Vega Strategies: Loan Request To Ben Shalom Bernanke: Divide One Upcoming Day's Worth of Asset Purchases Between Wall Street and American Entrepreneurs

Tyler Durden's picture

From Vega Strategies

Loan Request to Ben Shalom Bernanke! Divide One Upcoming Day's Worth of Asset Purchases Between Wall Street and American Entrepreneurs! (pdf) (scribd)

Humble Loan Request

Ben Shalom Bernanke, we the entrepreneurs of the United States of America request that you divide one upcoming day's worth of asset purchases between Wall Street and us, to wit, may the tiny sum of $3 billion, minuscule juxtaposed with the hundreds and hundreds of billions of dollars you are feeding your Primary Dealers and their clients in your Quantitative Easing program, may the modest sum of $3 billion be used for a pilot program to purchase securities issued by American entrepreneurs in connection with the startup of 3,000 validly formatted new business enterprises, such $3 billion to be used to purchase $1 million of the Perpetual Subordinated Capital Securities of each. Your pilot program, Ben Shalom, will show results almost immediately, thereupon you should expand the program, first to $5 billion, a little more than half of one major day's worth of asset purchases, for the startup of 5,000 validly formatted new business enterprises, then to $7 billion, almost all of just one major day's worth of asset purchases, for the startup of 7,000 validly formatted new business enterprises. A validly formatted new business enterprise is one with a valid business purpose and whose management is mentored by the SBA's resource partner the Service Corps Of Retired Executives. The SBA will manage the Perpetual Subordinated Capital Securities positions purchased by the Federal Reserve System. Transactions will be executed on a first come, first served basis, venture capitalists aka vulture capitalists neither welcomed nor required.

We will lay to it that many tens of thousands of new jobs will be created and that levels of resource utilization will be raised! We will lay to that, Ben Shalom! That's what you say your mission is! Foster maximum employment and price stability! Know that few if any economists, only the most dismal of your dismal scientists, will aver that the risk of high inflation being specifically unleashed by this loan of yours is so high that the creation of tens of thousands of new jobs should be subordinated to the liquidity requirements of your Primary Dealers and their clients!

Consider this humble loan request as on your desk, Ben Shalom, with best regards, through the good offices of Zero Hedge!

Zombie Economy

Ben Shalom Bernanke, thus said your Federal Open Market Committee in its most recent statement on January 26th: "... Although the Committee anticipates a gradual return to higher levels of resource utilization in a context of price stability, progress toward its objectives has been disappointingly slow... The Committee will regularly review the pace of its securities purchases and the overall size of the asset purchase program in light of incoming information and will adjust the program as needed to best foster maximum employment and price stability."

On that selfsame day, Ben Shalom, as was revealed a day later, you had to disclose a surge in the periodic average daily Excess Reserves of the zombie banking system of the United States of America, on deposit with you, for which you pay the zombie bankers their money good 25 basis points rate so they might sleep peacefully without the disturbance of nightmares of losing their zombie jobs of saying no no no no no no no a thousand times no to Americans that do, with all due respect to the too big to fail Wall Street bankers who view Main Street as a mass of unqualified and uneducated rabble, want to work and innovate and strive for a better life. Said average daily Excess Reserves were preliminarily quantified at $1.041 trillion for the two week reporting period ended January 26th, a 3.1% increase from just two weeks earlier! And it gets even worse, you just disclosed an even bigger surge for the two week reporting period just ended February 9th, with average daily Excess Reserves preliminarily quantified at $1.092 trillion, an additional 4.9% increase! What an outrage are your zombie banks with their zombie bankers performing their zombie banking! Your zombie banking system, Ben Shalom, is dead.

You don't have to be Adam Smith, Joseph Schumpeter, or Ludwig von Mises to know, Ben Shalom, that the United States of America is experiencing a supercritical capital formation crisis that is beginning to permanently impair the wealth creating engine of the American civilization. And that impairment must be fought! The money managers and hedge fund managers and their prime brokers neither can nor will create one job, save unwittingly or unintentionally, the Neurotic Markets Hypothesis explains this, Dr. Freud explains this, their most preferable holding period, Ben Shalom, the time it takes you to snap your fingers, is hardly sufficient for the building of a nanotechnology factory for a startup cleantech company in Cleveland or the equipping of a second laboratory for a biotech company in Boston or the shooting and editing of a horror movie in Miami or even the inventorying of a jalapeno and jack sandwich cart on the streets of San Antonio.

Wake Up

Ben Shalom Bernanke, wake up! Get your nose out of your econometric models and instruct your monetary policy wonks to do the same. Walk the streets of our cities and talk to the American people about their fears and their hopes and their dreams. Then grant us the entrepreneurs of America this humble loan and watch the real laws of economics go to work! Ben Shalom, this humble loan request is on your desk! To hell with the derisking of financial engineers not well meaning, it is not working, give dederisking a chance. Time to give up the zombie bankers and zombie financiers for dead and bet on America! Time to do your job, Ben Shalom, time to do your job! So what do you say to America? Yes or no? Yes or no? With respects to Shylock, three billion dollars 'tis not a good round sum, it is a crumb! So, yes or no, pray you answer, sir, will you lend to us or no?

Your lending decision, Ben Shalom, post it on Zero Hedge, or, alternatively, email us at vega [dot] strategies [at] ymail [dot]com and we will post it on Zero Hedge. À tout à l'heure!


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Michael's picture

"Shalom" is a Hebrew word meaning peace, completeness, and welfare and can be used idiomatically to mean both hello and goodbye. The Hebrew language is quite beautiful.

Here is some more food for thought for people who really don't like traffic tickets and has the balls to try this technique.

These videos have to do with the 7TH Amendment and Common Law.

Traffic Violations - Court Procedures - Part 1/2

Traffic Violations - Court Procedures - Part 2/2

Freeman Council Tax The Take Down Begins part 1.mp4

Freeman Council Tax The Take Down Begins part 2.mp4

You don't need to respond to my post as it is just for information purposes.


Hedge Jobs's picture

"The Hebrew language is quite beautiful"

It depends what your into Michael. If you think the sound of cats choking on hairballs is beautiful, then yes.

cbaba's picture

Michael ; So you are saying Shalom is a very nice guy ? Is that what you are trying to say ? This is a direct insult to the intelligence of person who spend time to write the subject letter. if you have anything to say for this Shalom business say it here, we don't want to here how nice he is for his family or friends, we are interested to know how shalom he is to the American people.

Bearster's picture

The writer of this article proposes to answer fascism with fascism.

Speaking as an entrepreneur, I oppose everything this letter writer wants.  I am not politically connected.  I never bothered with the SBA bureaucrats.  If you give free money to 5000 potential competitors of mine, that will be one more nail in my coffin.  You will be giving it to them, not based on merit, but based on political pull.  And you will get this money to fund my competitors by taxing me!

This is EXACTLY what is wrong with the current fascist system.  The solution is not to extend it to the 5000 most political startups.  The solution is to repeal it and go back to actual free markets!

chumbawamba's picture

Nailed it.

I am Chumbawamba.

Bubbles...bubbles everywhere's picture

I think in this context "shalom" means good bye, as in "FUCK OFF".


Note. I am not anti-semite and I don't care how much my jewish brothers like to lie when they conduct their daily business.

williambanzai7's picture

This kind of a lending program would require practical financial experience which none of those pencil necked PhDs have. They think shoveling money to a bunch of grifters is the most efficient means of allocating capital.

I guess it depends on how you define efficient and what you are allocating to... 

Jamie and Lloyd will argue that the current set up is almost as ponzificient as it gets. And they would be right!


WaterWings's picture

Jamie: We may need an "Act of God" to keep this shitshow running. 

Lloyd: Fortune shines upon us! "Force Manure" is my specialty. 

phil silver's picture

LOL They're criminals.

They are in the 'taking business', not the 'giving business'.

Incidently, I busy writing a song and need help with the words..

Living is easy with eyes closed, misunderstanding all you see.

OK I might have stole a word or two, Oops!!

lolmaster's picture

TD I invite you to read Einhorn's book on the SBA before endorsing one of the few ideas that makes dumping Chinooks full of benjis on Wall St look palatable.

Steroid's picture

This request just canonizes him as supreme Fuhrer. Don't justify his existence!

jeff montanye's picture

yes and no.  it has value as satire but it makes a point.  there is government spending and there is government spending.  

i realize many here are ideologically opposed to it per se but there are crucial differences.  some of it is productive, economically enhancing and some is not.  

was ike's federal highway program spending like the vietnam war's?  was the invention of the internet like the war in iraq?  is money spent on basic research like the war on drugs?  is even money spent on unemployment benefits like money spent employing someone to pick up trash on the roadside or build a windmill?  

most agree that only ww2 ended the great depression.  must it be another that ends this one?  

p.s. it wasn't burdensome regulations that caused this downturn as much as the absence of/lack of enforcement of reasonable regulations against financial practices proved pernicious by history.

zice's picture

Agreed.  Thinking beyond the swindle of $=>Primary Dealers, there is a vast opp. to invest in country wide projects. This money should be utilized to provide a means to:

  • Stabilize and eliminate unemployment. The disarray of infrastructure in urban and rural areas is vast. Repair bridges , clean up the rivers. Clean up the parks\Wetlands. etc. We need to be stewards of this great land not parasites.
  • Create permanent means of cheap healthy food. Remove GMO, heavily subsidize farmers and regulate them into growing a variety of foods not just soybeans and corn and wheat. Further regulate and tweek such that 40 and a mule = vast prosperity. Yeah..dismantle Monsanto.  5 years and we will have vast reduction in obesisty and the plague of diseases that are affecting us.

Two areas, off the top of my head, that this $ would be better spent than driving nflx and amzn up.

RmcAZ's picture

Yay, let's start up 7,000 new businesses that will only be profitable if Ben prints money for them.

Not sure how this got on ZH... you can do better than this TD.

How about we just stop printing money, repeal burdensome regulations and taxes that are driving productive business out of the country, and let the free markets figure themselves out?

JW n FL's picture

how much ammo and food do you have?

well if you got your dream come true you would need both +++...

food for thought.

JW n FL's picture

Logic to The Ben Bernak... is water to the witch in the Wizard of Oz...

Byte Me's picture


But how do you make Bennie Shlomoe read the e-mail that you have sent him?

(Best art for ages - It'd work too!!)

Red Neck Repugnicant's picture

Use "Free Potato Pancake Recipe" as the subject heading. 


Oh regional Indian's picture

You could just shorten that to "Free Latkas Enclosed".

Incidentally, Latka means Hanging in Hindi.



Byte Me's picture

"Your problems solved at a stroke" came to mind


"Our problems solved by you having a stroke"


"Your Mom's pork sausage recipe"

..and so forth..

gwar5's picture

Here's a must read: "Stiff the Fed" by David Bond, editor, Silver Miners.

Silver Miners


h/t GATA

JW n FL's picture

***** "We owe Canada $3.6 billion. Coming in at 14th is Hong Kong, at $138.9 billion. We owe the Cayman Islands' banking centers $146.3 billion. Twelfth is Brazil; we're into them for $184.4 billion. We owe OPEC $210.4 billion. We owe the insurance industry $261.8 billion. We owe domestic commercial banks and credit unions $269.8 billion, making theirs our 9th biggest I.O.U. The Brits and our own state and local governments are tied for 7th place at $511.8 billion each. We owe mutual funds $637.7 billion and pension funds $706.4 billion.

Are we beginning to see a pattern here? This thing is beginning to go logarithmic. We owe Japan $877.2 billion. China ranks a measly third: they've been shedding U.S. debt like crazy, converting it to stuff we used to do, like mineral and oil production, but they're still just a hair shy of a trillion, $895.6 billion to be precise.

The last two surprised us. Holders of U.S. Savings Bonds, and a category CNBC calls "other investors" rank No. 2, at $1.458 trillion.

And the Number One I.O.U.? Drum roll, please: it is our very own United Snakes Federal Reserve Bank, which has us on the hook for a staggering $5.351 trillion! That's right. We owe the Banksters in our own midst interest-bearing debt more than five times what we owe the Chinese we're always sniveling about." *****


gwar5's picture

"....This leaves us with the Federal Reserve Bank, this mysterious beast in our midst, to whom for no reason known to God we are paying interest. Our interest payments to this weird ghost will in a few years' time consume all of our "discretionary" federal budget, and we won't have paid down a farthing.

Why cannot this nation, like so many millions of U.S. homeowners, simply walk away from the mess this cabal of greedy Fed banksters created? Hand 'em back the keys, and keep our pledges to Canada, Brazil, China, Japan and our own savers at the same time. The interest saved by stiffing the Fed would retire our foreign debt in short order. Besides, it's time Timothy Geithner and Helicopter Benjamin Bernanke got real jobs - like maybe in a Chinese coal mine."  

-- Stiff the Fed, David Bond, editor, Silver Miners


JW n FL's picture

The FED...


The Lobby...


The Person(s) who took Lobby Monies...


The NSA for letting shit go, so they could grab a cushy high paying Private Sector Job...


All Guilty of TREASON!


I could add to the list, but this should get the bulk of my line of thinking across.

Ned Zeppelin's picture

An  Open Application to the Politburo for Funding for Ideas to Propel Forward the Glorious Future of Our Dear Republic.

atomicwasted's picture

Because the State will do a better job of picking small business winners than VCs?  Please.

Id fight Gandhi's picture

But that money is for asset inflation, not real jobs!

Bobbyrib's picture

The extension of the tax cuts were supposed to produce jobs too. Lots of good that did. Sadly, our country is stuck in a rut. Consumers won't spend to support business, because they are broke and businesses won't hire because consumers aren't spending. As a member of the middle class, I know small business owners won't hire or will hire temporary workers. A better solution is to just end QE 2.

maneco's picture

Ben bernanke works for his shareholders and they are the major international banking houses. Not sure he'd be interested in this scheme.

JW n FL's picture

***** "What an outrage are your zombie banks with their zombie bankers performing their zombie banking! Your zombie banking system, Ben Shalom, is dead." *****


But look at those Bonus Monies! Bitchez!!


"The bank bonus season, that annual rite of big money and bigger egos, begins in earnest this week, and it looks as if it will be one of the largest and most controversial blowouts the industry has ever seen, The New York Times’s Louise Story and Eric Dash report."


Ben is doing Gods Work... relax, get a latte'. it soon will be all over! how much can it hurt? really???

PeaBird's picture

Vega Strategies expects government to get into the venture capital business and succeed? Please...get real. This is wishful thinking surely.

Bobbyrib's picture

Well at least venture capitalists buy companies then never lay off a single employee. It's not like it wouldn't make unemployment rise or anything. (sarcasm)

topcallingtroll's picture

It would just add another government program to be administered by bureaucrats and gamed by the participants.

Helicopter money is more fair.  It only discriminates against the disabled!

Sathington Willougby's picture

Or, just toss a couple billion to a junkie or crackhead on your way from the limo to the elevator.  You couldn't do worse than you've already done.

Withdrawn Sanction's picture

Wow.  Entrepreneurs supplicating for crumbs from the oligarchy.  Land of the free and the home of the brave indeed.

Is this a serious article/proposal?   If it is, I'll assume the proposers are simply ignorant of the implications of their request to be delivered into the hands of fascism.  What's more, they're even helping to put the noose around their necks.

And if they're not ignorant, then they're so malignant as to defy categorization.  Either way, what a disgrace.

Forgiven's picture

The money once available through VCs and Private Equity has virtually dried up.  You obviously haven't tried to raise a round in this environment.  So shut the hell up.

anarchitect's picture

Maybe there's a reason the money has dried up. You seem to think there is an inherent right to another round. So let's take it from the taxpayers if necessary. You're the one who should shut up.

Forgiven's picture

I never said there was an inherent right to another round.  I reiterated the fact that few VCs have dry powder left for businesses that, only a few years ago, were a lock for the next round.

BTW, the taking from the taxpayer has already happened and the hole they're trying to plug isn't going away.  My point is, what's a better use of the taking? Feed the zombie banks and their band of crooks?  Or actually invest it in opportunities that might actually provide something called a RETURN?

Since you obviously don't know anything about the creation of value, you may return to your couch and have another beer.

BennyBoy's picture

You idiot!

The program's purpose is to bail out the owners of the FED.

The TBTF banks. AKA Primary dealers.

Although about a third of them are there to only increase the number, they have no say at all.

I mean, Jefferies & Co. What a joke!

Catullus's picture

You do actually need to read Mises, Schumpeter, Hayek, or Rothbard to understand that if the Fed took them up on this offer, they would just create more bubbles in different sectors. The general response tends to be "yeah, but it'll create jobs" and you can walk down that long path created by Dr. Krugman.

Forgiven's picture

Cash from 30 year Treasuries being invested in America's entrepreneurs sounds more appealing than bailouts for zombie banks, failed motors, or Wall St bonuses.  The paper money will be at risk either way.  Some of these businesses could be the next Apple.

lesterbegood's picture

"With respects to Shylock, three billion dollars 'tis not a good round sum, it is a crumb! So, yes or no, pray you answer, sir, will you lend to us or no?"

Federal Reserve Notes, in actuality non-consentual promissary notes mis-labeled as dollars are, in my opinion, are not worth the smallest crumb from the most frugal of tables.

The de facto UNITED STATES CORPORATION, and its corporate subsidiaries is failing and falling.

Unplug from the corporate matrix, and join a free American people?


anarchitect's picture

A good demonstration of why all bailouts and subsidies need to end. Those who think they're not getting their fair share lobby for it, increasing the extent of the theft and misallocation and growing the political sector at the expense of the economic sector.

ArkansasAngie's picture

Investors need to stop giving their money to Wall Street and start raising local capital for local projects.  I'm a tiny angel VC.  There are ideas out there.  They don't need a bank loan.  They need capital.  I create jobs every month because I insist on GAAP and cash flow profitability not flip this business excel sheets in the sky.

ArkansasAngie's picture

BTW:  It takes Ben between $300,000 and $600,000 to create 1 job.

Give me that money and I'll create 5 to 10 jobs that will actually be there next year.

A pet peeve -- it costs less money to send stuff from China to Fayetteville, Arkansas than it costs to ship stuff from Fayetteville to Jonesboro.

Business model change time.

Bubbles...bubbles everywhere's picture

This proposal has a lot of merit. Even 1/10 of what you propose can go a long way in starting a small business. Big corporations should jump on this bandwagon too as it could be a good way for them to acquire future talent and new products. 

I Am The Unknown Comic's picture

Ben's Reply:  "You'll get nothing and like it!"