Unsolicited Offer to the Securities & Exchange Commission: Hire Me

Anal_yst's picture

In the wake of the extremely obvious lack of diligence from a Judge hearing an SEC settlement with General Electric, its come to my attention that the SEC is still even worse than my cynical self imagined.  The organization is so completely and pathetically useless that they don't even bother actually doing anything but attempted public lip service.  Seriously, how do you charge a company with accounting fraud without, ya' know, identifying the fraud, who perpetrated it and how, and what's been done to make sure it won't happen again, at the very least?  This isn't rocket science, and yet their ongoing track record suggests we might as well be asking them to explain super string theory when all they really have to do is ask a few freaking questions and put a few puzzle pieces together.

I personally just can't sit idly by and facepalm/laugh/cry anymore.  I am hereby volunteering my services to help my Country and investors World-wide by going to work for the frenemy: the Securities & Exchange Commission. 

I'm offering to work inside the belly of the beast, to sit through hours of what are no-doubt eye-gougingly-boring staff meetings, meetings where inexperience and an incredible lack of natural curiosity are likely nourished.  I promise to tell you, the SEC, when you are about to get your FAIL on, when you are failing to connect two already connected dots, to act as the voice of reason in the absense of, well, any.  I will ask the questions that you either don't know to ask, or just don't ask for whatever other reason(s) unbeknownst to me. 

I may not be Harry Markopolos, but unlike the hacks you (have) currently employ(ed), I understood his 1999 letter in which he clearly explained that Madoff was a fraud.

You can reach me via email,  its (dot) the (dot) anal (dot) yst (at) gmail (dot) com.  The ball is in your court.  Make the right decision, for your fellow country men and investors everywhere. 


update: corrected typo in email address

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Thurgy's picture

I'd take the job for zero salary and a percentage of the fraud uncovered.

RoRoTrader's picture

First post at ZH so lets hope I can hit a/the glass with this dive.

Anonymous # 72496 said, "You poor hapless naive little fool. Don't you know what SEC stands for.......Suck Every Cock.....you can find on Wall Street.

I love the direct-to-the point-no-pussy-bullshit creative writing here and LOL when I read this.......also thought it had a ring not unlike the Climb Every Mountain theme song from Sound Of Music.

Maybe some brighter minds than mine can rearrnage some of the lyrics to suit the SEC.

Cindy_Dies_In_The_End's picture

Hey if this works, let me know and I'll write an article asking for a job too :)

Project Mayhem's picture

This article is awesome! So much sarcasm. . . Are you my alter-ego??

ToNYC's picture

If you altered your ego properly, you wouldn't be asking.


californiagirl's picture

Wonderful! I have been suggesting that some of you go work for the SEC.  I sent off the URL to this page to someone I know in Enforcement at the San Francisco SEC.

Anonymous's picture

Clearly does not respect the org?

Wouldn't showing respect for the SEC in its current form be essentially condoning its past action (inaction)???

We need to take the world back, by the people for the people. But the first step is getting 'the people' on the same page after decades of being "divided and conquered".

Latinos don't trust white people, blacks distrust latinos, conservatives hate liberals, and on and on. Completely fabricated conflicts, each and every one.

Anonymous's picture

This is stupid....why would the SEC hire anyone who openly resents, questions, and clearly does not respect the organization? Secondly, why would they go through the trouble of emailing/soliciting you...why don't you email them?

You mention volunteering...does that mean you are willing to provide your services free of charge or are you 'volunteering' to put yourself into contention as a candidate for hire?

I'd think you are smart enough to realize your post has little hope of actually accomplishing the task you aim to want to complete and more effectively serves as a rhetorical piece used to unite the people (something you often criticize the MSM of doing).

So, my question to you is where does your hypocrisy end?

Anal_yst's picture

Its quite clear the SEC is worried they might catch the ire they deserve, thus, by hiring an industry professional (or a few) they could quell some of the criticism heaped upon them and say "hey, we're making moves, see, we hired one of our harshest critics to help us out!"

Please, also, enlighten me as to what is hypocritical here?

While I appreciate the effort, you're really thinking way too much about this, chillax broheim.



phaesed's picture
  • Probably the same place that the SEC's does.
mberry8870's picture

In my view most of the regulators are lawyers and have extremely limited skill sets. Lawyers, in general are trained to think in a particular manner. That doesn't mean they have the slightest clue about trading, finance, fraud or how to manage. Read the full 475 pages of the IG report regarding Madoff and the SEC response. It is absolutely appalling. They are much more than incompetent. The only response we get back about the report is that they are sorry and at least they are not corrupt.

I just couldn't go work for the SEC given the people I would have to be around.

Anal_yst's picture

The SEC says they pay "seasoned industry professionals" $108,286 to $227,300.  If they hit me around the midpoint I'd take the job, call it a 1-year consulting gig.  Place needs some people who know what to look for, how to go about gettin it done, and aren't just there to kiss a$$ until they can jump ship for the private sector.

assumptionblindness's picture

We have been working for the SEC for over 20-years.  Our team worked on the Martha Stewart case...how can you say that we have accomplished nothing?!  BTW, who is Madoff?

Anonymous's picture

You poor, poor, hapless naive little fool.

Don't you know what the SEC stands for....

Suck Every Cock...you can find on Wall-Street

Anonymous's picture

Yeah, damn the SEC. The SEC was notified in late 2005 that 6.3 million investors' PII was compromised and being used fraudulently. The SEC did nothing. If things go the way I expect, the whole thing will be swept under the rug, and the many victims who are identity theft and identity fraud victims will never realize that the SEC - and TD Ameritrade - are largely to blame. Details: http://caringaboutsecurity.wordpress.com
Perhaps if the issue gets more press, something will be done.

SEC complaint info:

Anyone know of a way to get ANY info from the SEC on whether the SEC has done ANYTHING about this complaint?

E Thomas St.'s picture

I'd do it for my current salary now which is well below 100k a year.

FreddyInBangkok's picture

why don't some of you go up there and bang on some doors?

everybody's watching what you won't do. funny eh?


Anonymous's picture

Too many lawyers at the SEC and not enough finance types. They are using the wrong tools for the job at hand. The paradox of making laws is by codifying what is illegal, the smart, hungry for money, and unethical will undertake the uncodified and risky to make money. This results in regulatory arbitrage that goes unchecked because there is no system or incentive to investigate it in the first place. Out of the box financial innovation cannot always be crammed back into existing legal boxes. You would be shocked by how few jobs are available to people with private sector or academic finance training with the federal government. But lawyers can get just about any job.

But there is no excuse for the Madoff robbery since he was not even a registered investment advisor (he had thousands more clients than the minimum number that necessitated him becoming an RIA and was managing money illegally). Madoff had someone at the SEC looking out for him, just as he looked out for the "money managers" who recommended him to clients.

Anonymous's picture

"Whaddaya mean you're working on a multimillion dollar accounting fraud at GE, the plan was for you was to do the books at Mildred's shoe store! If you're not a team player like the rest of the guys you may not make it here."

Anonymous's picture

Don't jump so soon into a morass that will suck the lifeblood out of you. Your contributions as an 'outsider' are far more effective than becoming assimilated.

KevinB's picture

You will become assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Just ask Jack (off) Ryan...

Anonymous's picture

You sound very frustrated ZH. Chill. The government will take care of everything alright !!

Anonymous's picture

let's get this viral, and have thousands apply. this is great.

curbyourrisk's picture

Add me to the list of those offering my services......for a fee.

Sqworl's picture

Good luck, I applied and was turned down, along with several seasoned regulatory ppl.

You must be willing to look the other way.  They will only hire insiders who play the game for the industry.  They target retail ppl. 

The SEC is the school yard warden for the political scumbags in congress!

ToNYC's picture

Of course. If they wanted honesty, they would have hired Harry Markopolis on the spot for Sheriff and let him be the chief vetting agent, but Nooooooooo!....remember Blutarski went on to become US Senator.

KevinB's picture

And Blutarski got the girl, too!

Anonymous's picture

Is that Like The Internet thing