Tim Geithner's Cover Letter To Goldman Sachs Leaked

Tyler Durden's picture

As Zero Hedge readers predicted by a margin of more than nearly three to one, Tim Geithner's next employer of choice, per bnet's Constantine von Hoffman, is none other than the universal viceroy-cum-vampire squid presiding at 200 West according to a just "leaked" letter. And while we all know the key resume highlights (issuing $1.5 trillion in debt a year for the duration of his tenure, mopped up on both sides by Quantitative Easing, bringing America to the verge of insolvency and living on an "auction to auction" basis), here is the summary of Geithner's key qualifications that make him a shoo in for the job.

 

Timothy F. Geithner
Department of The Treasury
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington DC 20220
(202) 622-2000
HR Department
Goldman Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282

Dear Mr./Ms. Last Name:

I am writing to apply for the position of Master Of The Universe at Goldman Sachs as advertised in The Bilderberg Group Daily News. I believe my experience in experimenting on the economy
playing with other people’s money makes me an excellent candidate for
this position. As requested, I am enclosing a completed job application,
my certification, my resume and three references. (Please call Dr. Kissinger first. He’s not getting any younger.)

I have extensive experience working for with the rich and powerful. My most recent job was as secretary of the U.S. Treasury (a
situation which put a premium on diversity awareness). Even before I
took the job I was the center of attention in Washington. And despite
not paying any income taxes for four years, my nomination was opposed by
only a third of the Senate. As Treasury Secretary, I ended all those
fluctuations in the unemployment rate and kept it at a nice
steady level. Despite the job’s title, I did NOT answer phones or any
filing. Although I can do both while typing 120 wpm. With one hand.

Among my many other accomplishments: Helping a large number of
financial institutions avoid the consequences of their actions.  As many
of the very large number of our mutual friends (hint, hint) will tell you, the quid pro quo
on this — cutting executive salaries and perks while limiting dividends
and corporate acquisitions — was strictly window dressing. Remember the
bonuses AIG paid to executives in its Financial Services division after receiving $170 billion in bailout?

Prior to my current position I served as president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. It was in that job, when I got Bear Stearns
a $30 billion bailout, that I discovered my true vocation: Giving large
amounts of other people’s money to down-on-their-luck wealthy
institutions. This was very important to help the economy, no matter what Paul Krugman says. I mean really, what’s he ever done?

In closing I would just like to say how much I respect and admire your CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, whom everyone agrees is very spry for a man of his age.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Tim

P.S.: Don’t believe what you read in the press about me: I still want
the job. Actually, just don’t believe anything about me you read in the
press. Call me!

 

h/t @vigilantgrandpa