And The Winner Of The First Lady Debate Is...

Tyler Durden's picture

While our highly sophisticated scoring methodology - based on length-of-time speaking, words-spoken, and drinking-game-based buzzword bingo scores - has produced a result skewed to the Republican candidates, it seems the real world of intelligent voters sees things more tied with the last debate having been won by the incumbent. However, in order to settle the tie, Jimmy Kimmel decided to ask members of the voting public who they thought won the 'First Lady' Debate; the results will not surprise you - though clarification of stereotypes, biases, and why none of it matters (we refer readers to our earlier post on Deer Crossings for clarification) will be helpful we are sure...


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Kitler's picture

Looks like a tie.

We may need a bake-off!


Neither one won. Tie breaker is for both of them to drop their laundry. May the best bootie win. 

TwoShortPlanks's picture

Here's a classic example of the vast difference between Americans and Australians...the average Australian would give the reporter a weird look and say something like: "ummm, who gives a fuck what the wife of an elected leader thinks or says, duh!".

I mean, just listen to the ground sheet at first glance she seems like she has it together, but no, she's a typical moron.

And just to show you exactly how fucked up American politics fucked up America is in you think it's coincidence that the dirt on Lance Armstrong has come to the surface just before the US elections, considering that Armstrong is buddies with Obama, having each other's mobile ya?! Anyone remember the Ides of March:

There's a reason why it's 16 Trillion and climbing...but when the music stops, the average American, who stupidly put his/her faith and trust into 'The American Way', and that of the 'Commander & Chief' (Scoff, more like 'Common Thief'), will come to the stark realisation that they were fooled, and that they have always been on their own, but didn't know it.

And it all starts with being...stupid...and full of shit.

EDIT: Oh, here come those stupid people Carlin talks about, voting my comments down, hiding from the obvious truth with absolute denial...fucking Ostriches!

Gully Foyle's picture


The only difference I see is Australia cancelled RUSH way too fucking soon.

But RAKE kind of makes up for that.

UnpatrioticHoarder's picture

If you haven't seen Rake you are missing out

hannah's picture

funny how all those aussies didnt tell the federal reserve to fuck off when we sent $54billion in swaps their way......ostriches my ass.

Sathington Willougby's picture

You can say what we want, but we still have guns.  Lots of them.  I'm sure if your livestock could talk they'd sound pretty much the same.  Except ours don't have to beg and plead on bended knee to a fatuous ass politician to own a firearm.

Comment votes, who gives a fuck except genderly confused people from the southern hemisphere.

Looney's picture

Whoever get's schmelected we, as a country, deserve'em.

By the way... I, personally, wouldn't mind in an 8-year suspension of the Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8 of the Constitution (the Title of Nobility Clause) so Ron Paul could be crowned...

P.S. Don't confuse the above Section 9 with the blood-sucking Section 8 (free housing).

P.P.S. Do not confuse the Nobility Clause with a free-govEment-paid-MOBILITY-scooter-sold-on-eBay.

P.P.P.S. ... but what do I know? I am just a 20-pound anorexic gorilla in the room... ;-)

Whoa Dammit's picture

Moochelle won by a butt cheek in the photo finish.

LMAOLORI's picture



Won what? The prize for the biggest Ass in her defense I suppose if you have to use more material it does cost more

Us gives the world the following headline: "0."

In the body of the piece Us reports this description of Ann Romney's couture.

Romney, 63, selected a short-sleeved crimped cotton silk dress by Oscar de la Renta. The Spring 2013 design is not yet available in stores, but retails for $1,690.

I expect we are supposed to find it shocking, downright shocking, that a millionaire could afford to fork out nearly $1,700 for a frock.

And yet, "public servant" Michelle Obama's outfit was almost twice as costly as Romney's.

Obama, 48, styled a shift dress and cropped jacket from Michael Kors' 2013 resort collection. The dress retails for $1,795 and the jacket is $1,495.

JPM Hater001's picture

I'll start a batch of cannibutter.

After the bake off we can watch the presidential debate and enjoy the winning brownies...

krispkritter's picture

Choomies! You can eat just one!...nom nom nom

(PS. Do Mormons get stoned?)

Kitler's picture

Only for cheating on their husbands...

Kitler's picture

Although if things go badly enough during President Romnesia's stint as the CEO of the USA one never knows...

jeff montanye's picture

just remember, not so large as a boulder nor so small as a pebble.  like, say, a tangerine.

Dave Thomas's picture

Please fashion one in the shape of a piece of lipstic, I'd like to take mine rectally.

chiswickcat's picture

Doing that to that poor kitty kat is not nice or funny. Look at his poor confused face with him wondering, what's going on? 'I knew I couldn't trust people'. That actually must have been quit painful for his nose. :-( Poor thing. The lady that walked into the cling film can make sense of it all being a joke, the cat can not.

Kitler's picture

Before you unwind on me lady I want you to know there was a catnip mouse on a string involved...

TeMpTeK's picture

The Collective Wisdom of Individual Ignorance

Larry Dallas's picture

We're fucked. We are so stupid. Stoooopid.

Our greatest export is diabetes.

Temporalist's picture

I prefered the MMA match between Tagg and Malia.

ebworthen's picture


"Is The Voice on tonight?"

"I love paying with my cell phone app."

"Self-Checkout is so cool!"

"I think I'll take out a student loan."

"Why can't I find a decent job?"

walküre's picture

What do you expect from LaLaland?

Notice Spiderman walking through at 2:15

Wow, simply wow. They are so fucking clueless and you're supposed to care?

MountainMan's picture

Thanks for pointing out Spiderman...made my day!

MsCreant's picture

Spider man with a string bikini bottom...

krispkritter's picture

Where's a Spiderman towel when you need one!

Go Tribe's picture

And then the first guy comes back around at 2:25. Couldn't get enough I guess.

blabam's picture

1:19 Too bad she's full of shit.

jeff montanye's picture

midway between stupid and fuckin' nuts (g.c.).

Rainman's picture

I always vote for the female with the biggest tits and the smallest ass, but what do I know ?

HD's picture

Jessica Rabbit 2016

The Alarmist's picture

Yo, blood, baby got back, and all that shizzle.

Pure Evil's picture

If that's how you vote, then you probably have a hot assed wife/girlfriend.

Gully Foyle's picture


Gina: I'm finished speaking to both of you okay? You're both fucking insane. You want to know what your problem is? MTV, Playboy, and Madison fucking Avenue. Yes. Let me explain something to you, ok? Girls with big tits have big asses. Girls with little tits have little asses. That's the way it goes. God doesn't fuck around; he's a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits and the skinnies little tiny niddlers. It's not my rule. If you don't like it, call him. Hey Mitch. Thank you.
[Looking at a porn magazine]
Gina: Oh, guys, look what we have here. Look at this, your favorite. Oh, you like that?
Tommy: I could go along with that.
Gina: Yeah, that's nice right? Well, it doesn't exist ok. Look at the hair. The hair is long, it's flowing, it's like a river. Well, it's a fucking weave ok? And the tits, please! I could hang my overcoat on them. Tits by design were invented to be suckled by babies. Yes, they're purely functional. These are silicon city. And look, my favorite, the shaved pubis. Pubic hair being too unruly and all. Very key. This is a mockery, this is a sham, this is bullshit. Implants, collagen, plastic, capped teeth, the fat sucked out, the hair extended, the nose fixed, the bush shaved... These are not real women, all right? They're beauty freaks. And they make all us normal women with our wrinkles, our puckered boobs, hi bob, and our cellulite feel somehow inadequate. Well I don't buy it, all right? But you fucking mooks, if you think that if there's a chance in hell that you'll end up with one of these women, you don't give us real women anything approaching a commitment. It's pathetic. I don't know what you think you're going to do. You're going to end up eighty-years old, drooling in some nursing home, then you're going to decide, it's time to settle down, get married, have kids? What, are you going to find a cheerleader? Charge it Mitch.
Tommy: I think you're over simplifying.
Gina: Oh eat me. Look at Paul. With his models on the wall, his dog named Elle McPherson. He's insane. He's obsessed. You're all obsessed. If you had an once of self-esteem, of self-worth, of self-confidence, you would realize that as trite as it may sound, beauty is truly skin-deep. And you know what, if you ever did hook one of those girls, I guarantee you'd be sick of her.
Tommy: Yeah, I suppose I'd get sick of her after about, what, twenty or thirty years?
Gina: Get over yourself. Thank you Mitch. Say hello to Gertrude.
Tommy: What?
Gina: No mater how perfect the nipple, how supple the thigh, unless there is some other shit going on in the relationship, besides the physical, it's going to get old, ok? And you guys, as a gender, have got to get a grip. Otherwise, the future of the human race is in jeopardy.
Willie Conway: What was that?
Tommy: I don't know, but a great ass.
Willie Conway: Nice tits. Come on let's go.

TWSceptic's picture

These people aren't clueless, they're lying. Which shows that the dishonesty in the two party system includes the voters.

Mentalic's picture

My point exactly ....Does lying come so naturally to people in America? Not one of them flinched or hesitated for a second...It's like they actually believe they saw it....


This is all so tragically funny....

DeltaDawn's picture

Somewhere inside themselves they feel a twinge of guilt for not engaging in anything of real importance.

Spitzer's picture

Democracy is a joke.

Regustered land owners and business owners should be the only people allowed to vote.

mess nonster's picture

Tyler won't let me give you more than one up-tick!

yabyum's picture

Tyler won't let me give you more than one down vote.

otto skorzeny's picture

Mossad agent-quit pushing your bullshit blog

HD's picture

I have both. Can I have two votes?

Ballin D's picture

That depends. Who are you voting for?

Vagabond's picture

The system would get perverted and we'd end up worse than where we started: The money changers and multinationals would end up controlling congress and all our land.  Neither more restrictions nor more government will lead to more liberty.


Sounds a lot like - right now. Current reality. Been sleeping in much ?

El Hosel's picture

"The system would get perverted ".......... You mean the system that is not now perverted? Name that system.

Gully Foyle's picture


Liberty has and always will be an individuals state of mind.

Free your head baby, free your head.