FRANK 'N DODD MAKE TITANIC WALL STREET FRANKENSTEIN LEGEND LIVE LONGER
This is Timmah "the Zodiac" Geithner:
Just two and a half years ago, with our country entering our own second Great Depression, we met with the POTUS in the White House to discuss whether to make some quick moves in those first months of his trojan horse administration to create the illusion of fundamental reform of the financial system -- or to just pretend we had put the crisis behind us.
POTUS then made two decisive key decisions. First, he chose to do both, make a quick move and pretend, knowing that the popular forces of opposition to Wall Street would grow stronger with each day of increasing unemployment and financial misery. And second, he asked us, that's me, to write draft legislation, but first run it past Jamie and Lloyd. However, POTUS did not want the new rules to appear to be written by his Wall Street puppet masters who brought us to the edge of catastrophic financial failure in the first place.
In June 2009, the administration (that's me) submitted to Congress a two page double spaced proposal hand written by yours truly and graded by visiting University of Chicago Professor Hank Paulsen, that would fundamentally neuter the perception that the financial system is a broken and corrupt machine designed to assist Wall Street siphon wealth from ordinary middle class Americans (what few there are remaining). It was designed to lay a stronger element of popular misdirection implying a false political mantra of innovation, economic growth and job creation with robust protections for consumers and investors and tough constraints on the routine Wall Street orgy of drunken risk-taking.
We drew on ideas and insights from economic PSYOPS-oriented spin doctors, lobbyists across the Wall Street political spectrum, Paul Klugman, Jamie Diamondback, Jeff Coremelt and, of course, Herman Goering.
As the Democratic Chairmen of the Senate Banking Committee and the House Financial Services Committee Chris Dodge and Butthole Frank initiated auction bidding on the bill, we expected backing from both sides of Wall Street. Even though that proved impossible in Capitol Hill Whore House, where reform passed initially even without a single Republican vote, we remained hopeful that a blizzard of Wall Street campaign contributions would garner bipartisan hacking. But senior Republican negotiators on the Senate Banking Committee were unable to manufacture the core set of illusory reforms Wall Street said they could support. Ultimately, the Bride of Franken-Dodd passed with only six Republican votes.
Where are we today, a year since the Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act was signed into law? It all depends on if you were fabulously wealthy, obscenely wealthy, ordinary wealthy, just plain wealthy, Osama Bin Laden or a wealthy Congressman.
By almost any measure, the U.S. Kleptofraudocratic financial system is in much stronger shape, not just relative to the depth of the continuing crisis but also relative to conditions that prevailed before it hit. If you were wealthy before the crisis, you are either just as wealthy today or in most instances, wealthier in comparison to the vast majority of all those ordinary unwealthy iPad obsessed unemployed unAmerican mortgage deadbeats.
Incredibly, we have discovered most of the investments the government made to put out the fires and avert disaster have benefited Wall Street banks, hedge fund managers and other genetically related financial parasites. While many misperceive the investment made in banks under the Troubled Asset Relief Program as an unfair and unjust gift to the financial sector, applying Ken Lay principles of modern finance, we have already turned a nice profit on these investments, and we may do so on all the sundry annal penetration and wealthy American bailout programs (you see, the ends do justify the means). Moreover, these revolutionary kapitalistic ideas have helped to formulate green shit growth, deplete the value of American families' home equity and savings by trillions of dollars, make it possible for the wives of Wall Street CEOs and Newt Gingrich to borrow again, and prevent the second Great Depression from spreading to Greenwich Connecticut, Park Avenue, Central Park East, West and in the Summer months, East Hampton New York.
All financial crises are caused by too much leverage (so I am told), stands to reason by increasing US government leverage by ten standard deviations, we have taken the most important step toward embellishing the certainty of future mega crises. We have helped the largest TBTF financial institutions to rob, pillage and fraudclose on ordinary mortals and to assume much larger financial three card monte bets by means of the huge unregulated derivative positions they take. Our user friendly industry-sourced banking regulators have reached global agreement on new shell capital standards that coupled with mark-to-fantasy ENRON principles, appear to require the world's largest financial firms, all 10 of them, to hold roughly about three times more capital relative to risk than before the crisis and 20 times more market share.
And for the first time, we have the ability to extend these types of illusory limits on risk-taking to moronically managed sucker firms like AIG, that may fancy themselves as savvy pseudo Wall Street banks but could still pose catastrophic risk to Goldman Sachs and Deutsche Bank were they to fail.
The Securities and Exchange Commission, the Commodity Futures Trading Commission, the "Chief" (CONTROL), Mr Waverly of the U.N.C.L.E. and the banking regulators have outlined the major theoretical elements of reforms to bring oversight, transparency and erectile stability to the $600 trillion online pornography industry.
The Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation has developed new rainbow rubber faux fruit flavored sexcessories to safely unwind or break up popular lobbying organizations that attempt to attack Wall Street in the future, without exposing bankers to any risk of bodily harm and angry fruit flies. This framework, together with the rough HFT same sex requirements, suspended derivatives BDSM reforms, and the developing judicial precedents in the law on sodomy and future bailouts will make the wealthiest Americans more than ever resilient in crisis. They will also help camouflage the expectation that taxpayers will in the future once again inevitably step in yet again to once again save the financial industry again from its unending mistakes....again...lean over.
The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau has already proposed new ways to further demystify, boilerplate and fine print mortgage and credit-card loans so that college students can shop on Facebook for the best terms and be financially inebriated with even more debts, particularly those pertaining to student loans which I am pleased to report currently greatly exceed consumer debt. And the president has selected former Ohio Attorney General Richard Cordray to serve as the bureau's first director, building upon the bankster disaster averted by blocking Prof. Elizabeth Warren's appointment. Whew, close call there!
Finally, we have started the 100 year process of winding up with 100% of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac on the taxpayers backs and redeforming the overall mortgage market.
We are implanting faux reform quickly (hee hee) but carelessly, and we are taking direct lobbyist input and accepting unread public emails at each step of the way. Because this is complicated work for a half witted Wall Street chimpanzee turd head in a pinstriped clown suit such as myself, and because it entails extensive coordination of multiple sheeple anal penetrations around the globe, some rules are being written much to quickly by others with greater mental bandwidth. Where we need much more time (at least a second Presidential term) to return our precious bodily fluids into equalibrium, we will take all the time we need and there is nothing Main Street USA can do or say about it.
There is still a great deal of work to do to repair the damage to Dick Fuld, Sandy Weill, Stan O 'Neil and Jimmy Cayne's net worth caused by the crisis, and to implement the full framework of NAV and mo mo stock value repairs. Ultimately, success will depend on making sure that we can write incomprehensibly abstruse rules that promote the health of Wall Street instead of the incredibly trite idea of developing a long term oriented production based US economy -- and that those charged with enforcing these abstrusely incomprehensible rules have the resources and the talented Wall Street revolving door hacks they need to get the job done.
As we move forward, however, many of the enemies of the fabulously obscenely royally rich who fought for truly effective reform during the legislative process are now trying to slow down the ongoing sodonomical Wall Street lobby regulatory wilding campaign, create simple but effective rules, starve regulatory agencies of online adult entertainment resources, and block more cronylogical nominations so that they can ultimately kill a good thing.
Rest assured, the POTUS, Bernank and eyeself will not let that happen. Too big to fail Americans are still suffering from the pain of the financial crisis. We owe them at least one more Main Street financial gang bang with better abuse lubrication and the mother of all holy catastrophic risks, just as soon as our trusty PhD financial engineers can reinvent the next new new new new new new thing.
Head this, as secretary of the Treasury, I will recommend that the POTUS veto any legislation passed by Congress that would undermine these vital projectiles of financial sodomy. I am in full control and I am...
Linda Green, Vice-President
(WB7: If you are reading this...yes she is still signing title documents all over the USA you turd helmeted, pinstriped, douche bag of a Wall Street backscrubber)
WB7: If any of you are getting tired of all the analogies and comparisons to the titanic metaphor, don't be.
Geithner is the living embodiment of everything titanic in our uncivilization. He is running the USS United States full steam ahead (First Officer Ben at the Navigation station) straight into the field of financial icebergs and as I have said before he is either too stupid to know (doubtful) or too corrupt to give a flying fuck on Sunday...
I love this poster from the Denver Museum of Natural History and Science (which I have slightly modified). I am sure you will as well.