"Why The World Is Better Than You Think"

Tyler Durden's picture

For all zombied Goldman clients who are still not sick of guaranteeding the firm profitable trading days 63 out of 63 days each quarter, this is the conference call for you. And yes, this is real.

We can't wait for the next call in the sequence: "Why Goldman Is Much Less Of A Criminal Than You Think"

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Recovery3000's picture

My dealer never makes me fill out a form.

akak's picture

But how does one sign this contract with one's own blood, when it can only be completed online?

Or has GS now invented "paper blood" too?


(I wonder, can I pay them with a "paper firstborn" as well?)

Alienated Serf's picture

e-blood to buy an ipad.  or maxi pad

chet's picture

"Thank you for joining us.  The first thing we need to do on this conference call is to clarify the title.  It was supposed to read:

'Why OUR world is better than you think'

Sorry about that."

The Alarmist's picture

No, no, no.  The presumption is that everything that is is already theirs.  Back to work, slave!


J.B. Books's picture

Tyler - how is Marla?

Cheeky Bastard's picture

The rainbow tastes like puppy dogs.

See Goldman Sachs, I, too, can say totally random things that make no sense.

malusDiaz's picture

I've got Tulips for sale!

Along with Good Feelings and Sunsets!


One metric fuck ton for anything you happen to have.


I'll give you two of them for a Clear Crystal Ball!

Selah's picture

Tulips... Bitches!!!


Alienated Serf's picture

all the above replies to cheeky are actual titles to Thomas Friedman articles.

moneymutt's picture

Its like Goldman Sacs has change their logo to a pic of Jim Cramer...Cramer Sacs...nice branding guys...

Common_Cents22's picture

Doing God's work makes the world a better place, for partners.


Why would any customer do any business w/ GS is beyond me.  JPM for that matter.


63 for 63 is approaching Madoff numbers but not quite.  Madoff was 63 wins for 0 at bats.

akak's picture

You know, GS may be doing "God's work" as they claim --- but they never told us just WHICH god it is whose work they are doing!

I am guessing Shiva.

Lower Class Elite's picture

More like Kali Ma.  That bitch is kuh-RAZY!

abc123's picture

because it's sexy to be eaten by THE vampire... 

PunkSgt's picture

How do I sign up?

Cheeky Bastard's picture

creat fictional e-mail adress

GS contact: David Viniar 

Company: some-bucket-shop-from-Missouri


ReallySparky's picture

Hey there Cheeky, don't pick on us hard headed, show-me state mules. 

ZeroPower's picture

Youre kidding right? (Almost) no Main Streeters allowed.

Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Where do you keep the drugs, Goldman?

Fazzie's picture

 I cant say where they keep the stash now, I can only hope that soon, they will have to keester them into a club Fed facility after multiple convictions based on evidence uncovered by the SEC and a vigorous prosecution with no deals by a US attorney.

  (sarcasm off) Its a shame when a situation like that lives only in fantasy, when it would merely the result of our govt officials just doing their sworn duty and haeven forbid, actually earn a paycheck.

johngaltfla's picture

All we need now is Lord Blankfein to fly in on a purple unicorn pooping Skittles and the "trip" would be complete.

knukles's picture

Daddy, what color does he poop?

Privatus's picture

All the colors of the rainbow, son. All the colors of the rainbow.

knukles's picture

Why does Lord Blankfiend always have that funny smile, Daddy?  He must be very happy.
Daddy, maybe some day can I poop rainbows  over everybody too? 

The Alarmist's picture

One might assume that Lord Blankfein was showing a little humility when he uttered that the Squid was doing God's work. The presumption is that the Squid are God's servants, but there are a couple of possibilities to be considered:

God is actually now the servant to the Squid (no doubt after a Squid arranged leveraged financing of Heaven to unlock the intrinsic value of the Pearly Gates), but the Squid is doing his work for some reason or another (Perhaps they think they can do it better?).

It could also be that the Squid is the earthly embodiment of Satan, who after all is by the dint of his station as the antithesis of God thereby also doing God's work.

In any event, the presumption is that the world ... nay, the Universe, belongs to the Squid, and that is why it is better than you might think.


Problem Is's picture

"Lord Blankfein was showing a little humility when he uttered that the Squid was doing God's work."

But God Got Even
As Lloyd B. God whined that statement out in a nasally, midget-y, Morey Amsterdam voice that annoys the ear like a mosquito whine...

How can you take a guy seriously as a "Titan of Industry" when he sounds like a 5 foot vaudevillian carnival freak show  barker hawking the 3 Card Monte stand?

hbjork1's picture

Problem is:

You got it.  I have wasted enough time listening to his testimony before Congress.  

What could he possibly say that I would possibly believe.  I have other ways to use my precious time, like have a nightcap and go to bed. 

He demonstrates who he is by his works.  IMO, if this is actually going to be Blankfein, he is runnig scared.

Alienated Serf's picture

Lloyd's nasally voice is proof that GS is a meritocracy of thieves.  There is no way someone who sounds like kermit the frog on helium gets CEO unless he can rake in the bux.

Gordon_Gekko's picture

Meanwhile EUR slips down to 1.2624.

Agent P's picture

I like how you selected Greece from the dropdown before grabbing the screenshot...nice touch!

Zombie Investor's picture

"profitable trading days 63 out of 63 days each quarter"

What I'd like to know is if GS/JPM made money last Thursday?

hambone's picture

LMFAO - even while gold goes straight up against the dollar moving parabollic against euro, someone didn't seem to notice that our money is being turned into 2nd rate dogsh#t (no, really, there is 1st rate dogsh#t if you feed your dog the good stuff...but I digress). 

Folks, if this is a ball game what inning are we in and how do you win???

The Alarmist's picture

Bottom of the ninth, with two outs and two strikes.  You win by walking away and not playing.


ratava's picture

speaking in ball game terms, we are playing the banana league and banksters got a picture of refs kids in their wallet

hedgeless_horseman's picture

It's more like Star Wars, and we are somewhere late in the Phantom Menace episode.

The world is better than you think, until you run out of Mr. Pibb and popcorn.

hidingfromhelis's picture

Now this is what first rate dogsh#t is:

Pedro: Man, what is in this shit, man?
Man Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.
Pedro: What's Labrador?
Man Stoner: It's dog shit.
Pedro: What?
Man Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.
Pedro: Yeah?
Man Stoner: I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?
Pedro: You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man?
Man Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?
[Song, "Rockin' Robin" plays... ]
Man Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?
Pedro: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

akak's picture

"Why the world is better than you think."

To which world are they referring?

Has Goldman Sucks now extended their grip to the inhabitants of other planets too?

knukles's picture


Supposed to be
"My" World is better than you think.

Trial of the Pyx's picture



you just may be getting a little too close to the truth

hidingfromhelis's picture

Resistance is futile; we will assimilate you(r wealth.)

ratava's picture

europeans just do not consume enough Valium to make it in the new normal

Wannabee's picture

More Prozac please....

knukles's picture

Does it really get better if we register more than once?


Quit making the captcha questions so hard.  No one from the ECB can login.  Jeeeesh!

Problem Is's picture

"No one from the ECB can login."

Sure they can... the answers are all negative numbers... The ECB knows negative...

I asked Tyler earlier if Marla was running the CAPTCHA servers now because the answers work for once... and I keep getting 69 and -69...

Bolweevil's picture

"Did you see the size of that chicken!?"

DavosSherman's picture

Doing God's work, just like the Bishops who molested innocent kids. F*cking morons. There are no devils in hell - they are all here.

nope-1004's picture

This reminds of the realtards blowing smoke up everyone's ass prior to the crash, issuing statements like "why your house will never go down in value".



moneymutt's picture

I remember seeing a bill board in 2008 from local realtards saying "you'll wish you had bought now"...knew I should have taken a dated pic...GSacs remind of some of these politicians that seem to think video recording and youtube don't exist...they start to think whatever thing the say is the truth, cause they said, regardless of whatever they have said in the past