SEC Flash Crash Report To Restore Confidence, Cure Herpes, And Bring Back Elvis From The Dead

Tyler Durden's picture

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carbonmutant's picture

If it works on Zombie banks, I say it can't hurt to give Elvis a try...

Rainman's picture

Elvis is not dead, just misplaced. Like optimism.

goldmiddelfinger's picture

.....I've trademarked Che's image ......and the color red...

bugs_'s picture

Isn't she just so completely out of it?

euclidean's picture

Who isn't?

17th rule of fight club - there is no bullshitting to bullshitters! That would cull more than half the crap from the main stream press right there. They obviously think the audience is clueless.

As for these shop front regulators - toothless tigers the lot of 'em. No better than window dressing to any particular government of the day. How about introducing the compulsory vote into the good 'ol USofA? It won't change apathy overnight, but it will make these pollies work a bit harder.

If they had to address an entire voting nation, instead of just 25% of it - it might change their policies and sales pitch somewhat. Just a thought.


bigdumbnugly's picture

that quote by mary shapiro chucked full of wonkspeak like "deep understanding" and "some ideas of how to go forward" and confidence all around is just more of the same useless verbiage i have grown to hate - but fully expect - from these types.


Conrad Murray's picture

It really is upsetting when regurgitating meaningless drivel is the best they can come up with.  ZH, aside from being light-years ahead of these nincompoops, taught me a new word, somnolent.  Thanks ZH!

PiratePiggy's picture

"Somnolent" isn't a new word, Mr. Murray.  Methinks you are thinking of "Bennocchio"  ;)


Real Estate Geek's picture

or perhaps he's thinking of pathetisad.

Waterfallsparkles's picture

Nothing will change as long as the Computers are in control of the Market.  A Market is made of Individuals trading not Computers.  It is no longer a Market it is a Computer game like Nintendo.  Just the fact that they still call it a Stock Market is a Joke.  It is not a Market, it is a game that can only be won if you have the fastest game machine.

I could take a whole generation for confidence to return, if then. 

Oligarchs Gone Wild's picture

Nothing will change as long as the Computers are in control of the Market.


Should read:  Everything will change as long as the Oligarchs are in control of the Market.


Oligarchs to the common people:



Getagrip's picture

Tyler, you're killing me. Love the head line....

Clark_Griswold Hedge Mnger's picture


Damn Tyler, I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard!

Clark_Griswold Hedge Mnger's picture


Damn Tyler, I fell out of my chair I was laughing so hard!

Problem Is's picture

"Tyler, you're killing me. Love the head line...."

SEC Flash Crash Report To Restore Confidence, Cure Herpes, And Bring Back Elvis From The Dead

Tyler: "You ain't nothin' but a hound dog..."

Best title of the week...

DaveyJones's picture

and classy like a drive through wedding

goldmiddelfinger's picture

Can you imagine HFT under the old buttonwood tree?

cougar_w's picture

SEC and the CFTC staffs have a very deep understanding of the markets as a result of this inquiry, and that we have some ideas on how to go forward,

Translation: We got together over drinks Sunday afternoon to talk about this thing but when it got too deep for a bunch of drunks we ended up having group sex in the hot tub at Mary's place. After smoking some great weed we decided you little people are a bunch of useless fucks. Then we wrote this report while laughing our asses off stoned. It was great. Hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed screwing around. And fuck you very much for playing along.

Conrad Murray's picture

That is excellent because it is exactly what I would do if I were them.  "This shit is fucked and we're already P-A-I-D...PARRRTTYY!!!"

Sabibaby's picture

Some of the greatest decisions in history have come from drinking, group sex, and getting stoned. TD, you said something about curing herpes and bringing Elvis back?

Does this just exist in our “drug induced/group sex” state?

Keith Piccirillo's picture

Mary Mary quite literary,
How does your largesse grow?
With declining shares from the cockles of hell
And everything made all fit to throw.

Spalding_Smailes's picture

Bernankruptcy: New trading term and definition.


Bernankruptcy \Ber”nank”rupt*cy\, n.

1. The state of being actually or legally bankrupt due to Fed Chairman Ben S. Bernanke’s Fed interest rate hikes.

2. The act or process of becoming a bankrupt, due to continuous Fed interest rate increases.

3. Complete loss; — followed by of. “Bernanke’s continual Fed rate hikes destroyed my portfolio, forcing me to declare ‘Bernakruptcy’.”

Thesaurus words for “bernankruptcy”:

bouncing check, breakage, breakdown, bust, collapse, crack-up, crash, crippling, damage, defeat, destruction, detriment, dilapidation, disablement, disrepair, encroachment, failure, futility, harm, hobbling, hurt, hurting, ill success, impairment, incapacitation, infringement, injury, inroad, insolvency, insufficient funds, kited check, losing game, loss, maiming, mayhem, mischief, mutilation, no go, nonaccomplishment, nonsuccess, overdraft, overdrawn account, receivership, ruination, ruinousness, sabotage, scathe, sickening, spoiling, successlessness, unsuccess, unsuccessfulness, uselessness, weakening

Problem Is's picture

KP: You got Junked???
Who the hell doesn't like Rufus Thomas???

Samsonov's picture

Wake up people -- Elvis is not dead, and the recession ended last spring!  Just as Elvis is walking around in the form of Ed Asner, the economy is up-and-at-'em.  Just one more jolt of stimulus and they'll both be back to their old glory days.

DaveyJones's picture

Wait, I thought Nixon was alive walking around as Ed Asner and Nicolas Case was the reincarnation of the King?? 

Atomizer's picture

National Infrastructure Bank: Another Trilateral Ripoff?

PAX AMERICANA and the Weaponization of Space


The architects of this technology have the back door key. Don't fall for the media doom.

The crack heads like Obama want control to enslave you. Your US President color was used to recoup 30 years of lost time. Communist love to create new leaders under the false hope of progression. Understand their game plan.

We're all playing a game in life, some lose and others win. I like to help those who are not aware of there surroundings.

For instance, the UN just hired a guy to speak with aliens. More NGO bullshit at hand

President Obama UN Millenium Development Goals Speech Full Text

The closer this jackass gets to 2012, the more he will speak about the venus program. Mark my words. Be aware.

nmewn's picture

"when that hyperventilating fringe blog started discussing it (luckily, in less than 100 paragraph rambling and somnolent streams of consciousness).

But no, the SEC decided to wait until 20 weeks of fund outflows have put a nail in the coffin of investor confidence."

LOL...just a hunka hunka burnin love bitchez.

Village Idiot's picture

somnolent [?s?mn?l?nt]

1. drowsy; sleepy 2. causing drowsiness
[from Latin somnus sleep] somnolence , somnolency n somnolently  adv


Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998, 2000, 2003



goldmiddelfinger's picture

Two solutions:

1- Let all trades stand. Don't want a xrazy price? Don't place a xrazy trade. (Stop losses 90 percent under the market fer cryin out loud. Such a fool should be divorced from his money same as the HFT that hit my nutty bid. Same attitude toward bullshit on the upside. If CAT tommorrow trades at $498 it will be against my offer). Letting trades stand will wise up the freeriding asshats.

2- Go back to eights and quarters. I secretly suspect this is the true goal of the conspiracy.

LePetomane's picture

Although the flash crash does nothing to inspire confidence it's equally hard to argue that the year and a half of easy money that preceded it resembled anything normal.


Silverhog's picture

Ha Ha, this headline sucked me in so fast like a perch on a red devil lure!

cougar_w's picture

Does it anywhere in the report mention that I get a pony? Because I cannot go forward without a pony, after all this.

delacroix's picture

all this horseshit, theres gotta be a pony in here somewhere.

CitizenPete's picture

CFTC webcast or C-Span 10/5

Tuesday, October 5, 2010, 1:00 PM (ET)

European Commission Legislative Proposal for OTC Derivatives; Japanese Legislation on OTC Clearing; Ongoing and Anticipated IOSCO Projects; Dodd-Frank Rulemakings; and Foreign Board of Trade Registration Rulemaking

Exhale.  Exhale.  Exhale.  Preview:

sneering nihilist's picture

I like the title but let me offer a little advise regarding the story. You need to make it more believable. Add a talking snake, a talking bush, and a pregnant virgin. Those three very ordinary things would give this story more credibility.

goldmiddelfinger's picture

Yeah and besides, Obama's filed a patent on the parted sea.

sneering nihilist's picture

I done liked your first reply better.

goldmiddelfinger's picture

edited cause sounded like talking Bush

Kaiser Sousa's picture

Tyler -

i hope this was sent to the SEC for review...

keep on truckin'....

Everyman's picture

I have to respond to this message.  THESE people WANTED to work at the SEC, and most "wanted" to enforce and make a fair market, however as corrupt and worthless as it has become, there needs to be a purge, and it needs to start from within.  These people need to look in the mirror and remember what they are about.  Apparently it is being all about corruption and support the corrupt status quo at any cost.  I disagree in very dark and unforgiving terms to the part of the above post quoted below:

The only thing the SEC can do to begin the act of restoring confidence in the marketplace is for everyone at the world's most worthless organization, from Mary Schapiro to the lowliest analyst, to hand in their resignation effective 2 years ago, when the greatest experiment in market manipulation began in earnest.


No, I am thinking much darker and permanent.  These people need to get a brand new shiny handgun and insert a bullet in their own skulls.  How can they live with themselves being this damn worthless, and taking taxpayer money to "enforce regulations" that they do not enforce.

That may be a little harsh, but DAMN, does anyone have a shred of conscience or ethical responsibility at all anywhere???

That would be taken as a "committment to confidence".  That would also make me confident in the veracity of their convictions of cleaning up the market manipulation and the scourge of HFT.