You Can't Make This Up: Europe Plans Fresh Round Of "Secret" Stress Tests To "Restore Confidence"

Tyler Durden's picture

You really can't make this up: the WSJ reports: "As market sentiment toward the euro zone sharply deteriorates, European
officials are planning a new round of bank "stress tests" that they say
will be more rigorous than the widely discredited exams conducted
earlier this year
." Thank you for confirming the prior stress test, the one which found that not one Irish bank was impaired, was a bunch of bullshit. Of course, this being Europe, it will require another forceful intervention by the uber-propaganda czar Geithner to get European countries in line: "But the tests are already subject to bickering between countries. While
some European leaders are pushing for next year's tests to be broader
and more transparent than last summer's exercise, the agency that will
oversee the tests says it might opt not to publicly disclose the results
at all.
" And all will be proclaimed to be fine. No further comment needed. 


Comment viewing options

Select your preferred way to display the comments and click "Save settings" to activate your changes.
Rahm's picture

Everything's fine, nothing to see here.  Please disperse the area.  Trust us  ;)

MarketTruth's picture

So will the phrase "All banks are fine and have adequate reserves" rank up there with "The check is in the mail" and "I won't cum in your mouth"?

cougar_w's picture

Only if you are a banker. Bankers cum in each other's mouths all the time and never use checks for anything ever.

MarketTruth's picture

You are right! i now see why he is called:

Ben Shalom Bukkake

nope-1004's picture

Ya, every kid that gets told to take a "retest" in school gets nothing but respect and confidence from the teacher and classmates.


kentfinance's picture

that's a bit like drawing down on your revolver as a sign of financial strength

already "bickering" over format of tests - nothing like addressing the heart of the matter - that will really restore confidence


knukles's picture

So who told you this?

Ragnarok's picture



WB7 Baghdad Bob Stat!

StychoKiller's picture

Ya know, the second time you hear a joke, you laugh just to be polite, but when someone INSISTS on telling it a third time, all they get is stony silence.  I gotta agree with you though, these idjuts are completely absurd, if not downright mental patients!

Horatio Beanblower's picture

They must think that people are fools.  Wait a minute...

jus_lite_reading's picture

If they need to make this a secret, you know, that they know, this is gonna be bad.


More reason to buy gold and silver NOW!

StychoKiller's picture

Oooh, "Double-Secret" stress tests!  Somehow that just does NOT make them any more believable!

SpeakerFTD's picture

Ty:  This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

Duuude's picture


Wail now...they be following The BenBernanke Template...











NOTW777's picture

this should solve everything; also bernanke is now interested in creating jobs, just like obama

NOTW777's picture

ben says he plans to talk to real people

redpill's picture

I just got off the phone with my psychic, she is really talented, it suddenly came to her that all banks will pass this stress test.  She is also my 2 y/o daughter.

MarketTruth's picture

That sounds waaaaaaay too technical. Longterm investors prefer using their Magic 8 Ball.

Dr. No's picture

An for those without those advanced tools: a fortune cookie.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Where is HarryWanger to tell us this is another bullish sign?

TWORIVER's picture

Remeber that Harry is out selling his wares today.

Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Selling his wares alright.

HarryWanger stars in "Deep Throat 2 - Ponzi Style".

Rick64's picture

Harry is always on a plane going somewhere when the market drops. This explains it, I didn't know he was in show business.

StychoKiller's picture

Would that plane be an Airbus 380?  Careful, controlled descent into terrain has been known to cause nose-bleeds! :>D

StychoKiller's picture

Ya know, I'm all for positive thinking, really!  Ignoring mathematical certainties though, is not positive thinking, it's just delusional.

Arius's picture

i guess buying gold - some people learn the hard way...well that's being optimistic...

BaronG's picture

hahahaha. What a crock.

From Bloomberg:


Deutsche Bank AG Chief Executive Officer Josef Ackermannsaid that investors’ mistrust of Spain is unjustified and that problems in the banking industry are “manageable,” as Europe’s debt crisis intensified.

The fundamental economic data “in no way justifies the apparent mistrust that exists in the case of Spain, though not only there,” Ackermann said in a statement in response to a request for comment by Bloomberg News. “Spain can deal with its problems by itself.”




Dr. No's picture

Wait, when did europe start trusting eachother in the first place?  Is this quote taken from a comedian?

StychoKiller's picture

Why bother tuning into "Comedy Central" when you can come to zero hedge for all the political humour you can stand?

redpill's picture

Let me guess, they are fully funded through next June?  Where have I heard that before...

nonclaim's picture

News from the future: EU is analizing the Irish response


jus_lite_reading's picture

ROTFLMAO!!! NO YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT SHIT UP!  They must think global investors are stupid!


Hey, this won't be a secret for long! Thank you WIKILEAKS!


Aren't "secrets" part of the reason we got in this mess?!?!

Bay of Pigs's picture

Wonderful news....

More Transparency Bitchez!

Hi Ho Silver...awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

ZackAttack's picture

Where the economies are strong and all the banks above average: Loch Wobegonnengen.

ZeroPower's picture

the agency that will oversee the tests says it might opt not to publicly disclose the results at all


Whoa... bold font indeed. Ridiculous.

Silverhog's picture

Another round of stress tests! WTF So this is the answer? Is there anyone else really thinking this will fix the circus? Sorry, everybody threw their tickets on the ground and heading for the door.

centerline's picture

They better hurry up or it's going to be a postmordem.  Oops, forgot... not allowed... must... pretend... patient... is... alive.

cougar_w's picture

Zombies are plenty dangerous too. Brrraaaainnnnzz ...

sangell's picture

They just had a 'stress test' it was called Ireland. The Euro banking system failed!

centerline's picture

I'd say it worked wonderfully... from the central banker point of view of course.  Now with a belly full of Guiness, it's off to grab some pasta!  Party on... Rothschild style!

willien1derland's picture

Sweet - I wonder if these are the same people who came up with the U.S. Credit Reporting scheme - we need three (3) disparate organizations with three TOTALLY different approaches to calculating creditworthiness - this will create a bureaucracy that would make ANY government proud!

Double down's picture

This is as close to full retard one can get, knowing full well, like approaching the speed of light, one can never truly reach it.  

Cone of Uncertainty's picture

Certainly this post is entirely in jest.

SheepDog-One's picture

I dont think its in jest, they seem serious. And dont call me 'Certainly'.

Dr. No's picture

Bureaucracy.   Looks. like the finally caught up with with every aspect of goverment work.  A test for EVERYTHING.  and when one test doesnt work, give it another test.  A Bureaucrat knows of no other solution, other than another test, checklist, or procedure. 

Here is an idea.  Let them rot on the vine and then bail them out when it is obvious they are going to die.  I mean they are going to get bailed out anyway.  Why waste your time with a test when the end is the same.  Bureaucracy.

cougar_w's picture

It's like this:

Two people have named each other as beneficiaries in their will. One will of course get the whole enchilada, whoever lives the longest. Each are really hoping the other guy dies first and are actively poisoning each others' food.  Yet both have been diagnosed with terminal cancer, either could die any day now. They continue to poison each other because ... they both want to get the whole enchilada before they die.

The two "people" are really the US and the Eurozone, with China being the dark horse nephew who actually stands to make out either way and need only wait until both are dead and is enjoying the show for the time being. The "inheritance" in question is nothing less than world domination. 


Did I miss anything?


Rogerwilco's picture

Good analogy, but the nephew is a meth head.

cougar_w's picture

Oh that really makes it interesting; the nephew might start poisoning the rich uncles himself to hurry things along if his junky-monkey starts to scream.

Say, is it still considered patricide if you murder an elder relative? I want to be sure I have the terminology straight.