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(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI - Single Male and Female Category
(Humorous) Planning For TEOTWAWKI - Single Male and Female Category
By
Cognitive Dissonance
A massive cold front moved through the area where I live last night just as I was Hurricane Irene shopping. Unfortunately the rapid moving, but still very nasty, line of storms brought 60-80 MPH winds and sideways rain for 10 minutes in order to soften everyone up for Hurricane Irene’s coming beat down.
Since I was fueling my car and backup 5 gallon gas can just as hell descended I was drenched in 15 seconds flat. Abandoning any hope of hitting the grocery store for fear of being poisoned like any other large wet rat, I headed home for a change of clothes only to watch the area descend into darkness as an area wide blackout hit once again.
Oh goody. I was reminded of the joys of rural living in a kilowatt deprived area.
After changing into dry clothes and pitifully chipping away at a still frozen dinner for some meager nourishment (use it or lose it is the blackout mantra) I then moved on to clearing some of the fallen branches from the back yard until dusk finally fell. Thoroughly exhausted I collapsed into my favorite rocking chair for some deep contemplation and penetrating introspection.
Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.
Waking an hour later in pitch black and with no flashlight or candle at hand I discovered the joys of blind circumnavigation of my home. Trust me when I tell you that it is not as you remember it. The good news is that toe nails eventually grow back almost as good as new. The bad news is that there is no effective cast for a broken big toe. Suck it up CD.
Falling into bed (literally since that was where I broke my big toe) I fitfully waited until the pain subsided enough to enter dream land. Sadly, all those friendly and comforting red, blue and green power LEDs that normally surround us 24/7 were extinguished and suddenly I realized I had never really gotten over my childhood fear of the dark. All of which got me to thinking about surviving the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI).
Upon which I promptly fell asleep. Just wait until you get old smartass.
Blessedly I was so exhausted from my tree limb clearing duties that I sleep straight through my wetting of the bed (damn prostate) and awoke at 3 AM as every light in the house suddenly flashed on. God is a cruel jokester because the wet spot was now plenty cold and it’s a new mattress to boot.
After removing the linens and digging out the wet/dry Shop Vac to salvage my pride (but not the mattress) I limped into my home office to see how the world faired during my absence. Clearly I had hired the right people because things were still just as screwed up as when I left them so I turned to writing down my thoughts on the coming end of the world.
Written from the point of view of a single male or female who has just experienced a blackout and must adjust his or her disaster planning based upon the new information just gleaned, I hope you find it useful as you contemplate your own personal Armageddon.
And just in case any of you males out there scoff at the idea of a female being equal to a male during the end times, a dear and trusted female friend of mine assures me that a well armed and pissed off female is not someone you want to mess with. We all know who really would have run Bartertown if Aunty Entity (Tina Turner) had been suitably armed and thus properly motivated.
Below please find the lessons learned from the blackout. Then turn on The Weather Channel and watch Hurricane Irene Rototill the East Coast for a primer of what’s to come.
1) Nearly everything in your house, including half the furniture, was designed with electricity as a vital function. Which means most of the home furnishings will be useless when the world comes to an end, including that La-Z-Boy heat and vibrate recliner/Jacuzzi with the built in toaster oven/microwave. Consider barter opportunities for a Guillotine before the end times.
2) Since we are all modern intelligent pampered man and women, it is clear that we will become so angry when electricity is removed from the earth forever that the vast majority of us will go postal. Consider warning select family members to stay away from you during this period of your transition. Or skip the family warning and just settle some old scores.
3) Despite spending the last four years trying to encourage your neighbors to minimally prepare for disaster, not a fracking one within a quarter mile even had a candle during the blackout and all immediately showed up on your doorstep looking for handouts. Looks like you’ll need to double your guns and supplies. Consider creating an underground supply depot off-site just in case the extended family comes to visit when the world ends. Then you can fall back, resupply and retake your house when they are sleeping. Tear gas is considered essential.
4) You finally got a chance to check out the next door neighbor’s wife or husband in low light conditions. S/he is still a fine looking potential spouse and most definitely worth trading your generator for. However, first check to see if your neighbor will take beads and trinkets for the spouse. Remember that it is a sin to over pay.
This hurricane weekend might be the chance to test the barter waters. Note to self: Make sure you have at least two generators on hand when the end comes because the traded-for spouse might not be too happy coming to your cold and dark place after you just traded your only generator away. Whatever you do, remember to keep your firearms under lock and key lest your new spouse decide to go into business for him or herself.
5) Thank God you always buy the physical book even when purchasing the Kindle version. If you survive your mass murder phase of TEOTWAWKI you will have plenty to read. Check to see if the next door neighbor’s so-to-be ex-spouse can read before consummating the trade.
6) Up to now your large supply of hand tools were used as door stops and paper weights. Now’s the time to organize them into small, medium and large door stops as well as dead weights for body disposal duties.
7) People seem to drive slower and more erratically during blackouts, even though their car works perfectly and they’re driving on the same dark country road that never had street lights to begin with. Note to self: Keep several guns in the car during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event.
8) Your entire life is stored on your electronic devices, all of which will become completely useless during the next blackout or TEOTWAWKI event. Make sure all data is backed up on a portable hard drive so that you can sleep with it when the end comes. This assumes your new spouse will be agreeable to the ménage-a-trois. Barter him or her away if not.
9) Begin replacing all wall to wall carpet with tile, wood and brick. Without electricity you will not be able to vacuum the carpets, making then a breeding ground for fleas, ticks and sexually transmitted disease. Make your new spouse wear a chastity belt or lockable stainless steel jock strap to prevent unintended infection. Always have a spare spouse ready to go just in case you lose the first one.
10) Immediately covert all precious metal stock shares held electronically into physical stock certificates. This will make you insanely rich when the end comes because 99.99999% of the world won't be able to prove they own anything. Barter up to a better spouse at this time.
BTW the bartering for a new spouse also works with married couples and those in long term relationships. Just understand that you might need to give someone the generator in order for them to take your spouse. And make sure your spouse isn’t making a deal to barter you away first. Know your enemy.
08-26-2011
Cognitive Dissonance

Be the good Boy Scout and be prepared.
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CD, thanks for the humor. About your stubbed toe, I did the circumnavigation thing one dark night many years ago and did the same thing. Ouch! Since we keep the lights off until needed, I've taken to carrying a small LED flashlight in my pocket. Works great.
Now, about TEOTWAWKI: CrazyCooter appears to have things pretty well under control, for now. He's got a nice blog too!
DCFusor has some real wisdom in his post. "Assuming you'll just make a buncha money where you're at, then bug out and buy this lifestyle is simply not going to work out, it hasn't for anyone here, and a lot have tried. It just doesn't work that way ..." Best hope for people in that situation is to develop some connections soon, with folks who are better prepared and make plans to join their community. Offer to bring in food supplies or something of great intrinsic value, and I do NOT mean PMs. Anthracite coal has great intrinsic value and like propane or natural gas it burns with no smoke or odor but is easier to store in very large quantities. Just saying we all need to think and plan ahead.
I live CD's excellent humor, or did when first I got so disgusted with the sick human race I decided to move away from it. That first few months living on new bought land in the back of a station wagon, till my neighbors showed up and helped me build a shack and dig an outhouse was something. I probably couldn't do it again now that I'm 32 years older, that part struck home as well.
Luckily, I'd long ago ditched things like TV, so the no electricity or very little at first wasn't so bothersome. All I really needed for some years was a boom box and one reading light anyway, both pretty easy to power up. An Auto is about the most disgustingly inefficient electricity source (and a brake light the most horrible light), but it will get you by for awhile. The stubbed toe really came home to me awhile back. As I age and sometimes stumble into bed pretty drunk, awhile back I strung up enough LEDs around my main dwelling to always be able to see, always on. There's an especially bright white one that gets your attention as you come in my door -- on purpose, now you're blind and an easy target if I should decide that's necessary from my position in the dark.
Now of course, fully solar powered and all the amenities, though I walk far more lightly on the earth than most people do, and some would consider I don't have the necessities -- which of course proves them dead wrong -- I live, therefore no necessities are lacking. My wife thinks a TV is necessary, but I could live without very easily.
Some of the comments above show real ignorance, or worse, de-evolution. Your ancestors did fine without electrically heated water, and I only do it that way sometimes to show off how much I can afford to waste on a sunny day. Heard of the sun? Fire? Did you know that not many years ago, many hospitals didn't have electricity? Or that not long before that, there was no such thing, and women actually managed to have babies anyway? Gheesh, wot a buncha pussies you've let yourself become.
While you can avoid some of the travails by the application of money (either FRN or PM), learning how to grow food, and hunt and prepare it you can't just buy that easily. What crops grow here in what soil? When? How do you make this particular crappy soil grow stuff anyway? Where do the deer hang out, and when? How do I keep them and others from eating my crops? Sure you can buy guns, but can you shoot? Can you make a malfunctioning one work again in the dark? Do you know which one to pick up for a given situation? Sorry, no substitute for practice there. And many forget, that gun you're carrying has no effect on incoming lead. You need to know more than just how to shoot.
How about food preservation? How to start a fire and choose materials that won't smoke?
Do you know how to judge whether that human who just showed up at the door has good or evil in mind, at a glance? Do you know how to watch your own back without appearing to? Do you know the correct lead for a walking target at 400 meters? You can't buy this stuff. You can buy the books and some are good, but till you do it repeatedly, you can't do it well under stress.
Do you know how to deflect a fight? How to organize sheeple who will show up so they become a benefit instead of a threat?
I didn't do or learn all these things because I was thinking of the end of the world as we know it, but the results are similar. If was deliberately the end of my world as I knew it, and by gosh, good riddance. One learns these things naturally just living in the boonies and trying to be reasonably self sufficient and after about 30 years practice, I'm still not, quite -- but I could reasonably give it a go now, where before it was pure fantasy (though I wasn't aware of that then).
I don't have a gun safe, but I have plenty of guns - and all the tools and parts to create ammo in plenty. Not because I want to arm a banana republic (though I could). I just like them and shoot competitively, and I'm a gunsmith so naturally a few have collected around me - not in a safe where I can't have one in my hand instantly should it be needed, either. From .50 BMG on down to Fn 5-7. All suited for one thing or another. I doubt the baddies would play siege games from distance here - few shots are over 200yds and the whole reason they'd be there is they're too wimpy to shift for themselves, mother nature will make short work of that type. And if they should, well, Mr .50 likes a challenge and a tree or auto won't be a good thing to hide behind.
But in all that, doomsday is not the point. I live the opposite life -- it's real good now. I have this feeling of accomplishment hard to get another way, I know who I am, what I stand for, and that I've friggin earned it. I live in a community of like minded people, though we're pretty spread out - takes a long time to walk to the nearest. I own everything I can see from my roof, and more. I have good friends. I'm wealthy, and oh yeah, I have money TOO. That's the real payoff, and you don't even have to wait for the self sodomizing rest of the human race to fail to have it now, but you gotta start early if you want to stick it out. Long time friends take a long time to develop, knowledge takes time and practice and so on. Assuming you'll just make a buncha money where you're at, then bug out and buy this lifestyle is simply not going to work out, it hasn't for anyone here, and a lot have tried. It just doesn't work that way -- and meanwhile you're toiling in a stressful polluted hell on earth -- is that really what you think is a good life just because you can get porn on the plasma and eat Cheetos and drink beer (which BTW, I can also do, it's just that it's not my cup of tea). I'd rather do fusion research in my lab, or play in the machine shop, or the shooting range, or the electronics tinker bench. Maybe even do fun things with the chemistry setup or the electroplating line. Or trade the markets and blog.
I suggest that anyone who got started thinking due to CD's excellent work keep thinking -- think it all the way through though. Then, do something about it, don't just sit and fantasize. You might not have the luxury of as much time as you think, and since this life is better in every way than city life (and I was well off there too) -- why wait? You can trade from the woods, it's how I make my living now -- Internet is ubiquitous, and I have a fine fast connection to go with my large network.
Here's a ride around roughly 1/4 of my place. Lousy camera work, but it was fun.
http://www.youtube.com/user/DCFusor#p/a/u/2/5dkTB2zF838
Suck it up, bitchez! Catch a clue.
Some further clues here:
http://www.coultersmithing.com/forums/index.php
I know straight talk is dissed on ZH, but for once I thought I'd give it a go -- dis away. It might help some people, just as I bet CD's humor did.
Somewhat in awe. Have property but not as splendid as that. Just wish there were fewer neighbors here and there. And buy a $20 muffler for the smallest car you can find and silence your 'toy'. My ATV's sound like a small bug farting on a windy day...
CD, I ahve a question:
What's the deal with bartering for a new spouse? Wouldn't it be easier to acquire a new spouse who is currently single? Seems to me that during disasters people tend to feel more comfortable having someone closeby, so why not use that opportunity and offer a warm and light place to that stunning single neighbour of yours who is normally too busy to say more than a quick "hello"?
This isn't about a disaster. It's about the end of the world as we know it (TEOTWAWKI). Thus the title.
I took this approach because the one and only purpose of this piece was the creation and dissemination of dark apocalypse humor. This usually requires that most if not all of normal social conventions be discarded for the "new" normal.
if you notice the spending habits that people on the east coast exhibit and then think about it for a second, you realize that we are in for one big wonderful party tonight. the beer and liquor sales are through the roof. everyone is buying ice and cigarettes. all the equipment and vehicles are gassed up and ready to go. everyone has cash in the house and ammo, at least to get through the weekend. my god, life is wonderful once you realize that today, everyday, is a disaster and catastrophe just waiting to unfold and that your purpose is to survive and contribute the slightest bit of insanity that you can muster, or if you happen to have embarked on a career of greater influence, to deliver large doses of insanity and fear for the survival and emotional needs of the general public and consumption. c.d., very nice piece of writing. kudos. ps. i can think no more. i think it is a general trend, common. we are having our minds reprogrammed and the emotional energy is shifting the location of the attention to hitherto unwelcome regions of the consciousness and gray matter. the entire east coast has finally caught up to cuba in its capacity to respond, mobilize dislocation of populations, in response to uncertain bad weather. i fear they will kill many medicare recipients in the process of re acting, over and over, to uncertainty. but, the motto goes, never let a tragedy go to waste, even if you have to create it yourself !!
A handful of years ago, Hurricane Charley came through my area... followed by 2 more hurricanes that season. I live only miles from the location where all 3 of these hurricanes crossed that season. Charley was by far the worst. The eye of it went right over my house, crashing multiple pine trees on (and through) my roof. For a couple of months, the normal world ended and an entirely different world emerged. That period of time was nothing short of surreal.
Now, I am a fairly well equipped person. But, that summer really exposed the weaknesses in anyones preparations.
The real takeaway for me was a couple of key items...
1. Other people suck at being prepared. So, you have to prepare extra.
2. It is amazing how good people pull together and work their asses off for the common good.
3. It is equally amazing how the assholes around us become "super assholes" in time of stress.
Essentially, troubled times have a way of bringing out a person's essence. Easy times let people hide behind a number of things.
Thanks, CD and all ZH commenters. As always.
I better get my spouse on the treadmill or something, that way I can get more for her.
If you trade her along with a copy of JohnG's book(mentioned above), you might want to think about 'adding' a little. I mean if the trade is measured on a scale of looks, 1 to 10, you might do better slimming her down. If the scale is of the bathroom variety and you're going for pounds on the hoof, well, skip the treadmill and start looking at all-you-can-eat buffets.
This is why I love Zero Hedge. Aternative points of view. One person's too fat spouse is another's meal ticket. :>)
In JohnG's scenario, you mean literally. Bring on the fava beans...!
The only thing better than having something with good barter value is having the barter value of something improve on its own. If she wants you on the treadmill as well, consider the possibility that you are about to be bartered away. Damn the double cross.
Swine Flu Hype all over again?
Funny shit CD. But all neighbors wives are not as hot as mine.
Think it is time to move?
And forget hiding your guns, hide your booze. My nephews have torn thru my bar several times with no events whatsoever.
Dear uncie ruffcut,
please restock bar post-haste. thirst is agonizing.
ps. don't be upset with mrs. ruffcut; she's only human.
gratefully yours,
the nephews
Don't move. Just expand the area you call your neighborhood. In fact it would make sense to trade far from home so the new spouse doesn't see old reminders of his or her life before you. Best to keep him or her tied up for a while.
When the nephews come calling, collect a $40 cover charge before entry. That will sort out the riff raff.
and in case you forgot a bottle opener...
http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5pszg_open-beer-with-napkin_shortfilms
It is simply "uncivilized" to listen to "old timin" banjo pickin' sans inebriants.
that's one of my old-school bar tricks.
goddam internet...always stealin my thunder.
CD,
as you may or may not know, i tend favor the funny stuff. stories as well; i gobble the good ones up like nobody's business.
that's nice work, what lay above. you've done us a good turn, and janus feels obliged. and when janus feels obliged, he's wont to repay in kind...and as you may or may not have guessed, ole janus's got something in mind.
but before i fuss with all that fiddle-faddle, i wanted to commend you: it was truly funny, and janus, if i do say so myself, has the best and most refined sense of humor in the whole world, so it's not like you're fielding plaudits from any ole slack-jawed gawker...let me put to you like this: you had the narrative so vividly crafted that i broke into a paroxysm...if paroxysm's the word i'm reaching for, and if not, it was a deep and rumbling peel, interspersed with deep rumbling coughs; and though i'm sure the greeks had a word with which i could really pin it down, i'll have to leave my very long adjective phrase to stand in its stead -- as i'm totally ignorant of what the greeks had cooked up for such a contingency.
but it doesn't matter, at least not nearly as much as my relevant experience with these twisted and sinister storms. these hurricanes are now gender neutral, but there was a time, back when men were men and women were double-breasted, back when quarters were composed of silver and other such sensible measures were adopted as good and meet for all who dwelled within the land, yes, there was a time in this once great land when such storms were named for the bitchez they are.
you see, janus has survived several of these orgies of wind, water and woe. prepare yourself for a bout of heavy drinking (which will go a long way towards securing a concubine or two on the cheap...provided they are likewise lubricated with lots of liquor), and cooking out of doors over hardwood, long walks through fields and forests fragrant with the crisp aroma of freshly cracked pine to inspect the ubiquity of the desolation, brace yourself with that salty sense of humor laced throughout your piece, pray, get enough to give to those who need, brook no nonsense from any bearing malice, take the opportunity to better acquaint yourself with your neighbors...that kind of thing.
hurricane ivan was the longest we've been deprived of watts, volts, amps...you name it, the whole lot of them -- gone, just gone. you can sit around and scratch your head for hours, and no matter how clever you may reckon yourself, there's just no viable candidate to replace the function of electricity; it's rather unique. and once the insolubility of your dilemma starts to slowly settle over the ole oblongada, the implications of a multi-week electrical outage start to suggest themselves to one's self in terms and imagery that are decidedly dreadful.
cold showers are never, under any circumstances, a thing to which the westernized human can ever become even partially acclimated...it's just fucking barbaric.
cooking over hardwood isn't without its charms, though they may be sparse and ephemeral, charms they are nonetheless. the taste invested by a cherry or oak or hickory or pecan just can't be beat, and, now that i think about it, the charms are more difficult to come by once you've got to the whole matter of taste (which is seminal, mind you) addressed. but, never you mind, whatever the process lacks in charm, it more than makes up for it with tedium, ruin, despair, injury, profanity, conjugal discord, unexplained and highly agressive rashes, strange looking (and probably parasitic) bugs that live in and amongst the wood, the odor of smoke staining everything you see, touch or taste, the use of (and likely dismemberment by) the rusty ole chainsaw, and a clutch of other assorted horrors thrown in to boot. and that's just cooking.
now, when it comes to the ole day-by-day/hour-by-hour thing, well, i just hope you took victor frankel's advice and cultivated you a rich and fecund inner life -- i see that you have, so you'll be fine there. beware the chattering and nattering and fretting and clucking and paroxysms of the fairer sex!, which may give you caution when it comes to their acquisition -- all the irritants associated with their, ahem, 'condition', or whatever's to blame for all the havoc caused by that little extra bit of chromosome, are magnified by orders of magnitude, not degrees, when it comes to that all-too-tempting addition. take this sage advice once given to janus: "don't shit in your own back yard" (wise old codger).
what else?...oh yes, you'll certainly start sleeping in accord with nature's intent: shortly after dark you'll fall, and right at dawn you'll rise. but you'll wake sweating several times throughout...reminding yourself what your settler ancestors endured for the sake of so many things we're not allowed to even discuss, much less make sakes out of them. nevertheless, you should start a journal and share it with us after your ordeal is done. you should also catalog local bugs according to their protein content. probably wouldn't hurt to get yourself a helicopter, and while you're at it get a boat -- a big one. certainly large enough to accomodate a helicopter laden with gold, silver, canned beans, wife, mistress, concubine, and full staff to man the arc.
oh, one final caution, if any subversive lookin punk approachs you with an offer to sell electricity, i can tell you for a fact that it's a bold-faced lie. well, it's a half-truth: he'll taser you and then steal what's left in your wallet while your prostate works out its tension in a sudden, well, you guessed it, a paroxysm; an eruption if you like. if you'll allow yourself to view the whole episode with some element of detatchment, you could see how funny it was -- but the victims were never so generous with their mirth, they horded it behind a mask of terror stricken eyes and violently incontenent bowels. again, i should know, i made a killing during hurricane ivan tasering the living shit outta the surrounding population. i figure they all deserved it. anyway, you may have heard of me, i acquired the appelation: "The Lucky Shocker". maybe you didn't. my story got lost in all the hubub about carnage on a grand scale and all that such and such. anyway, they took to callin me that cause that's the last thing i told em, "tell em The Lucky Shocker was here"...and wouldn't you know it, the name stuck. after all, i felt lucky, and with all that free money and those hearty belly laughs, who could blame me? not The Lucky Shocker and certainly not janus.
so you see, there's a happy ending after all...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R527WhFqWjw&feature=related
best wishes and God bless (sincerely),
janus
We had our power out here one nice day for about 10 hours, and even then it wasn't fun. We are all so used to electricity. I am working on surviving it if TEOFWAWKI comes, but I know I will feel loss. And I surely hope that electricity will come back eventually. If I could afford solar panels, I would get them. I could be pretty happy living without cars, but electricity in the house is pretty nice.
About carpets, carpet sweepers work. I had a great aunt who never had a vaccuum, always used a carpet sweeper, and her house always looked and smelled good.
About candles, we have some, but have stocked up more on oil lamps. They will burn other oils too, so they may come in more handy later when you only have bear fat to make light.
As silly as this sounds, I read the whole Little House on the Prarie series to my daughters, and there are many helpful clues like oil lamps, fish traps and sourdough bread in those books.
O.K. CD, sooo different for you in a ZH published piece. I read your reveal-the -other-side -of CD piece and it became very clear that the funniest parts were the most realistic. You did happen on a taboo subject of trading in your spouse. You have cajones! (provided any of your significants frequent ZH). Regarding your comment on vacuuming the carpet, I had the experience of having these creatures called 'spring tails'. THey look like tiny shrimp...yummy sea food. I would tell my guests, if they found them, that I regularly would rake them up for cocktail presentations.
LOL
Remind me never to eat at your house under any circumstances.
The 10 lessons really were written up at 3:30 AM, though for the private reading of said female friend. After thinking about it all day Friday I decided I would show another side of CD and modify it for Zero Hedge. Actually this side shows up all the time in the general comment section.
Who said you can't have fun during the next TEOTWAWKI?
Wow!! CD
If a smart guy like you can't live without the grid for a few months without so much trauma---what are the rest of us going to do?
Your article reads like an advisory from one of my survivalist friends, so I am just surprised that one night had an effect strong enough to write so eloquently about just one night without electricity.
Sorry, CD, to go on so about this----you're the Man, but how are the rest of us going to survive TEOTWAWKI? My guess is that we will not. Shit!
Damn I'm disappointed om
life is short oldman, you're almost over. So am I. Gnashing of teeth, sweet pain, love, life, death, delusion, You got to love it. That's what we came here for.
Survivalists make me laugh. \Yet, I find myself doing the same. The physical body has its masters you know.
Hey Hook,
Thanks for the reminder, but you what is truly funny about it? At seventy, I am the same weight and energy level as I was in my 20's, though now I lack the strength and endurance of those days. And what is truly sad about it is that this body is healthier than the thirty-something crowd that I am surrounded by. I only write this because of the sadness I feel in this country---the deadness of most of us.
I tried to stay with CD's having fun, but the more I wanted to play, the sadder I became at the thought of how many will perish if all that happens is that the lights go out. And no Bill of Rights in the game as they are explicitly or implicitly over-ridden the 'Patriot Act', and ----------------------
Well, I've lost my lightness once again thanks for your empathy and no, we oldmen don't give a fuck about surviving; we just do it automatically or---we don't om
There was a plaintive mood within CD's text. I didn't identify it until you pointed it out. CD's soul is screaming. Yours it too.
Hey Hook,
Thumbs up!! thanks om
That female friend I mentioned in the piece commented to me privately. She called it "Dark apocalypse humor. You may have created a whole new genre."
May I suggest the operative word is "humor". And it needed to be somewhat realistic in order to be believable. That's why you sense the screaming soul, because everything I say in the piece is completely plausible, including spouse bartering and trying to walk around in the dark. I had fun with the piece. There is nothing funnier than some old fool wandering around in his pitch black home like it was the first time he'd been in there. :)
How about "Darcalypse" as a style.
I like that very much. When I become a breakout author of "Darcalypse" humor I will not mention where the name came from.
I hope you understand. :>)
Hey CD,
Nice piece---seemed so funny, too, until I saw this old fool taking it too seriously; but you know what----it was a serious piece of humor, though not humour---for me.
I had to laugh because of the many times roads have been cut for days, the power fails for days, or this oldman lies abed for days not wanting to die but not particular about living either. Laugh as in 'funny' because my life has been a piece of cake and joy is what I have eaten---laugh at myself, saying' 'This is as bad as it gets---only missing a half a dozen meals and no more than two or three nights without a place to sleep?" This is when I understand what is meant by 'state of grace'---and I am not a religious dude by anyone's imagination.
So thanks a lot for the laugh with a dash of introspection----can't be a better world than this, brother om
Was about as funny as the film 'The Road'. If you havn't seen it its well worth checking out.
CD, slightly too many refs to bartering for women, you need to some bro. :P
btw when can we have more info on the lady client of yours who one alot of money (Although less than she thought) and got epically depressed. That story blew my mind.
GL
:>)
Actually I was deliberately gender neutral when it came to talking about bartering for a spouse. That was the reason for the "Single Male and Female Category" in the title. I'd be willing to bet you $100 that both sexes will quickly turn to mating as soon as their bellies are full.
While your mind may have seen women all I said was "he or she" and often just "spouse". I didn't want the fiercer sex angry with me on this one.
I debated long and hard with myself before telling the story about the lottery winner who became very depressed. I felt it was on the very edge of breaching client confidentiality and I still do. So I won't go any further. It was tragic and it touched me deeply even to this day.
If you guys are interested in a portrait of the post-peak government/oil/finance era, try The Eco-Technic Future. It rocks:
http://www.amazon.com/Ecotechnic-Future-Envisioning-Post-Peak-World/dp/0...
Impressive gun supply. I hope you have some stashed at different geographical locations just in case. Don't forget booze and cigarettes. They will be worth their weight in gold. Unless you drink and smoke it all.
While contemplating Irene, the stock market and my big toe around 1 PM Friday afternoon I pulled out a scrap of paper and started a wanna-be list of the essentials from the point of view of barter value. Unsurprisingly booze and cigs were the first two items, along with toilet paper and various other essentials. I realized that many of the 'luxuries' I wouldn't consider essentials would be very valuable as barter.
I promptly decided that during TEOTWAWKI I would become a scavenger and live like a King.
my friends survied the bosnia war with one stable
he stole a truck of toilet paper and had barter ability for 18 months. he and his family finally made it out.
I'm always amazed how much toilet paper is sold at the supermarkets when people 'prepare' for local storms. And I never really understood the impulse until I wrote this piece.
While people 'know' they are only preparing for a 2, maybe 3 day storm event, IF the unthinkable happens and TEOTWAWKI does come about accidently they at least want a few weeks of toilet paper on hand. It makes perfect sense that even if you haven't showered for a week or so you would still want a clean butt.
The only bad part of trying to store TP, CD, is that rodents find it most alluring for nesting material and bugs seem to dig eating it. I now store mine in big military shipping containers(3x3x3) I get for cheap at auction. And remember to stash TP in your car and if you're like me, even in the backyard, in a ziploc. Nothing sucks like having to pull over to take a dump in the middle of nowhere or taking a nice long walk on my trails after that cup of coffee and scrambled egg breakfast and not have any close by. And if you do, crush the roll and you can save some space. Trucks and trees rarely have TP holders so you won't miss it. Thanks for the humor...
WildBill,
I'll bet you my QEII to your QEIII that that checkout ogre has one mean unibrow. i mean to say, that quasi-quasimodo looks like she was rootin around a cave somewhere near a nuclear facility, and promptly got herself attacked by one of those mutant bats that burrow deep into the brow, leaving only their wings and ass protruding (you've probably seen them on the discovery channel during Mutant Bat Week; the locals call them lucifer's lobodomy, but scientists aren't so hasty in their praise -- prefering to wait and measure the extent of the menace before giving it a latin title). if i've seen it once, i've seen it a thousand times...each case more tragic than the last. she probably spent a good protion of her life wondering what lesson or meaning or virtue could possibly be gleaned from such a ponderous permutation of Providence...and i doubt she ever came to any satisfactory resolution on that score. if i had to guess, i'd say she's a warning to others; i'm afraid and everything, i just don't know what of. and maybe that's the point.
can i get a custom coffee cup and if so how much?
i think i figured out what you look like. you don't look puerto rican, you look sephardic...i knew it all along!!! that, combine with all the japanese stuff, throw in some wretched whiteness, and if that weren't enough, make him a new yorker? you're a total catastrophe, WildBill. and i look forward to using my new mug...once i sort though thousands of past images and we do an extensive correspondesnce, in which we discuss the relative merits of each image and their feasability on a mug's surface (gotta mind the warping effect on a cup). so i figure we should be able to whittle things down to a top one hundred or so by november; and then really hunker down to have a set ready for the FOMC, and other luminaries by Christmas. i think we may need to include your images in the comments...i mean, obviously, just look at the above. it's just incredible that you could find bernake family photos.
they're creepy and they're cooky/
mysterious and spooky/
they're altogether ookey/
bernake's family,
snap snap
Total cost of items: $4.57 Thanks Fed.
OMG
That's me, the little boy on the left with the white shirt and the 'crew' cut. Mom really was a beauty, wasn't she? And at least at my supermarket they really did weight the produce using that huge scale to the right of the cash register. BTW I miss the sound of the mechanical cash register as it 'rang' up the purchase. And the speaker/microphoe is priceless.
Ahhh, the good old days when life was much simpler.
That's one stiff "Breeze" man.
Looks like me, my sister and my mom at Treasure Island circa 1957. Those register lights. The memories......
The secret is living where no one else wants to, and couldn't imagine anyone else wanting to. You just have to want to.
So true! I can relate to this post. I finally found my place to "ride the storm" as it were. I picked Juneau, AK (hit the wiki page - full of surprises for those who read/think/pay attention). I moved up with a car load of stuff, that's it. I have minimal everything in my little basement apartment. The whole experience, for me, is an exercise in doing with the basics and only the basics. It has been a very sweet form of freedom.
The real bonus is that I love it here. I wish I did this ten years ago. Going outside just makes me smile. The beauty here is stunning.
I try to talk everyone I know into moving here and no one will listen. That is how I know its a sweet spot. I am in-state for hunting/fishing as of Feb next year and plan to get a floor freezer ASAP and start packing it up! I have beans and cornbread should TSHTF before then.
Regards,
Cooter
I have found a low population place too, and I just love it too. And just like you I have tried to talk people into moving here, and nobody will.
Marines hauled my ass up there for "Cold Weather Survival" training.
It's a beautiful starry night, and I have to piss. I'm thinking my dick is going to freeze and fall off its fucking -40 degrees out here (It didn't......)
Then it starts raining ice crystals. I'm thinking WHAT THE FUCK?? Not a cloud in the sky and its raining ice? Come to find out that it's too cold for the air to hold the "humidity." Raining ice. Time to dive back in that bag.
No fucking way man, been there, done that. Try a week in the snow in December and get back to me.
Guess I proved your point huh???