rogers, and Jim Durdens of the world.  And their lunatic
fringe followings will light up the internet comment boards with talk of ‘gold,
guns, and ammo’.



From: TheElf []
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 6:05 PM

To: 'Sack'

Cc: 'Bertwinkie'
Subject: the econ0my


I think
the last guy’s name is Tyler, not Jim.  I only know because some asshole
got a screenshot of my computer and like this dick Durden guy posted it on the
internet.  Now, people can’t even Google the first four letters of my name without it
showing up.  OMFG!




From: Bertwinkie
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 7:55 PM
To: 'Sack'

Cc: 'Elf'
Subject: RE: the econ0my




While I
appreciate your concerns, I do not feel they are well founded given the recent
work our research department has generated.  The Moody’s ARIMA models
suggest that the housing downturn was a once in one hundred years event and
that they will not decline ‘at the national level’ again until after
2100.  Even if a decline occurs before that, it is ‘likely to be
contained’ according to Moody’s.






 From: Sack
Sent: Wednesday, August 25, 2010 9:17 PM
To: 'Bertwinkie'

Cc: 'Elf'
Subject: RE: the econ0my


Ben – since you’ve already discussed it with the other critical fomc members, I
suggest you set the stage for it the day after tomorrow (Friday) at Jackson
Hole.  Once it’s out there and priced in, Hoenig won’t be willing to call
bullshit; he’ll have to stand down (aside from being a dissenting vote at
future meetings) for fear of tanking the markets.  in the meantime, I suggest
we kill this email thread and start anew.  If that ass Assange over at
wikileaks ever got hold of this, all 3 of us would have to disappear.


To be continued

(Courtesy of John Lohman)

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Mako's picture

Tyler what do you do for a living?  Just curious.

Why do I have a feeling you haven't worked a hard days work in a very long time.

Mercury's picture

What the fuck do you think ZH is...the product of some bored housewife and a box of chardonnay?

Mako's picture

It's a simple question.

He believes he has the solution, I am all ears.  Tyler sounds like nagging bitch, my guess... forced out of some desk job probably in Wall street.  Seriously doubt, he has had a real job.... just a person or persons seeking yield they can't find.

Tyler = Lemming

"bored housewife and a box of chardonnay"

No, a Lemming that got forced out.  Do I think the person or persons posting with that name has ever digged a ditch?  Not very likely.  The person or persons have been sucking off the world and system just like the people they are bitching about.

Whatever is done or not done, one thing is for sure... I know this Tyler is going to bitch about it.  I mean if Tyler has a position on something or how it should be done... he should be stating such.

As for myself, it's very clear what my position is... the Lemmings are screwed and have been screwed since the choices were made... there is no way to undo the choices made.  Not much Benny or Obama or Bush or Tyler is going to do about it. 

Cursive's picture

Is there any bigger arrogant bitch and nihilist on this board other than Mako?

DollarMenu's picture

"digged a ditch.."


It's DUG, you dolt.

dug a ditch.

DavidC's picture

Damn! I've been saying "Deg a ditch" for all these years and you're telling me I've ben (sic) wrong?!


Frank Owen's picture

"Whatever is done or not done, one thing is for sure... I know this Tyler is going to bitch about it."

I have to wonder... why the fuck are you here all the time instead of reading and posting on "The Ditch Digger's Guide to the Financial Cluster-Fuck Galaxy" blog instead?

Mako's picture

Because I was pumping your Mom. 

What next? "The jerk store called...".

Frank Owen's picture

You do a mind-meld with J. Bravo in hopes to gain some smarts? Bad choice.

Frank Owen's picture

That moron mind-meld you did has set you back so far you're dishing out compliments and thinking they're insults. I like Gandhi.  He fought back (and won) instead of just accepting. You could learn something from people like him.

Mako's picture

Who said I didn't like Ghandi?  Never hinted at anything you just said.

"oh yeah, well the ocean called"


Frank Owen's picture

"oh yeah, well the ocean called"   Wow, good one - Bravo. :) HAHA

Drachma's picture

It's time to give that ditch a rest and come out of the scorching sun grandpa Mako. That grape inside your head is almost ready for some cornflakes and milk.

Q: How many ditch could a bitch done dig?

papercanteen's picture

Well, they say write what you know, so even if that were the case wouldn't that make TD pretty well qualified to comment on financials?    Not a whole lot of productivity coming out of there nowadays.

Mako's picture

Oh, I think he is qualified... whatever that might mean.

He's a Lemming, doesn't like the cards he was dealt or how he played them.  Now he is blaming everyone but himself I would guess. 

I would imagine he was very much like the people he writes about, I mean most of the guest authors that give their real name our people in finance... people that used the same system they are now complaining about because they can't find yield.  Lemmings.

Frank Owen's picture

Fuck, you're stupid. Even the analogy you've chosen is stupid - because the one lemming who stops at the cliff's edge because he sees death after the drop is the one you should listen to.

Mako's picture

Sorry, black pit is going to open right beneath a large amount of Lemming's feet.  Good luck and all.

"Seems like every time we meet I've got nothing but bad news.  I'm sorry about that, I surely am. But for what it's worth, you've made a believer out of me. Good luck, kiddo."

BigJim's picture

I haven't had the pleasure of reading all your posts, Mako, but I (and, I suspect, many people here) would love to know what your definition of a 'lemming' is.

Oh - and while you're at it, please tell us how you are in any way distinguishable from one yourself.

High Plains Drifter's picture

Are you kidding? He says he works 18 hour days and I believe him. Must drink some strong coffee.

Fraud-Esq's picture

You're jealous.

Writers are hard working, he's hard working, and not everyone can do it, particularly re financials. It might look easy, but try it everyday with content and not just opinion.

Hard working dissident, a good writer with keen financial knowledge... 

...a triple threat. 

dark pools of soros's picture

Mako is stuck deep in his own shit...  pissed beyond repair

Mako's picture

You haven't read my posts if you think I am pissed.

I am getting a freaking kick out of all this.  I laugh at all you retarded kids fighting over do-do.

lizzy36's picture

Wow, deductive reasoning much?

He provides posts (orginal content) 24/7 365 days a year.

Sounds like he does a "hard days work" every day of every week of every year. 

Now, if you think that sounds "easy", i dare you to give it a shot. Over/under on how long you last:7 days. I would take under. 


Mako's picture

You think so... I bet the person was forced out of a Wall Street job.  No this person doesn't work.

"Now, if you think that sounds "easy", i dare you to give it a shot. Over/under on how long you last:7 days. I would take under."

I wouldn't want to drink 24 7, doesn't mean I think drunk is working.  All he has to do is post what his job is and what his job was, and post what he thinks the Fed and the government needs to do. 

You see... this is a type of person that sucked off the world, these people don't have solution... all they have is blame, yet they fail to look in the mirror.

1.) I would love to hear his solution/s

2.) I would love to know his job and jobs he has had

If we get those I think I will get a good laugh.  I mean he seems to know everything.  He should have no problem getting us through the minefield.  :)

The Navigator's picture

I think Mako, Johnny Bravo, & Tyler are all the same person [ ;-) ], stirring the shit for our enjoyment. Either way, running a website/blogsite that's this big/famous/often quoted by others in the financial world, and provides more real info than Bloombergs, is more than a full time job.

Loved this spoof story - much better than the earlier spoof story by Static Chaos -

It's not the destination, it's the ride to there - enjoy it!

fredquimby's picture
"The trail is the thing, not the end of the trail. Travel too fast and you miss all you are traveling for."

Louis L'Amour, Ride the Dark Trail
US novelist of westerns (1908 - 1988)

lolmaster's picture

TD is the only source of relevant news on the web. wtf are you f*****?

IEVI's picture

Who are you Mako...what do you do for a living and what are your experiences that make you such an expert on the ways of the world? Are you a lemming too? Just curious.

Tarheel's picture

dear Mako: eat shit and die


yours truly,


Conrad Murray's picture

Now, people can’t even Google the first four letters of my name without it showing up.

That needs to get back up at the top again.  Makes me laugh like typing in "Obama is ".

Mitchman's picture

Now, people can’t even Google the first four letters of my name without it showing up.  OMFG!


palmereldritch's picture

And I thought elf porn would have followed @ #3 considering his bit part in Avatarp


gwar5's picture


RedwoodTree's picture

Actually, when I do the "Obama is..." thingy in google, it takes google SO LONG to find the matches, I would presume thereforeo that there are quite a few matches to finish that one.

Everyman's picture

BTW, when DOES Benny's term run out?

Milestones's picture

How do you impeach B.B.? He does not work for a governmental agency. The Fed is a private corporation. He can be fired by the idiot in chief as he nominates him for senate confirmation. But thats about it! Well, ya there is another way but--.    Milestones

goldsaver's picture

Wow, this thread is dead. I thought that Saturday night was fight night!

High Plains Drifter's picture

You can always turn on UFC and watch two white guys beat the fuck out of each other in the octagon , which I guess passes for entertainment in the land of 20 percent unemployment.

Hulk's picture

UF is a great sport to participate in though, and I can't recommend it enough for youngsters who want to learn a fighting art...

Hulk's picture

Saturday night is alright for fighting, but drinking a single malt, neat, is preferred...

A_MacLaren's picture

You'll make it as a Celt Hulk.  Have a wee dram on me, a 4 oz portion should count as wee in your case.

Hulk's picture

Half Celt A_MacLaren. 4oz's is a good start...

zen0's picture

 From: Sack []
Sent: Friday, August 20, 2010 3:05 PM
To: 'Elf'

Cc: 'Bertwinkie'
Subject: RE: the econ0my


Jesus fucking Christ Tim.  Action figures?  Fuck


That is where I peed myself. You can't even begin to  share this with anybody. They wouldn't clue in. They don't even know what is happening.