Tonight's Comedy Hour Punchline: Japan To Stress Test Nuclear Plants

Tyler Durden's picture

Just when one thinks news can't get any more... what's the right word here... here it comes. Per Reuters, Japan has decided to justify the credibility of its nukes, by, get this, performing stress tests. "Japan's trade minister Banri Kaieda said the government would conduct stress tests on all nuclear power reactors in Japan, Jiji news agency reported on Wednesday. The minister also said he would ensure there were no problems with power supplies, Jiji reported." Where does one start here: that the ECB is not the one conducting the tests - after all who has more expertise with stress tests... Or that the tests come after the biggest nuclear catastrophe since Chernobyl: after all what's the downside - one more Fukushima and Japan would convert into the Prypiat level from Call of Duty... Or that the tests will just accidentally forget to test for such 60 sigma events as earthquakes or tsunamis... Or that the announcement comes a day after the Japanese reconstruction minister quit after a week on the job... Or that the ECB will announce it will accept Japan's nukes as collateral until at least 10 major networks show footage of a mushroom cloud.... Or that ISDA will shortly determine that another nuclear explosion is not really a nuclear explosion and that all CDS against nuclear explosions will be null and void as soon as there is an actual explosion... Or that Tim Geithner is currently in Tokyo explaining there is nothing more credible than a stress tested nuke... Or that Basel VIIIXLC will find a NPP safe if its ratio of gamma to alpha radiation is more than 1 megaroentgen, promptly followed by Jamie Dimon bitching to BOJ president Shirakawa that 1 megaroentgen is too much to demand from Fukushima Street.... And it continues. Etc. Etc. Etc.

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mynhair's picture

Tow a nuke down the street?  This is far out even for ZH!

max2205's picture

Yep, and Moody's will rate them.

( I promised myself to just read and not post... Oh well)

Gunther's picture

there is a typo in the headline "Street test" while "Stress Test" is meant.

mynhair's picture

.....and it's gone.....

Zero Govt's picture

Good to see Japans Govt conducting stress tests now after Fukinshambles!!

...which begs the big question just what has Japans Nuclear Regulator been up to all these years??? it like every country that has Financial Regulators (who all failed miserably on their supervisory guarantees) sitting on their over-paid inept crony arses whistling Dixie?

Zero Govt's picture

Thanks Manthong

your article says 2 new Jap nuclear plants are fully operational (fired up and supplying electricity to the grid) yet have not been awarded licenses to be operational... and the Nuclear Regulator is whistling Dixie as per usual, not a whimper from them, crones getting paid to sit on their hands and look the other way (the usual regulatory capture of porn on the net presumably)

Pretty typical of all regulation and Law ...the bigger you are and more ingratiated with the political system the wider the Regulators move the goalposts for you to glide through (in Japan the nuclear regulator no doubt bows and smiles as you do)

Aristarchan's picture

Street testing sounds like a decent idea...but watch out for rain, since they obviously flunked the splash test.

LoneStarHog's picture

Tyler, I believe the title should be STRESS and not STREET.  Though Fukushima has effectively STREET tested the facilities.

KennyG09's picture

So what we already know. They only acknowledge that something is terribly wrong after tragedy is run to its final destination.

His name is Robert Paulson.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Is it possible for an entire world to have jumped the shark? Doesn't there need to be "normal' somewhere out there in order to measure ludicrous against?

Just askin' because it's beginning to look that way.

mynhair's picture

Just lost it's collective mind, is all.  Resistance is futile.

Matte_Black's picture

Yes, CD. Possible, probable, and likely. Our planet is suffering a great delusion. Btw, loved your series of articles. I read them while on the road the last month. nice.

Sabibaby's picture

"Jump the Shark" Excellent analogy thank you!



tom a taxpayer's picture

Breaking News: Japanese government reports Fukushima nuclear radiation contained after stress test by Bernanke.

Japanese government press release:

"Japanese government is happy to announce Fukushima nuclear radiation is contained, based on stress test by world class containment expert Ben Bernanke. Core radiation, which strips out non-core radiation affecting food, energy, and people beyond the core reactors, remains contained within Bernanke's target for core radiation for a worst-case nuclear accident."

"Bernanke's stress test took note of the recent rise in non-core radiation in hundreds of square kilometers on land and sea around Fukashima. Bernanke-san assures Japanese government these are temporary, transitory spikes in radiation unlikely to become problematic as long as radiation expectations remain well-anchored. Ben-san congratulated the Japanese government for the withholding and obfuscation of radiation information and for showing how to anchor the public's radiation expectations toward the low or harmless end. Ben lamented that he was not able to anchor expectations to a similar degree in the U.S. due to a few bad apples, like Ron Paul, Zero Hedge, and a FOIA lawsuit by Bloomberg News."

Escapeclaws's picture


Ever notice how all those top executives have transportable skills? Slaughterhouse, concentration camp--makes no difference for truly capable and visionary executives.

No wonder we give them rather than the shareholders the bulk of the corporate earnings!

TheFourthStooge-ing's picture

Bernanke: "At this juncture, however, the impact on the broader economy and financial markets of the radiation from the subprime reactors seems likely to be contained."

Hank Paulson: "From the standpoint of the overall environment, my bottom line is we're watching the radiation closely but it appears to be contained."

Chris O'Meara, Lehman Brothers CFO: "We continue to believe that subprime reactor challenges are and will continue to be reasonably contained."

Sam Molinaro, Bear Stearns CFO: "Plutonium hasn't spilled into other parts of the market."

Timothy Bitsberger, Fraudie Mac Treasurer: "The subprime reactor meltdown is severe but contained."

Bernanke: "The troubles in the subprime reactors seem unlikely to seriously spill over to the broader environment or the financial system."

Hank Paulson: "I also said I thought in an environment as diverse and healthy as this that losses may occur in a number of nuclear power plants, but that overall this is contained and we have a healthy environment."

Timmy Geithner: "Japan has the capacity to manage through this, and I think they will. Our environment is getting stronger. We’re seeing a lot of strength, improvement and confidence."


Yen Cross's picture

  Can we watch it on Bloomberg TV?

Oh regional Indian's picture

You could watch it on BOOMberg TV.

Banks, Nuclear Plants.... all good eh?

Now it's clear what the US has been up to all these years.

Just stress testing it's armed forces.


slewie the pi-rat's picture

that must be why there is so much post-stress test disorder among vets...

Eireann go Brach's picture

If you see a hole in the reactor, just plug it with the head of Larry Summers!

NOPOMO's picture

Very funny.  Kinda like stress testing the Banks to restore confidence all the while holding the same toxic waste as before.  A physical plant is no different.  The radiation levels may be off the charts, but the plant is tough enough to withstand a nuclear blast. 

Mae Kadoodie's picture

Timmah would be perfect for this.  Turbo Test Timmah.

NOPOMO's picture

Fukushima will joint the list of TBTF (Too Big To Fry).

SaveTheBales's picture

Stress testing a nuclear reactor after 4 of them have done a patty melt, with the population trudging into the night.

I suppose next you're gonna tell me that we trained these guys, right?



Piranhanoia's picture

Yes, intense training was included in the package we sold them. They visited our sites and we taught them for weeks on end.

Don't report fires. There is no problem. The evacuation zone is just a technicality. The building fell over in the wind.  Your children can't already glow in the dark.  That is not godzilla, no matter what. The steam is to cool it off. No, can't have lunch with you, I eat only what I can import.  

Who will shut them down and move the crap to some reasonably safe place for storage?  That's right,  nice knowing you.

bob_dabolina's picture

60 sigmas? {blOoOp bbeeep boiNg beEEeeep bInG bIng blOOp\\\]

-AIGFP Quant

Matte_Black's picture

Mr. Dabolina

I have come to declare you the winner of the great Fukushima flame war. lol...

"It is insurmountable, impossible, hopeless Trav." lulz

An existential clusterfuck indeed.


bob_dabolina's picture

I had a teacher whom wisely once told me: 

"There are no bounds to the depravity of the human condition"

The words are resounding particularly in reflection to this crisis, where so many lives are put at risk, and so much cover up implemented to preserve power. How many unborn children, women, and innocent men will be ravaged by this disaster is unquantifiable in my imagination.  

It's a shame that we resort to preserving prestige over that of human life itself; but such is living in the current world. I guess, it's nothing new but the anguish we bestow upon one another can bring great humility to a man who witnesses it first hand. We go through great lengths to preserve profit and status.

Matte_Black's picture

Indeed, sir. Clearly, you learned that lesson well. Morality is no longer an input to their equation. Keep that heart, brother. I'm with you.

Loki Verloren's picture

it should be pointed out that the chernobyl meltdown was the direct result of an 'experiment' on the reactor. the recently released documentary 'the battle of chernobyl' is a very worthwhile watch if you want to know about what a collossal and evil mistake the whole thing was from start to finish. the japanese government is behaving in precisely the same way as the soviet government behaved... as much as i hate socialism, it just shows that interventionist governments that like to deceptively describe themselves as capitalists are no different.

johngaltfla's picture

Wouldn't it be cheaper to just wait for another earthquake?

Pez's picture

Stress test? See how many central banksters it takes to fill the containment vessels.

Piranhanoia's picture

If the news of the day wasn't enough to convince us,  what does it take?  

williambanzai7's picture

Life imitating Banzai7...

Yen Cross's picture

  Bob that was beyond funny! Geese WB-7. That was rich!

disabledvet's picture

gesundheit to you too, Banzai.

Trifecta Man's picture

No way this thing survives a Godzilla attack.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

From this angle it looks like an anal plug.........not that I would know what one looks like.

But I assure you that if I did know what one looks like it would look like this.

Matte_Black's picture

I feel certain that if you knew what one looked like, you would not change your opinion, lol...

Aristarchan's picture

"Anal plug?" Is that kind some kind of retentive strategy?

Matte_Black's picture

hahahahahha... She couldn't type the word 'buttplug' I bet. She's a writer of serious stuff. CD doesn't deal in buttplugs. lol... damn I've missed you guys...

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Nope. I just got tired of using the thumb to plug up the fiat dam. I suspect this is what it will look like when it all finally goes to hell.

Matte_Black's picture

hahahahahahahahahahaa..... i'm fallin off my chair now. godhelpus.jpg

Matte_Black's picture

good to see you, cd. hope you are well. thanks for the laugh...

Aristarchan's picture

Well, Cog, you have to admit here that this is not COMPLETE destruction, Big Ben managed to save a segment.

Yen Cross's picture

  You " Fellas" Go way back! I'm not touching this one!

nothing can go wrogn's picture

Holy shit that is awesome. "spent politician tunnel" hah.