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"Why The World Is Better Than You Think"

Tyler Durden's picture


For all zombied Goldman clients who are still not sick of guaranteeding the firm profitable trading days 63 out of 63 days each quarter, this is the conference call for you. And yes, this is real.

We can't wait for the next call in the sequence: "Why Goldman Is Much Less Of A Criminal Than You Think"


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Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:32 | 344534 Recovery3000
Recovery3000's picture

My dealer never makes me fill out a form.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:07 | 344644 akak
akak's picture

But how does one sign this contract with one's own blood, when it can only be completed online?

Or has GS now invented "paper blood" too?


(I wonder, can I pay them with a "paper firstborn" as well?)

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:08 | 345303 Alienated Serf
Alienated Serf's picture

e-blood to buy an ipad.  or maxi pad

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:35 | 344540 chet
chet's picture

"Thank you for joining us.  The first thing we need to do on this conference call is to clarify the title.  It was supposed to read:

'Why OUR world is better than you think'

Sorry about that."

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:49 | 344590 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

No, no, no.  The presumption is that everything that is is already theirs.  Back to work, slave!


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:39 | 344552 J.B. Books
J.B. Books's picture

Tyler - how is Marla?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:41 | 344557 Cheeky Bastard
Cheeky Bastard's picture

The rainbow tastes like puppy dogs.

See Goldman Sachs, I, too, can say totally random things that make no sense.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:43 | 344560 Argonaught
Argonaught's picture

I like your unicorn ranch.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:20 | 344637 malusDiaz
malusDiaz's picture

I've got Tulips for sale!

Along with Good Feelings and Sunsets!


One metric fuck ton for anything you happen to have.


I'll give you two of them for a Clear Crystal Ball!

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:27 | 344649 Selah
Selah's picture

Tulips... Bitches!!!


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:11 | 345309 Alienated Serf
Alienated Serf's picture

all the above replies to cheeky are actual titles to Thomas Friedman articles.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 21:08 | 345060 moneymutt
moneymutt's picture

Its like Goldman Sacs has change their logo to a pic of Jim Cramer...Cramer Sacs...nice branding guys...

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:45 | 344570 Common_Cents22
Common_Cents22's picture

Doing God's work makes the world a better place, for partners.


Why would any customer do any business w/ GS is beyond me.  JPM for that matter.


63 for 63 is approaching Madoff numbers but not quite.  Madoff was 63 wins for 0 at bats.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 21:12 | 345070 akak
akak's picture

You know, GS may be doing "God's work" as they claim --- but they never told us just WHICH god it is whose work they are doing!

I am guessing Shiva.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 21:48 | 345123 Lower Class Elite
Lower Class Elite's picture

More like Kali Ma.  That bitch is kuh-RAZY!

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 22:59 | 345283 abc123
abc123's picture

because it's sexy to be eaten by THE vampire... 

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:45 | 344571 PunkSgt
PunkSgt's picture

How do I sign up?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 17:48 | 344587 Cheeky Bastard
Cheeky Bastard's picture

creat fictional e-mail adress

GS contact: David Viniar 

Company: some-bucket-shop-from-Missouri


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:09 | 344612 ReallySparky
ReallySparky's picture

Hey there Cheeky, don't pick on us hard headed, show-me state mules. 

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 22:35 | 345240 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

Youre kidding right? (Almost) no Main Streeters allowed.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:02 | 344593 Mr Lennon Hendrix
Mr Lennon Hendrix's picture

Where do you keep the drugs, Goldman?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 20:27 | 344972 Fazzie
Fazzie's picture

 I cant say where they keep the stash now, I can only hope that soon, they will have to keester them into a club Fed facility after multiple convictions based on evidence uncovered by the SEC and a vigorous prosecution with no deals by a US attorney.

  (sarcasm off) Its a shame when a situation like that lives only in fantasy, when it would merely the result of our govt officials just doing their sworn duty and haeven forbid, actually earn a paycheck.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:04 | 344596 johngaltfla
johngaltfla's picture

All we need now is Lord Blankfein to fly in on a purple unicorn pooping Skittles and the "trip" would be complete.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:18 | 344634 knukles
knukles's picture

Daddy, what color does he poop?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:20 | 344835 Privatus
Privatus's picture

All the colors of the rainbow, son. All the colors of the rainbow.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:54 | 344913 knukles
knukles's picture

Why does Lord Blankfiend always have that funny smile, Daddy?  He must be very happy.
Daddy, maybe some day can I poop rainbows  over everybody too? 

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:05 | 344603 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

One might assume that Lord Blankfein was showing a little humility when he uttered that the Squid was doing God's work. The presumption is that the Squid are God's servants, but there are a couple of possibilities to be considered:

God is actually now the servant to the Squid (no doubt after a Squid arranged leveraged financing of Heaven to unlock the intrinsic value of the Pearly Gates), but the Squid is doing his work for some reason or another (Perhaps they think they can do it better?).

It could also be that the Squid is the earthly embodiment of Satan, who after all is by the dint of his station as the antithesis of God thereby also doing God's work.

In any event, the presumption is that the world ... nay, the Universe, belongs to the Squid, and that is why it is better than you might think.


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:35 | 344685 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

"Lord Blankfein was showing a little humility when he uttered that the Squid was doing God's work."

But God Got Even
As Lloyd B. God whined that statement out in a nasally, midget-y, Morey Amsterdam voice that annoys the ear like a mosquito whine...

How can you take a guy seriously as a "Titan of Industry" when he sounds like a 5 foot vaudevillian carnival freak show  barker hawking the 3 Card Monte stand?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 22:06 | 345176 hbjork1
hbjork1's picture

Problem is:

You got it.  I have wasted enough time listening to his testimony before Congress.  

What could he possibly say that I would possibly believe.  I have other ways to use my precious time, like have a nightcap and go to bed. 

He demonstrates who he is by his works.  IMO, if this is actually going to be Blankfein, he is runnig scared.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:16 | 345318 Alienated Serf
Alienated Serf's picture

Lloyd's nasally voice is proof that GS is a meritocracy of thieves.  There is no way someone who sounds like kermit the frog on helium gets CEO unless he can rake in the bux.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:06 | 344606 Gordon_Gekko
Gordon_Gekko's picture

Meanwhile EUR slips down to 1.2624.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:07 | 344609 Agent P
Agent P's picture

I like how you selected Greece from the dropdown before grabbing the screenshot...nice touch!

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:08 | 344610 Zombie Investor
Zombie Investor's picture

"profitable trading days 63 out of 63 days each quarter"

What I'd like to know is if GS/JPM made money last Thursday?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:08 | 344611 hambone
hambone's picture

LMFAO - even while gold goes straight up against the dollar moving parabollic against euro, someone didn't seem to notice that our money is being turned into 2nd rate dogsh#t (no, really, there is 1st rate dogsh#t if you feed your dog the good stuff...but I digress). 

Folks, if this is a ball game what inning are we in and how do you win???

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:09 | 344613 The Alarmist
The Alarmist's picture

Bottom of the ninth, with two outs and two strikes.  You win by walking away and not playing.


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:14 | 344625 ratava
ratava's picture

speaking in ball game terms, we are playing the banana league and banksters got a picture of refs kids in their wallet

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:42 | 344659 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

It's more like Star Wars, and we are somewhere late in the Phantom Menace episode.

The world is better than you think, until you run out of Mr. Pibb and popcorn.

Wed, 05/12/2010 - 02:39 | 345510 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

Now this is what first rate dogsh#t is:

Pedro: Man, what is in this shit, man?
Man Stoner: Mostly Maui Waui man, but it's got some Labrador in it.
Pedro: What's Labrador?
Man Stoner: It's dog shit.
Pedro: What?
Man Stoner: Yeah, my dog ate my stash, man.
Pedro: Yeah?
Man Stoner: I had it on the table and the little motherfucker ate it, man. Then I had to follow him around with a little baggie for three days, man, before I got it back. Really blew the dog's mind, ya know?
Pedro: You mean we're smokin' dog shit, man?
Man Stoner: Gets ya high, don't it?
[Song, "Rockin' Robin" plays... ]
Man Stoner: I think it's even better than before, you know?
Pedro: Uhhh, I wonder what Great Dane tastes like, man.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:11 | 344615 akak
akak's picture

"Why the world is better than you think."

To which world are they referring?

Has Goldman Sucks now extended their grip to the inhabitants of other planets too?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:16 | 344631 knukles
knukles's picture


Supposed to be
"My" World is better than you think.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 20:40 | 345000 Trial of the Pyx
Trial of the Pyx's picture



you just may be getting a little too close to the truth

Wed, 05/12/2010 - 03:25 | 345527 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

Resistance is futile; we will assimilate you(r wealth.)

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:11 | 344619 ratava
ratava's picture

europeans just do not consume enough Valium to make it in the new normal

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:14 | 344624 Wannabee
Wannabee's picture

More Prozac please....

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:15 | 344626 knukles
knukles's picture

Does it really get better if we register more than once?


Quit making the captcha questions so hard.  No one from the ECB can login.  Jeeeesh!

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:40 | 344704 Problem Is
Problem Is's picture

"No one from the ECB can login."

Sure they can... the answers are all negative numbers... The ECB knows negative...

I asked Tyler earlier if Marla was running the CAPTCHA servers now because the answers work for once... and I keep getting 69 and -69...

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:17 | 344632 Bolweevil
Bolweevil's picture

"Did you see the size of that chicken!?"

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:22 | 344640 DavosSherman
DavosSherman's picture

Doing God's work, just like the Bishops who molested innocent kids. F*cking morons. There are no devils in hell - they are all here.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:41 | 344708 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

This reminds of the realtards blowing smoke up everyone's ass prior to the crash, issuing statements like "why your house will never go down in value".



Tue, 05/11/2010 - 21:12 | 345069 moneymutt
moneymutt's picture

I remember seeing a bill board in 2008 from local realtards saying "you'll wish you had bought now"...knew I should have taken a dated pic...GSacs remind of some of these politicians that seem to think video recording and youtube don't exist...they start to think whatever thing the say is the truth, cause they said, regardless of whatever they have said in the past

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:05 | 345296 merehuman
merehuman's picture

" The fundamentals of our economy are sound" George Bush talking about his friends while on national TV

lol . Must have been drunk

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 18:58 | 344766 aurum
aurum's picture

td -  i love how you have greece as the country in the drop down box....thats too good

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:04 | 344787 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

So how do they deliver the required "Kool-aide" over the interwebs? Because you're going to have to be heavily sedated to make any sense of this one.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:07 | 344794 WaterWings
WaterWings's picture


"The World is Better than you think because we have already reserved your luxury bunks in one of our DULS (deep underground living space) based on your geographic location. In this special message we will detail travel arrangements for safe transport of you and your loved ones..."

Any good ZH hackers out there?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:14 | 344816 no cnbc cretin
no cnbc cretin's picture

TOTAL BS! Roman Empire, times a quadrillion.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 19:20 | 344827 doggings
doggings's picture

Sure they can... the answers are all negative numbers... The ECB knows negative...

lol, yes they do. I think the conversation went something like this:

"well, we're -350 billion Euros at least, what we gonna do?"


", add another -750 billion Euros? "

and that is pretty similar to the capcha

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 20:03 | 344927 No More Bubbles
No More Bubbles's picture

When you keep taking ALL THE MONEY in the game, then YOUR WORLD is just fine.

It's easy to do "God's work" when you actually ARE God.........

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 20:05 | 344932 Transor Z
Transor Z's picture

Why Proper Title Capitalization Is Only for the Little People

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 21:46 | 345117 grunk
grunk's picture

We have just released the Kraken:




Tue, 05/11/2010 - 22:40 | 345248 FischerBlack
FischerBlack's picture

Why the World is Better than You Think


Shortest. Conference Call. Ever.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:46 | 345368 Mr Creosote
Mr Creosote's picture

No, shortest would be "Business Ethics of the Squid."

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:05 | 345295 HomemadeLasagna
HomemadeLasagna's picture

This is what's left when you go all in throwing $1 trillion at the Euro and it barely buys you a day.  This is like BP's plan to plug the oil leak by shooting tires and golf balls into it...

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:09 | 345302 Alienated Serf
Alienated Serf's picture


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:10 | 345305 merehuman
merehuman's picture

One at a time ?   Would it help if we all shot our tires? You first.

I bet that underwater golfing dont come cheap.

Where do i get the caddy?

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:13 | 345312 merehuman
merehuman's picture

somebody call a plumber , we have a leak over here.

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:19 | 345323 Zombies On Toast
Zombies On Toast's picture

What is GS going to do now? You can't get any better than 63 out of 63! I would say that their world is way better than mine! Of course, their world is "The World".

Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:30 | 345339 Apostate
Apostate's picture

Something awful happened to the firm after it went IPO. Obviously, there is no way to maintain a consistent culture throughout the firm, especially when you're dealing with so many investors who WANT to lose money. They don't want to make money. It's in their psychology.

The religious believe that "money is evil" shit, so they purposefully behave irresponsibly. That's the unfortunate culture of the sell-side. If the Federal Reserve could be K.O.ed, the banks would go back to being little houses. Of course, the government would basically die, but who cares? Oh no, they'd have to bring their permanently brain-damaged soldiers home. Who would keep us safe from the diaper bomber then?


Tue, 05/11/2010 - 23:30 | 345340 Recovery3000
Recovery3000's picture

Even Chinatown back ally bookies lose once in a while, although instead of going to the Fed for more cash, they kill the man's family....The back alley seems more honest

Wed, 05/12/2010 - 01:07 | 345405 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

Mr Market milkman does well for himself!


Wed, 05/12/2010 - 00:19 | 345414 williambanzai7
williambanzai7's picture

They say that Richard Cory owns one half of this whole town,
With political connections to spread his wealth around.
Born into society, a banker's only child,
He had everything a man could want: power, grace, and style.

But I work in his factory
And I curse the life I'm living
And I curse my poverty
And I wish that I could be,
Oh, I wish that I could be,
Oh, I wish that I could be
Richard Cory.

The papers print his picture almost everywhere he goes:
Richard Cory at the opera, Richard Cory at a show.
And the rumor of his parties and the orgies on his yacht!
Oh, he surely must be happy with everything he's got.

But I work in his factory
And I curse the life I'm living
And I curse my poverty
And I wish that I could be,
Oh, I wish that I could be,
Oh, I wish that I could be
Richard Cory.

He freely gave to charity, he had the common touch,
And they were grateful for his patronage and thanked him very much,
So my mind was filled with wonder when the evening headlines read:
"Richard Cory went home last night and put a bullet through his head."

But I work in his factory
And I curse the life I'm living
And I curse my poverty
And I wish that I could be,
Oh, I wish that I could be,
Oh, I wish that I could be
Richard Cory.

Simon and Garfunkel
Wed, 05/12/2010 - 01:56 | 345485 Ted K
Ted K's picture

I chose not to listen to it.  Is there any doubt the pure crap they spew out on those conference calls???  I might ask the authors of Zerohedge what does one EVER learn from those conference calls....  I sware on my Mom's grave I didn't listen to it.  Does it start off something like some Goldman prick going "Well for all the negative naysayer nigityboobiterbobs out there who are jealous of us, here is what all the bignosed guys gave to Jewish charities last year after they figured out how it would benefit them on their tax margins.  See!!! Aren't we just the most generous sham artists the world has ever known???  Here, you can kiss my shoe now."

I don't have time to listen to rubbish, I have to make time for posts like these.

Wed, 05/12/2010 - 02:15 | 345498 Temporalist
Temporalist's picture

What are drugs?

Before your preconceived notions would you take anything if it saved your life?



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