Somali Pirates Disclose They Are A Subsidiary Of Goldman Sachs

Tyler Durden's picture

Andy Borowitz discloses what we all thought was 95% impossible, yet 5%* perfectly resonable, and in fact, expected and now welcomed. From the Borowitz Report.

NORFOLK, VIRGINIA (The Borowitz Report) - Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.

There was an audible gasp in court when the leader of the pirates announced, "We are doing God's work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein."

The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in dubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis' work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.

"We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday," the pirate said.

The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, "plus to get our share of the bailout money."

In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law.

"There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates," one government source said. "But if they're bankers, our hands are tied."

h/t Shanky

*Despite the "facts", we would urge a long position in the 95% tranche.

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BlackBeard's picture


We find the term pirates to be derogatory and demeaning.  The politically correct term is "privateer".

knukles's picture

Yeah, well just wait to see how Goldman, et al, reclassify themselves with respect to derivatives trading after Dodd's bill passes.  Pirates?

Mad Max's picture

I believe you mean non-government-affiliated privateer.

Lest those privateers with letters of marque and reprisal get their panties in a bunch.

ZerOhead's picture

Is it just me or is Bankfine looking a little gay these days?

Inspector Asset's picture

Just one of the oil hyping operations of 2008. If you look deep enough, I m sure we would find AP writers on Goldmans payroll writing puffed pieces.

knukles's picture

Gay as the Vertical Stabilizer Art on the Greek C-130 Hercules.

MsCreant's picture

But it's pretty! Hell of man who can look good in a skirt. Need good legs for a kilt or a toga.

A big war plane like that is quite an erection. That and the Acropolis Palaiokastro, the Athenian Treasury, you know those erections those greeks are famous for.

Trial of the Pyx's picture


scroll down about 45% of the way...2nd pic posted by Ryo, check out the selector labels on this lower.

Eally Ucked's picture

After Mr. Dover series we have another drivel, supposedly funny, from another member of the same group. Probably he thinks he is very original in his writings. 

MsCreant's picture

Because you are Eally Ucked, and post a "see no evil primate" as your avatar, I know you have a sense of humor. Loosen up, monkey around some. Life is too short. :-)

Eally Ucked's picture

I promise you that I follow your advice, and the next time I read about GS involvement in blow up of oil platform or Mississippi tornado, I will laugh like crazy!


Alienated Serf's picture

go crank one out and calm the fuck down.

BorisTheBlade's picture

Will someone please present Lord Blankfein with the following book: ? It's sensible to adopt it as a first read for newcomers into GS. Narrative seems appropriate:

The novel follows Anton, an undercover operative from the future planet Earth, in his mission on an alien planet, that is populated by human beings, whose society has not advanced beyond the Middle Ages. The novel's core idea is that human progress throughout the centuries is often cruel and bloody, and that religion and blind faith can be an effective tool of oppression, working to destroy the emerging scientific discipline and enlightenment. The title 'Hard to be a God' refers to Anton's (known as his alias Don Rumata throughout the book) perception of his precarious role as an observer on the planet, for while he has far more advance knowledge than the people around him, he is forbidden to assist too actively, as it would interfere with the natural progress of history.

Forget "Atlas Shrugged".

buzzsaw99's picture

Paint it BLK.



Cursive's picture

I'm more apt to believe this than to believe that Goldman is doing God's work.  We need a Goldman e-mail search, keywords "pirate(s)" "Somali" "Mogadishu".


ETA:  I know it's satire.  Don't start the flaming.

Rusty Shorts's picture

Imagine that, Goldman Shanks having a Pirate Navy, raiding shipping they have shorted.


 - aye mate, aaaarrrgghhh.

knukles's picture

Arrrrragh, long's we don't 'tack thar Navie boooat, the'll be naught Peanlties, maties.

Oracle of Kypseli's picture

Since some of the GS crew are fairies, they also have "ferry boats"

tmosley's picture

I was thinking GS might have actually taken over the Pirate Stock Exchange:

I always thought it would be a good idea for these guys to open an insurance company, such that insured vessels are not attacked by pirates.

akak's picture

Shiver me timbers! 

As an honest and hard-working pirate, I take severe umbrage at my ancient and honorable profession being sullied by any implied association with the despicable highwaymen of Goldman-Sachs.  Any REAL pirate would sooner be keel-hauled and walk the plank than join such a band of scallywags!  Arrrrh!

Moe Speeks's picture

It is just a matter of time,


cougar_w's picture

Of course. I'll even go out on a limb and predict there will come a day when most global trade (across trade-protected borders) is reduced to piracy of one kind or another, perhaps smuggling. And if that's the case, how far down the path are smugglers guilds and tradable securities in privateer company stock? In the current environment, where free money chases any yield at all and the sun never sets on the casino lifestyle, why will anyone hesitate to invest in (crime) organizations that promise measurable returns?

This will absolutely save the bacon for coastal cities with functioning ports-o-call. I'm thinking Oakland, CA is half way there.

No sarc flag. 100% serious. Look out beyond 15 years and tell me what you see.

MsCreant's picture

Ya know, I had a laugh, in a sort of shallow way, said yeah, cougar is right, then thought, "But if I gave real criminals my money, I wouldn't expect to see it paid back, or a dividend." Then I had to say, "Oh wait..."

I'm with you.

Miles Kendig's picture

Great comments.  I do have a matter to bring to your attention for untangling MsCreant.  Ya, a first I know with you anyway.  If warranted then respond on the original thread.  peace   Page two, comment #316660.

Sespian's picture

"Won't you help to sing..."

"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery;

none but ourselves can free our minds"

merehuman's picture

captcha getting more difficult. Cheers to all of you.

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

When Lord BlankCheck reads this, which he will (ZH was only disallowed for the low levels of GS, the upper divisions read Robo at least once a day, not only for his charting, but for his pics and Leo's Greek videos), he will think, "ZH is on to something again.  Someone get my yacht ready!  I am going to Somalia!"

Mercury's picture

More likely just another ploy to join a yacht club.

Joe Sixpack's picture

It is clear that the pirates were hired to improve GS public image.

Mad Max's picture

Well, if you believe this, all the pirate stuff is nonsense being used to cover up the existence of an interdimensional gateway:

kaiten's picture

NWO is coming, and Goldman will be the World´s Central Bank ;)

Chopshop's picture

well, since the Nigerian rent-a-rebels that show up (every time) the day before T. Boone is about to appear on Criminal Narrators Boosting are ostensibly on BP Capital's payroll, this doesn't seem to be that much of stretch.

dot_bust's picture

Yo ho ho, it's a banker's life for me.

Amsterdammer's picture

I am just waiting to hear from the findings

of the British FSA investigation on the businesses or scams

ran fom the GSI-Interlanational-London run

subsidiary to read even more unbelievable

information. Watch out !

Pladizow's picture

Its nice to see that giant squids and pirates have put their differences behind them and are now working on a common goal to fuck society.

mbasham's picture


bigdad06's picture

Very funny! Classic!:))

Henry Chinaski's picture

I have seen a Green Flash before, but not when I was looking for it. It's never what you are looking for that gets you.

Quittin' to GS would be like swallowin' piss for eternity. Buy, buy, buy.

sun1's picture

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newdeals2's picture

kind or another, perhaps smuggling. And if that's the case, how far down the path are smugglers guilds and tradable securities in privateer company stock? In the current environment, where free money chases any yield at all and the sun never sets on the casino lifestyle, why will anyone hesitate to invest in (crime) organizations that promise measurable returns?70-515 | 70-516 | 70-516 | 70-519 | 70-523 | 70-526 | 70-528 | 70-536 | 70-542 | 70-547 | 70-562 |