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Friday Humor: Don't Drink And Trade

Tyler Durden's picture



Broker Sent Oil Prices to Eight Month High in a Drunken Stupor

On June the 30th 2009 oil mysteriously jumped by more than $1.50 a barrel during the night, to reach its highest price in eight months, the kind of swing that is caused by a major geopolitical event.

The amazing, true cause of this price spike has now been released by a Financial Services Authority investigation (FSA).

Although not authorised to invest company cash in trades Steve Perkins, a long standing, senior broker at PVM Oil Futures, had managed to spend $520 million on oil futures contracts throughout the night.

On the morning of the 30th an admin clerk called Mr Perkins to ask why he had bought 7 million barrels of crude during the night. Mr Perkins had no recollection of the transactions, and it turned out that he had made the trades during a “drunken blackout.”

By the time PVM had realised the transactions had not been authorised by a client, they had incurred losses of $9,763,252.

Between the hours of 1.22am and 3.41am, Mr Perkins gradually bought 69 percent of the global market, whilst driving prices up from $71.40 to $73.05, by bidding higher each time.

At 6.30am, presumably sobering up and realising what he’d done, he sent a message to his managing director claiming an unwell relative meant he would not be able to make it into work.

Following an official investigation Mr Perkins admitted to having a drink problem, had his trading license revoked for five years, and was given a fine of £72,000.

The FSA have said that they will re-approve his license after the five year period, if he has recovered from his drink problem, although they warned that “Mr Perkins poses an extreme risk to the market when drunk.”


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Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:32 | 2839651 slaughterer
slaughterer's picture

Been there, done that.  

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:45 | 2839671 redpill
redpill's picture

Hey could be worse...


"Millionaire with cocaine habit so bad his nose collapsed is jailed after police find drugs stash in the folding roof of his Bentley"


I bet he had some parties!  Now the party's in his ass.  Sorry James.


Speaking of prison, whatever happened to Alex Hope?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:11 | 2839781 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture

Hey I can tell you all as a FACT that drinking and emailing is dangerous...

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:17 | 2839796 iDealMeat
iDealMeat's picture

The keywords and content crowdsourced the camel toe meh chick ad for me..  awesome..


Happy Friday!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:43 | 2839856 DoChenRollingBearing
DoChenRollingBearing's picture


+ 1

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:00 | 2839900 HoofHearted
HoofHearted's picture

So has Blythe been drunk for the last couple of years? She just hits the short button instead of the long button....

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:49 | 2840775 economics9698
economics9698's picture

The internet and drinking is dangerous.  Sending chat request to 52 year old bufferillos on fb, writing blogs about elementary school and then posting them at 3:41 AM, begging for a free wheelchair on ZH, fuck you guys know this shit.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:18 | 2839800 Alea Iactaest
Alea Iactaest's picture

Poor James. Never would have happened if his name was "Lindsay Lohan".

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 18:33 | 2840324 CuriousPasserby
CuriousPasserby's picture

Especially to one's boss...

And DON'T get on Ebay.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 22:00 | 2840816 palmereldritch
palmereldritch's picture

His nose isn't collapsed.  He's just growing a new one.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:41 | 2839695 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

I do that too, but on wine and ambien.


Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:44 | 2839714 redpill
redpill's picture

If you think that's something, try wild turkey and bath salts.  Face smörgåsbord! 

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:46 | 2839721 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

When the wife gives me that 'look' the next morning.........holy shit!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:52 | 2840785 economics9698
economics9698's picture

What look?  Did you masturbate in her panties when she was sleeping?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:52 | 2839739 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



What happens when you mix wild turkey and bath salts?  And who the hell ever thought to do it.

I'm old school - Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:55 | 2840795 economics9698
economics9698's picture

MD20-20 or moving up in the world to a Steel Reserve malt liquor.  The MD 20/20 is a buzz but the Steel Reserve has got that extra smoothness going down.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 22:51 | 2840921 Nobody For President
Nobody For President's picture

Red Bull and coke.

When the coke runs out, switch to Red Bull and Vodka.

I'm too old to do the former, but partied with them that has. The latter is sort of a (very) cheap speedball.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:37 | 2839837 Whalley World
Whalley World's picture

Thursday night Lemondrop Martini's landed me with a chipped tooth and smashed face from meeting concrete with face.  When they told me to go straight home when i showed for work the next day, I thought it was due to my appearance.

I was later advised that when i opened the door to the office, it smelt like a distillery.

That's called being lemon dropped

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:16 | 2839952 moonstears
moonstears's picture

self defamation, a dying art, one uptick for whally!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:45 | 2839715 CPL
CPL's picture

Breakfast of Champions.  With a Cool refreshing thorazine drip backer.


Just like Mom used to make,

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 22:53 | 2840925 Nobody For President
Nobody For President's picture

Continental Breakfast: Tuaca and a Danish. (A biker taught me that one - not bad, actually, though I prefer a croisant.)

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:02 | 2839764 Gene8696
Gene8696's picture

Whatever the reason... He made me money. We'll have round for everyone!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:11 | 2839939 dickizinya
dickizinya's picture

Thorazine and Tang! (TM)

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 17:07 | 2840099 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

Vodka and Jolt Cola (the Volt). Each drink devalues the market $49K.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:14 | 2839786 FoxMulder
FoxMulder's picture

Ben's there, doing that. - Fixed it

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:33 | 2839652 bigdumbnugly
bigdumbnugly's picture

NOW you tell me

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:40 | 2839654 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

should of taken meth!


must watch Paul Craig Roberts :!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:03 | 2839768 vast-dom
vast-dom's picture

just don't quit

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:34 | 2839655 Jonas Parker
Jonas Parker's picture

Bernake will hire him to buy treasurys now.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 19:53 | 2840508 Blankenstein
Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:35 | 2839659 Neethgie
Neethgie's picture

my favourite line is "Mr perkins poses an extreme risk to the market when drunk"

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:39 | 2839684 saturn
saturn's picture

Mighty hilarious!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:45 | 2839717 Unprepared
Unprepared's picture

I know of people who are capable of doing the same thing while perfectly sober.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:50 | 2839736 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

So does Ben..., and when he is sober.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:37 | 2839662 Dr. Engali
Dr. Engali's picture

At least he isn't as dangerous as Joseph Hazelwood when he's drunk.  With this guy it's only oil futures.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:36 | 2839667 vote_libertaria...
vote_libertarian_party's picture

I prefer to go driving when I'm that drunk...D'OOOHHH!!!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:38 | 2839676 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Sounds like he was hittin' the "buy" button like a woodpecker on a dead limb...

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:38 | 2839679 Skateboarder
Skateboarder's picture

Party foul!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:38 | 2839681 LawsofPhysics
LawsofPhysics's picture

People trading, wait what?  Do algo-bots drink?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:03 | 2839767 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

Only at 4:01pm when Maria says we're off our lows.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:38 | 2839683 azzhatter
azzhatter's picture

SEC is hiring. Sounds like a good candidate

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 17:37 | 2840180 FlyingPurpleShe...
FlyingPurpleSheepleEater's picture

I thought porn was their thing...  Are you suggesting they embrace a little diversity?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:40 | 2839685 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture

oil mysteriously jumped by more than $1.50 a barrel during the night


...course, $1.50/bbl is just a bar the choom-wagon riders will try to top.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:40 | 2839686 boiltherich
boiltherich's picture

Possibly nobody reading this since all eyes are glued to the skyrocketing price of gasoline today, up now 60 cents since last Friday.  Oil flat at $92, gasoline up for the week average of 12 cents a day without any rational.  This is big oil casting 25 million votes for Mittens.  I think the only explanation is that they are indeed drunk over at NYMEX, and if not now they will be as soon as the floor closes.  By the time that 60 cent increase makes it to the pumps in a week or two it will be 80 cents or more.  We should surpass the highest high prices by a good 50 cents if it rises no more on wholesale.  When gasoline, a vital economic necessity goes up more than 21% in a week for no reason it is time to take that golden goose away from private industry. 

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:41 | 2839696 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



When gasoline prices move out of step with wholesale crude (Brent, not WTI), it's an issue with the refineries, not the producers. 

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:19 | 2840673 boiltherich
boiltherich's picture

For those that claim government cannot hire good people to run the industry right then I would counter how could government do WORSE?  Only the stupid agree to be ripped off day after day year in and year out and it is OK because it is private industry.  The refiners ARE the producers.  They have decided not to build a single new refinery in 30 years, they have allowed old refineries to fall apart so that the downtime goes up every year, they have allowed pipelines to become dangerous, and they refuse to maintain adequate storage facilities, though Cushing has just added capacity it is not enough and just barely keeps up with loss of capacity to aging infrastructure. 

Maybe nationalization is not what is needed as much as a legally binding summit that will look at all aspects of the industry, from exploration to national security surrounding petroleum.  An honest look at the viability of various alternatives to oil, and we should be making oil partly fund the alternatives before it is too late, the world will be out of oil in 40 years given proven reserves and current use rates.  I am sure more will be found, but there will also be more people to use it.  We can't wake up one morning in 30-40 years and realize it is too late.  We need to look at the placement and routes of pipes, the capacity of storage, the delivery infrastructure and once and for all a windfall profits tax that makes sure the industry is profitable but not so profitable that the oil bigs can use petro wealth to influence elections. 

Producers=refiners and visa versa.  They are so entangled it is silly to draw a distiction, neither can exist without the other.  And they feed off of each others "errors" of management to profit even more. 

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 17:31 | 2840162 Quantum Nucleonics
Quantum Nucleonics's picture

Cause goverment is so much more awesome at running businesses.  Oh wait, didn't the post office just default on a $6 billion pension payment today.  Oil production and oil refining are two different industries.  The rise in gasoline is all about the refining business.  Especially our Dear Leader Obama's holy war on all things carbon.  Thousands of pages of new regulations have scared capital away from refinieries.  Presto!  Less supply, meet demand.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:20 | 2840685 boiltherich
boiltherich's picture

As I said, in the case of it just could not do worse.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:41 | 2839688 MillionDollarBogus_
MillionDollarBogus_'s picture

I have the same type problem when I post here.

When off the meds, I am capable of writing anything...

My major screw-up was selling my stash of physical PM's...

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:30 | 2839822 westerman
westerman's picture

I read this comment while waiting for desert at a dinner. I had to leave the room for 20 min. Best troll account Evert and best trollpost ever. So absolutely hilarious!!!!!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:31 | 2839997 MillionDollarBogus_
MillionDollarBogus_'s picture

Thanks for the positive feedback.

Doing what I can to help my alter-ego's image...


Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:40 | 2839692 Aguadulce
Aguadulce's picture

So the recent run in PMs will soon be blamed on drunken metals brokers?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:55 | 2839748's picture

Can't you just see them high-fiving one another and shouting, "Gold, bitchez?"

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:55 | 2839885 Clever Name
Clever Name's picture

Why yes, yes I can.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:57 | 2839890 hidingfromhelis
hidingfromhelis's picture

We've moved on from the "fat finger" trade to the "bad drinker" trade.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:41 | 2839694 Debtonation
Debtonation's picture

I wonder what would have happened if they had to take delivery.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:43 | 2839702 Thought criminal
Thought criminal's picture

Love how analysts tried to explain the spike by "tenstion in the middle east" when in fact it was caused by booze...

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:42 | 2839705 debtor of last ...
debtor of last resort's picture

Well, let's deliver a drum whiskey at the PPT then. It's all messed up anyway.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:43 | 2839707 A Lunatic
A Lunatic's picture

Smells like bullshit to me........

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:48 | 2839729 CPL
CPL's picture

I believe it, with the festive mood around Wall street right now, it's a a sure thing someone puts a high ball on the keyboard.


They are like cup holders.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:18 | 2839959 Umh
Umh's picture

Most people would be better off if they had a breathalyzer on their computer, because sooner or later you will do something stupid, just hope it's not criminal like law enforcement types researching dates and inlaws using their work systems.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:34 | 2840005 Tango in the Blight
Tango in the Blight's picture

If you drive under the influence you might wreck your car and possibly cause injuries to one or more individuals. If you trade under the influence you might wreck the economy and cause injuries to millions of individuals.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:46 | 2839718 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



Four million people crushing each other to break down the doors on Black Friday probably can't drum up $520 million in revenues for Wal-Mart, but this guy gets it done over a bottle of corn liquor?  Now that's leverage, amigos.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:59 | 2840078 SokPOTUS
SokPOTUS's picture

Leverage by Beverage.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 17:01 | 2840084 SokPOTUS
SokPOTUS's picture

Liquidity by Liquidity.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 17:12 | 2840108 Irwin Fletcher
Irwin Fletcher's picture

No shit! The whole world runs on oil and this guy is able to buy up 69% of the global market in one party? Leverage squared, my female canine friends. 

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:48 | 2839726 TPTB
TPTB's picture

Perhaps this is why everything is down today, but Facebook is up a dollar and a half?



Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:48 | 2839728 PicassoInActions
PicassoInActions's picture

so i guess , its not as always a supply a demand that pushes the prices up.... how cute.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:20 | 2839964 Umh
Umh's picture

Every time he demanded more the price went up and so he bought even more since the price was rising. He was just to drunk to realize that he was the demand.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:49 | 2839734 mayhem_korner
mayhem_korner's picture



I guess trader limits are only in force during office hours.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:57 | 2839755 kaiserhoff
kaiserhoff's picture

Had his license revoked for five years, and still got a job like that.  That's due diligence.  fuck a duck

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:22 | 2839968 Umh
Umh's picture

That must be a nice time machine you have.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:44 | 2840026 blu
blu's picture

Trader limits are for pussies.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:52 | 2839741 rsnoble
rsnoble's picture

Must have had a "I'm sure Iran gets bombed tommorow" moment.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:54 | 2839744 TideFighter
TideFighter's picture

69% of the market...

drinking ususually ends up in some form of 69 or another. 

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:55 | 2839749 Metalredneck
Metalredneck's picture

My brokerage has a twelve drink minimum!!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 14:57 | 2839752 hannah
hannah's picture

if a drunk can buy 69% of the market...i think that tells you that the 'market' is a joke....paper oil.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:46 | 2840038 blu
blu's picture

What do you mean, a joke? Obviously circuit breakers cut in at 70% to save the day.

Just kidding. The market really is a joke.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:20 | 2839759 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Friday humor/  High Speed chases in Phoenix~  Faux Pau News.

   The guy got Corzined!

  In other news; This is probably the right time to short all those "INFLATED" REITS, as you may end up with a flattened nose!


    You guys will love this "melodramatic" iteration of English Law!

   Does Mervyn King fit in the boot?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:01 | 2839762 Joebloinvestor
Joebloinvestor's picture

Brokerages are gonna have to start installing a Breathalyzer.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:09 | 2839776 Hippocratic Oaf
Hippocratic Oaf's picture

Are you kiddin? Someone has to open the shop.


Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:11 | 2839782 Conman
Conman's picture

Hows this diff from all the coked up bankers out there now. oh wait was that coke or anthrax they sniffed over in germany? too soon?


btw im loving hte glaring head and shoulders on the daily im looking at. Looking for a nice dump into the close.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:17 | 2839797 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 How deep do ya think the retrace will be? Did ya draw a Fibi yet?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:16 | 2839793 bnbdnb
bnbdnb's picture

As I was Steve.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:27 | 2839804 Floodmaster
Floodmaster's picture
Bankster puppet obama Re-election Strategy: Put Nation To Sleep With a Wake Up publicity???


(paid for by the jewish council for education and research)

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:21 | 2839805 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 HEY! The spx is slowly melting down.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:31 | 2839826 d2themfi
d2themfi's picture

“Mr Perkins poses an extreme risk to the market when drunk.”


Pure gold

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:40 | 2839847 moonstears
moonstears's picture

Note to self: If ever I walk into a bar at 3am and see a glassy eyed guy on his laptop buying 69%+ of any commodity, break out a $50 bill, 'cause his next round's on me. That really says " I like to party"!!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:45 | 2839863 Atlantis Consigliore
Atlantis Consigliore's picture

Ill take a 6 ft tall 42 DDD Blonde and a 5. 9 44 DDD Brunette in a sandwich; hold the booze and drugs;

its enough for my position limits....

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:46 | 2839866 Quinvarius
Quinvarius's picture

He should get a job at JPM.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:49 | 2839876 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 Sans the "Fat Finger" anology. Now it's the "Wild Turkey" bottle drop!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:56 | 2839887 Yen Cross
Yen Cross's picture

 €/¥ inverted H/S on the M-5 chart. Might be a good gap up on Sunday open, before she kerplunks!

  I don't trade the ponzi €, so it's "in- consequential" , for me.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:57 | 2839891 freedogger
freedogger's picture

What the story failed to mention was who got him drunk and how much did they profit.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 15:58 | 2839895 CVfriendship
CVfriendship's picture

Wall Street does one thing right..... Recreational drugs?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:01 | 2839901 Monedas
Monedas's picture

Never drink from public urinals .... sometimes drunks shit in them !

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:21 | 2840688 Itch
Itch's picture

You're speaking from bitter experience here i assume?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:01 | 2839905 larz
larz's picture

those panty waists should have stayed long

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:07 | 2839923 moonstears
moonstears's picture

So true larz, so true. I thought that too!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:07 | 2839927 alien-IQ
alien-IQ's picture

Has anyone considered the possibility that Bernanke is a closet wino and his relentless QE is nothing other than the result of a prolonged drunken blackout?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:11 | 2839937 WhiteNight123129
WhiteNight123129's picture

I trade my Gold against GAllium, anyone interested?


Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:19 | 2839963 resurger
resurger's picture


Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:26 | 2839978 Straw Dog
Straw Dog's picture

That's nothing, look what Bernanke does when he's sober.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:27 | 2839980 icanhasbailout
icanhasbailout's picture

wonder how much FB he bought today

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 16:55 | 2840060 The big unzip
The big unzip's picture

Anyone know why he stopped at 69?

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 17:09 | 2840103 deepsouthdoug
deepsouthdoug's picture

See it's better to trust the algo robots ;-)

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 18:52 | 2840370 Papasmurf
Papasmurf's picture

It's okay.  He was just adding liquidity to the markets.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 21:19 | 2840684 logicalman
logicalman's picture

You really can't make this shit up!

I've always struggled to make sense of the world.

I hoped it would get better with age - boy, was I WRONG!

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 22:32 | 2840891 imbtween
imbtween's picture

when I get drunk I buy gold from apmex. I must drink a higher quality piss.

Fri, 09/28/2012 - 23:07 | 2840950 Nobody For President
Nobody For President's picture

Terrible article. It fails to mention WHAT he was drinking. Beer, bourbon, wine, fine brandy, good scotch - WHAT? Sheesh - reporters now days.

Sat, 09/29/2012 - 01:16 | 2841130 sink critically
sink critically's picture

I do not envy him his headache on the morrow.

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