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Wall Street Slogans For The Centrally-Planned Generation

Tyler Durden's picture




 

And now for something different. From Omid Malekan, the brains behind "the Bernank", and the xtranormal short clip cottage industry, comes this clip of proposed replacement sayings for that old adage of "Sell in May and go away." Alas, since the market is no longer, free, rational, or for lack of a better word, a market, but merely a plaything of the central banks, it is indeed time to provide a new set of slogans, especially since "BTFD" is getting a little stale. Among our favorite proposals: "Buy today's cause it's early May", "Buy tomorrow with funds you borrow", "Buy next week when the market is at a peak", "Buy like crazy when the outlook is crazy", "Buy all commodities without hesitation, but don't dare we have inflation", "Buy the REITs cause real estate is on fire, but don't you dare become an actual home buyer", and, without doubt the best: "Buy everything and laugh all the way to the bank, cause if any market ever goes down, you can sell to the Bernank." As usual, readers are encouraged to provide their own.

 

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Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:21 | 1236031 CitizenPete
CitizenPete's picture

Yeah baby!

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:21 | 1236040 anynonmous
anynonmous's picture

clever

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:26 | 1236046 CitizenPete
CitizenPete's picture

BTFAgD  P-h-y-s-i-c-a-l Bitches

 

In honor of burial of frozen cartoon bodies at sea:  


The new iMac has arrived.!  

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:25 | 1236126 anynonmous
anynonmous's picture

OT

New interview on Bin Lad with Leon Panetta

worth the read e.g.

 

 one final time, enhanced interrogation techniques -- which has always been kind of a handy euphemism in these post-9/11 years -- that includes water boarding?

LEON PANETTA: That's correct

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 07:55 | 1237375 Chuck Walla
Chuck Walla's picture

How did they tear him away from CNN?

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 00:30 | 1237033 j.darkness
j.darkness's picture

japan will relieve

the bernanke of his qe

counterstrike in 3...

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:48 | 1236147 Silver Pullet
Silver Pullet's picture

Paper silver is what you wunt, you can pull all you like out of Blythe Masters

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:54 | 1236489 Bananamerican
Bananamerican's picture

"Imagine an ES buying algo boot stamping on a human face...in May....forever"

it's catchy, doncha think?

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:38 | 1236484 Tail Dogging The Wag
Tail Dogging The Wag's picture

 

Sell to the Bernank! lol

Sorry for the spam folks, here it is:

Do you own farmland and real estate outside of your home country?

In times of change you need new alternatives and new ideas.

Land in Panama is one of the most undervalued assets in 2011.

PROTECT YOUR CAPITAL. INVEST. SAVE. OWN. LAND.

http://www.thorssoncapital.com/land-portfolio.html

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:25 | 1236055 Raynja
Raynja's picture

sell your silver cause the comex can't deliver

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:32 | 1236071 Raynja
Raynja's picture

29% stop loss on a flash crash so we can take your cash

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:49 | 1236150 rocker
rocker's picture

He could have said it is different now.   The New Trading Market:   It didn't count.

"Flash Crash, No Problem, Flash Trash".    The Trade.    Seems everyday now.

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 10:18 | 1237910 Saint Tibb
Saint Tibb's picture

But we're all right now, cause we got your cash.
But we're all right.  Stop loss flash crash, take your cash, cash, cash.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:27 | 1236063 kengland
kengland's picture

Get them riches for we all are bitchez

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:27 | 1236064 Alcoholic Nativ...
Alcoholic Native American's picture

"The rich get richer in their sleep"

 

The rat race is fucked. How's that?

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:36 | 1236088 Ratscam
Ratscam's picture

its a scam not a race

if you get it you,ll ace

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:30 | 1236065 scratch_and_sniff
scratch_and_sniff's picture

Buy new pants as Blythe does a merry dance.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:28 | 1236068 Nihilarian
Nihilarian's picture

Buy right now, until we hit 36,000 on the Dow.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:25 | 1236069 Votewithabullet
Votewithabullet's picture

These slogans are cheesy, can I put my dick in yer ass pleezy, I mean weezy. Crank the margin up to 100% so hymey can pay his rent.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:32 | 1236073 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

Don't be an inside trader because that path is well worn and the SEC might finally look at something other than tranny porn.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:33 | 1236074 Race Car Driver
Race Car Driver's picture

"Eat, drink and consume using worth-less fiat - for tomorrow it may be dead."

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:33 | 1236075 scratch_and_sniff
scratch_and_sniff's picture

Be a gentleman and a scholar, dont kill the dollar. (someone stop me now, i could go at this shit all night)

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:40 | 1236103 Ratscam
Ratscam's picture

please dont. i,m in the mood

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:31 | 1236077 Cleanclog
Cleanclog's picture

BARF - Buy Again Real Fast!

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:34 | 1236081 Bubbles...bubbl...
Bubbles...bubbles everywhere's picture

Ask for more QE because is good for ye.

 

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:35 | 1236084 Verum
Verum's picture

Buy the SP00s and make bernanke spluge

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:34 | 1236092 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

If your food is too expensive and your house prices decline,

Just go suck dick in the park, it's a victimless crime

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:02 | 1236368 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

Winner!  And they take silver!!

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:35 | 1236095 market le pew
market le pew's picture

Did you hear all the noise on CNBC today? Steve Liesman is for the Bernank what Goebbels used to be for Hitler: Propaganda Minister.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:37 | 1236102 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

Rhyme fail

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:43 | 1236112 scratch_and_sniff
scratch_and_sniff's picture

Re-phrase that for fuck sake get with the programme-

Did you hear all the noise on CNBC?

Steve Liesman is for the Bernanke

what Goebbels used to be

for Hitler; Propaganda Minister in the propaganda ministry.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:06 | 1236211 strannick
strannick's picture

Hitler also said 'Gold in the hands of the public is an enemy of the state'

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:09 | 1236373 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

The public owning gold we should never see.

Let's give the goldbugs a taste of Zyklon B

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:10 | 1236380 Votewithabullet
Votewithabullet's picture

Oh fuk is he quoting Hitler? 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:38 | 1236104 Live_Free
Live_Free's picture

Don't fret, monetize the debt.

Hyperinflation to save the nation!

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:42 | 1236110 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

If oil is what we need, then let's bomb the middle east

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:42 | 1236124 firefighter302
firefighter302's picture

The value of our dollar sank, as the result of a federal bank.

We underwent a financial deluge, predicated by a bald headed banker stooge.

The result is our dollar value settles, unless, you've protected yourself with metals.

So stand firm and wait your reward for not selling and falling on your sword.

(So Lame...lol)

Firefighter302

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:42 | 1236125 Harry Paratestes
Harry Paratestes's picture

He who sells what isnt hizn, Buys it back or goes to prison

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:04 | 1236204 strannick
strannick's picture

When JP Morgue has the CFTC in it's pocket, it can tell Comex silver longs to sucket

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:43 | 1236129 Calculated_Risk
Calculated_Risk's picture

I still like BTFD...

 

"Bernank Tard Fucking the Dollar!"

"Bury The Fucking Dollar"

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:43 | 1236130 augie
augie's picture

paper is all fake

central banks deserve the blade

i buy physical

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:44 | 1236131 anti Oligarchy
anti Oligarchy's picture

Buy like there is no tomorrow
For this market has no sorrow
Even if there is a blip
Just buy the f'in dip

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:48 | 1236148 arnoldsimage
arnoldsimage's picture

live today as if jesus is coming tonight.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:10 | 1236233 Brindle702
Brindle702's picture

Jesus is coming! (Look busy.)

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:31 | 1236463 Holodomor2012
Holodomor2012's picture

So said the chosen, then the table went flip.

And they lost their god, money, and felt our gods whip.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:52 | 1236152 Hedgetard55
Hedgetard55's picture

"Obama likes the old white dudes to suck his flavor,

But Lord knows he will NOT return the favor"

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:53 | 1236159 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Since all of my financial chickens

have come home to roost

My only option is to double-tap myself

in the noggin.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:57 | 1236173 Natasha
Natasha's picture

You don't need a big schlong, to buy hard and go long.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:38 | 1236481 augie
augie's picture

thats what she said.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 18:59 | 1236181 lynnybee
lynnybee's picture

Buy food 'cause you're gonna need it !

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:47 | 1236503 takinthehighway
takinthehighway's picture

BTFD - Buy The Food, Dude!

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:00 | 1236189 Life of Illusion
Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:01 | 1236193 strannick
strannick's picture

"Buy everything and laugh all the way to the bank, cause if any market ever goes down, you can sell to the Bernank."

hahaha. HAHAHA. Awesome!

When Crammer says buy buy buy, kiss your cash bye bye.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:04 | 1236207 lsbumblebee
lsbumblebee's picture

Buy like Cramer before he gets any lamer?

 

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 21:06 | 1236544 Hephasteus
Hephasteus's picture

LOL

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:06 | 1236210 Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

Cancel your stops because their causing drops.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:04 | 1236213 Troublehoff
Troublehoff's picture

Don't be fooled by the Silver gloom.

This is Mises' Crack Up Boom.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:05 | 1236218 Stuck on Zero
Stuck on Zero's picture

Be a Brick.  Invest in a BRIC.

Support labor.  Buy Chinese.

Support diversity.  Buy gold and silver.

Your investment today means bonuses on Wall Street tomorrow.

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:08 | 1236219 Catullus
Catullus's picture

You can't be long and wrong when you bang the close to bang those hoes.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:08 | 1236223 Goliath
Goliath's picture

Convert your precious metals to fiat, so you can live out of the trunk of your fiat.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:11 | 1236228 strannick
strannick's picture

Drinkin near beer reading these rhymes, helps me forget my silver juniors are trading for dimes.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:08 | 1236229 Bubbles...bubbl...
Bubbles...bubbles everywhere's picture

Don't be a hater and buy that silver paper.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:11 | 1236236 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Don't be a dumbshit, even Gary Busey is buying physical silver.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:18 | 1236239 Natasha
Natasha's picture

Markets by Oz

Can't beat the odds.

----------

With the Bernank running it all

The markets wouldn't dare fall.

----------

Wanna be hip?

Buy the effing dip.

 

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:17 | 1236242 Brindle702
Brindle702's picture

Spinning the truth will do no harm.

As useful as a snooze button on a smoke alarm.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:15 | 1236244 Dolemite
Dolemite's picture

Dolemite is my name, and fuckin up these banksta stock pumpin mutha fuckas is ma game

 

Push it hard into the close, squeeze those stops like tits on my hoes

Go long phyz, ay yo fuck yo paper

Give That rat soup eatin muthafuckin Geeethner ya cheeda that fool will straight rape ya

Crush the dollar, but please buy U S

Dolemite is out, junk away bit chez (please dont... I'm fragile)

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:15 | 1236400 Bicycle Repairman
Bicycle Repairman's picture

Yeah, Rudy Ray.

"The Bernank is a tough piece of leather

That's well put together.

And he'll be g*ddamned if he can't print in any kind of weather."

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:15 | 1236245 High Plains Drifter
High Plains Drifter's picture

leo stated
there's no way this country will default
money's inflated
no thanks leo, gold is in my vault.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:02 | 1236362 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

That throbbing cock in Leo's mouth says the market won't go south.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:16 | 1236246 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

I see dead people.  I see dead FRNs.

Buy the fucking dip, you dip.

You buy dip, I buy dip, we buy dip.

Work your hips, like you are working to buy the dips.

Gentle Ben, the nice bear.

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:18 | 1236251 bob_dabolina
bob_dabolina's picture

buy some spoos and you'll never lose

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:21 | 1236252 Bubbles...bubbl...
Bubbles...bubbles everywhere's picture

The best way to bang da'hoe

is to go long on the chinese IPO

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:22 | 1236256 bob_dabolina
bob_dabolina's picture

be hung and buy some ung

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:22 | 1236264 catch edge ghost
catch edge ghost's picture

Pile on more layers and I'll be joining you there.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:25 | 1236274 TraderTimm
TraderTimm's picture

Oh inedible metals, how brightly you shine

For when it all ends, with you I'll dine

---

Give thanks to "THE BERNANK", the bearded arrogate

Such utter destruction, in the name of "mandate"

 

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:32 | 1236282 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

"So please tell me again why I'm the only mother fucker doing time" -Bernie Madoff

(SPTMAWITOMFDT)

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:34 | 1236293 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

gold is in a bubble, silver too

instead buy aapl and nflx, those will do

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:40 | 1236301 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

just buy, don't ask why.

 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:46 | 1236321 Hard1
Hard1's picture

If Asia is down before I wake

I pray to Ben: "new dollars make"

..and if US tanks before I sleep

I pray to Ben: "new dollars print"

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:27 | 1236450 Dr. Richard Head
Dr. Richard Head's picture

printing bernanke fiat

everyone will  buy it

fiat, fiat

prices wont go down

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 08:04 | 1237386 GoingLoonie
GoingLoonie's picture

Last line should be:

I pray to Ben, "my dollars not to keep."

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:49 | 1236333 As Seen On TV
As Seen On TV's picture

Feeling fat?  There's no need to hollar,

Just wrap yourself with the US dollar.

 

Or, feeling too slim?  Well my friend, don't fret,

Engorge yourself with expanding US debt.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 19:58 | 1236352 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

Trust Tim and Benny's central plan, and they'll leave some blood in your strawman.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:00 | 1236357 Dr. Impossible
Dr. Impossible's picture

"..RUN FOR YOUR LIVES.....because no one else can."

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:04 | 1236367 NoClueSneaker
NoClueSneaker's picture

The best move now seems to me is shorting Feds and ECB.

No hi tec needed for those guys - gullotine still works  nice ....

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:12 | 1236389 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

"As through this world you travel, you'll meet some funny men. Some will rob you with a six-gun, and some with a fountain pen."

"As through your life you travel, yes and through your life you roam, you will never see an outlaw drive a family from their home"

Pretty Boy Floyd, bitchez

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:14 | 1236397 Meatier Shower
Meatier Shower's picture

FIAT, it's what's for dinner.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:44 | 1236492 Cursive
Cursive's picture

"Just fucking buy."

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:49 | 1236500 gwar5
gwar5's picture

Don't fight the Bernank.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:50 | 1236507 TooBearish
TooBearish's picture

Ty please start a ZH old school thread on how the fuk did turbo tax timmeh G go from MAD on the debt limit to alla sudden saying tax receipts so fukking good we can git thru till August?

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 20:56 | 1236519 gwar5
gwar5's picture

If the printing press is a rockin', don't come a knockin'

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 21:22 | 1236564 Tail Dogging The Wag
Tail Dogging The Wag's picture

This one reminds me of Stevie Ray Vaughan!

No, not the TAXMAN, but HOUSE IS A ROCKIN'

Silver and Gold, my pride and joy

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 21:08 | 1236532 blunderdog
blunderdog's picture

Forget the quips, just buy the dips.
It's only funny, 'cause it's not your money.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:30 | 1236742 Kid Neutron
Kid Neutron's picture

+ 1 Monopoly $

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 21:21 | 1236568 John Law Lives
John Law Lives's picture

How about a quatrain... a la Nostradamus:

 

The Chairsatan hatches a sinister plan.

A mighty crash cometh by his wicked hand.

Wall Street looks toward its reliable whore.

Where a dollar shall be a dollar no more...

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:31 | 1236746 Kid Neutron
Kid Neutron's picture

"Where a dollar shall be 13¢ no more"

FTFY

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 00:50 | 1237077 John Law Lives
John Law Lives's picture

John Law's quatrain was perfect as it was written.

TYFT

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 21:33 | 1236591 GOSPLAN HERO
GOSPLAN HERO's picture

I just bought Canadian silver dollars (1935 to 1967 era) on APMEX for 79 cents above spot.  Each coin is 80% silver and contain over a half ounce of silver.

Silver Eagles, Libertads and Maple Leafs are getting scarce.  Buy demonetized U.S., Canadian, Mexican, and Australian silver coins instead.

Above all, BTFD!!!

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:09 | 1236687 gwar5
gwar5's picture

Good one.

Special on junk silver at spot the silver content at onlygold.com on the specials page running right now and they (always) pay shipping and insurance. Always good people too.

They're (finally) having a hard time getting silver eagles, maples and rounds. 

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 21:35 | 1236596 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Is that a smallpox infested blanket in your pocket or just QE3?

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:17 | 1236707 scratch_and_sniff
scratch_and_sniff's picture

...this is definitely one of the weirder threads.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:54 | 1236809 gall batter
gall batter's picture

 

since this is already a weird thread, i'll add this article just sent by a friend:

Is sex good for your health—or is that just a fantasy?

A flurry of small studies suggest that sex is as good for your health as vitamin D and broccoli. It not only relieves stress, improves sleep and burns calories, it can also reduce pain, ease depression, strengthen blood vessels, boost the immune system and lower the risk of prostate and breast cancer.


More research is needed to evaluate all these claims. "If I told you we have randomized double-blind placebo-controlled multi-center trials on these questions, there is no such a thing," says Irwin Goldstein, a urologist and editor in chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The biggest obstacle is lack of funding, he says. "If 'sex' is in your grant proposal, it's very hard to get it approved."But many of those studies rely on people to remember and report their sexual activity honestly and many can't distinguish between cause and effect. That is, does sex make people healthier or do healthier people have more sex?

Still, a look at what researchers do know about the physiology of sex shows that at least a few health benefits may come along with that roll in the hay.

Some benefits of sex—beyond producing a baby, that is—are obvious even without scientific evidence. "When you have good sex, there's a relaxation response and a satiation response…you lie there and life is great," says Dr. Goldstein, who is also the director of sexual medicine at Alvarado Hospital in San Diego, Calif.

Much of that is due to chemistry—the rush of hormones and neurotransmitters that rise and fall during sexual activity. Arousal boosts dopamine, which activates the brain's centers of craving and reward "just like chocolate and winning at gambling," says Erick Janssen, a senior scientist at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University.

Sex also increases oxytocin, known as the "cuddle hormone," which promotes bonding, reduces fear and stimulates endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, which is why sex can bring temporary relief from back pain, migraines and other body aches.

Dopamine levels plummet after orgasm, and levels of prolactin rise, bringing on feelings of satisfaction and sleepiness, particularly in men. "That's the nice, relaxed feeling afterwards," says Stuart Brody, a psychologist at the University of the West of Scotland who has conducted numerous studies on sex and health. Of course, timing isn't always perfect. In a 2006 survey of 10,000 British men, 48% admitted to having fallen asleep during sex.

All together, this chemical cascade has a lasting effect that helps people handle stress, which Dr. Brody showed in a study in the journal Biological Psychology in 2005. He had 24 women and 22 men keep diaries of their sexual activities for two weeks, then took their blood pressure while they were told to give an impromptu speech to a hostile audience and do rapid math calculations in their heads. Those who had had traditional sexual intercourse during the fortnight had smaller blood pressure spikes and recovered more quickly than those who engaged in other forms of sex or none at all.

Sex is also touted as good exercise—but the effect is actually modest. Although couples obviously differ, sex generally burns an estimated five calories per minute, or roughly 50 to 150 calories total. Calculated another way, orgasm uses 3 to 4 METs (metabolic equivalent tasks, a measure of physical intensity)—the equivalent of light housekeeping.

Sex does increase heart rate and blood pressure—as high as 125 beats per minute and to 160 peak systolic rate—about as much as walking up a flight or two of stairs. And several studies suggest that having it regularly can protect against cardiovascular problems. One British study found that men who reported having three or more orgasms per week experienced 50% fewer heart attacks than those who engaged less frequently—perhaps because orgasm triggers the release of the hormone DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone), which helps with circulation and arterial dilation.

On the other hand, erectile dysfunction can be an early indicator of cardiovascular problems—and when drugs such as Viagra first came on the market, some cardiologists feared sex could be dangerous to men with underlying heart problems. In general, such fears have proven unfounded. Cases of sudden death during sex are actually very rare, according to studies in Germany, Japan and Korea. But they are more likely to occur during extramarital sex.

Frequent sex may benefit men's health another way: by boosting testosterone, which in turn is linked to stronger muscles, more energy and better cognition. (Sex's effect on testosterone was shown in a now-famous article in Nature in 1970. A man stranded on a remote island with no women saw his beard stop growing. Then it resumed when he returned to civilization and sex again.)

Sex also improves women's moods—although how it does is controversial. One 2002 study of 293 college women at the State University of New York in Albany found that those who engaged in unprotected sex were less likely to be depressed than those whose partners use condoms or who don't have sex at all. The researchers noted that semen contains testosterone, estrogen, prolactin and prostaglandins, which can pass through vaginal walls into the bloodstream and elevate mood. But safe-sex groups add that the unintended results of unprotected sex—pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases—can put quite a damper on mood.

Some of the most intriguing findings suggest that frequent sex can lower the risk of some types of cancer. A 2004 study of 29,000 male health professionals in the Journal of the American Medical Association found that those who reported having the most frequent ejaculations—21 or more a month—had a much lower risk of prostate cancer than those reporting four to seven per month.

"Emptying the tank every once in awhile is probably good for the prostate," Dr. Goldstein says. Still, the authors noted that the data "may have contained some inaccuracy" since it asked men, some in their 80s, to recall how often they ejaculated each month four decades earlier.

Several studies also suggest that having sex extends life in general. A study in the British Medical Journal found that men who had sex less than once per month were twice as likely to die in the next 10 years than those who had sex once per week. A 25-year study of 270 men and women aged 60 to 96 conducted at Duke University found that the more men had sex, the longer they lived. Women who said they enjoyed their sex lives lived seven to eight years longer than those who were indifferent. But factors such as intelligence, health and activities also played a role in living longer, too.Similarly, a 1989 study in France found that women who had sex infrequently or not at all had three times the risk of breast cancer compared to those who had sex more frequently—but the possible biological mechanism is less clear.

So should people ramp up their sexual activity to be healthier?

Not necessarily. "The 'more is better' prescription is too simplistic," says the Kinsey Institute's Dr. Janssen. "What we've learned from all our years of research is that what's important is the satisfaction and the meaning we attach to sex." In short, "if you're having sex in a frequency and in a way that is compatible with who you are, then that's healthy."

 

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 01:23 | 1237118 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

Well structured. Send me some <numbers>

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 01:39 | 1237132 scratch_and_sniff
scratch_and_sniff's picture

...all you had to do was ask sweetheart. Im flattered, but completely Asexual; i masturbate occasionally to ward of the spirits, but all my drive goes into gambling and taking risk so i couldn’t work out whether i was unhealthy due to lack of sex, or due to excess cortisol. Either way, im going to die young...poor mating choice.

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:26 | 1236735 Kid Neutron
Kid Neutron's picture

Buy the crazy - cause tomorrow is just daisy. ™

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 22:59 | 1236816 faithfulwatchman
faithfulwatchman's picture

GTIMS = Got to increase my stacks

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 23:07 | 1236839 OldPhart
OldPhart's picture

There once was a Fed Chief, Bernanke

Who caused the dollar to tank

Sold our soul to the dole

Now serfdom's our role

And more money went to the bank

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 23:19 | 1236866 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Buy Polar

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 01:28 | 1237121 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

SPY polar? James Bond (hedges(on Sundays)?

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 23:38 | 1236937 PulauHantu29
PulauHantu29's picture

"I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today."

Tue, 05/03/2011 - 23:46 | 1236965 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

I love the Bull, and the Bear! I nominate the little guy. His initials are (P.M.) He comes in many names.    SOOO, willing! With nothing to Gain.

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 00:34 | 1237041 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

Armageddon rich in this market!


Buy now before you're locked out of the bunker!!

 

Enough with the fucking dip.  Somebody buy some nachos.

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 02:08 | 1237160 AgShaman
AgShaman's picture

To martyr yourself to caution

Is not going to help at all

Because ther'll be no safety in numbers

When your portfolio drops clear thru the floor

 

(Thanks Pink Floyd....I was at a "Lost For Words")

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 02:36 | 1237178 10kby2k
10kby2k's picture

send liesman south

w/ ben's cock in his mouth

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 02:43 | 1237179 pops
pops's picture

Burma Shave!

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 04:28 | 1237230 falak pema
falak pema's picture

There is a better way to pop than to just blop inside a woman's flop. Open a bottle of bubbly pour it on her navel and watch the groovy feeling flow into her inner soul like cold nirvana. Now charge in like a greek from the trojan horse of free fantasy or glide in like the snake of monty python, its your own choice of chivalrous venture. Santé!

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 06:19 | 1237276 Freewheelin Franklin
Freewheelin Franklin's picture

BTFD?

Nah, JFBE (Just Fucking Buy Everything).

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 08:18 | 1237437 Vincent Vega
Vincent Vega's picture

Physical gold and silver cause everything else is just confetti.

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 10:12 | 1237855 I Am The Unknow...
I Am The Unknown Comic's picture

How about "a penny saved is a penny lost"

or "a bird in the hand is worthless" 

or "if everybody painted their butts red and bought SPY you should too"

Wed, 05/04/2011 - 14:25 | 1239473 MachoMan
MachoMan's picture

If your brains are hanging out, and you're too ugly to see,

then there's no doubt, you'll be dumped into the sea.

Do NOT follow this link or you will be banned from the site!