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You Can't Make This Up: Europe Plans Fresh Round Of "Secret" Stress Tests To "Restore Confidence"

Tyler Durden's picture


You really can't make this up: the WSJ reports: "As market sentiment toward the euro zone sharply deteriorates, European
officials are planning a new round of bank "stress tests" that they say
will be more rigorous than the widely discredited exams conducted
earlier this year
." Thank you for confirming the prior stress test, the one which found that not one Irish bank was impaired, was a bunch of bullshit. Of course, this being Europe, it will require another forceful intervention by the uber-propaganda czar Geithner to get European countries in line: "But the tests are already subject to bickering between countries. While
some European leaders are pushing for next year's tests to be broader
and more transparent than last summer's exercise, the agency that will
oversee the tests says it might opt not to publicly disclose the results
at all.
" And all will be proclaimed to be fine. No further comment needed. 



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Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:07 | 765324 Rahm
Rahm's picture

Everything's fine, nothing to see here.  Please disperse the area.  Trust us  ;)

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:27 | 765413 MarketTruth
MarketTruth's picture

So will the phrase "All banks are fine and have adequate reserves" rank up there with "The check is in the mail" and "I won't cum in your mouth"?

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:35 | 765454 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Only if you are a banker. Bankers cum in each other's mouths all the time and never use checks for anything ever.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:50 | 765523 MarketTruth
MarketTruth's picture

You are right! i now see why he is called:

Ben Shalom Bukkake

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:30 | 765434 nope-1004
nope-1004's picture

Ya, every kid that gets told to take a "retest" in school gets nothing but respect and confidence from the teacher and classmates.


Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:50 | 765809 kentfinance
kentfinance's picture

that's a bit like drawing down on your revolver as a sign of financial strength

already "bickering" over format of tests - nothing like addressing the heart of the matter - that will really restore confidence


Tue, 11/30/2010 - 21:24 | 766515 knukles
knukles's picture

So who told you this?

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:08 | 765325 Ragnarok
Ragnarok's picture



WB7 Baghdad Bob Stat!

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:33 | 767178 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Ya know, the second time you hear a joke, you laugh just to be polite, but when someone INSISTS on telling it a third time, all they get is stony silence.  I gotta agree with you though, these idjuts are completely absurd, if not downright mental patients!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:07 | 765326 Horatio Beanblower
Horatio Beanblower's picture

They must think that people are fools.  Wait a minute...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:18 | 765365 jus_lite_reading
jus_lite_reading's picture

If they need to make this a secret, you know, that they know, this is gonna be bad.


More reason to buy gold and silver NOW!

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:34 | 767181 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Oooh, "Double-Secret" stress tests!  Somehow that just does NOT make them any more believable!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:08 | 765327 SpeakerFTD
SpeakerFTD's picture

Ty:  This isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:09 | 765328 Duuude
Duuude's picture


Wail now...they be following The BenBernanke Template...











Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:08 | 765329 NOTW777
NOTW777's picture

this should solve everything; also bernanke is now interested in creating jobs, just like obama

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:09 | 765335 NOTW777
NOTW777's picture

ben says he plans to talk to real people

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:09 | 765332 redpill
redpill's picture

I just got off the phone with my psychic, she is really talented, it suddenly came to her that all banks will pass this stress test.  She is also my 2 y/o daughter.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:29 | 765423 MarketTruth
MarketTruth's picture

That sounds waaaaaaay too technical. Longterm investors prefer using their Magic 8 Ball.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:42 | 765489 Dr. No
Dr. No's picture

An for those without those advanced tools: a fortune cookie.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:09 | 765337 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Where is HarryWanger to tell us this is another bullish sign?

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:11 | 765341 TWORIVER
TWORIVER's picture

Remeber that Harry is out selling his wares today.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:13 | 765348 Cognitive Dissonance
Cognitive Dissonance's picture

Selling his wares alright.

HarryWanger stars in "Deep Throat 2 - Ponzi Style".

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:49 | 765524 Rick64
Rick64's picture

Harry is always on a plane going somewhere when the market drops. This explains it, I didn't know he was in show business.

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:35 | 767183 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Would that plane be an Airbus 380?  Careful, controlled descent into terrain has been known to cause nose-bleeds! :>D

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:18 | 765364 spekulatn
spekulatn's picture

all you need to know about the HW.

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:38 | 767188 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Ya know, I'm all for positive thinking, really!  Ignoring mathematical certainties though, is not positive thinking, it's just delusional.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:14 | 765353 Arius
Arius's picture

i guess buying gold - some people learn the hard way...well that's being optimistic...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 18:39 | 766048 DaveyJones
Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:14 | 765352 BaronG
BaronG's picture

hahahaha. What a crock.

From Bloomberg:


Deutsche Bank AG Chief Executive Officer Josef Ackermannsaid that investors’ mistrust of Spain is unjustified and that problems in the banking industry are “manageable,” as Europe’s debt crisis intensified.

The fundamental economic data “in no way justifies the apparent mistrust that exists in the case of Spain, though not only there,” Ackermann said in a statement in response to a request for comment by Bloomberg News. “Spain can deal with its problems by itself.”




Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:32 | 765447 Dr. No
Dr. No's picture

Wait, when did europe start trusting eachother in the first place?  Is this quote taken from a comedian?

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:40 | 767190 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Why bother tuning into "Comedy Central" when you can come to zero hedge for all the political humour you can stand?

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:38 | 765475 redpill
redpill's picture

Let me guess, they are fully funded through next June?  Where have I heard that before...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:15 | 765354 nonclaim
nonclaim's picture

News from the future: EU is analizing the Irish response


Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:17 | 765362 jus_lite_reading
jus_lite_reading's picture

ROTFLMAO!!! NO YOU CAN'T MAKE THAT SHIT UP!  They must think global investors are stupid!


Hey, this won't be a secret for long! Thank you WIKILEAKS!


Aren't "secrets" part of the reason we got in this mess?!?!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:19 | 765366 Bay of Pigs
Bay of Pigs's picture

Wonderful news....

More Transparency Bitchez!

Hi Ho Silver...awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:19 | 765372 ZackAttack
ZackAttack's picture

Where the economies are strong and all the banks above average: Loch Wobegonnengen.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:20 | 765376 ZeroPower
ZeroPower's picture

the agency that will oversee the tests says it might opt not to publicly disclose the results at all


Whoa... bold font indeed. Ridiculous.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:20 | 765378 Silverhog
Silverhog's picture

Another round of stress tests! WTF So this is the answer? Is there anyone else really thinking this will fix the circus? Sorry, everybody threw their tickets on the ground and heading for the door.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:21 | 765380 centerline
centerline's picture

They better hurry up or it's going to be a postmordem.  Oops, forgot... not allowed... must... pretend... patient... is... alive.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:29 | 765424 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Zombies are plenty dangerous too. Brrraaaainnnnzz ...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:21 | 765382 sangell
sangell's picture

They just had a 'stress test' it was called Ireland. The Euro banking system failed!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:24 | 765398 centerline
centerline's picture

I'd say it worked wonderfully... from the central banker point of view of course.  Now with a belly full of Guiness, it's off to grab some pasta!  Party on... Rothschild style!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:24 | 765397 willien1derland
willien1derland's picture

Sweet - I wonder if these are the same people who came up with the U.S. Credit Reporting scheme - we need three (3) disparate organizations with three TOTALLY different approaches to calculating creditworthiness - this will create a bureaucracy that would make ANY government proud!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:24 | 765400 Double down
Double down's picture

This is as close to full retard one can get, knowing full well, like approaching the speed of light, one can never truly reach it.  

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:25 | 765404 Cone of Uncertainty
Cone of Uncertainty's picture

Certainly this post is entirely in jest.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:40 | 765483 SheepDog-One
SheepDog-One's picture

I dont think its in jest, they seem serious. And dont call me 'Certainly'.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:26 | 765405 Dr. No
Dr. No's picture

Bureaucracy.   Looks. like the finally caught up with with every aspect of goverment work.  A test for EVERYTHING.  and when one test doesnt work, give it another test.  A Bureaucrat knows of no other solution, other than another test, checklist, or procedure. 

Here is an idea.  Let them rot on the vine and then bail them out when it is obvious they are going to die.  I mean they are going to get bailed out anyway.  Why waste your time with a test when the end is the same.  Bureaucracy.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:27 | 765406 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

It's like this:

Two people have named each other as beneficiaries in their will. One will of course get the whole enchilada, whoever lives the longest. Each are really hoping the other guy dies first and are actively poisoning each others' food.  Yet both have been diagnosed with terminal cancer, either could die any day now. They continue to poison each other because ... they both want to get the whole enchilada before they die.

The two "people" are really the US and the Eurozone, with China being the dark horse nephew who actually stands to make out either way and need only wait until both are dead and is enjoying the show for the time being. The "inheritance" in question is nothing less than world domination. 


Did I miss anything?


Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:37 | 765468 Rogerwilco
Rogerwilco's picture

Good analogy, but the nephew is a meth head.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:49 | 765526 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

Oh that really makes it interesting; the nephew might start poisoning the rich uncles himself to hurry things along if his junky-monkey starts to scream.

Say, is it still considered patricide if you murder an elder relative? I want to be sure I have the terminology straight.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:27 | 765411 Cone of Uncertainty
Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:28 | 765414 Ferg .
Ferg .'s picture

I truly wonder how many people actually buy this PR garbage . If it is decided that they will be conducted in secret and the results withheld then they will be discredited long before any bank is assessed . I'm sure Julian Assange will be monitoring the situation closely . Jesus Christ , all people want is honesty and transparency .

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:04 | 765594 Ferrari
Ferrari's picture

Yeah, really, what exactly is the point of this excercise? Most people aren't paying attention, and those who are see through it and laugh. Those who are cognisant and posess a memory for what happened last summer laugh and get angry. Why do anything? Why not just waste the money on bad art or hookers? I don't understand.

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:45 | 767193 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

If she can't get a seat, she can sit on my lap (we'll talk about whatever pops up!) :>D

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:32 | 765441 Gimp
Gimp's picture

I feel safer already.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:37 | 765469 economessed
economessed's picture

Yes, exactly....

Perhaps if the person conducting the stress test gropes the banks, we'll all feel safer.  And if that doesn't work, we can x-ray them -- that will prove everyone is safe.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:32 | 765448 EscapeKey
EscapeKey's picture

The last stress test was good... but to be honest, fellas, we could have used just a little more cowbell.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:36 | 765465 cougar_w
cougar_w's picture

+11 lulz

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:11 | 765619 hedgeless_horseman
hedgeless_horseman's picture

The markets got a fever and the the only prescription is more stress tests, baby.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:36 | 765463 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

Secret stress test. Good idea. Could they apply that to airlines?

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:36 | 765464 Cone of Uncertainty
Cone of Uncertainty's picture

No stress test needed, once the ECB starts buying debt directly all will be good.



Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:40 | 765481 redpill
redpill's picture

If you touch my bank's junk I'll have you arrested!

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:47 | 767194 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

If they would just arrest the bank's "junk", we'd all be feeling better!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:44 | 765495 the not so migh...
the not so mighty maximiza's picture

So secret they just had to tell me, didn't ya.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:47 | 765512 DaveyJones
DaveyJones's picture

They're now on double secret probation

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:45 | 765505 Boilermaker
Boilermaker's picture

This has gone from the surreal to absolutely ridiculous.

What's next?  The dog ate the results?

This is like listening to a wife caught cheating trying to talk her way out of it.  It just gets more and more ridiculous and unbelievable.

Honestly, this is way past reasonable now.  I don't know anyone that would do anything but mock this garbage now.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:45 | 765506 carbonmutant
carbonmutant's picture

 At some point self interest will motivate the first member to pull his hand out of the fire...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:56 | 765846 DonutBoy
DonutBoy's picture

My money is on Ireland.  I don't think they like their new gift from the Germans.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:45 | 765507 swissinv
swissinv's picture

I wish I had this option when I was at primary school when I had to bring my grades to my partents for signature

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:48 | 767196 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

I could tell you my grades, but then I'd have to kill ya! :>D

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:52 | 765541 unum mountaineer
unum mountaineer's picture

for best topical and sterilization use, better to apply the lube in early summer months

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 16:54 | 765550 Mongo
Mongo's picture

We are winning, speculators are losing


Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:00 | 765578 Silverhog
Silverhog's picture

Euro is dropping again. Guess they can't take a joke.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:05 | 765590 Buckaroo Banzai
Buckaroo Banzai's picture

"This time we're gonna grab the bull by the balls and kick those banks OFF CAMPUS"

"But what do you intend to do sir? They've already been stress tested..."

"Oh... they have? Then as of this moment they're on DOUBLE-SECRET stress tests!"

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:05 | 765597 Goldenballs
Goldenballs's picture

Is this to restore confidence in the Banks,Markets,Bailouts,EU,Pigs + Italy or the stress tests themselves,or like everything else is it totally irrelevant.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:07 | 765606 bernorange
bernorange's picture

Remain calm.. all is well!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:23 | 765671 Jasper M
Jasper M's picture

Time for "Double Secret Stress Test" 

(there is a little known codicil in the Basel Treaty . . . )

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:23 | 765675 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Only a moron would think that a "secret" stress-test would instill confidence.  EU = lobotomy continent.  

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:50 | 767198 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

You just cannot fix stupid!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 17:26 | 765683 doolittlegeorge
doolittlegeorge's picture

Everyday I find myself having to get actual actionable financial news from ZH instead of "all the other liars."  Does the media even care if sovereign defaults occur in the first place?  i sense the "language issue" since "how can one have bailouts without first discussing the failure and therefore the need of said bailout"?  without this "how can we possibly have a discussion of whether the bailout is a success or not?"  in short "what if the bailout is wrong"?  needless to say "we'd rather report the news than try and understand it."  how this passes for "actionable intelligence" such that money managers can make responsible decisions vis a vis "other people's money" is beyond me.  this sell off in Europe is totally predictable but goes unreported since "those European officials cannot possibly be wrong because it would mean too much wealth destruction if it were true."  Of course "generally speaking" all that's happening is a general rise in interest rates worldwide with particular emphasis on Europe.  What's the problem in saying it?  The fact that "that too big to fail thing is in fact failing"?

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:51 | 767200 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

You're in a room, with twisty passages leading out from it -- there's a small bottle in here...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 18:40 | 766051 loub215
loub215's picture

What BS!

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 18:44 | 766062 godzila
godzila's picture



Tue, 11/30/2010 - 18:49 | 766077 Atomizer
Atomizer's picture

If you cannot baffle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 00:58 | 767002 sodbuster
sodbuster's picture

I always heard it- "If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit!."

Sorry to nitpick.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 19:53 | 766317 gkm
gkm's picture

Wow, thanks.  This made my day I laughed so hard.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 19:54 | 766322 gwar5
gwar5's picture

"You can't be serious!!" -- John McEnroe.

Because the last stress tests worked so well.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 21:12 | 766498 greenewave
greenewave's picture


by Anonymous

My gut feeling is that TPTB has done this intentionally to bring down BoA. Bob Chapman has stated for months? now that BoA is totally bankrupt and will crash. Even pulsescan72 got information a few weeks ago that BoA has huge problems. Could it be that Goldman Sachs, JPM and the other big boys want to get rid of BoA? Just a thought...

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 22:43 | 766679 Hephasteus
Hephasteus's picture

Oh noe's it's a mysterious 5 gig hard drive from a year ago. This shit is stupid.

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 22:18 | 766623 chindit13
chindit13's picture

The stress tests I would like to see are the ones from the doctors of Weber, Trichet, Merkel, etc. Those would tell me everything I need to know about European banks.

Got stress tests, Wikileaks?

Tue, 11/30/2010 - 23:02 | 766719 Buck Johnson
Buck Johnson's picture

Europe is totally bad at BS people, unlike the US.  When the US does it, it works but only buys time until they figure out they where hoodwinked.  But in Europe, they try to be like the US and it not only shows up as BS but it shows their panic.

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 00:03 | 766906 blindman
blindman's picture

@..." Round Of "Secret" Stress Tests To "Restore Confidence" ".

i feel better already.  ...  i love secrets, until i forget them.

... but ,  wait, ..  but, but but ...

time to drink, then off to work/. ./ ef  -=

23r u

42to              4kerfk p rg oq


Wed, 12/01/2010 - 02:52 | 767201 StychoKiller
StychoKiller's picture

Augghh!! The Stupid, it burns!!

Wed, 12/01/2010 - 06:17 | 767310 XPolemic
XPolemic's picture

Hmmm ... secret ... AFAIK, the first stress test was a fictional book of derivatives, fixed income and treasury assets that the banks put through their risk systems (i.e. value the book, calculate the VaR and expected shortfall), plus a series of shocks to the yield curve and IR vols on their existing book. 

Not sure why they even bother running these special stress tests. They are supposed to be monitoring economic capital on a monthly basis, if the regulators had even half a clue they would have noticed the signs in 2006. Fortunately for the GFS, the regulators have less than a quarter of a clue.

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