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SEC Flash Crash Report To Restore Confidence, Cure Herpes, And Bring Back Elvis From The Dead

Tyler Durden's picture




 

Well, if there is anything the SEC is actually capable of doing, it is to market its worthless and corrupt old self. According to Reuters "the upcoming flash crash report will show that regulators have a "very deep understanding" of the marketplace, giving the public a measure of confidence, the head of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission said on Monday. "It will paint a very clear picture of how the markets operated on that day," SEC Chairman Mary Schapiro said in an interview, adding she expects regulators will issue the report "in the next several days." Well thank fucking god that the regulators will at least have an "understanding" of how $1.5 trillion in market cap was lost in the span of 15 seconds, and was immediately found again, courtesy of the New York Fed, and that we will once and for all know that HFT is nothing but a ravenous cancer deeply embedded in everything market related, that should have been chemo'ed years ago, when that hyperventilating fringe blog started discussing it (luckily, in less than 100 paragraph rambling and somnolent streams of consciousness). But no, the SEC decided to wait until 20 weeks of fund outflows have put a nail in the coffin of investor confidence. And, by the way, the SEC report will do absolutely nothing to change the public's perception of the market, as nothing at all will change. Because if it did, it would cause roughly $50 billion in annual revenue to evaporate, and the market lobby will simply not allow that. On the other hand, hanging HFT out to dry, will confirm that the SEC actually had a very "non-existent" understanding of the marketplace, for allowing HFT encroachment for so long. In retrospect, we take that back. The only thing the SEC can do to begin the act of restoring confidence in the marketplace is for everyone at the world's most worthless organization, from Mary Schapiro to the lowliest analyst, to hand in their resignation effective 2 years ago, when the greatest experiment in market manipulation began in earnest.

More from Reuters. Please try hard not to have an aneurism.

The May 6 crash knocked some 700 points off the Dow Jones industrial average before it sharply rebounded, all in about 20 minutes. No full explanation of the unprecedented breakdown has yet been given, stirring concerns among investors about the stability of the high-speed electronic marketplace.

"I think they will feel confident, and they'll feel confident that the SEC and the CFTC staffs have a very deep understanding of the markets as a result of this inquiry, and that we have some ideas on how to go forward," Schapiro said in the interview with Reuters Insider.

The SEC and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission will jointly issue the report. Schapiro said she still hopes to issue it this month.

Mary - RESIGNATION. NOW.

 

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Mon, 09/27/2010 - 19:41 | 608556 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

If it works on Zombie banks, I say it can't hurt to give Elvis a try...

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:30 | 608594 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

...or Ted William's head...

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:16 | 608600 Rainman
Rainman's picture

Elvis is not dead, just misplaced. Like optimism.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:30 | 608621 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

.....I've trademarked Che's image ......and the color red...

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 19:43 | 608562 bugs_
bugs_'s picture

Isn't she just so completely out of it?

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:31 | 608634 euclidean
euclidean's picture

Who isn't?

17th rule of fight club - there is no bullshitting to bullshitters! That would cull more than half the crap from the main stream press right there. They obviously think the audience is clueless.

As for these shop front regulators - toothless tigers the lot of 'em. No better than window dressing to any particular government of the day. How about introducing the compulsory vote into the good 'ol USofA? It won't change apathy overnight, but it will make these pollies work a bit harder.

If they had to address an entire voting nation, instead of just 25% of it - it might change their policies and sales pitch somewhat. Just a thought.

 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 19:51 | 608584 bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

that quote by mary shapiro chucked full of wonkspeak like "deep understanding" and "some ideas of how to go forward" and confidence all around is just more of the same useless verbiage i have grown to hate - but fully expect - from these types.

useless

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:51 | 608677 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

It really is upsetting when regurgitating meaningless drivel is the best they can come up with.  ZH, aside from being light-years ahead of these nincompoops, taught me a new word, somnolent.  Thanks ZH!

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 00:57 | 609159 PiratePiggy
PiratePiggy's picture

"Somnolent" isn't a new word, Mr. Murray.  Methinks you are thinking of "Bennocchio"  ;)

 

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 13:31 | 610640 Real Estate Geek
Real Estate Geek's picture

or perhaps he's thinking of pathetisad.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 19:56 | 608585 Waterfallsparkles
Waterfallsparkles's picture

Nothing will change as long as the Computers are in control of the Market.  A Market is made of Individuals trading not Computers.  It is no longer a Market it is a Computer game like Nintendo.  Just the fact that they still call it a Stock Market is a Joke.  It is not a Market, it is a game that can only be won if you have the fastest game machine.

I could take a whole generation for confidence to return, if then. 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:17 | 608723 Oligarchs Gone Wild
Oligarchs Gone Wild's picture

Nothing will change as long as the Computers are in control of the Market.

 

Should read:  Everything will change as long as the Oligarchs are in control of the Market.

 

Oligarchs to the common people:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKQ3LXHKB34

 

 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:13 | 608587 Getagrip
Getagrip's picture

Tyler, you're killing me. Love the head line....

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:31 | 608632 mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

That was awesome!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:50 | 608793 Clark_Griswold ...
Clark_Griswold Hedge Mnger's picture

+1

Damn Tyler, I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:50 | 608794 Clark_Griswold ...
Clark_Griswold Hedge Mnger's picture

+1

Damn Tyler, I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:38 | 609011 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

"Tyler, you're killing me. Love the head line...."

SEC Flash Crash Report To Restore Confidence, Cure Herpes, And Bring Back Elvis From The Dead

Tyler: "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..."

Best title of the week...

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:41 | 609017 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

and classy like a drive through wedding

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:14 | 608596 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

Can you imagine HFT under the old buttonwood tree?

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:27 | 608597 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

SEC and the CFTC staffs have a very deep understanding of the markets as a result of this inquiry, and that we have some ideas on how to go forward,

Translation: We got together over drinks Sunday afternoon to talk about this thing but when it got too deep for a bunch of drunks we ended up having group sex in the hot tub at Mary's place. After smoking some great weed we decided you little people are a bunch of useless fucks. Then we wrote this report while laughing our asses off stoned. It was great. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed screwing around. And fuck you very much for playing along.


Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:48 | 608671 Everyman
Everyman's picture

+1000

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:53 | 608681 Conrad Murray
Conrad Murray's picture

That is excellent because it is exactly what I would do if I were them.  "This shit is fucked and we're already P-A-I-D...PARRRTTYY!!!"

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:06 | 608702 Sabibaby
Sabibaby's picture

Some of the greatest decisions in history have come from drinking, group sex, and getting stoned. TD, you said something about curing herpes and bringing Elvis back?

Does this just exist in our “drug induced/group sex” state?

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:26 | 608739 Rusty Shorts
Rusty Shorts's picture

Caligula

 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:15 | 608598 Keith Piccirillo
Keith Piccirillo's picture

Mary Mary quite literary,
How does your largesse grow?
With declining shares from the cockles of hell
And everything made all fit to throw.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:18 | 608605 Orly
Orly's picture

Peachy, Rio.

 

;D

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:24 | 608616 Spalding_Smailes
Spalding_Smailes's picture

Bernankruptcy: New trading term and definition.

 

Bernankruptcy \Ber”nank”rupt*cy\, n.

1. The state of being actually or legally bankrupt due to Fed Chairman Ben S. Bernanke’s Fed interest rate hikes.

2. The act or process of becoming a bankrupt, due to continuous Fed interest rate increases.

3. Complete loss; — followed by of. “Bernanke’s continual Fed rate hikes destroyed my portfolio, forcing me to declare ‘Bernakruptcy’.”

Thesaurus words for “bernankruptcy”:

bouncing check, breakage, breakdown, bust, collapse, crack-up, crash, crippling, damage, defeat, destruction, detriment, dilapidation, disablement, disrepair, encroachment, failure, futility, harm, hobbling, hurt, hurting, ill success, impairment, incapacitation, infringement, injury, inroad, insolvency, insufficient funds, kited check, losing game, loss, maiming, mayhem, mischief, mutilation, no go, nonaccomplishment, nonsuccess, overdraft, overdrawn account, receivership, ruination, ruinousness, sabotage, scathe, sickening, spoiling, successlessness, unsuccess, unsuccessfulness, uselessness, weakening

 

http://www.tradingwinner.com/archive/2006/06/15/bernankruptcy/

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 01:37 | 609209 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

KP: You got Junked???
Who the hell doesn't like Rufus Thomas???

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:20 | 608610 Samsonov
Samsonov's picture

Wake up people -- Elvis is not dead, and the recession ended last spring!  Just as Elvis is walking around in the form of Ed Asner, the economy is up-and-at-'em.  Just one more jolt of stimulus and they'll both be back to their old glory days.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:50 | 609037 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

Wait, I thought Nixon was alive walking around as Ed Asner and Nicolas Case was the reincarnation of the King?? 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:57 | 608612 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

National Infrastructure Bank: Another Trilateral Ripoff?

PAX AMERICANA and the Weaponization of Space

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JmOcJ_MBsA8

War Games - SHALL WE PLAY A GAME?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHWjlCaIrQo

The architects of this technology have the back door key. Don't fall for the media doom.

The crack heads like Obama want control to enslave you. Your US President color was used to recoup 30 years of lost time. Communist love to create new leaders under the false hope of progression. Understand their game plan.

We're all playing a game in life, some lose and others win. I like to help those who are not aware of there surroundings.

For instance, the UN just hired a guy to speak with aliens. More NGO bullshit at hand

http://www.mcc.gov/

President Obama UN Millenium Development Goals Speech Full Text

The closer this jackass gets to 2012, the more he will speak about the venus program. Mark my words. Be aware.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:23 | 608613 nmewn
nmewn's picture

"when that hyperventilating fringe blog started discussing it (luckily, in less than 100 paragraph rambling and somnolent streams of consciousness).

But no, the SEC decided to wait until 20 weeks of fund outflows have put a nail in the coffin of investor confidence."

LOL...just a hunka hunka burnin love bitchez.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:36 | 609006 Village Idiot
Village Idiot's picture

somnolent?

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:37 | 609010 Village Idiot
Village Idiot's picture

somnolent [?s?mn?l?nt]

adj
1. drowsy; sleepy 2. causing drowsiness
[from Latin somnus sleep] somnolence , somnolency n somnolently  adv

 

Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003

 

 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:38 | 609013 Village Idiot
Village Idiot's picture

thanks.

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 05:25 | 609456 nmewn
nmewn's picture

I looked it up too ;-)

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:25 | 608618 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

Two solutions:

1- Let all trades stand. Don't want a xrazy price? Don't place a xrazy trade. (Stop losses 90 percent under the market fer cryin out loud. Such a fool should be divorced from his money same as the HFT that hit my nutty bid. Same attitude toward bullshit on the upside. If CAT tommorrow trades at $498 it will be against my offer). Letting trades stand will wise up the freeriding asshats.

2- Go back to eights and quarters. I secretly suspect this is the true goal of the conspiracy.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:26 | 608619 LePetomane
LePetomane's picture

Although the flash crash does nothing to inspire confidence it's equally hard to argue that the year and a half of easy money that preceded it resembled anything normal.

 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:29 | 608630 Silverhog
Silverhog's picture

Ha Ha, this headline sucked me in so fast like a perch on a red devil lure!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:34 | 608641 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Does it anywhere in the report mention that I get a pony? Because I cannot go forward without a pony, after all this.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 22:34 | 608879 delacroix
delacroix's picture

all this horseshit, theres gotta be a pony in here somewhere.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:35 | 609000 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

pony keg full of beer?

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:38 | 608646 Hephasteus
Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:38 | 608648 CitizenPete
CitizenPete's picture


CFTC webcast or C-Span 10/5

Tuesday, October 5, 2010, 1:00 PM (ET)

European Commission Legislative Proposal for OTC Derivatives; Japanese Legislation on OTC Clearing; Ongoing and Anticipated IOSCO Projects; Dodd-Frank Rulemakings; and Foreign Board of Trade Registration Rulemaking


Exhale.  Exhale.  Exhale.  Preview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_PAHbqq-o4

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:36 | 608649 sneering nihilist
sneering nihilist's picture

I like the title but let me offer a little advise regarding the story. You need to make it more believable. Add a talking snake, a talking bush, and a pregnant virgin. Those three very ordinary things would give this story more credibility.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:43 | 608655 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

Yeah and besides, Obama's filed a patent on the parted sea.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:45 | 608662 sneering nihilist
sneering nihilist's picture

I done liked your first reply better.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:49 | 608675 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

edited cause sounded like talking Bush

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:40 | 608654 Kaiser Sousa
Kaiser Sousa's picture

Tyler -

i hope this was sent to the SEC for review...

keep on truckin'....

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:50 | 608667 Everyman
Everyman's picture

I have to respond to this message.  THESE people WANTED to work at the SEC, and most "wanted" to enforce and make a fair market, however as corrupt and worthless as it has become, there needs to be a purge, and it needs to start from within.  These people need to look in the mirror and remember what they are about.  Apparently it is being all about corruption and support the corrupt status quo at any cost.  I disagree in very dark and unforgiving terms to the part of the above post quoted below:

The only thing the SEC can do to begin the act of restoring confidence in the marketplace is for everyone at the world's most worthless organization, from Mary Schapiro to the lowliest analyst, to hand in their resignation effective 2 years ago, when the greatest experiment in market manipulation began in earnest.

 

No, I am thinking much darker and permanent.  These people need to get a brand new shiny handgun and insert a bullet in their own skulls.  How can they live with themselves being this damn worthless, and taking taxpayer money to "enforce regulations" that they do not enforce.

That may be a little harsh, but DAMN, does anyone have a shred of conscience or ethical responsibility at all anywhere???

That would be taken as a "committment to confidence".  That would also make me confident in the veracity of their convictions of cleaning up the market manipulation and the scourge of HFT.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:45 | 608784 optimator
optimator's picture

"No, I am thinking much darker and permanent.  These people need to get a brand new shiny handgun and insert a bullet in their own skulls."

As inept as these folks are they'd miss.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 22:55 | 608920 Everyman
Everyman's picture

As inept as these folks are they'd miss.

 

I didn't think about the ineptitude!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:50 | 608673 MarketTruth
MarketTruth's picture

So the SEC and CFTC are saying the market is a CONfidence game. Ah, now it all makes sense! God bless their leader Madoff, Commander of CONfidence in modern times.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:52 | 608679 mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

I can't decide what's funnier, the headline or Mary's quote:

"I think they will feel confident, and they'll feel confident that the SEC and the CFTC staffs have a very deep understanding of the markets as a result of this inquiry, and that we have some ideas on how to go forward,"

I mean, you're funny Durden, but Schapiro's an ace.  Listen to what she said about the Bernie Madoff fraud (of which she was the primary regulator):

As the new Chairman, I will ensure that we continue this investigation and hold accountable all those who helped to facilitate this massive fraud.

The woman is a walking comedy clip.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:41 | 608777 mikla
mikla's picture

+1

Instead of *talking* about doing something, after a few years of this crap, they could actually *do* something.

No indictments.  No prosecutions.  Trillions gone.  Years passed.

I have no confidence in them, nor their "deep understanding".  I only wonder if they realize how moronic they look -- do they even know what HFT is, and how it provides volume *without* liquidity, and that it's a model-based front-runner to *inject noise* to *prohibit* price discovery?

Technically and demonstrably clueless.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 22:12 | 608840 mark mchugh
mark mchugh's picture

I only wonder if they realize how moronic they look

Me too.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:55 | 608682 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

This is so funny I'm crying.

For whatever reason, the idea of participating in the stock market at this point reminds me a great deal of some vintage Eddie Murphy standup...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96s1M8IyrUQ

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:57 | 608683 Everyman
Everyman's picture

I think the Heavy Metal Hanover Fist video is appropriate.

I PLEAD NOT GUILTY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cq6_Q7gIaBE&feature=related

 

7 Minutes

Maybe there is a "locknar" somewhere in Wall Street????

 

 

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 20:59 | 608686 goldmiddelfinger
goldmiddelfinger's picture

Mary Shapiro clipped NASD/FINRA for a cool personal $7 million golden flyby from rudimentary membership commitments busting the org's surplus. Fees were raised in 2009 to recover. Thanks for askin Mare.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:08 | 608708 digalert
digalert's picture

SEC can do a report on dumb blond jokes by Mary Schapiro.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:16 | 608712 rmsnickers
rmsnickers's picture

Crap, I can't figure out how to post a picture.  Instead, I will provide the link that pretty much sums up Schapiro and the boyz.

http://bit.ly/dABBsg

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:44 | 608783 mikla
mikla's picture

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:58 | 608813 rmsnickers
rmsnickers's picture

thx mikla.  everytime i see this pic i laugh!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:28 | 608746 Village Idiot
Village Idiot's picture

good luck with that herpes cure.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 21:37 | 608771 Something Wicke...
Something Wicked This Way Comes's picture

I would have retired from the SEC except that might have meant having to work in the private sector. In the private sector, oftentimes, they expect results. Accountability. I wasn't ready for that kind of headache. -Mary Shapiro

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 22:03 | 608826 gwar5
gwar5's picture

*Update from the SEC: More cow bells! and more porn!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 22:20 | 608859 tom a taxpayer
tom a taxpayer's picture

"The only thing the SEC can do to begin the act of restoring confidence in the marketplace is for everyone at the world's most worthless organization, from Mary Schapiro to the lowliest analyst, to hand in their resignation effective 2 years ago, when the greatest experiment in market manipulation began in earnest."

Amen.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:33 | 608995 Vampyroteuthis ...
Vampyroteuthis infernalis's picture

I believe they could start by turning off the computers. No more front running from the HFTs!

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 22:56 | 608922 sumo
sumo's picture

Wasn't there a big move in the JPY just before the crash started? It would be interesting to relate equity data with Forex data on a fine-grained time scale.

Mon, 09/27/2010 - 23:47 | 609031 Mydixie Wrecked
Mydixie Wrecked's picture

what's the story with this red 'new' stuff? Is there also 'old'?

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 00:28 | 609113 jmc8888
jmc8888's picture

WOW, literally wow.  I guess digging a mm down is deeper than a nm. (nanometer).  Also it doesn't help when the goal is confidence?  I mean you WANT confidence in things, but it shouldn't be the opium dragon you chase. 

First I laughed like I just rewatched Eddie Murphy Raw for the first time in a looooong time.  Then of course it hits you that she isn't joking and is actually serious.   Amazing how low the standards go when you just go around tossing each others salads.  Here's Fox Ceasar, and MSNBC thousand Island.

 

 

 

 

 

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 00:49 | 609149 vs18
vs18's picture

Durden bringing the HEAT!!! I love it!!!

Tue, 09/28/2010 - 02:34 | 609255 Grand Supercycle
Grand Supercycle's picture

S&P 500 FINANCIALS INDEX - an important chart:

http://stockmarket618.wordpress.com

Tue, 11/16/2010 - 10:44 | 730648 daniel
daniel's picture

i love zerohedge policy cheap hosting

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